Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1. Spring. Into action? Or just spring?
What I want.
It is spring. It is very much spring.
And there is this thing that happens every year. Or really, there is this story I tell in my head about a thing that happens every year.
Namely that I am not “prepared” or “ready” for spring. It just kind of … springs up on me, yes. In its springy springiness of bouncing on all the springs.
The thing is, I adore spring.
And then I go into my stuff about not having what I need to properly enjoy spring. And then I feel resentful and frustrated.
Let’s not do that this year. So I’m not sure yet if this ask is more about untangling the patterns, or if it’s about making sure that I have the tools that I need. Or if it’s about changing how I think about all of this. But here it is: spring!
The qualities inside of the wants:
Curiosity. Patience. Sweetness. Earth. Delight. Plenty. Freedom. Sun
And the superpower of trusting my instincts.
More about what I know.
(People vary, so what you need for spring might be very different. This is just for Havi.)
Havi needs to be able to 3, 2, 1 stop drop and picnic (code for drop everything and go to the park) if there is sun in her rainy land. And to comfortably do this, she needs flip flops. And a pedicure. Sunscreen. A cloth to sit on because of grass stains and sometimes mud. And to remember to shave her legs.
And a bag with water bottle, sunscreen, accordion toe-magic, notebook, pen, post-its. Maybe a snack.
Really, there needs to be a bag like this at home and at the Playground, because Havi works a lot. And two pairs of flip flops because hers are sure to be wherever she isn’t.
Bond Girl just added “sexy strappy sandals” to the list. And before the monsters could start in with “extravagant” and “not necessary” and “you can live without that” and “DOOM”, she gave them a look.
The look was kind of like, “Really? You’re not going to support my receiving the tools I need to excel at the mission?”
I chime in: “Yeah. I want to talk to Q!”
And then all the monsters volunteered to be Q. And now they are busy making me pens that are also spyglasses, and watches that have tiny hidden snacks inside of them, this is great.
Ways this could work.
Hmm. Right now the pattern is “wait to get these things until it is already sunny, then feel resentful about being indoors getting flip flops and a pedicure when I could BE OUT IN THE SUN!!!”
And since I didn’t take care of these things and now spring is here, really the only part I can change is the pattern.
So. I can practice saying “this is right”. I can remind myself that I will not run out of sun. The sun is like prime numbers. There will be more sun.
I can try doing some of these things very early or late in the day. I can let Bond Girl tell me when, where, how, and just follow instructions.
I’m playing with…
Noticing when I’m choosing to believe in Spring Just Springs Up On Me And I Don’t Get To Enjoy It And It’s Not Fair.
Noticing what I need: reassurance and reminders that I have enough, that there will be enough, that I will get to play.
Making safe rooms for me-from-then who is VERY upset about having had to go to school, period, but especially about having to sit indoors on beautiful days being bored out of her mind when she wanted and needed to frolic and be a gazelle.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Juggling is the wrong metaphor. So what’s a better one?
- Conspiring with Svevo and with the Observer to get more information about the Orchard of the Annes and the musical accompaniment that might be involved.
- Operation What’s The Protocol Part II
- Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment. No pushback this week! PROGRESS.
- For Vicarage II (condensed mini vicarage) to happen smoothly, I need to fill out some paperwork and this is not fun. So. Operation S.A.Y. Y.E.S.
- May this misunderstanding dissolve in love and laughter. And if further steps are needed to be taken on this, may I be brave, loving and trusting enough to take them as needed.
- Agent S returns from a mission in New Orleans. I would like this to be fun, playful, easy, filled with delight.
- Presence and pleasure. Revealing truth with presence and pleasure.
- I want to add a few more things to the Bitchy Boozy questions, and I want this to be easy.
- Who will watch Around The World In Eighty Days with me?
- Wonders and delights at Stompopolis!
- Easiest HAT!
- Wait, Beach Day? Actual Beach Day? Not Fake Beach Day? Ooooooh.
- Dance dance dance. While being a fountain.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Playfulness. Perseverance. Presence. Pleasure. Grounding. Simplicity. Resonance. Flow.
And the superpower of noticing all the things, people, experiences that are playing with me, delighting with me.
Like last time: seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Walking. Dancing. Conducting. Compassing. Remembering. Being Bond Girl. Being the compass. Being the fountain. Playing with everything.
I’m playing with…
What if the “right tool for the job” is something I already have? And: If I’m using it, then it’s the right tool for the job.
Also disguises, costumes and things that don’t look like doors but are actually doors.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Things that have already come to life: I activated the card! And found the right agent who was not Stan. Talked to the monsters. Learned about Operation Spring For This. Had joyful time with Svevo. Had (and am still having) a wonderful, easy Pesach. Came up with the dates for the announcing. Spent time with Agent Santellano and it was new, like I asked.
Everything else is progressing through percolating. I am sprinkling those asks with some affectionate attention and then letting them do their thing, trusting that if there’s more I need to know about them, it will probably show up.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Follow
I read the second part of “Dance dance dance. While being a fountain.” as “while being a MOUNtain”, which was actually accidentally awesome.
I would like to dance dance dance while being a mountain, please.
Oh, it is spring here! And there was spring cleaning. And I found a home for the yards of wool, and said goodbye to the house, and more fabric, and felt sad about so many things. The good kind of sad, where things can grow.
My Visions:
I thought things were moving too fast with moving ahead in line, and now they are moving very slow. And I’m not sure what to do next. I’m looking for clews about the paws, and waiting to see if there’s another line, or maybe just a little hold up while some other people move ahead first.
Lots of nostalgia this weekend, with more feeling of not moving forward. But I think going into some things from the past will help move me forward. Like when you are going to take a running jump and you back up a few steps first.
And just loving everyone everywhere.
Thing 1:
I want the Spring drain thing not to back up on me this year
again. But it is.
playing with:
Seeing the good in the fact that my practices are no longer
just an option – they are now a must do – so, playing with seeing this as not such a heavy thing.
Ways this might work:
Get over with earlier in the day.
Thing 2:
Creating space to work on art and not work.
playing with:
letting go of patterns, routines, and beliefs. the idea of making it playful.
ways this might work –
clear the slate first.
Got out to dance and drum Friday night, nature is really helping me here, solitude is bad in certain conditions, heaven in others.
A Thing: I have an allergy to practical jokes. So April 1 makes me tense.
What I want: to get through the day — and the rest of the week as well, really — with sovereignty. To give people the benefit of the doubt without feeling like I’m being taken advantage of or being made fun of behind my back.
The qualities inside of the want: safety. respect. context (being clued in/given necessary info). trust. serenity.
More about what I know: it isn’t the end of the world if I do get fooled. But I also know that I am likely to feel incredibly upset about it, for longer than I will feel OK about feeling upset, and then feel annoyed about how I’m feeling and how much space and time it is hoovering up.
Ways this could work: Easter Monday is a holiday in dozens of countries. I could treat tomorrow as a holiday. I could minimize my time online; I could hold off reacting to anything until Tuesday. I could give myself a permission slip bouquet…
I’ll play with: printing this and putting it in my notebook for the day. And maybe getting up early enough tomorrow to make myself eggs with caviar. (As opposed to this morning’s hasty before-service leftovers.) And — ooh — I will label April 1 “Easter Monday” in my 2014 calendar. Something about that tickles me…
What else do I want?
* an ease-ful, easy exit from [a]
* a continuation of [b], but maybe not yet
* enough sleep
* enough earnings
* path-smoothings for C
* a massage
Calling on the superpower of picking the right forks in the roads. Rereading the “active steps” part of Havi’s “grinding wheels vs. not grinding wheels” post.
Warm wishes to everyone who wants them.
Easter Monday is not a universal holiday?? *learns*
Some stuff I would like:
* yoga: no big deal for the last 3,000 years
* you are precisely my cup of tea
* talking about a revolution
* conduction time
* desk and cupboard sorting time
* bedtime spew pattern to NOT bed down. Change it up, change it up please please please ahahahaahhaaaa!!
* playdates please please please be fun
* surprisingly pleasant coversations
* super-effective introvert recovery time
* tax-return: let’s whamboom it and tagspopt it!
* easy camping gear collection
* the perfect boots and coat
* easy feeding all around
* courage to widen my support systems. Wide and shallow can hold incredible weight.
* golden, shining, love-filled, love-infused, thick-and-dripping-with-love forcefields. OF COURSE YOU’RE FEELING THAT WAY!! OF COURSE I’M THINKING THAT!! HOW COULD THIS BE OTHERWISE?? *lovelovelovelovelove*
*fairy-dust*
Into the pot:
–A bucket of bright yellow sunshine
–The feeling of being held
–Abundant ink
–Deepening the Personal Pan Compass
–It doesn’t have to be hard!
–Vibrance and Vibration
–(And how about Vibracious? Is that a word? Let’s find out…)
Gwish 1:
This week is spring break for school kids. I work in a library that’s near a tough neighborhood, so a good number of our regular kid visitors have challenging (and mysterious!) emotional/behavioral issues at times.
My awesome colleague and I have a lot of fun activities planned, in addition to our regular programs and I would like this to be a positive week for all concerned, which so far it has been.
Superpowers Desired: The Power of Hopeful Anticipation (as opposed to the anti-superpower of Dreadful Anticipation, which I am all too good at), The Power of Calm Alertness, The Power of Rooted Patience, The Power of Giving and Receiving Support, the Power of Freakin’ Awesome Self-Care.
Gwish 2:
I’ve been very successful so far at changing my habit of starting the morning with Internet, but I’ve been more challenged by my habit of staying up later than I want to on nights when I have late shift (2 nights a week, 12:30 pm. to 9:15 p.m.) I had an a-ha moment this week when I realized that one of my inner selves feels like I never get any time to myself on those days to do something fun (because in the morning before work I’m cooking breakfast and cleaning and stuff). So I am trying make a list of things that might feel like fun to that inner self, but will not suck me in or rile me up so that I’m up later than I want to be for good sleep. This is challenging since I don’t get home until almost 10 and really should be in bed by 11 in order to get 8 hours (I have to be back at work by 9 a.m. the next morning!)
What I want:
To come up with a list of things that I could do when I get home in the late evenings that would feel like having some fun time to myself but wouldn’t keep me up.
To plan for and try some of those things, see which ones suit me best, and begin to develop a regular habit.
Ways it could come to me:
More a-ha moments
Recalling things that were fun for me as a child
I could see, hear or read something that piques my interest
Through conversation with a friend (or even a stranger)
Through the small voice of Spirit
I could just start trying the ideas that I have and noticing my mood state.
Mmmm, costumes! I am playing with – well, not costumes. It is not spring in New Blighty, so actually, I am playing with the idea of costumes.
And when I mean playing with the idea of costumes, I mean considering taking in my arms anything that feels WASPy and New Blighty-ish and UMC or really, EVERYTHING that feels like Cambridge drag, and going out to the middle of the street and setting it on fire and dancing around the pile and cackling.
Kinda sick of my costumes. Also winter.
Spring! BRING IT.
MAX! I love you.
Heh WHEEEE! Same here, Bond Girl. Same here.
Love for all y’all and your wishes.
I want so many things! And it feels greedy. But I’m practicing letting myself want things, because it’s helpful.
A Thing-You know how you love something SO MUCH, and then you’re not in a position to be able to interact with it, and eventually you kind of get used to it? But then you get these reminders, or you try to fit in a catch-up in a spare hour, but there’s too much to fit in, and it’s love and sweetness and sadness and bitterness, and it’s sometimes so painful that you’re not sure if it’s better to leave it for when The Situation Changes or to get bits of interaction catch-as-catch-can.
So. There are a variety of things that fall into this category for me right now. And the things I want aren’t technically necessary for basic survival, so this feeling is bringing up all my stuff.
What do I want? -Less pain.
-Legitimacy; if it hurts, it hurts, it doesn’t have to measure up to any standards.
-Remembering that talking to friends is a way to get out of my cycle.
-To continue to allow myself to want what I want, even when it feels frivolous, even when it feels needy, and even when I’m frustrated, or convinced, or terrified that I will never get it.
-Love and sweetness.