Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Planting: Overestimating the Underestimating.

The situation. And background.

I overestimate my capacity for [all forms of doing]. This is a known thing.

While I do that — hahaha just to make it more fun and by fun I mean “torture” — I also vastly underestimate how long it takes to actually do [things that I think need doing].

Not just me. Pretty much everyone I know does this to some degree.

The result is not all that surprising. The usual things. Worn out and worn down. Frustrated. Baffled. Overwhelmed.

This year, in my Year of Emptying and Replenishing, I have been allowing twice as long to do things, and doing half as many things. And I’m still underestimating my capacity for overestimation.

Gravestone sentiment, anyone?

She underestimated her capacity for overestimating her capacity.

What I want.

To see what it looks and feels like — as a conscious experiment in playful presence — to do the opposite of that.

To overestimate my tendency to underestimate how much time and energy things take.

Instead of trying to do ten things in a day… maybe one. Or maybe even half of one. Terrifying, yes.

My monsters, specifically the Assembly of Time Gremlins, are not going to like this. But I am convinced it’s going to be a useful experiment.

And I’m going to fractal flower the hell out of my one thing: whatever it is I’m doing is going to stand in for all the things that need doing, and somehow have an impact on them too.

I will try to enter each thing with intention: this is a door. Hello, experience.

I want to find out what it is like to rest into my doing, instead of to force it.

Obviously this is a pretty crazy-advanced practice, so what I’ll start with (see? already starting smaller) is just the part about noticing.

Noticing how much I really want to be able to do All The Thing. Noticing how scary it is to pause. How scary it is say “Wait, hat if we do this one thing, slowly and lovingly, with grace and presence?”

Interacting with that, in whatever playful ways feel right.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Trust. Integration. Presence. Wonder. Blissful Steadiness. Plenty. Sweetness. Intention.

And the superpower of remembering that you can’t run out of prime numbers.

What might help?

• Letting the Internal Scientists take notes.
• Finding out how all the Doings are connected, so I can really feel
  how doing one thing is unraveling stuck and smoothing out pathways for the other ones.
• Safety first.
• Not My Bus. Those other things that I am not doing in this moment: not my bus. The bus I am taking will also get me to where I need to get to. Experience this.
• Reminding myself that when I try to take ALL the buses, not only do I not get to the places I was hoping to visit, I get to the same place: exhaustion and pain.

Anything else?

Ahahahahaaaaaaa.

I’m going to let this be enough. See? CRAZINESS.

I’m playing with…

Like last week: Wearing trust like a costume.

Pretending that this Focusing On One Mission Each Day is new orders given to me from HQ. The Agency has their reasons. My job is to test this new way, and to preserve the integrity of the experiment.

Mmm. Agency. I love having Agency. And an Agency.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• Loving the red lights. Letting them be the best kind of pause.
• Pause. Paws!
• Operation Rest Well.
• Respecting the Seven Wells, while remembering that the First Well always comes first.
• Remember? Remember? Rest is the first duty of the queen.
• The labyrinth never lies.
• I can tell people about the dream if I want to.
• I have a piece of information I wish I didn’t have, and it needs to be shared. And at the same time: This Is Right. How can I do this with love and warmth?
• This moment is beautiful. I just noticed something.
• NPH. Nap or Nidration as a portalbridge to a healing.
• Code.
• Pleasure.
• Is it time for Plum Duff? Let’s find out!

Repeats from last week.

Either because they’re good ones, or because they need some extra spaciousness.

• Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
• Operation Why Yes I Am A Princess.
• What do I need? What do I want?
• Welcome, fears. Come this way. Straight to the hugging room! We have it all set up for you.
• Sweet blissful steadiness.
• Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.

The qualities inside of the wants:

The qualities from the last two weeks are still working for me.

Blissful steadiness. Wonder. Quiet. Trust. Radiating. Plenty. Glow. Precision.

And the superpower that I’m calling “If it’s the tool I’m using, then yeah, in this moment let’s let it be the right one for the job, and maybe that will also reveal the next tool…”

Also known as Acceptance and Curiosity.

Again again again. Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

Well well well well well well well.

All the wells.

Discuss the Seven Wells with Agent Pontini, who introduced the First Four. Is there a compass of well? Well? Well. Well well. Yes. Quite.

And same as last week: Plant more seeds. Seed more silence. Trust more. Nope, more than that. Recognize that the trusting itself requires trust. Be okay with not trusting, which is itself a form of trusting more! Like that.

I’m playing with…

Stop and breathe. Pause interactions, of all kinds, and say: Hey, I need to stop and breathe. And then doing it.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I wanted a salve for things that are raw, and I got it.

It took a while, and the answer was: PLAY. Play was the salve. Not silence and not words, because both of those are only forms of play. The answer isn’t the form, the answer is in the playing.

What else? The Bolt Bus. Of course. Perfect. The reconfigurings and endings happened with ease, as requested.

Prom was both easy and not easy, but the not-easy was useful, and the getting out of it when I needed to get out of it was very easy.

Miracles and sweet, blissful steadiness were a lot more present than I expected them to be when I asked. I mean, wow. Lots of wow about both of those. I am feeling good, and taking things slowly.

Some of the scary things are still REALLY scary, but my reaction and responses to them are entirely different now, thanks in large part to the miraculous things that happened during Rally (Rally!) and to the new Buttmonster Coloring Book that we played with at Rally.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox