Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Listening.
Listening to what I wanted.
To trees. To instinctive pull. To inclination and disinclination. To judgment and distortion. To the secret language of picnics. To questions I didn’t understand, trying to hear the question behind the question.
To music that is like this and music that is like that. To Bond Girl aka Incoming Me.
Listening more.
Bond Girl told me where to go dancing and when.
I got there and did not like. That’s not true. Loved the music and the concept, atmosphere didn’t feel right.
There’s a protocol for that, of course. “If something doesn’t feel right and you can’t shift it, exit!”
Me: (listens!)
Bond Girl: Finish the mission. Do the thing you came here to do.
Me: I don’t know what that is yet.
Bond Girl: You’ll know what it is later. Now there is dancing to do.
Wow was she ever right.
Listening even more. And not arguing.
Bond Girl: Let’s go back inside and get a tissue.
Me: I don’t really need a tissue.
Bond Girl: And yet that’s what’s indicated.
Me: (huffy) OKAY-FINE.
Back inside, I discovered I’d left my water bottle next to the box of tissues. Then the bus was late and I was happy to have water in my wait in the sun. Later I was happy about having the tissue too.
Me: What if I hadn’t listened?
Bond Girl: All timing is right timing. Any moment can be a moment for listening.
Me: Oh. So it doesn’t matter that I listened and then didn’t listen and then listened again.
Listening more and more and more.
Now? Now. Do it? Do it.
Listening more and more and more and more than that, even.
Just when you think you’ve gotten to all the quiet, there is even more quiet underneath…
It is beautiful and cannot be described.
Next time I might…
Listen? Listen. And conduct.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- Fallout from other people in my space.
- You think you’ve worked through all this inherited cultural fear-programming, and then you’re awakened in the middle of the night by pounding on the door because your cousin can’t find his key, and your first thought is: Gestapo! Heart-sigh for that.
- Being around people who are in their stuff, and do not know that their stuff is their stuff.
- Still haven’t found the words that need saying.
- Silent Disco was not silent. In fact, the words “HEY IT’S SILENT DISCO, MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!” were shouted at top volume. It was loud in all different ways: jangly and ungrounded.
- Someone I love in a bout of LFP (Ludicrous Fear Popcorn), and I took it hard, because I was raised with that exact flavor of fear, and I feel strongly about how this is no way to live.
- Misunderstanding with playmate.
- Sleep doesn’t want to happen at night right now for whatever reason.
- Getting to the point of tired that is beyond not-functioning.
- You know when you find someone’s behavior in [situation] reprehensible and unjustifiable, and then you realize you’re basically doing the exact same thing to someone else in a different situation? That was this week.
- That lead to a lot of moments of “I can’t believe X doesn’t have the balls to just say [thing] to my face. Oh, wait…”
- The realization (thanks to something really good happening) that I have been putting up with a lot of crap, and that this needs to change.
- The usual What If You Just Made A Horrible Mistake monsters were in full force. Though Bond Girl wasn’t impressed. That helped.
Things I found delightful.
- This beautiful sweet week.
- Is everything extra-pretty or have I just not been paying enough attention to BEING ALIVE?
- Svevo, my favorite person in the world, stayed the weekend for more play.
- Dozing in the sun with Svevo and Noah in the park, in true Brooks fashion.
- House overflowing with flowers, inside and in the garden.
- Ending Pesach with Marisa and macncheeses.
- The New Orleans thing went better than expected, and then the thing I thought would hurt like crazy if it happened did in fact happen but was so much less painful than what I was imagining.
- Sudden decision making superpowers. I knew exactly what to do. All the previously complicated questions now suddenly have simple, clear, Bond-Girl-approved answers. Scleranthus! Yeah!
- Saturday: 73 degrees. Sat in the garden in the sun. Happy.
- Went to Silent Disco because Bond Girl told me too, and also because I like to express support for all silence-related ventures.
- Dancing all night.
- Welcome surprises. As a noun and a verb. And a superpower.
- Real Beach Day. First one since September. A thousand times better than Fake Beach Day.
- Being at the ocean with Bond Girl made it really clear how much has changed since the Vicarage. Overflowing with gratitude and appreciation.
- New superpower: Everything I encounter today is my ally.
- Discovering at the beach that a story I have been (quietly) telling myself about my life is not true! Astounding and freeing.
- Bond Girl took me on an adventure to teach me to love the edge. At the end she directed me to a spot with no bus stop, trusting that the bus would stop anyway if I smiled. It did. The bus driver: “I only stopped for that smile, you know.” Bond Girl!
- Edited something down from 3485 words to 2930. Progress.
- Good news from two different friends in Berlin.
- Picnic in the park. With red balloons and fading light. Sweetness and delight.
- I can’t stop smiling this week.
- “Solve for happy.” Wait, already solved.
- Sometimes I honestly wonder why anyone says anything at all when the things we want to say are so deliciously obvious. Maybe because it’s fun to find the courage to say them.
- It’s Worldwide Everything Is Right Day. Wait, again? Again. When I forget, I remember that this is possible. And then it is both possible and true.
- Agent White’s favorite piece of punctuation is the ellipsis. I feel strongly about how great this is.
- Feeling the way I feel right now.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom.
Operation Constance Edgewalker Tries On Two Different Hats Wham boom!
Operation Red Rose Missive Wham boom!
Operation Real Beach Day Wham boom!
Reveal and Radiate Wham boom!
Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom! Wham Boom! Wham Boom!
You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Miracles!
Still. Yes. Silent retreat.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I think my favorite one was Feeling Absolutely Fine About Being Mysteriously Awake In The Middle Of The Night.
Oooh, no, my favorite has to be Feeling Completely Glamorous While In Sneakers And Not Wearing Make-Up. That one was new and exiting.
And a superpower I want next week.
Trusting in timing. Letting things be as they are, and smiling.
Proxy of the week.
I’m just trying on hats…
Typos of the week, freudian or otherwise.
Love you, autocorrect. You speak a creepy truth.
Being “ballast” instead of ballsy. And: The bus ended up being Kate!
Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.
This salve gives everything quiet illumination and lustre.
When it is on you, everything you see, touch, feel, encounter or perceive is slightly more beautiful, slightly more pleasurable, lit up by its own light. And you glow quietly towards it, as it glows quietly at you.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
But But But Sandwich.
They are the best. Though it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Announcements coming so very soon! Are you on the list?
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
The Mysteries:
Why no one knows I exist anymore. Clients not coming. While my office mate has them coming in droves. Confusing. Bewildering. Morale-killing. Dangerous.
Why all the emails and phone calls I sent out this week went unanswered. It’s like I’ve been unpersoned.
Was the vision I had about moving up in line all a lie? Is everything leaving because I’m going somewhere I won’t need them? Or am I just at the end of the line, and there is no where to go?
The Delights:
I am having trouble trusting that there are delights.
What Worked:
Inhaling. Exhaling.
Holding on.
Showering. Leaving the house.
Mmm. Macncheeses. Mmmmm.
What worked? Asking for a break.
Next time: the GPS won’t get me to M. Now I know, and I will map it out ahead of time.
Mysteries and challenges:
* budgets vs. realities
* the grinding-ness of the week
* my reaction to individuals attempting to hijack events that are not about them
* Now reminding me of Then. Galorefuls of Fear Popcorn.
* 5 sharps. Eek!
Delightful:
* being sentimental about my favorite bakery at Alimentum
* cocktails and charcuterie with college pal
* a flirty dress I’d been eyeing went on sale
* mom-in-law thrilled with my Easter gift to her
* drama-free end to [a]
* an unexpected acceptance. Cue happy flailing!
Superpowahs in da haus: sorting out sources. Patience with incoherence.
Next week: I want the superpower of feeling more compassion than irritation toward people whose behaviors I currently find infuriating.
Wishing you all warmth and delight.
This week was spring break, and did we need it!
Things that worked: Remaining calm, enjoying, resting, listening for the negative narration and stopping it.
This weeK: more conducting, humming and stopping. I skipped a bunch of Best Practices and i want to integrate them back in.
challenges:
-my wretched exhusband and his wretched stupidities STILL being a thing i have to deal with.
-an inelegant departure to Miami with the girls
-despite bringing journals, art supplies and my laptop, my trip to Miami involved a lot of watching shit like Hoarders and Property Virgins and even….real housewives. Shame
-being in Miami often means i go into this weird limbo, i wihdraw and stop keepign up with any of my life at home, ignore emails etc. not conscious r self aware, makes me uncomfortable.
-REALLY not liking how i looked in a store mirror. ugh. Operation Natasha very stalled, made me feel very bad and hopeless for a few hours.
-turning up at the airport for my flight home, NO recrd of my flight. none. panic. had to buy my ticket right then.
the sparkle:
-the easiest, nicest, least stresful vsiit to see my folks ever. wow
-had a good time with the whole family and got to see old friends
-went down to the Florida Keys, fell even deeper in love with the Keys. I really love it, we never spend any real time there though
-despite my hateful internal narrative, came home to a very warm welcome
-puppy time matters less when i get to play like a Panther.
-after i was unhappy with what i saw in the mirror i went to a free fitness class and kicked the shit out of it.
-sunchronous everywhere.
-got in the garden and planted potatos!
hope everyone had a lovely Easter, Pesach, Ostara!
This was a sweet week. So much good.
BOH project done easily and with grace.
The Overflow Disaster Scenario has been addressed.
AND I found some slip on shoes for MrB that solve a lot of problems.
also an invitation to a party.
Kudos to the Butler from an unexpected outside source. I get to pass them on.
A couple of days when I woke early with mysterious amounts of energy.
Shopping magic. (magic because I hate to shop)
Hard things surrounding MrB. Sigh.
Mom refusing to do things she used to love.
Weird sleep things.
Not sticking to my weight loss and exercise plan.
What worked: letting things happen. doing what felt right.
Next week: more of the same. Please.
Hello and goodbye this week!
The hard
The cold continues. It actually snowed! Boo for being cold, boo for being all ‘where is spring?!!’, boo for feeling weirdly disoriented by feeling like it was deep winter in April. Discombobulating.
Under the weather last weekend. Then I felt better for about 12 hours before suddenly feeling a ton worse, and spending most of the week feeling dreadful.
Unsurprisingly, tired.
Hardly doing any dance or yoga owing to sick and tired and feeling distinctly bleurgh now.
Watched an episode of CSI without Grissom. I used to love this show and now it just needs to be put out of its misery.
The good
Day of sunshine – it was still freezing but felt more bearable!
Gift of some pretty mini-daff type bulbs that are now sitting by my laptop looking all yellow and beautiful.
Making considerable headway on the exciting new project, and enjoying do so.
My new Pug Life hoodie, courtesy of my new client. And teaming this with my polka dot leggings today.
New ongoing client! Super exciting to start working with them.
Also, negotiated on price twice this week and did it well. Woot! So much progress here.
Very succesful Easter weekend at the restaurant – good to see all the work I do having an effect.
Kitty snuggles and love.
Now, time for tea and writing and watching kitty snoozing on her pillow. 🙂
Cluck cluck cluck
@seagirl, you cannot run out of spots in the line, like prime numbers. Believing this for all the parts of you that can’t believe it right now, pick it up whenever you’re ready. xoxoxoxo
Things I resisted welcoming
– tears at bedtime. UGH I HATE THIS so.hard.
– being tiiiired
– not being able to sleep
– not being able to bring my shoulders down from my ears for more than two seconds at a time. Not feeling tension on an emotional or cognitive level yet so no idea WHY I’m feeling stressed, just knowing that I am.
– decidedly.not.conducting. Not even in a I’m going to Not Conduct In A Conscious Hey-I’m-Going-To-Do-Some-Burn-Noticing-About-Why-I’m-Not-Conducting just in a shit-another-day-and-I-didn’t-conduct-damn way.
– shame swamp and fail fog calling when triggered by The Consequences Of Stuff I Regret So Badly But Can’t Change Now
– school holidays. They are not restful for me.
Hhhhmmmmhhhmmmmmmm….. empty empty empty releasing releasing releasing….
Things I welcomed with ease and delight
+ a [silent retreat] last night *giggles and blushes a bit*
+ my mother-mind group. (Not a ‘master-mind’, far too patriarchal for us rebellious mamas).
+ Wonderbaby has started walking a little bit. Soooo cute. Except when she really earns her new nickname: Henry VIII!! Actually she’s cute even when she Wants What She Wants And She Will Make A Fuss Until She Gets It.
+ WORDS!!!!!! I had WORDS. And they were No Big Deal. And yet, also, yes, they are. Life porpoise ftw. Massive life changes worthwhile if in service of life porpoise. Words are evidence of movement towards living in congruence with and in support of life porpoise. Yay. So, yes, WORDS. Yay.
+ my imaginary big-sister Frank. She is ahmaaahzing and great. Also imaginary which means she is part of me even if I’m not yet living in her head 24/7. She’s on her way. Or I am. Or something.
+ possibility of more [silent retreat] this week! Bahahahaa, this is hilarious and great and I’m enjoying it. Wheeee!
That’ll do. Love to all. xoxoxoxo
Hi all! I’m so glad Chicken Amnesty applies, as this is definitely a Saturday.
Awesome of the week:
–My lovely colleague and I have indeed had the positive week we hoped we’d have at the library during spring break.
We had lots of great participation in our daily art projects, the kids were mostly chill with us and each other, and we only had to kick kids out for the day once (for excessive bad language) and it didn’t turn into a big drama–they just left. My superpowers of Hopeful Anticipation, Calm Alertness, and Firm Rootedness showed up bigtime.
I had a lot of fun on my day off (yesterday); I bought a sandwich & ate it outside by a lovely little manmade duck pond, complete with fountain, and read a delicious book. Then I wandered, ended up at an art museum I loved, and ate a gelato and sat in the sun some more. It was great!
I bought the Monster Coloring Book (with Extra Destuckification!)
Spring has finally come to my area in earnest!
Challenging (and mysterious!) of the week:
Even though I’ve declared my intention to change this pattern, I’m still staying up later than I want to be on the Internet after I get home from work, especially on the late nights when I work til 9:15 and get home around 10.
A dear friend is away, spending time with her grandfather who she loves dearly and who has recently refused all non-palliative care. Missing my own grandfather who died a couple of years ago, and wondering what will be the best support to give when she returns.
I had a minor attack of the “you’d better not waste this day” monster on my day off, and the money shame monster too.
I haven’t made the decision about whether I’m going to try to do my own taxes this year, or send them off to my longtime tax lady. Feeling some urgency around this!
Ch-ch-chicken! Cluck, cluck!
What worked?
Antihistamines. And Noticing.
And not fighting the pull of the past.
Me, announcer voice: Folks, I see past-me, and she’s sitting on the edge of her bed in an elephant pink room, rocking and hurting…
(insert the sound of a needle scratching a record here)
Past-Me: Yeah, don’t listen to her, ok? She’s gone so far away from me now, she just doesn’t get it. Here’s the deal ….
Next time?
Next time, I need to remember that the standard “spring is about to start” routine is not enough once it turns into “Whoa! Would you look at all of that spring!” This is part of understanding what the seasons mean to me.
The Challenging Mysteries (<– just one guy)
– It's really sad-making that I'm so very allergic to trees when it cuts down on enjoying beautiful spring sunshine and flowers. This is why, every year, I go out and sit in the grass and enjoy the spring, and then spend the next 3 days so uncomfortable that I'm begging for rain.
– Waking up early one morning with a dream that dragged me into 2 hours of negotiation with hurting-past-me and one of the Stories of my life.
– Work projects still taking too long, still creating all the anxiety about other people's stuff. And there's eleventy-hundred videos to watch for class this week. Fear popcorn about running out of time for everything.
– There's a friend that I have that I'm not sure what I want to do about our relationship. And because I don't know what I want, I'm not able to move.
– I keep forgetting to create new patterns with Operation Glowing Radical Awesome Training Internal Treasures, Uniting Deliciousness Everywhere. Really want to start remembering to do this every day, but I don't know what's missing to help me remember.
– Procrastinating the yoga. And then missing it because I didn't do any. And not acknowledging how much I don't enjoy certain teaching styles.
– Eeensy weenie little shame monster about how long it's been since I updated my blog. Just doing other things right now, and All Time is the Right Time.
The Yay!
+ Time Saturday and Sunday with some of my favorite people. In the sun.
+ After spending time Sunday with some of my favorite people, some more of my favorite people stopped by for a visit.
+ Sunday brunch. I love brunch, it might be my favorite meal of the day. Especially when someone else cooks it.
+ Found an awesome new recipe in a magazine that I spontaneously picked up. And it was delicious!
+ Three words: Chocolate Cherry Sourdough. Topped with Devonshire cream. Totally not health food, but totally delicious.
+ Cocoa time nestled into a corner of the bookstore. And finding a bonus book that I didn’t know existed but wanted so badly once I saw it.
Magical Powers?
This week, I asked for the power of Softly Exploring and got the exploring part, at least. It was more of an Adventuresome Exploring.
Next week, I’d like the magical power of Remembering That This Is Part of My Story – and maybe a side order of letting it stew enough to start understanding what it means.
Nice to be back with the chicken ritual!
The hard:
Sick with bronchitis, much sicker than I have been in some time. As an added bonus, there is laryngitis so involuntary SILENT RETREAT much of the time.
Can’t sleep for coughing.
Stuck in the house.
Stomach upset, can’t eat, blah blah.
Endless monster narrative about how my job stress is making me sick, where will this end, and so on. May be true but harping not helpful.
Finally getting tired of reading, movies and my own brain.
Discouraging news on the conference call.
Mr. TAZ working too much (and ignoring my advice about it).
Had to cancel visit to my parents, at much expense and stress.
The good:
Lovely weekend in Indiana!
So smart to cancel the parental trip, which would have been torture under the circumstances.
The silence helps clarify things. Easier to think if I don’t have to be always talking.
I am extremely lucky to be able to recover in my nice home, with a warm bed, all the books and entertainment I could ever want, sweet kittens to cuddle, etc. Also that I have access to healthcare at all, lest I forget. (Wahoo! Bonus antibiotics!)
People were extremely kind when I returned to work.
Weather improving, so more possibility of walks and sitting outside in the sun.
My new mantra: Step back and let go.
I wish everyone a stress free, healthy week.
Buck buck!
The hard:
– Sore shoulders and neck, probably from ergonomically unsound weeding plus carrying suitcases at 2 a.m. and then sleeplessness on uncomfortable pillows. Acupuncture didn’t help. After two days, tried Ibuprofen which did.
The good:
– Picking up my cousin at 1 a.m. and then getting two hours of catchup from her trip. Signing up for a weekend seminar with her since she’s taking a new job and will no longer be working weekend night shifts.
– Drastic pruning of my too-close-to-the-house holly tree before it entirely warms up around here. The tall phlox nearby is getting more light than it has seen in many a spring and already is sending out thank-you’s. New plants to plant!
– Days with clear blue skies, yum!
What worked:
– Compassing. Sun exposure. Starting work when I craved it; stopping work when I got tired.
The hard:
* freaking out all of Monday and all of Tuesday, being the boringest pellet-pusher and re-liver of scary old irrelevant stories ever and if you couldn’t tell by the way I’m narrating this, having trouble giving legitimacy to ALL the ways in which this pattern is OHMYGOD STILL annoying and hard
* the freakout ended and then someone stole all of my energy and my force field was so porous it barely existed! I only came back to me, like, Friday night.
* things did not get done! until, like, today.
The good:
* today, massive, insane, giantly important things got done. all the while giggling hysterically in public and eating outrageously delicious things all day. This Was Good.
* my partner-in-crime is even wackier, more brilliant and devious than I am. this is the best news.
* discussions about our giddy-making dreams were had in extensive detail
* The Thing That Did Not Get Done all week got done finally today. It took me an hour and a half.
* The madcap campaign of indiscrminate photographing of things I found delightful. It is a campaign that my inner genius started and it will go on.
* massive strides on the sovereignty front due to surviving 72 hours of non-stop pellet-pushing that dissolved into Truth.
* being able to attribute my newfound genius to all the things I’d done horrifically wrong. Thank you, Principle of All Things Are Useful.
* indecent levels of tingle-joy with General E. and soooo many hours of it.
* learning how to return things to mountains. discovering that this is an option with a surprising array of things.
* Power! I haz it. Or rather, Incoming Me knows a dizzing amount about it. I am excited to get to meet her.
WHAT WORKED:
– listening to the channelers do the channeling. This should happen every single day!
– rendez-vous with the Marquise. DO MORE OF THIS. I say at least 3 hours of this PER hour spent with the General. or perhaps anyone else.
– trusting my body when it is telling me to rest
– being present for my body’s enthusiasms
– poetry; reading and writing, for the Hours of Funky
– being in the library
– the kitchen timer which is actually not a kitchen timer. for when shit needs to get done.
HARD
+Goodbye, Magic School
+fear, stress, anxiety, sadness related to the anticipation of my defenestrated rhythms
+oh, and that was the same as the Off Weekend! Oh, hello! Tizmun, ahoy!
+not feeling enthusiastic about my Gold Star Sticker or wanting to tell people about it, because the Goodbye is too pruneful
+oh it’s so awkward with Cpt. Jag right now
+also Goodbye Spiral School, i was really looking forward to you too 🙁
+carelessly overloading with [stuff like That Song]
+noticing: still carrying a LOT of anger at K
+thinking Thursday was Friday, what?
+HELLO gender stuff
GOOD
+becoming Part Of History!
+Inkchanger!
+I See The Moon!
+I have a Gold Star Sticker! I didn’t even know! Surprise Gold Star Sticker!
+hello, chakra bees!
+Op: Mystic Toblerone
+veganize: Cadbury Creme eggs, success!
+intergalactic transcontinental tea and toasties party with J! YAY!
+Six Out Of Seven = PERFECT
+Monday Lapconcert!
+Hello, Mozart!
+Mega Spiral
+library!
+Hello, Octopi!
+Op: Dance on the Dock
+video chat with K & A!
+playFlow (permission!!)
THINGS THAT WORKED
+treating myself to some delicious literary mindfuckery
+tea party freeforall!
+Human Costume!
+hey, I can cook while I listen to recordings! SA#T: ACTIVATE
+miniops! now with more Ladders! (p.s. I LOVE LADDERS A LOT)
+everything that involved hearing people’s voices (clew!)
PLAYING WITH
+experiment: Now List instead of Can Do list. (status: will not be a long-term replacement, but will add to Toolbox as a possibility for days when I do not want to Can Do)
+what if everything is a Love Letter to myself? like, EVERYTHING at all. (explore.)
+renaming: [Listener Treat]!
+Bees!
+everything is a Library
+April: The Moon of Bridges
+noticing Patterns
SUPERPOWERS I’VE BEEN USING
+Superpower of I Live In Musicianworld
+Superpower of Feathery Wing Shields
+Superpower of Puzzling
+Superpower of Moon Walk
SUPERPOWERS I INVOKE
+Superpower of Clean Bridges
+Superpower of Yes
+Superpower of Regrowth (WITH BOOSTER PAC)
+Superpower of the Horizon
FAKE BAND OF THE WEEK
The Radioactive Cranberries! Wow, I can’t believe it’s just one guy. Playing pretty much ’round the clock for 9 months at the Fridge Roadstop Cafe.
*doing the chicken amnesty dance*
What worked? Finding the good.
Celebrating the good things in between the hard. Enjoying the puppies (all nine of them!). Loving all the time I had with E. Reconnecting with N. Driving cross-province with N. Dinner with T. Recognizing that, despite everything, I found time to play and connect and be heard.
The hard:
– Travelling >20 hrs to visit family. Then having them leave on a different trip the next morning, while I stayed to look after their house/pets/life while they were gone. It was a bucket-list trip for them, and my own choices in the past had set a precedent for this pattern, but I still felt frustrated and upset. The doormat monsters had a lot to say about this.
– Pain, pain, pain everywhere, and the fear that comes with that. The (seemingly) huge gap between the body I have and the body I want to have.
– That one day when just walking around the floor at work had me crying from pain.
– More miscommunication with L. Fuzzy boundaries leading to uncomfortable topics.
– Shadows.
– Doing someone a favour, and then finding out later that they “misrepresented the truth” to get what they wanted. I was sad that I didn’t get to go to the party with cake and presents, and instead had to work two shifts on a busy afternoon.
– Landlords decided to redo back hallway floor now that the kitchen is done. Huge stressball fear popcorn about Space! Privacy! Boundaries!
– Relationship with R is changing. She is moving in a direction that I can’t follow, and that makes me very sad.
– Getting to ENOUGH, already. Without grace.
The good:
– N and N, E and T. Puppies!
– Finding yoga poses that relieved some of the pain! Staying in them FOREVER and seeing the benefit.
– Finding the course!
– Getting that brush for the dog so my sinuses will recover. (also apple treats!)
– Agent found a good home.
– A pleasant breakfast with L.
– Cave time.
– Everything smells like cedar and ocean and spring!
– Quiet time with M.
Goodbye week. You were very hard, but I learned some important things. *blows kiss*
Onward to April!
*watches the chicken scurry off into the distance*
Bye bye, last week. You were a busy one.
*blows a kiss*
I haven’t chickened in so long! I don’t know if I know how to chicken anymore.
The hard (certainly hard and not mysterious)
– Revisiting fears of being replaceable, fears of disproportionate relationships, wanting to be closer to people than we are but there not being room for me.
– Wanting to quit from a thing that I wasn’t allowed to quit without a hee-uge bill.
– Stressing myself into physical exhaustion + illness.
The good
– Working around the thing I wanted to quit so that I don’t feel guilty anymore.
– The time I did spend with People I Think Are Friends But I Want To Be Much Closer To.
– Gin, wine, pork, and dogs.
– Hard work paying off.
– Realising the things I’m finding hard represent what I value most right now.