It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
Remembering that nothing is wrong.
The bus left without me and Nothing Is Wrong. Apparently it wasn’t my bus.
I mean, it is quite clearly not my bus, because if it had been my bus, I would be on it.
I canceled my appointment and went to the cafe to write.
And then I couldn’t write, but Nothing Was Wrong. And it worked out perfectly.
I have been working with Not My Bus — both as a concept and a practice — in a pretty steady way for about a year now, but it finally feels like it’s landing. It is slowly becoming my automatic response, and I’m able to think it with a smile instead of a groan. This felt big.
Museums.
This week involved a lot of deleting and letting go of things, in various forms.
There were things I wasn’t ready to let go of but also really did not want to look at, because they are full of pain or perceived iguanas. And I also suspect that one day the pain will be over, and I will want to look at them.
So I created museums in the form of folders on my computer and boxes in my basement.
The Museum of The Thing I Used To Teach.
The Museum of The Retreat I Used To Lead.
The Museum of Juanito.
Next time I might…
Keep remembering that nothing is wrong.
Because I forget, over and over again.
And then I notice this pattern-habit of my mind, making assumptions about [Wrong] and [Not Good Enough], when I have no evidence to show this new state of affairs is either of those.
Related: something a dance teacher said this week.
Applicable to everything, so substitute life for “dance”….
There are lots of signals your lead (dance partner) can give you while you’re dancing. But all signals mean the same thing, so really there is only one signal. And the signal says: “Something is about to be different.”
It doesn’t tell you what you should do. It tells you to pay attention so you can feel what is happening, and then you will know what to do and you will already be doing it.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Feeling many [Feelings!] about a number chocolaterie-related situations. Including some chocolate shop patrons smoking pot and wandering around naked. And not just that: in the public hallway that we share with the rest of the building. I really wish that were part of some complicated metaphor, but no, that actually happened. And the fromagerie next door is still leaving their crap in our entryway. A breath for intense frustration, and for legitimacy.
- I made a list of all the things that happened this week, and then lost it. A breath for letting go of what was.
- For the first time since going silent, I ran into some challenges. A breath for being patient, and for letting go.
- Another friendship on the rocks. Sometimes it seems like the more I work on my stuff, the faster the relationships in my life change, and sometimes they change by breaking down. A breath for the pain of this, and for the necessity of it.
- Same as last week: Filters of perception that make now look like then when in fact now is not then. A breath for comfort.
- Worried about the emotional health of someone I love. A breath for trusting in well-being.
- The time gremlins (aka the There Is No Time gremlins) were working overtime this week. Feeling pretty down about all the things that I don’t get to do. A breath for safety and for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- It took my zero time to get ready this week. This never happens. I’d wake up, and get ready in seven minutes and be out the door. A breath for a crazy new superpower that allowed for a lot of freedom and spaciousness.
- I let myself wear the things I never wear. It felt fantastic. A breath of play and Eccentric Glamour.
- Clues everywhere. Also the fact that three different people referenced Simon Doonan means I should probably read Eccentric Glamour. A breath for seeing next indicated steps.
- An amazing conversation with Alon that helped me feel better about everything. A breath for legitimacy and support.
- Agent White invited me and Agents Em Dee and Mueller for a beautiful dinner at his Agency. A breath for joy, friendship, pleasure, ease.
- SO MUCH DANCING this week! Five hours Sunday, four hours on Monday and another four hours on Wednesday. Little practices in between. A breath for play and pleasure.
- I went to an Israeli dancing workshop, something I haven’t done in twenty years, and it felt sweet and familiar. A breath for surprises and for thoroughly enjoying myself.
- I did lots of brave things this week, and am filled with thankfulness for all the beautiful ways that I surprised myself. A breath for seeing how much good is in my life, and a breath for realizing that I do know how to be confident and fearless, two things my monsters are generally convinced I will never experience.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
So many things done this week! The biggest op was called Four Closets and a Castle.
But it was actually Six Closets and Two Castles. Only one of the closets was an actual closet.
I kicked ass on this mission. There was a lot of stuck, and a lot of breaks for processing, and we got there.
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of being confident and fearless.
Or really: the superpower of realizing that I actually am being confident and fearless in situations where I think that I am not.
And a superpower I want next week.
The same one I asked for the last two weeks: the twin superpowers of graciously letting go and graciously receiving.
Salve.
The salve of Strut.
When I put on this salve, I feel like strutting down the street in four inch heels. Suddenly my messy hair is glamourously messy. There is something about this salve that brings out a hidden wild confidence that you didn’t know what there.
You can’t help but having mini-adventures and warm shared smiles, because you just feel deliciously more alive.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form, pill form, as a bath, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes by way of Jon:
Catastrophic Scheduling Failure
It’s melancholy folk, with a lot of harmonica. And also it is just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
If you know people in Portland (the west coast one) or someone who might want to run an event here, and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us check in with a hi or a ♡, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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The Salve of Strut! Yes, I want! I shall wear my Eccentric Glamor and the salve and have adventures and share sweet smiles. It will be glorious. Yes!
This week was all about sedentary movement. Looking back it seems like all I did was the usual stuff, including a lot of sitting around. But somehow a lot of activity took place and things have moved and shifted internally and externally, metaphorically and IRL. Fractal flowers and rabbit holes are magic.
I am amazed.
Mmmmmmmmm. Hi weekend. GOodbye week.
This week included….
– beginning the resetting of Project bedtime. Which is really three projects – Boy Bedtime, Baby Bedtime and Babe, Bed Helps Remember?? There was progress on the first two.
– the Rhythm of Life may be a powerful beat but I’m not tuned into in, or…. have been feeling buffeted about by chaotic swirling waters rather than flowing with pulsing rhythm.
– I fed a hungry dragon but then felt tightness in my counting house for the rest of the week.
– my body feels draaaaiiiiinnnned. This is contributing to the sensation of being buffeted about because I think I’m too tired to catch the flow waves that will get me moving in tune with the rhythm. The opportunities are there but the preparation is not. Remember Bed Helps is part of this, but Eat Living Food Duuuh is probably going to be another part and *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighh* can someone please come and pack me lunchboxes of delicious fresh wholesome food each morning please?
– the Another Adult shaped whole in my Household Rhythm. Or, my perceptions of that because of course (right now) the Two Adult Household bus is not my bus but I’m kind of attached to being on it because I imagine it would meet needs I’m not having met right now. But obvs I’m in resistance to the treasure of right now because it’s probably going to be another bloody learning experience and I’m tired of them and foot stompy blaaaah. OMG Universe, you and the endless bloody learning experiences…… far the eff out. *groan*
My week also included
– omg these kids are so freaking adorable and sweet and …..whole. And not mine. (Like, they are, but also not, in the Khalil Gibran sense of being life’s longing for itself. I am their steward. I get to.)
– Friends! In real life! Community! (Bonus: motivation to tidy the house includes keeping it ‘drop in ready’ which has never been relevant before because: a) i used to be working a lot, b) i didn’t have many friends because my energy was all taken up by the merry-go-rollercoaster, and c) i lived in the city and it took friends twenty minutes to come over so nobody ever just dropped in. But now, these things are not true! Now is not then and I love this experience of community and therefore am motivated to keep the (public areas) of my house tidy. Yay. Also, FRIENDS! Yay.
– floop and floop friends omg <3
– now is now and now is great in a hundred ways so as long as I come back to now over and over (and now is so freaking unrelenting in its existence, sheeesh NEVER lets it be Then, my god no wonder we hang onto it inside us) all is well.
– great teachers and great truths and being ripe for learnings omg I love learning, jnana yoga ftw.
– permission. Can I highly recommend it? It is awesome.
*exhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale*
Farewell Week that Was. Hello, hello weekend.
<3 cluck cluck chicken peeps <3
Did you catch how you wrote “another adult shaped WHOLE”? You are, as always, genius. xo
hmmm, no, no I did not…. however that IS kind of rad. Because “being in the conscious and self-directed reclamation of their wholeness” IS one my minimum standards for Another Adult in my life. LIKE! <3 <3
“…another bloody learning experience and I’m tired of them…”
Hello, universe, could Claire please have some learning experiences that are lovely and fun? The kind that she’ll say “I’m glad that happened!”
Goodbye week!
I’ve been wanting to meditate, so finally this week I downloaded a walking meditations app (I like guided meditations, it pulls me back in if my mind starts to wander) and it helped. It was necessary too. A lot going on in our family right now. Healing vibes to Jay.
Meditation was definitely a good. So is my audiobook on my drive to school/work (being a grad student can make for slightly fuzzy lines there).
I did good organizing my to do list, though it does feel a little overwhelming to have it all the time, but if not things would be forgotten that need to be done and it is in such a pretty little book.
School is a lot right now, but I am doing well. Though, as I said, problems with major illness in our extended family. Which was definitely part of the hard, although not as hard as I would have thought for me.
Exercise on Sunday was nice. I’d like to exercise a second time this week (ie before Sunday) to make it 2x this week. Maybe tomorrow morning? Was supposed to exercise this afternoon, but plans changed.
Superpower is short blocks of intense focus, which the walking meditation has helped with.
On the exhaling all the hard:
1) illness in family
2) stress upon stress
3) tensions in body related to stress – knots that seem to reoccur in the same physical places
4) wanting additional time and not knowing how to get it/where to steal it from.
5) I need to write a CV by Monday and have presentations to do on Tuesday
6) I have 3 weeks until end of term… it is not enough time.
Mmmmm, that salve! I love it.
We are suddenly much closer to knowing where we’ll be living a couple of months from now. There is a bit of hard in this, but mostly it is very good.
I’ve been playing with Nothing is Wrong myself this week. It’s an interesting practice — challenging, but with flashes of exquisite peace.
Last weekend’s choral performances were phenomenal. Superpowers galore.
An unpleasant conversational topic surfaced again, unexpectedly, leaving me drained and sad. Then, just as suddenly, I found myself reading the perfect balm of a blog post to comfort and inspire me. (Thank you, Hayley Sarah.)
Right now, this minute, I am listening excellent and interesting music that I have never heard before. I need to do this more often. The nourishment of good, new-to-me music is right up there with food, water, sleep, and touch.
More hard than good for me this week, all things considered. Breathing in peace, and sending love.
A pause. A breath. Hello, Friday. Hello, y’all.
What worked: recognizing that there will be time for horses later.
Next time? I’d like to remember to breathe (out as well as in) before I feel self-conscious about being noisy about needing to.
Hard:
* Coming down with a messy cold
* Having to cancel/miss outings
* Feeling down about [w]
* Microsoft Word, seriously?
Good:
* My sweetie was well enough for a lovely birthday dinner.
* Othniel Smith made a vid of Playing Duets with Heisenberg’s Ghost. So cool!
* I am a good editor and caregiver
* The people who are in my life are so much of the awesome
Shabbat shalom, and warm wishes to all y’all.
Catastrophic Scheduling Failure is my favorite one man band.
Havi, I’m super inspired by your practice Not My Bus. I will definitely be playing with it. So many things I perceive as loss or failure are in some way Not My Bus. Thank you, you’re brilliant!
I LOVE Catastrophic Scheduling Failure. The band’s hard to watch live because, well, you know… They tend to show up in the venue, town, country either a few days (or months) ahead of or behind schedule. So their following follows them, literally and with passion. And yes, just one guy.
Ah this week. Lots of Feeling Everything’s Wrong. Not enough Moving. Too Much Rain. And, of course, Hating the Thing. But there *was* significant progress on the Thing and *maybe* it’s not as bad as I think.
I’ve snuck some breaths of Nothing is Really Wrong here and there. They don’t last very long but I’m trying to remember them more often.
Operation Nurse the Platypus is slowly finding its routine. It is trickily seductive in its demands. I need to explore a more hands-off strategy or it will suck every minute of my time. Lots of fun things though and lots of learning.
A lovely weekend to all!
Wow, I am just always saying “I love EVERYTHING HERE.” I am saying that again this week. In particular, yay for
– deleting, deaccessioning and creating museums
– costuming! especially things we would not normally wear
– the Salve of Strut. I’m so glad you mentioned that, because I realized my supply was ALMOST GONE! Running out would be most undesirable.
– graciously receiving: BIG UPS!
– and DANCE DANCE DANCE wheeeeeee!
Saturday! *amnesty dance*
“This bus is not my bus.” Thank you Havi, for reminding me that this exists. I am applying it to the hardest parts of my life, and amazed at the results.
The deadline an editor moved at the last second, the day of, without warning anyone? Not my submission date.
All flights to Bolivia? Not my flight.
The appointment rescheduled at the last minute? Not mine.
Breaths for hard things:
– Drama from across the country at 6 am. Working hard on realizing that THEIR drama is so not MY drama.
– The hardest things came crashing together this week.
– Every year I forget how hard November is, and I fail to take into account the short, grey days, and the very dark nights.
– I have so much stuff around the 6 weeks before Dec. 25.
– Agent M (the other one) is going through hard stuff, and the ripples from that are affecting the entire household. Want to fix; knowing it’s not my responsibility.
– Deep freeze on everything.
Good things!
+ Finished the first part of an editing project and got excellent feedback from a client.
+ Writing, writing writing, despite the stuck!
+ I am finding new and different things to appreciate about this time of year. Like how crisp the wind smells off the ocean, and how much I love wearing scarves.
+Met a version of incoming me and we worked some alchemical magic to thaw the deep freeze. I doubt I’ll ever be fully onboard with the wacky tools I use to deal with my stuff, but they work! And that’s enough.
+Agent M (the gentleman) and I spent quality time together this week.
+Days off! They work.
Happy weekend!
‘ … there is only one signal. And the signal says: “Something is about to be different.” [It tells you to] pay attention so you can feel what is happening, and then you will know what to do and you will already be doing it’
Love this!
Happy weekend to all the chickens!
I know there’s been a lot of stuck when all I feel like doing is escaping and instead I tell myself to go look at Havi’s blog. So here I am. Phew!
The hard from last week:
* contractor hours cut at work because the company didn’t meet their quarterly goals. a breath for feeling insecure.
* big ol’ serving of PMS. a breath for wishing I could change my diet to the way it used to be.
* no yoga. a breath for missing that self-care
* old money stories being triggered. a breath for feeling scared and ANGRY.
* mind stories telling me that I’m in a funk and won’t be able to get out of it. a breath for feeling hopeless and defeated
The good from last week:
* so many smiles at my spiritual gathering. a breath for being surrounded by love!
* outing to the bookstore on my sweetheart’s birthday. a breath for quality time.
* attending my first Buddhist wedding. a breath for beautiful traditions and the most gorgeous sari (and bride!) I’ve ever seen.
* snow! a breath for this beautiful magic that falls from the sky
Superpower I’d like this week: staying in my own business. aka know as: taking care of myself and my happiness and well-being. yes, please.
I also especially appreciated what you said about Museums, Havi. Thank you. <3
Hello, Chicken, it’s been a while.
The Hard:
-Getting reassigned with no advance notice. Twice, on different days, at different work places. This being a pattern, and a thing that often feels like The Worst, Most Stressful Situation Ever. A long, slow breath for that.
-The not-good birthday surprise, and the e-mail that followed.
-Payday was yesterday, but money is still super tight
The Good:
+Practicing gratitude, but not forcing myself on hard days. Giving myself space to find the good in the hard, and not being mad at myself because I was “supposed to” do it daily. This is big progress.
+Water, and all the forms of it in my life, and all the ways that it makes my life better.
+Cuddles! Human and animal.
Tea and blankets for all who want them!
Saturday Evening Checkin
The Hard:
Wondering if I’m at the wrong bus stop.
Lonely.
Still missing someone after so long.
Wondering if my bus will arrive.
The Good:
Some pieces moving forward.
Remembering that when basket weaving, everything seems like it’s all a giant mess for a while and will just spring apart and then all of a sudden it comes together and is a basket and the pieces all fit.
The Good –The old Russian River has been located. There seem to be people watching over her.
Ha Ha! My first VPA. I found out that comfy, cozy rest occurs during the last 15-30 minutes of the Good TV Show. But I can always go back to where I left off in my book.
I also asked for Motion (meaning physical motion), but soon after recognizing this want, I started a timeline. Column XX is the Grand Premiere of the Unnamed Play. I am drawing a Treasure Map, which is now The Quest Treasure Map Game.
That one about Things Turning Out Better Than My Wildest Dreams? I now have a printer that can handle up to 13” x 19” paper so I can create my 12” x 15” scrapbook page backgrounds out of anything. Mua ha ha! It is Much Larger than Depicted, so I am relocating some Iguanas, now.
My second VPA was in invisible ink, but it seems to be working as well as the first one.
What was hard or mysterious?
Hardness around paying bills and dealing with The Dude, but realizing that since the bills that are due are paid, I can deal at a time more convenient to us.
There turned out to be 40 Niggles, counting the Giant Garage Iguana as one. It’s a significant number, but nowhere near 47 million.
What worked?
Everything except paying the bills, and the Dude’s health and job.
Noticing the Things That Don’t Suck and the Iguana-free Zones, enjoying the things that are now full of Good Qualities.
What might I want to try in the future?
Use “Even though” statements to authenticate my feelings.
Post Very Personal Want Ads more often.
Play the Quest Treasure Map Game. Play with the Big Ol’ Printer.
Start preparing now for the Moon of the Big Generosity Deadline.
Send some of my Iguanas to other people’s Iguana research labs and museums.
Thanks, Havi and fellow Chickeneers for all the great ideas. (Can you tell I’m wearing the Salve of Strut?)
Cheers, Chickeneers!