It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
Talking to Incoming Me.
Incoming me said:
How will we know what the wisdom is that comes from bed if we don’t go to bed?
She was right. I went to bed. It was the correct move.
Having a beacon.
I was having trouble writing something that needed to be brief, clear and infused with love.
Then I remembered that I have already written something like that with the comment zen page.
I kept the page open while I worked, and whenever I got stuck I visited.
Oh yeah, here it is: steady, peaceful, warm, sweet communication. I can do this.
This page was my beacon, and I let it show me what could be.
Finding clues in the Chinese Zodiac.
You know how much I like finding clues. I do. So much.
They are everywhere, in a Dick Tracy lunchbox too. So many that I trip over them.
So this week, I let being a Fire Snake be my clue.
I encountered a lot of things that I don’t like, and some other bits I don’t identify with and wish I did.
What if I had the superpowers of a fire snake? That was how I approached this week.
Next time I might…
Avoid January. Or transform it.
This is related to the Holy Days of Havi Bell.
And, in the meantime, I just want to be able to give myself so much permission and legitimacy.
A wise thing a dance teacher said this week.
Student in class: “I’m afraid of falling on my face and looking stupid.”
Jon: “That’s called a styling. If you fall on your face, use it. Work it. Act like that was what you meant to do, that is your take on this move, and you are rocking it. Who knows, you may have just invented a cool move. The Face Fall. You’ll end up teaching it some day.”
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I am giving certain things up this year. Concepts. This is harder than I thought it would be. A breath for letting go of things that need to be let go of.
- So exhausted from last week’s travels to The Mitten. Sleeping through the afternoons and missing out (perception! monster-perception!) on the things that need doing. A breath for this deep need of replenishment and recovery.
- Oh man, I find this time of year to be so incredibly annoying. Our whole culture is set up to pretty much guarantee that we will feel bad about not being “done” and “getting done”. This whole push to create and do and change at a time of year when there is no energy for making that happen. A breath for how much I need to separate from the outside world in order to trust my own creative cycles.
- Big LFPs (Ludicrous Fear Popcorns) about so many things. A breath for that.
- The Agent from the other Agency is going through a hard time and I cannot help and I wish I could. A breath for presence with someone else’s process.
- I am ready to be done with many, many things, and I am exactly at that point where I can see them very clearly. A breath for reaching an edge. It’s powerful, and it is a pain.
- Remember how two weeks ago I had problems with door handles? This week it was me and skinned knees. Not metaphorical ones. Literal ones, over and over again. I am all scraped up and everything hurts. A breath for desiring groundedness and soothing salves.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Wockawocks! I replaced the word problem with wockawock. I also replaced the word bonus with wockawock. I used wockawock as secret agent code for all kinds of words. Wockawocks made everything easier. A breath for creative play and for permission.
- I wrote the thing that I have been Not-Ready-To-Write for the past four months. Well, one of the things. It was big. A breath for movement, glorious movement. And ten billion sparklepoints for me!
- Long luxurious naps that took me (as opposed to me taking them). A breath for the pleasurable aspects of the recovery process.
- Very much delicious food. Richard’s rye bread, fresh from the oven. Brunch at Doug Fir. The exact right pot of tea. A breath for pleasure and the quality of Sustenance.
- I had a wonderful rendezvous with my mentor, and I can feel the ground shifting, in a good way. A breath for being known.
- Dancer me was the happiest this week. So much dancing. Foxtrot. Nightclub two step. Country two step. Hustle. And of course west coast swing. I seriously might be in love with three count hustle. I dream in it now. A breath for movement solving everything, for me.
- I MADE A GIANT PROGRESS! A breath for movement in other forms as well.
- Everything is and is going to be okay. It just is. There were so many small miracles this week, and I know what is true, when I get quiet enough to remember. A breath for knowing and remembering.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
My op this week was the Remember Ship and the Compass of Knowings. Big big big progress, super happy about it, even as the monsters are yelling doom-doom-doom about how it isn’t done yet.
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of just because I am used to worrying as a response to [x] does not mean that this has to be my reaction right now.
Also I am the PROPRIETRESS of a magical ballroom, and I am not worrying about that either.
Superpowers I want.
More of the above.
And also: The power of so much trust it is ridiculous.
Salve.
The salve of so much trust it is ridiculous..
As my uncle Svevo says, the ROI on worry is traditionally extremely low. When this salve comes in contact with your skin, your whole body knows that. You fill up on this KNOWING, that you are held, that things will work out how they work out, and you will be okay, and that there are lots of things you might do (or not do) in this moment, and worrying is not one of them.
Deep steady peacefulness with this salve.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form, pill form, as a bath, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band via Richard:
Preemptive Cheese.
It is obscure thrash metal from Bulgaria, and it is also: just one guy…
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
Big announcement coming soon about my plans/offerings for the new year, I hope by next week. Are you on the list?
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Wockawocks! Perfect. And the salve of Trust. Yes! January, yes. So much ug.
This week of transition of return has been filled with exhaustion and an inability to focus and so much sadness and hard. But the cold is shrinking and I’m reconfiguring to fit the space that is home now. The good was steadiness and safety even though I didn’t always feel it was there, it was.
Worry is a constant, so I think I’ll apply some of the salve.
Happy Friday to all the Chickeneers!
Holy mother of Chicken, is it already Friday? Whooooa…
The Mysterious:
+ Never-ever-ever-ever-ever-ending hard situation that I have gwished for an end to for so, so, so, sooo long. Lots of “why STILL like this” and “you KNOW this says [something bad] about you, right? I mean come on, this is ridiculous, what is WRONG with you” (monster talk). Still not done, still clueless as to how to make it be done.
+ I was feeling vaguely sickly and tired all week. Hangovers that last forever.
+ WHY am I still smoking? Of course, legitimate reasons. But my need for it, as well as my not-really-there desire to quit. But I hate how it makes me feel and what it makes me do. A sigh for this.
The blessed:
+ Perfume, which is a clue.
+ New blondeness, which is definitely a clue.
+ One really hard thing straightened itself out in a ginormous way thanks to the generosity of one person who loves me dearly.
+ My roommate-sister, who is brilliant and hilarious and loves when I cook and with whom I am always sharing clothes.
+ Our dog, who is ridiculously perfect. And! Finally! I have a dog! A breath for angels throwing stuff my way while I’m not paying attention and me not noticing until *after* I’ve gotten what I want.
+ Sarah came over last night and we ate and drank and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. There is a thing that happens when I am with Sarah where I just get accidentally infused with “Everything Is Okay” and I just feel so fucking safe, and then I realize how rare that feeling is and I get angry that this is so. Can I feel the Sarah effect (related: Playground Effect, Fluent Self Effect) more often? OR… gasp, ALL the time? I wish for this.
+ Our apartment is always abundantly warm and I do not take this for granted. WARMTH!
Love to Havi and the other chickeneering mice.
*peeks out from Lurker’s Barrier*
I thought I was the only one who hated themselves for not feeling the fresh new personified organizational frock that is the new year.
A breath for no longer feeling like I have to feel like it.
*goes back to Lurker’s Barrier with fingers in ears sing-songing, “blah blah can’t hear you”
Hello Friday that is not a blizzard!
What Worked:
Signing up for a menu planning service. (cook smarts) I thought it would be just new ideas for dinner, but instead it was like someone came into my closet and took all my unmatching uncomfortable clothes and replaced them with all the perfect outfits I could ever need – but in dinner form. And lunch form with leftovers. Oh how it worked!
Sleep. Of course because it always works.
Culling. Pruning. Lopping off. And then going back to cull more. First with the machete then the scalpel. Getting closer.
What Didn’t Work:
I keep coming across amazing activities too late. They are sold out. Everyone gets to go but me. Sorry. Closed. No admittance. This makes me sad and frustrated and I think “it means something better!” but so far it just means “something better that is also sold out.” I cannot have adventures that involve other people if I keep coming across them too late.
Ha. Right after I wrote this I re-found a thing that I wanted to do last year but was too late. This time I was not too late, got my reservation, and am going! Point taken.
What I Will Try Next Time:
Perseverance. Grit.
Hello, Friday. Hello, y’all. Hello, styling!
What worked? Deep breaths.
Hard, scary, and such:
1. Not satisfied with [r] after multiple takes
2. Chafing
3. Frost heave
4. Mold growing around watering stake
5. Someone tried to steal from us
6. Fighting with adhesives all week, and not always successfully
7. Those “who do you think you’re kidding” monsters sure get noisy. Good God.
8. Craving Cokes and Dr. Peppers.
Good, brimming with awesome, and such:
1. Finding the right input setting.
2. Unexpected greetings.
3. Anticipated ones, too. [grateful nod at DawnRae]
4. Good coffee
5. Mild weather
6. Being able to decline projects that wouldn’t be a good fit with SFM
7. Fitting some studying in
8. The guitarist down the street. Sie has serious chops, and it’s a joy to hear sie practicing.
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
Some things were hard.
The cold that everybody in North America suffered from was hard. The furnace ran for four days straight without stopping, and it got cold in the house. The pain this week was painful. New complications: my left thumb is sprained. Sick days in which I was sick, and sickish days when I kind of felt sick but not sick enough to say I was sick. When it warmed up a bit and the snow started to melt and now the driveway and the porch and the steps are covered with ice, except where they didn’t shovel the snow.
Some things were good.
Heat and light on these cold dark days, comfort food, hot tea, being able to connect with friends and family, worthwhile things to do …
Being able to stay in on Monday; being able to go out on Tuesday. Having resources to get what we needed, including an electric heater so that next time (I hope there isn’t a next time!) it gets that cold in the house, we can keep warmer. Being prepared for losing power, and having it NOT happen. Good food. Time with friends. A really fun class on Wednesday. New warm gloves for me and MrB; I wanted some for Christmas but couldn’t find them. I am blessed.
a breath for Friday!
the suck:
-the Miami situation: ongoing, scary, serious. having to be ready to fly down there at any time.
-not a suck, but leaning in at work: scary and requires sacrifice on my part
-the Big Pink Elephant
-sad today about the Occultist. my guidance on him was alwasy “boundaries”. now this has ended, and i’m sad, but i’m also freaked out by how fast i got in over my head, how qucikly things stopped being in my control, how quickly terrible consequences loomed, so another breath for not keeping my Crown on, and for allowinf msyelf to get pulled along
-things changing so many places. a breath for adaptation
-omg the hell-flight on monday, where our plane was delayed 4 hours so we got home at 1am, and i was still at work the follwoing day at 8ish. breath for hard travel
It was a very challenging week, with a really dire situation in the mix. This is true. what is also true:
-feeling my Foundation thru this all. i did not fall apart or snap at my kids or sink into paralysis. i did my best slef-care and carried on.
-so many wham-booms so far in january, including a big scary reistant-bait caper this morning that was ridiculously successful.
-connecting & reconnecting with beloved sister-women
-the presence of the Orisa and my Allies everywhere
-Guidance, and all the fun ways it comes.
-new writing opportunities, including being offered a chance to edit at a small press. such an amazing opportunity.
-a new online class with someoje i deeply respect, already binging me happiness
-the Joy of Moving
-dharma
-all my current Capers. so mcuh fun here
-nice gifts from past me! tahnk you so much!!
Finding myself resonating so much with your sharing lately, Havi — more than maybe ever before — and I’ve been a lurker on and off for a few years until recently, so I’m especially grateful for that. I find salve in your words and honesty just by being here and sitting still long enough to take it in.
AromatheraPLAY. AromatheraBE. AromatheraSEE. AromatheraFREE. AromatheraWHEEEE!
Deep breaths in and out.
The ugh:
– Feeling fragile.
– Not enough sleep.
– Lunar cramps.
– House clutter.
– Missed day of meditation.
– Realizing how out of shape I am when I had to take breaks walking up the hill to go tubing in the freezing cold.
– A lot of multi-tasking required with with my work.
– Wanting to spend time with Metaphor Mouse and not doing it.
The ahhh…
+ 5 consecutive days of meditation.
+ Marley keeps finding more ways to curl up in my heart. =^..^=
+ Making it up the tubing hill and cheering gleefully on the way down!
+ Massive progress with work and nice notes from appreciative team leader.
+ A lot of time indoors to be warm and comfortable and safe.
+ Invitation to babysit my two favorite little twin 5-year-olds. Paid to have fun and feel nourished on so many levels? Next Wednesday can’t come soon enough!
+ Inner Child essential oil from Young Living. My favorite smell. Maybe ever.
+ Going to have the house to myself in about an hour — so looking forward! <3
Looking forward to seeing what’s coming up from you, Havi!
For the last several years, I’ve delighted in considering December – February a “fallow” period. I rest & self-care as much as I can. I prune away things that didn’t work, some of which go into my meta-compost pile.
I *might* set a theme for the new year (subject to change). 2014’s is Fire Horse, Be Bold.
But… I don’t *go looking for* Big Important Projects. If they want to be born, they know where to find me.
Counter-intuitively, my Winter/Fallow period, done this way, tends to be very creative, but also nourishing and nurturing. Because it’s bottom-up / unconscious / self-organizing, not my ego & conscious mind trying to force anything.
What worked: waiting, and remembering that all things pass.
Next time: I want to give more love to my monsters. Poor babies, they are really scared right now.
Hard: The disorientation and bewilderment of moving house.
Good: Noticing beauty. Making music. Reaching out to give and receive love.
This week’s superpower: not needing anyone else’s approval.
Next week’s superpower: falling deeper in love with myself.
Hello chickens.
Some hard stuff….
* I have developed an emotional allergy to even small exposures to the toxins I lived with and coped with for so many years, wishing and hoping and believing and willing them to detoxify.
* massive allergic reaction to toxicity. *sigh*
* people being upset I can’t cope with toxicity anymore.
* cold turkey on the toxin is not an option. Not an option I’m willing to choose.
* the toxicity never did detox. The landslide has brought me down.
* new impetus to implement nourishment overhaul for me and the kids, especially Little Lad. New hope for improvement, accompanying new guilt for not knowing something before I knew it. String of ducks behind me go quack quack quack. Even though I don’t believe them it still makes me sad. Why do I have such an abiding love for out-of-this-world perfection??
* the treasury runs low on gold in January despite best efforts to avoid this. Hmmm, although far and away much less so than ever before. But… the sweetness of progress is emblandified by love-of-perfection/distortions. This is another [mysterious] thing.
*loooooooooong hand-on-heart sigh for me of all the hard things*
What else is true? (Thank you Leni!)
The good things that were also true….
* well, I’m taking my boundaries seriously now. Razor sharp and crystal clear.
* my standards are high for permission to be in my life! (Actually, they’re probably not that incredibly high, just high compared to where I used to hold them). (Or rather, they’re focusing on the correct qualifications now).
* all the safe spaces I have to fall apart within. I am loved. Including a bear hug from someone I really valued a bear hug from.
* child-free adult interaction time!! Thank you family and friends who live in my actual real close by life!! omg!
* the portal through the globe, the gang of molos, beautiful beings, the floooop, my young correspondent. Oh my godness I love my non-local friends too.
* progress is happening even if it doesn’t feel the way I thought it would. Oh right, because there is no graduating. This is weirdly amusing on some level.
* I have all the important things.
Xoxo
Cheers, Chickeneers!
A breath for how much I need to separate from the outside world in order to trust my own creative cycles.
Oh, I like this. A clue for me.
And what kind of separate is that separate? It maybe doesn’t have to be physically separate (for me). But yes, a kind of de-influencing myself and tuning in to intuition.
Thank you Havi 🙂
(that first line was meant to be a quote obviously…)
I am not on the list. What list? How do I get upon it? I don’t; want to miss big announcings and cool stuff!
Oh sorry, I didn’t link! The list is on the events page…