It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
Asking for a very specific type of response.
I find myself navigating these situations, fairly often it seems, where I notice how much I want to have the quality/experience of [SHARING]…
And then I don’t share, because I have a basic understanding of How People Are. People want to meet you with love, and sometimes that love gets lost in the form they choose to deliver it.
For example, telling you what they think you should do vis a vis the thing you are sharing. Or telling you what they did, would do or think they would do in your situation.
It takes a lot of work, for me, to create as much safety as I need. It can also be work to remember: oh right I am being given LOVE, and I can receive LOVE without all the things attached to it.
And it also takes work to formulate a clear, loving explanation of your preferred forms of receiving love.
And yet I always do both of these, because that’s the work of sovereign communication.
I realized recently that I can also ask for a response that fills my need for [FUN], [PLAY] and [PLEASURE], and this response does not necessarily have to be related to the thing that I am sharing:
“Today I looked in the mirror at dance class, and the light/angle were exactly such that I could see exactly how many hairs on my head are bright white.
Twelve.
This is considerably more than the previous number, which was one.
So that was interesting. I am undecided as to how I feel about this so please don’t weigh in, you can however say words you like (Mellifluous! Extravaganza!), and I will interpret this in a positive light.”
And then everyone left the most joyful, wonderful, gorgeous words. I got sharing, companionship and play. They got sharing, companionship and play. And I didn’t have to process my reactions to responses, because my only reaction was WHAT FUN TO HAVE THESE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.
Next time I might…
Wish everyone peacefulness.
Whenever I am in a situation, like the one with the fromagerie next to my metaphorical chocolate shop, I go through all kinds of different stages. And then I end up wishing everyone peacefulness.
Next time I’d like to just start with that. As Fred said: May peacefulness prevail.
Yes. And may that be my automatic response to everything.
A wise thing a dance teacher said this week.
Applicable to everything, so substitute life for “dance”….
“Don’t give up the space you own.”
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- So many monsters. Some familiar ones (time, money, guilt, shame) and a very loud one called You Have Created A Disaster You Will Never Recover From. A breath for patience, presence, perseverance and trust.
- Zero visible progress on the current ops. A breath for navigating my stuff.
- Twisted ankle. A breath for all the fear in that.
- People I love in their stuff. A breath for loving people while they are hurting.
- Where is the time going?!? A breath for worry about “finishing”.
- My business mentor and I finally got to talk about some of the things I want to do, instead of dealing with the ballroom. For the first time since May. A breath for retroactive pain.
- An ordeal of a social engagement that reignited all my stuff about Social Engagements Blech Everything Is Always Wrong, and canceled out the good brunch from last week. Also I discovered a big scary wall that I did not know about. A breath for things you didn’t want to see.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Tomorrow I am taking the day off to do celebratory birthday things for (and with) one of my favorite Agents. A breath for play and surprises.
- So many great dance classes. A breath for discovery and pleasure. And dance.
- I got to be on the receiving end of marvelously clear communication. Yes. A breath for unlikely new beginnings.
- Community. Where I live. Not just online. A breath for how happy I am about this.
- I renamed something, and now I no longer find it distasteful. I might even be kind of excited about it. A breath for transformation.
- Hannukah! Cheery candles. Singing. Latkes with all my favorite Agents. And my wonderful cousin Noah. A breath for my chosen family.
- Genius ideas and breakthroughs still landing from last week’s Rally (Rally!). A breath for doors where you didn’t know there were doors.
- Very excited about a new idea that is very much a tiny sweet thing, and some new secret agent code. A breath for Nothing Is Wrong and for All Timing Is Right Timing.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Many missions this week. The biggest deal was starting Operation A New Trust, and The Many Ships.
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The superpower of Dancing Solves Everything, the superpower of Sure, This Will Double As Clothing, and the superpower of having the Exact Right Shoes For The Job.
And, I am the PROPRIETRESS of a ballroom, dammit.
Superpowers I want.
Same as last week: Everything Is Simple And Pleasurable.
And also: extreme focus.
Salve.
The salve of getting what you need and nothing else. Also known as the salve of glowingly beautiful boundaries.
An example of getting what you need and nothing else:
The ability to extract the sweet kernel-essence of love from an interaction, without taking on the other person’s projections about you or anything that is attached to the love.
Or: feeling the kindness when someone wishes you well, regardless of the words they use to wish it.
When you apply this salve, all interactions reveal qualities, and these qualities can absorb quickly and easily in the exact amount that is right for you.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form, pill form, as a bath, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band via Richard. Very Portland.
Familiar Looking Beard
They are loud and raucous and in the Know (it’s a bar). Though actually I believe they are just one guy…
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow.
This involves, among other things, acquiring the skill of Gracefully Accepting Thanks.
And it is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing, particularly about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are, when things were actually the hardest.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. It all counts. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Cheep, cheep, hello cheeps
Friday is wrapping up here. Let’s revue, remember, recall, release….
Hard shtuff this week included:
* energy in my body blah.
* car and money blah. It’s okay but I don’t like having such narrow margins.
* feeling hurt in the feelings by someone whose opinion I apparently care about having a judgey judgement of what was a simple act of goodwill towards us both by someone else I care about. Why can’t people meet goodwill with goodwill? (Because sometimes we can’t, we have stuff and sometimes we just can’t).
* parenting mostly on my own. It is pretty relentless.
* when you do something that changes your patterns there is a kickback that happens. Remembering that this is normal and okay and doesn’t mean anything is wrong can be tricky.
* feeling my feelings. Research has shown this is the best way to ‘deal with’ my feelings, but actually just going right on and FEELING them is a pretty new practice (as opposed to analysing, judging, avoiding etc). And blimey… there are just SO MANY! All the time! More feelings! Emotional excitability ftw. oh yay. more feelings. my favourite! blah.
* my country’s government. I don’t want to talk about it. I am appalled and disgusted by the policies they are implementing in a hundred different areas. It’s really sickening. And we have another three years to go. Great. They do not represent me. They are not acting in my name.
* exhaaaaaaaaaaaaale. Good bye week. Good bye, good bye, thank you, good bye.
But there was also good shtuff. And the good shtuff included:
* Community *where I live*! Me too! So ace.
* Little Lad has done so remarkably well with his first year at school. I am incredibly grateful. I am always keenly aware of his vulnerability, but there is evidence mounting that with the support and environment we have around him he can do really, really well. Little lad….. <3
* Wondertoddler seems to be unfolding along the lines of the pattern of herself with very little bruising or distortion. Just so much clear, glowing, radiant muchness. <3
* Courage. I can haz it sometimes!!!!
* I appreciate being able to hold space for someone's inner genius to work itself out. Inspiring!
* I am supporting a local small business owner by paying her money to clean my floors and my bathroom which no matter *how much* I berate myself about I never get the energy/time/will/etc together enough in order to do myself. Win:win.
* Blah about car and money and narrow margins and energy is all temporary. There will come a time when there will be plenty and lush. It is coming! Every minute there is blah is a minute closer to lushplenty! (I could hum this idea quite often this week).
* good bye, good shtuff. Thank you thank you thank you.
And a special note of gratitude for the life and work and inspiration and beacon of Nelson Mandela. Vale.
xoxoxo
Oh my. I read your posts on and off for a few months, but never commented before. But this post resonated with what I’m going through right now like never before!
Everything you wrote in the opening paragraphs is almost word for word what I was saying to my friend the other day.
And not sharing when you’re going through the worst, also a big one for me in the recent months. Talking about it when it’s over? Sure. But in the very moment when I’m dealing with crap thoughts and emotions? No way. I’m cool. Fake smile, don’t let them see you when you’re down. Such unnecessary pressure on top of what is already happening.
And then receiving, oh my.
Thank you very much for writing this.
It confirmed to me that these are the things to be working on at this moment.
Lots of love, and have a wonderful day/weekend/week as well!
What worked?
A Care-a-thon. Mandatory caring about everything this week. And guess what? When you care about stuff, it cares back! Instead of ignoring the fact that clients checks were slow and so my office rent was late, I cared about it. I followed up with clients & checked in with my landlady and yesterday all was settled. Then I cared about my bills and they are all getting paid today!
Then I cared about having a successful practice and made some spreadsheets and discovered some things and more clients came in.
I even cared about spending time with the right people and I have plans tonight with one of my favorite people.
Then I cared about the drawer of doom in the office that held all the bad things from 2011, so I took them out, looked at them, saved the 3 pieces of paper that needed to be saved and shredded everything else.
Today I’m going into the office to care about finishing up work before the 23rd so I can take the last 2 weeks off and have enough money to get me smoothly into January.
And I’m going to care about having a real Christmas tree (kitty, be good) and put one up with all my pretty ornaments on it.
Glowing good wishes for everyone.
This is so genius!
sweet kernel-essence of love from an interaction, without taking on the other person’s projections about you
This is so timely. A projection hit me this morning. I’m mulling over how best to deal with the bruise, and how to dodge the next shoe, and what in the relationship makes the shoe-dodging worth it. A deep breath for swimming through seas of defensiveness.
Also hard/challenging/baffling:
2. Sooooo not a kid person. A breath for meeting social obligations.
3. Still wanting to stuff 48 hours into 24 hours. A breath for choosing wisely.
4. Our medical deductible is calendar-based. A breath for income.
5. US Airways disability seating is a joke. (All the more so considering how much time I spent on the phone to arrange it.) A breath for making it through all the legs, so to speak.
6. The “not even nominated” blues. The “not making enough to make things good enough to get nominated” descant. A breath for perspective.
7. Giving away my mom’s cloak. She would have been 70 this Sunday. A breath for complicated memories.
8. Binning Christmas cards from people who dropped out of my life years ago. A breath for moving on.
What has been good/reassuring/enjoyable:
1. Labneh! A breath for delicious, decadent-tasty discoveries.
2. Good coffee. A breath for everyday boosts.
3. Outfoxing an iguana-by-marriage. A breath for solving a Thing.
4. Watching the Sound of Music Live last night. A breath for joyful risk-taking.
4a. (just typed “risk-taking” as “risk-tasking.” a sip for slipping around the keyboard)
5. Metallic binder clips. A breath for beauty in utility.
6. My Pearbudget database answering a question last night. A breath for diligence.
7. I don’t have to go anywhere in today’s freezing rain. A breath for safety.
8. Singing “Climb Ev’ry Mountain” at the top of my lungs as I do housework. A breath for freedom.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Much love and movement in the soft translating to the hard this week. Also lots of building strength, and being a bulwark of support for someone deeeeeeep in her stuff.
If I am in a tunnel, which I suspect I am (investigation ongoing), then that? That’s a light, at the end.
Movement puts a shine on everything. Shine on!
AHHHH CHICKEN
I just want to cry this chicken out. This week was a week of tears — not in a bad way, but in a OHMYGOD INTENSE way. A combination of sad tears, mad tears, existential breakdown tears AS WELL AS gratitude tears, overwhelmed-by-beauty tears, remembering-of-love tears.
The hard:
+ the most painful release. lots and lots and lots of tears every day. A breath for release and tears leaving my body = release.
+ A metaphor but also not: all the achingly gorgeous and abundant bunches of flowers that I left there that are still there, which are no longer mine, which I can no longer enjoy.
+ feeling bored, frustrated, mistreated and misunderstood at work.
+ that whole-body overwhelm-breakdown-tearfest of “LIFE, I JUST CAN’T, OH MY GOD TOO MUCH TOO MUCH”. Unfortunately, it happened more than once.
+ The state of my room… let’s just say it reflects some of my internal rooms.
+
The good
+ The most painful release, the fact that it finally happened, and already it is not even the most painful. I have no idea but Slightly Wiser Me wants to whisper “this timing is the most perfect ever” and I don’t really get it or want to get it but I am allowing it to land anyway.
+ the fact that I am making insane progress in terms of being kind and curious and compassionate with myself through this. And actually? The whole experience had a ridiculous mysterious amount of surprise delight hidden inside.
+ I did not feel the need to seek comfort from [x], [y], or [z] for the first time. Humming to myself was enough. This felt really, really huge.
+ On Wednesday, the vegan food truck dude gave me a radish. On a stick. For funsies. I was so happy.
+ Hah! I wrote about flowers above, with pain. And then I realized that I have my own flowers. Right now, on my work desk. Literal and metaphorical. Just three beautiful gerbera daisies instead of an extravagant overflowing bouquet [which I left]. But comparing flowers’ beauty against each other is like comparing babies’ beauty against each other… Makes no sense. Another thing about flowers? They wilt, pass, and make room for new…
+ I am so incredibly ready for new and I can feel the openings open slowly and winkingly.
+ I went to a poetry writing meetup for the first time, which was huge because I had to process so much Stuff in order to be able to go, and it was completely wonderful and I am going again.
+ Friends who I didn’t know were my friends.
+ Kindness and listening and beer and insane laughter and noodles all happening at the same time.
+ A friend of mine is in crazy miraculous hilarious love and I am unconflictedly so giddy and happy for her. Not because I want what she has but because it reminds me about play and spontaneity and miracles and surprise and the bright sunshininess of chance and how it all has to do with Love.
+ Music. Crazy-gorgeous Christmas music, my fellow musicians, the fact that I am a singer (I am a singer!), consistently the most magical, uplifting thing about life in general and about my life specifically.
+ Sidestepping a whole bunch of painful patterns because I am finally awakening to more advanced levels of Meeting Myself Where I am.
+ This experience of so much pain happening at the same time as so much sacred understanding and previously unseen joy and delight and peace…. so this is what it feels like when my internal kingdom gets richer, deeper, more abundant and resilient and Love-filled. A heck of a breath for that.
+ Breaths. I had to remember them so many times this week and it saved me each and every time.
<3
It’s my Dad’s birthday tomorrow, so I’ll be doing celebratory birthday things too!
Happy birthday to the agent in question!
Havi, I am so glad you’re here and *have* been here for almost 300 Chickens and beyond. Thank you!
One of the things I admire about you is your staywithitness. You have this commitment and dedication to yourself that I see as a self-love.
Professionally, I’ve done so many different things in the last few years — all of which were so right for me at the time. But, there is something so reassuring and comforting about knowing that I can get online no matter what kind of mood I’m in, come here, and find that you and your blog are here.
Last year I lost my 3 websites because they were still hosted on Someone Else’s account and this person stopped paying the bill. (And to acknowledge my part, I obviously procrastinated on calling ze Person about it because I didn’t want to talk to them and go through The Past. Also, see next paragraph.)
*Poof* Just like that, everything was gone. And because I’m not always attentive to things like backing up, well…I hadn’t. So things were even more gone.
But it just so happened that I had recently gotten married and changed my last name. (Take THAT guy-who-scooped-up-my-domain-and-tried-to-sell-it-back-to-me-for-$1500.) I don’t need my stinkin’ maiden name domain anymore!
So, there are many things I’d like to have been more consistent with:
– blogging
– coaching
– teaching
– writing
– creating
– meditating
– self-reflecting
– resting
– renewing
Why haven’t I done them more consistently? Especially professionaly? Mostly because of health issues. Long stays in the hospital types of health issues (at least once a year) and then long roads to recovery even after I emerge from the Rooms with the Robotic Beds.
So there’s grieving. Physical situations have taken me away from what I love to do and prevented me from doing it…and that’s sad even though I don’t like to think about how sad it is. Sometimes it’s good to think about some things. At least long enough to acknowledge them.
So now for work, instead of enjoying a vibrant online community with a blog, newsletter, classes, products, etc. that I had so much fun creating and sharing with others in my little world…I am copy editing a training company’s materials. Just how non-creative is it? I pour over other people’s academic words looking for mistakes. It’s so numbing. Ugh.
Is it paying the bills? For sure. For that I’m super grateful. It’s very steady and wonderful to get a check with my name on it every week.
So the consistency I love. But the topic, I don’t.
Considering: How can I become more consistent with things that light me up? And maybe even reconnect them to my income?
This is what I see you doing, Havi. I see you as being consistent with the things that light you up and make you G L O W.
In times when you’re not feeling glowy and lit up, you notice when you do, and do what you do, and you are committed to You. What are You experiencing? What are You needing? Which Salve would soothe?
Tonight I’m appreciating that. The way you stay with yourself now and the way you’ve modeled that year after year after year for those of us on the other side of the monitor.
Appreciating You. Your consistentcy. Your dedication. Your courage to show up. To share to whatever degree is available to you. To add your perspective, process, and tricks and tools to the world.
I don’t come here super regularly, but every time I do, I feel like I’m entering a world that feels good to me. I leave feeling more hopeful and inspired than I did before I came. I like being able to do that. A lot.
Thank you, Havi. You’re making a difference to this star fish who washed up on the beach.
@Simone: “+ Music…consistently the most magical, uplifting thing about life in general and about my life specifically.” Sooo resonating with that.
@ML: Sparking a welcome for you!
Hooray for Friday night Chicken! Sooooo glad that it’s the weekend.
The Hard:
-Working 10-hour days, and not even getting paid 10 hours’ worth, not to mention things like benefits, or breaks. A breath for hard situations.
-Saying a no, that I absolutely want to say, but that I still have stuff about. A breath for progress.
-Neck pain
-Not ready for the winter weather
The Good:
+A few small things shifted, and now I think I understand one of my possibilities in terms of next steps. So big! [Possibility] makes the 10-hour-a-day work situation feel not as awful, and helps to remind my monsters that it’s still possible that This Is Right.
+The fact that I am even able to think about the “no” with as much self-care as I have is huge. A breath for suddenly seeing how far I’ve come.
+Community *where I live*! Me too too! Also rejoicing in community in places on the internet where I live.
+Flowers, and how they always make things better.
Thank you, dear Panda! <3
I will borrow (like one borrows a candle flame):
Everything Is Simple And Pleasurable. EISAP. Sounds like ASAP but more fun.
Breaths for everyone and their stuff (coming and going).
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Chicken!
Mysteries:
1. An agent I love and admire is developing an illness that changes their personality. So much grief and upset about this.
2. Little progress on my project this week. Feeling stuck and disoriented.
3. Being cold has always caused my internal panic bells to starting ringing, and now that I’ve discovered the reason why, I’m acutely aware of all the reasons “why” as well as the panic.
4. Synchronicity! I struggled this week to find the tiny kernel of love in my interactions with other people. Sometimes, it was really, really hard to focus on the kernel and not the shoe.
5. Discontent. Incongruence. Dissatisfaction. Nothing is in its right place and everything needs changing right! now! (according to my monsters.)
Reassurances:
1. The agent is very happy and positive despite illness, and we had some great times together this week.
2. Not working on my project meant that I got loads done on other things. Fractal flowers.
3. There are remedies for being cold. There are tools for the panic and the “why”. Tea, blankets, hot showers, breathing, music…oh yeah, all the things that help my PTSD…
4. Shifted some patterns by recognizing the kernels of love, and consciously separating my stuff from their stuff. And giving everyone permission to just be human.
5. Flux is the state of the nation right now. Incremental changes leading to bigger things.
Happy weekend lovely Chickeners!
I am imagining delightful stories involving the superpower of Sure, This Will Double As Clothing. Ahahaha. They think it won’t work… but it’s a superpower, so you end up looking Fabulous!
I’d read that comic.
YES. We need someone to illustrate this! 🙂
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Chickening on a peaceful Saturday night…
What worked: Standing my ground. Enjoying my voice.
Next time: I hope I will find a way to make some loving shifts in my daily routines. It’s okay that I don’t know how yet.
Hard stuff: The move is coming up soon. It’s getting real, and I still have mixed feelings and lots of stuff about this. Stuff about money, stuff about loss, stuff about change– and, of course, stuff about stuff.
Good stuff: I unexpectedly found myself doing an improv exercise in front of an audience, which could have been a total nightmare, but in fact I did quite well. Thank you, superpowers!
I am lighting my candle, and sending my love.
What worked this week: Knowing what I wanted to do.
Next time I might: Reward myself more, and more often.
Hard:
– starting to catch another cold
– needing things I can’t have
– deserving a reward and not knowing what to use as a reward
Good/delightful/fun
+ my community — this is where I live! (Yay for so many of us being able to say that!)
+ the Tuesday Talk
+ a small party with friends I haven’t seen in a long time
+ having things to look forward to
+ feeling loved
Love to everyone. Hugs for the hard, yay for the good.
Hello and cluck with Amnesty!
Hanukkah news: the local Sprouts stealth-judaism continues to amuse. the big display of latke mix, gelt, organic applesauce, gelt, nuts, gelt and matzo ball soup mix, but no sign explicitly wishing anyone Happy hanukkah.
what worked this week: trying to stay calm, compasssing.
the suck was intense:
-50 degree plunge on Tuesday, beginning the yearly early-december deep freeze. wheni drove to work on wed, it was -17. today we’ve warmed up to 16 and everybody’s all, wow it’s nice today, sweet!
-Boring existential crisis continues. I have proxied it the OMG WTF BBQ. ” the coals of discontent feed the fuel of transformation” it’s an Investigation taht’s yielded clewds but UGH!
-challenging qyestion by new therapist feels like she chucked an an enormous shoe at my head
-i’m flipping out a LOT lately.
-my hsuband’s car fucking up and how much that becomes my fucking problem
-friday getting devoured byu other people’s crap agAIN!! i spent 6 hours behind the wheel of a car on friday. rage and despair.
-migraines! why the heck not! intense asshettery with my script placed at the doc yesterday with one happening. rage and despair and
-all my stuff, all my monsters and my stuff
the sparkle:
-made a new Compass! I have finally gotten to a place where I can ask for radiance and not having ti feel so unattainable. Yea RADIANCE: Rested Awake Dancing Intgrated Aware Numinous Centered engaged
-i’m writing again
-i’m this close to being able to commit to a much loved want: the Red Rose Rally, or my proxy, My Little Red Corvette. RRrrrr!
That salve was exactly what I needed. How did you know?
The hard this week was the cold and the sludge. Not moving enough. The odd routines that come naturally but aren’t mindful. What worked this week was playing with contentment, accepting the gift of family visiting and the delight in beauty and surprise. Still struggling with trusting that the Platypus is being served, will be served. And still struggling of course with the Thing. But realizing that maybe, just maybe, the Thing will be ok and that nothing is actually wrong.
Happy week to all!