Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Planting: Using silence to say the unsaid things.
The situation.
I am sick. And worn out. And my throat hurts.
That’s not the situation though. That’s just the thing giving me the loudest information about the situation.
My body operates in pretty much purely symbolic ways. My throat only hurts when there is something I need to say that is not being voiced.
Which is pretty funny, if you think about it, since I don’t speak at all.
Anyway, it’s not particularly surprising. I can think of six separate situations where I have not said the thing that needs saying. And my Day of Wearing Courage Like A Cloak last week stirred up more of that.
What I want.
To say the things but not out loud.
To access a state of deep quiet and internal connectedness.
And then to find out what I would say if I were courageous, centered and speaking my personal Havi-truth.
To say it just for me.
For me. For me, to the forest, for the ocean, to the fountain. Like that.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Spaciousness. Softening. Forgiveness. Quiet. Steadiness. Plenty. Contentment. Release.
And the superpower of remembering that This Moment Right Now Is Right. Including this unraveling and falling apart, which is also right. Including not liking it. And knowing that in six months I will say “oh, that was a fortunate thing” but still resisting it right now.
I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to appreciate it. And I can still remember that nothing is wrong.
More about what I know.
Bond can help. Barrington can help. There is help and support.
Time and sleep and baths (which was last week’s secret Thing X wish). These can help.
And! One thing I have learned from silence and being silent is that silence really does heal everything.
Real silence (not shutting-up but intentional radiating quiet) is a gift of presence. It works all kinds of crazy wonders.
More about what I want.
It really is about responding with presence instead of words. With love instead of trying to give what I think the other person wants. And about taking care of the space around me and the space inside of me.
I also want to find out what I would say if I weren’t worried about apparent contradictions that might turn up in my answers, and how I would explain them.
Or: what I would say if I weren’t wondering how it would be received, or worried about how people would feel.
What I would say if I were saying it in a way that is so quiet and graceful that it’s really just channeling the bells of Havi Bell? That’s what I want. To be a clear conduit for “This Is What Is True For Me Right Now.”
With gentleness and curiosity.
No blaming. No placating. Just there, with love.
Oh something funny just happened. Funny in the sense of hahahahahaha AND weird-crazy. Also in the sense of oh-god-not-funny-at-all.
Just got a request from someone who believes that all kinds of things trump the gifts of silence. So silence is needed to quietly say what needs to be said here as well.
Ways this could work.
Buying a small notebook. Talking to Bond. Doing this together. Creating the best possible safe room.
I’m playing with…
Wearing courage like a costume.
Knowing and trusting that speaking truth — even through silence and when the other party can’t “hear” — is still powerful and effective communicatin.
Maybe even sometimes more so than actual conversation.
To meet monsters as they show up and talk to them too.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Operation Tailor Tailor. I just had the most hilarious thought that possibly Taylor and/or Taylor would know about this.
- What do you want, beautiful hat?
- Operation P.O.S.T.P.O.N.E.
- Ask Rebecca.
- Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
- Talk it out with Bond Girl.
- Pleasure and Delight.
- The kind of healing that happens with laughter.
- Perfect simple solutions.
- Operation Why Yes I Am A Princess.
- Prom dress?! Hahahahaha. No, really.
- Miracles at Stompopolis!
- Fix the straps.
- Vancouver.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
- What do I need? What do I want?
The qualities inside of the wants:
Blissful steadiness. Wonder. Quiet. Trust. Radiating. Plenty. Glow. Precision.
And the superpower of finding support.
Seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Operation PLANT SEEDS.
Plant more seeds. Seed more silence. Trust what I know.
I’m playing with…
This is right.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Things that have already come to life: I wanted Thing X (lots and lots of bath time), and got it. And I got a second Beach Day! Operation FLOWERS happened in a big way. Same with conducting.
What else?
Everything else can percolate for now.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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“Wearing courage like a costume!” Just what I needed to read. Thank you.
I have lots of Asks this week, ops and projects and wants.
Operation It’s In the Cards
Project Gooey Go-go
Operation Cheerful Summer (Re-deck) Phase 1 and 2
Operation Ooops-a-Daisy
Operation Eject and Project Clean Sweep
Tomatoes for the Iguanas (Again. Sigh.)
Project Over-due
I want TOT to. be. done. (this is what I need courage-like-a-costume for)
MrB’s shins and temp and BP back to normal and his energy level to improve.
My energy level to recover.
Old novels
The Samogitian Uprisings!
Tuesday will be my mother’s 85th birthday; I want to see her/spend time with her.
Also I want the Perfect Simple Solution to gifts for her, Cat, Red Mullet, and my old buddy TL.
The list of [silent retreat]
Operation Borrowed Singer
Playing all the way through the week, with all the ops and projects and wants and activities and responsibilities.
The right shoes for the metaphors and/or costumes for each activity: stompy boots, ballet slippers, pumps(!), sneakers…
And the right hair.
VickiB, I love you so much. I shower your gwishes and ops and projects with sunshine and buttercups!!
My gwishes for this week:
– to mourn and honour and release my relationship with my computer and phone, which I have become so attached to for the safe spaces that I have access to through these devices. They have been a lifeline for my sanity. I am safer now. My relationship to these devices can change as my need for safe spaces changes too.
– oh man, I am so cheeseblocked. Processing on supps and nutrition and replenishment. Processing beyond “I want some of Roger Ramjet’s Proton Pills, waaah” because not surprisingly that didn’t actually yield any change! So, processing. Yes.
– one tiny thing every day. With accountability buddy.
– verbalising my intentions for the next day to a chicken-buddy. Which will
forceencourage me to SET some intentions. With the idea being to move from reactive to creative. To take the lead in my dance with life sometimes. Or, to take the lead more consciously and intentionally.– oh and er yeah um buy a car. aaauugghh.
*fairy dust*
Let’s see. Last week was chutes and ladders with no ladders. I wanted ladders. I got a meeting. I got some courage to ask more people, even after almost everyone else said no or lalala or someone got here before you. I got some courage to say no.
What I want:
Clients. Income. Fees. Money. To get a little higher on Maslow’s triangle. To stop being stuck at resources and safety and be able to spend my time at creativity, love, belonging, without always having to run back down and shore things up on the lower levels. Seriously.
Here’s what I want: vocal rest — and restoration. I have been dealing with seasonal allergies for about a week now. I use my voice a lot in my work. Plus last night was the choral concert I’d been looking forward to for months. I did manage to sing for it — not at full strength, but with spirit and presence — and today, I’m at the point where even talking hurts. Honestly? Even breathing kind of hurts, in my throat. I want to give myself permission for vocal rest (it’s like silent retreat!) and I want my voice to return, gently, easily, when it is ready.
Qualities inside the want: Healing. Permission. Ease. Rest. Trust. (oh, trust…)
Ways this could work: I’m already not singing today. It just feels hard for me to allow myself to stop speaking altogether. Maybe I can start with just noticing, asking myself to be more conscious of the times when I want to speak, and see if I can just ease up even a little bit — be softer, say less, do less.
I’m playing with: other avenues of creative expression — writing, smiling, eye contact, body language. I’m also doing my best to meet the monsters who are so afraid that I can’t stop using my voice, or else no one will love me or pay any attention to me. Oh, monsters. Thank you for wanting me to be loved and cared for. Maybe this is an opportunity for us to explore some different ways to give and receive love and attention. Yes?
Oh, and I almost forgot! One more very important thing that I’m playing with: imagining my voice. Feeling it resonate, in my mind and body and spirit, while still allowing it to rest. This is new, I think.
Heart sighs and aconite to all!! Aconite is the Flower of the Week!
So resonating with every word of this post, especially “what do i want, what do I need?”
Thing 1: Omg A & I are having a bad Moment. My bestie and I are NotOkay. She is very upset with me and i dont knw why and i tried to answer too soon and it is just dismay!
WIW: We get to a place of more understanding and mkindness, this gets reslved
WTCW: Umm, dunno. I mean, i do know really, i’m just taking a Paws.
ICT: Being receptive and present. gentleness for everyone.
Other things in the pot:
-what do I want, what do i need?
-after beng unable to name something i truly i desire, i found soemthing: Thorn’s class on Courting Desire! see also: irony, lulz.
-wnating more time in the spring.
-re-charting Fridays. they have been very stuffed wuth things lately, and do not quite satisfy. Investiagte this.
-Operation Natasha–some movement here! changes are happening. able to envision goals here, and now rewards! wow
-more time in the Treehouse, using the mirror