It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
Flowers.
Flowers make everything better.
I know this, and then I forget it.
Also if you have a bouquet of flowers, you can split it up into a dozen or so tiny jars and vases all around the house, and then you have flowers everywhere, making everything better not just in general but in all the places at once.
This week I got Flowers From Floopers (my favorite thing!) and I-love-you-flowers that did double-duty as apology-flowers.
Flowers were a clew.
Dressing up.
This week was Rally (Rally!), and it was Rally C and I was there as Honey the Bounty Hunter.
I kind of assumed Honey the Bounty Hunter would dress like Rocker Me. But it turns out that she likes to wear fitted dresses and Bond Girl boots. Honey the Bounty Hunter is a grown up — a super sexy one, and ridiculously confident. Costumes are everything, again.
She got to be in charge of my Rally projects, and she knew exactly what to do with them. Laissez les bon temps roulez!
Next time I might…
Pause for eight breaths.
Be the compass.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Someone who loves me very much said a thing that was so incredibly cruel (or perceived that way by me) that I actually went into shock, and for about twenty minutes nothing in the world made sense. It reminded me of the time my beloved mentor suddenly turned on me. Like the floor had suddenly disappeared. A breath for pain.
- All week I kept filtering experiences through this person’s words, suddenly viewing a variety of my day-to-day choices and delights through the eyes of someone who could (possibly, sometimes) see me that way, and it hurt. A breath for releasing this untruth, and for whatever needs to happen to heal this.
- Sometimes it seems like there are not enough hours in the day to skip all the stones I want to skip. A breath for desiring more time to process and explore.
- In a dance class: answering yes when the answer was no. A breath for the perception of not being able to explain myself.
- My quiet daily yoga ritual disappeared this week due to [factors]. A breath for missing the thing that helps.
- Cultural stuff. A breath for outsider complex. Whoosh! Elevator shaft!
- I uncovered an entire storage closet of shame. A breath for all the things that want to be released.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The person who loves me and said the very hurtful thing knew the exact right way to apologize. A breath for feeling heard and treasured.
- Five hour Whiskey River Jitterbug workshop!!! A breath for Dancer Me getting to play.
- House full of flowers. A breath for beauty.
- Knowing what I want. A breath for forward movement.
- RALLY RALLY RALLY OHMYGOD RALLY. Rally C! I worked on things that have been stuck for months, and all of a sudden they were easy. A breath for magic.
- Improved communication with someone I love. A breath for gifts.
- My wonderfully supportive housemate packed me a delicious lunch each day for Rally, with a homemade pickle too. A breath for feeling deeply cared for.
- My dance partner is just the right dance partner. A breath for feeling safe, playful, and feeling like a gazelle even when I have no idea what I’m doing.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Operation Emu-
Operation Dru Yearly Mission: Sneakoween aka Invisiween aka HunkerdownoweenUndercover: Flushing OutOperation Salve/Salve IOperation By The Count
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of being okay with being seen!
(!!!!!)
Yes.
And I also had the Billy Zoom superpowers I asked for last week. Nice!
And a superpower I want next week.
The twin superpowers of graciously letting go and graciously receiving.
Salve.
The salve of letting go.
This salve dissolves internal rules and restrictions so that suddenly you become aware that you already have let go of all kinds of things you didn’t even realize were weighing you down. Whoosh! There they go.
This salve knows that spaciousness and safety are not mutually exclusive. It gives you both at the same time.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form or in pill form or as a shower or whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Hello, November!
I was feeling a little sad about exiting October, the month of MUCHNESS, with its cheery calendar image featuring a badonkadonk of buttmonsters, and the superpower of finding comfort unexpectedly.
But I turned the page and guess what, I found even more comfort unexpectedly, because November is all about experimentation, which is exactly what I need. Delight!
This month’s quality: CURIOSITY.
November comes in with the superpower of All Experiments Are Useful And Valid, which is pretty much exactly what I need right now.
Hello, November. I’m glad we’re here. Thank you, October, for being lovely.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band:
Go Lint Yourself
They seem to have a lot of accordions. Which is weird, because I’m pretty sure it’s just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys you guys you guys!
I am going to once again loudly (for me) recommend the Monster Manual & Coloring Book., which helped me empty out the shame closets without having to actually go inside of them.
AND. If you know people in Portland and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us check in with a hi or a ♡, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Follow
A breath for a situation that had a lot in it.
A breath for days unpacking that situation.
A breath for monsters thinking “normal people” don’t continue processing things after the things are “done.”
A breath for complete overwhelm, and a shutdown that was merciful but had its own fallout.
A breath for feeling like I’m screwing up pretty majorly.
A breath for fear, and guilt, and anger.
A breath for the Floop, where everyone said the just-right things.
A breath for a giant breakthrough.
A breath for small sweetness in unexpected places.
A breath for rest.
Friday chicken!
Cheers cheers chickeneers! Happy Friday 🙂
~What worked?
+ Going fast when I needed to go fast. And slow when I needed to go slow. Appreciation for the just right acceleration-awareness that helped me this week.
+ Babysitters! The wet nurse! Time when time was needed.
+ All the lists. Three different To Do apps and the usual scribbly pieces of paper.
+ Saying hi to the resistance when I really really really didn’t want to [x]. And doing it anyway. And that was okay.
+ Zinc.
+ Right timing, all over the place!
+ This sweet schmoo and her sweet new hat! And my other schmoo dressed as Wonder Woman! <3
+ Clarity about what I want. Feeling accomplished about getting this far. Awe. All of that good stuff.
~What was less than awesome:
+ Head cold while moving.
+ The Piano Situation (definitely just one guy!)
+ Penny's up-all-nightness, with occasional bedwetting.
+ Not getting what I wanted during a negotiation and being in my stuff about the other guy.
+ A predictable result on Halloween that showed me, oops, I actually did care about that part.
+ This feeling of I'm Not Important Enough To Say Goodbye To.
+ Bad dreams. Anxiety dreams.
+ The mental fog of so much to do, so much pressure, no time, all the monsters and realities about that.
BUT/AND:
We did it. It's happening. My/our crazy dream is coming true. Tomorrow we fly to Texas to start a new phase of our family's life. I don't have to work anymore!!! Disproving an ancient secret scared self. We planned and executed this whole thing in about 45 days and even though I don't have a shining blade of This Is Perfect, I do have a triumphant magic glow of This Is An Adventure! And that feels pretty dang awesome.
Salve I would like: Magic Travellube. Removes all that pesky friction from the airplane situation so you just glide on through. Tee hee.
Putting in my order for the Magic Travellube now! 🙂
Yay to this is an adventure! I will miss you so much! Yay magic travellube! <3 <3 <3
Breaths and bouquets for hereness. And hearing. And herding iguanas. 🙂
What worked?
Deliberate, deep breaths.
The molé sauce.
Sitting out some things.
Next time? Say yes to less (so that I can be more here and heard).
Hard…
* Conflicting instructions, healthcare edition.
* Conflicting instructions, hydrangea edition.
* Cyber WTFery.
* ISP WTFery.
* Fences to fix. (Literally. Looking at the reel of utility wire…)
Good…
* Referrals, compliments, support, tutoring, mentoring
* A beautiful day for digging
* Being able to nap when I needed to. It felt soooo good.
* Christmas cactus in full bloom. Hollyhocks looking fine.
* Cute guy on my sofa. Cuddly dog next to it.
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
The good and the hard, the everything:
I wrote a letter to my emotionally abusive mother telling her I would not speak to her until I felt safe. This is the bravest thing I have ever done for myself. A thousand breaths for finally letting go of the fear. A thousand breaths. A thousand breaths.
You don’t know me & I don’t know you, but I travelled a similar path 8 years ago. (I cut off ties with both parents.)
It felt like the world would end, for about 2 months. All my issues with abandonment, even though I’d left them.
But after that? It’s been wonderful. I’ve grown light-years’ worth. I wish I’d been able to do it sooner. And I don’t miss them.
There’s so much more joy in my life now. I wish the same for you.
Hugs, if you want them. You are indeed very brave.
Some Yays:
Autumn colors — trees are glowing!
Chocolate!
Experiments in herding cats (shhh — proxy for getting things done)! Every Experiment Is Useful and Valid, right?
Wallpapering, proceeding slowly but proceeding.
Full spectrum bulbs
Visit with my sister B
Hanging out with my friend B
Laughing with NA and hearing his good news
Some Grumps and Groans:
Feeling chilly
Losing important papers
A plumbing disaster
A surprise bill
A demand for payment that we don’t owe
Forgetfulness
Chaotic rooms because of the wallpapering
Eight breaths for hard:
– The mushroom cloud of drama that appears to be enveloping everything, both here and 1000 km away.
– House guests, close quarters and my need for privacy.
– Closets of shame, and fear, and so much anxiety. (Thanks for the metaphor Havi!)
– Triggered at an inconvenient and disappointing moment.
– Knowing what the next step is, and feeling so terrified about taking it.
– Birthdays, and trying to respectfully celebrate someone who hates celebrations.
– Money, and lack therof.
– Outsider syndrome.
Eight breaths for good:
– I finished my project!! Whoo!! *sparkles sparkles*
– Making strides towards the next thing.
– Wham boomed many things off of the list.
– Back to blogging! Hello again, oh website of mine.
– I found out that the plan I came up with the rescue the business worked! The coffers are full again.
– The drama will sort itself out one way or another. No one is in immediate danger.
– I think I’ve found the perfect non-gift birthday gift (and chocolate peanut butter cupcakes!)
– Halloween came and went, and I didn’t miss getting candy.
<3 for everyone's weekend!
What worked: following my fascinations.
Next time: I would like to reach out for more support.
Hard: The two things I had to do that felt most important to the mission, I have not done yet. I’m trying to believe that there is time and nothing is wrong; it’s a challenge.
Good: Costumes and sovereignty, and it’s about time!
This week’s superpower: falling into the fog of mystery. I am choosing to believe that this was a superpower, therefore it was.
Next week’s superpower: making my mark.
This has been an awesome week, and I have been awesome in it.
The good:
– I got a new job! I hardly tried, and it is exactly what I needed, and the more I hear about it the more I like it.
– Housemate and I moved, and we are now in his house and I have a Room Of My Own.
– Magic sunrise alarm clock. I have had it working for two days and I am in love with it. I am almost sorry that it is the weekend and I don’t have to make a magic sunrise.
– I don’t know why, but I am super-competent at everything I try today. Chutney! Bicycle wheels! Laundry! Scooter!
– Partner has a house too.
– Friends from way back when.
– Take Courage
The hard:
– Long-distance relationship, and poor mobile phone reception, and not being able to dispense hugs where needed.
– Knowing that I’ll miss my colleagues, knowing that I’ll move on and they’ll move on, and that not all the friendships will last.
What worked:
– Letting go of deadlines. I had a deadline for finding a new job: 14 October 2014, one year from when we moved out. It made me cry, so we dropped it. I got a new job within three days.
– Magic sunrise alarm clock, as noted above.
Superpower this week:
– Logistical genius. I moved my day off from Friday to Monday, and that made about sixteen different things turn out perfectly, and saved a whole load of messing about.
– Actually people do not hate me.
Superpower for next week:
– I am Scooterwoman! And also Bikewoman! (But not at the same time.)
Cheers, Chickeneers!
First, Havi, an empathetic, understanding-filled breath for beloved mentors who suddenly turn on us. I know too well about what you speak of and how painful it can be to relive that shock/fear/hurt again. <3
On the topic of hurt — the hard in my week:
1. Saying something to someone I love that was less than gracious. A breath for regret and not having the time or space to process my own hurt before dumping it on others.
2. Repeating an old relationship pattern in my marriage. Another breath for regret.
3. Numbers. Money. And finally figuring out exactly how much we've been spending on food recently. A breath for painful reality checks.
4. Jealousy and "it's not fair" and "how come you get to" and other unbecoming thoughts that erode the connection with my Love. A breath for thinking my temper tantrums should be more mature.
5. Wanting to punish someone I love for things they've done in the past. A breath for wanting justice when it's not even something I value.
6. So tired. A breath for exhaustion.
And for the good:
1. Numbers! Money! And finally knowing how much we're spending on food. A breath for facts that help inform positive new choices.
2. A sticky note from my manager telling me what she doesn't like — that also had a smiley face on it! A breath for wonderful surprises.
3. Throwing a costume together in 5 minutes with my hubby and girlfriend and going to Chipotle for a $3 booorito on Halloween. A breath for spontaneous fun and lots of guacamole.
4. A week in the office of not feeling scared of my new manager. A breath for safety and relief.
5. Carving pumpkins with my coworkers! Everyone was smiling and it made me feel happy and safe. A breath for togetherness.
6. Gentleness. Softness. Understanding. Willingness. Laughter. Remembering. A breath for my sweet husband.
7. Oh em gee. My adorable nephew! A breath for cuteness that always makes me feel better.
Sunday Chicken:
What Worked:
Me! I worked! And it was glorious.
Talking and talking. And then quiet.
The Curious:
Why are things that want me coming out of the woodwork now? And do I want these things?
Why can’t I just be quiet when my noise doesn’t add anything (except self-righteousness)?
How can I throw more of myself into each thing?
The Delightful:
Wantings of me coming out of the woodwork.
Flowers and candles from the farmer’s market.
Cleaning tiny spaces with great love.