I have been wanting to do some writing about the realizations I’ve had while working on and through the pain in my arms.
It’s just that I keep getting tangled up around how to start.
It’s hard to draw a map of the healing process when you don’t have arms that work.*
*Also — when you’re me and you get kind of grossed out every time someone uses the phrase “healing process”? It’s even harder.
And it’s hardest of all to explain something like this to people who aren’t familiar and/or comfortable with the idea of doing deep, crazy internal work on their stuff.
This is very hard for me to talk about. But I’m going to try to do it anyway.
Steps.
There are a bazillion threads in any “healing process” (I said it again, I know), so I won’t be talking about all of them. I just want to track the understandings that are helping me interact with my pain and rewrite the patterns that are related to it.
I’ve known from the moment it started that this pain had serious emotional components, and that my body — usually my greatest ally in these matters — just didn’t want to talk about it.
Since I’m used to getting a lot of information from my body, this whole “we’re not talking about it” thing was almost as painful as not being able to use my arms.
Following the thread.
What am I holding on to?
The first thread came out of a conversation with my massage therapist. He described the tension in my arms as being like a desperate grip on something.
As those of you who work with my Procrastination Dissolve-o-matic program know, when you’re working on a pattern, any thread can lead you to the heart of the tangle.
So I decided to start my work with questions about this thread:
- What am I holding on to?
- What am I not letting go of yet?
I took these questions into my next acupuncture session as the intention I would set in my heart.*
* Translation for non-tree hugging hippies: I determined to have these questions in the back of my mind while the needles were doing their work.
The very first needle went right into a heart point. I burst into tears and didn’t stop sobbing for forty-five minutes straight.
The information I received:
- There is a part of me that’s afraid that if I let go of my hurt, pain and anger, I’ll forget about it. This part of me thinks I need to keep my pain with me as a reminder.
- And a new understanding: “I’m allowed to have the memory of experience without having to have the pain of it.”
What am I protecting?
I took the new understanding into an intuitive healing session with Hiro Boga, whose work I can’t recommend highly enough.
She had all sorts of mind blowing insights, but the thing that really rang true for me was this:
My arms were covered with heavy, old, rusted armor — cutting into me and weighing me down.
Of course!
I’ve written so much about the way that something intended to protect us (like fear) can actually have the reverse effect. So much of the work I do is somehow related to deconstructing these false forms of protection and connecting to a deeper place of safety.
So now I had new questions, another thread:
- What am I protecting?
- Can I find protection in a new form that doesn’t involve pain?
I took these questions into my next massage session as my private intention — but even though I had planned to tell Chris what I had learned from working with Hiro, for some reason I didn’t.
But it didn’t matter.
He’d already decided we needed to try something new, so he used a technique that involves tapping stones against each other to create deep vibrations in the muscle tissue.
Closing my eyes and listening to the steady rapping of stone on stone, and feeling the emotional resonance of the pain I’m carrying (yes, clearly carrying), I had a fleeting sensation — almost a memory — that my armor felt cared for. That I had found the right blacksmith. And that this was the sound of something really old and stuck letting go.
Who am I protecting?
The next series of realizations were all about the connections between my pain and my defensiveness.
I started uncovering bits and pieces of a pattern where my urge to defend someone triggers a flood of emotion, which in turn leads to frustration and shame over not having a kinder, gentler way to be protective and caring.
This in turn — combined with a serious hot buttered epiphany following a ten minute Shiva Nata practice — gave me a ton of information about my mechanisms of internal criticism.
And how I’ve traditionally dealt with internal and external criticism. Or not.
I shared some of this with my acupuncturist so that we could work on it together, and here is the realization that came from that session:
- My arms hurt because they yearn to help everyone and know they can’t.
Intellectually, I know it’s not possible to help everyone. I know that it is detrimental for me to even try. But my body isn’t there yet.
I felt deep grief and sadness and helplessness … and then I watched them leave me.
“What got you here won’t get you there.”
This was the next realization, and it actually made me laugh.
It’s the name of a book I reviewed a while back, and though I didn’t like it much, that title is brilliant!
Every illness I’ve ever had has come at a point of transition, and every recovery has launched something new and crazy and exciting. I know that I am on the verge of something big. I can feel it.
And at the same time, I know that all of this clearing out is useful. Obviously I’d be a lot happier if it didn’t hurt so much, but I can feel how important this is.
My sense is that I can only become or access this new thing once I’ve cleared out my old patterns of protection and resistance.
They can’t coexist with this new thing — and yay new thing!
Vulnerability is power.
The next insight came to me in meditation.
My new armor will not be armor — the thing that will protect me the most will be openness. Not hiding.
Ironically, this is also something I’ve written about in the blogging therapy series.
I’m experimenting with different ways to apply the concept in my body and in my work. To use light and space instead of metal and chains. To let my relationship with my weaknesses become my strength.
This is about time.
And then … more sessions.
More meditation. More acupuncture. More massage. More Hiro.
The more work I did on this, the clearer it became that the core of this whole thing is time.
Time and my relationship to it.
My hands hurt when I try to slow down my progress, to keep time from flowing the way it wants to.
My latest understanding is that I can be more generous with giving time to myself. That one of the accidental benefits of this pain has been the amount of time I have given to working through it.
That this work is valuable enough that I cannot just give it my morning meditation and my afternoon yoga. That my priorities around time need some attention.
Okay, a lot of attention. My relationship with time… needs time.
In one of my conversations with Hiro, she told me that the thing I am working on needs more time for gestation and that I can stop pushing so much.
My arms are happy to hear that.
When I learned how to drive, my father would sit next to me, his foot madly pumping an invisible brake. That’s what my arms have been doing. Stretching out, full of tension, trying to slow it all down… and at the same time trying to hold and push things into place.
But this is not the time for that. This is the time to wait and breathe and let things happen at their own speed.
This is where I am right now.
Six weeks of insights. It’s a lot.
I don’t think I need to understand it all or be able to fix it all right now. Every time I learn something useful about my pain, I get that much closer closer to releasing the things that block me.
And every time I release a new piece of stuck, I’m making it easier for my body to get well again.
It’s a matter of time. So time is what I’m working on.
A note about comments:
These posts about my meditations and my talking-to-stucknesses are a way for me to let you to hang out in my process-thing. They are not an invitation to tell me what you think I “should” be doing to work through my stuff. They are a way for me to model one possible version of how someone might interact with their stuck.
You’re more than welcome to leave comments about your reactions and about your own stuff and about whatever else comes to mind. Please remember though that this is a highly personal experience that I’m sharing, and that I’m not looking for advice or how-to-ishness. Thanks.
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Havi,
I’m glad to hear you’re making progress with your arms. It’s good to know that what you’re doing is working. I find that my path frequently leads me along places that I have to backtrack from, but in the end the side trips make me more… umm… me. I have to embrace the mistakes because the flaws are part of what make me unique and relatable.
I know you want to help everybody, but you should realize that just by being you, you’ve helped me, sometimes in ways that I can’t express. Hun, if I were there I’d give you a big old Southern bear hug. You see things differently than I do and by seeing some of them through your eyes I get to find some of the magic in them that I’d forgotten about. Some people you help not by doing, but by being. You’re an incredible be’er!
Instead of “healing process” how about “rebuilding journey”? You’re rebuilding your relationship with your body and journey sounds a lot more fun than process. Hell, make it a cruise with wonderful food, great music and exotic destinations… that way you can let others take care of the details and allow you to enjoy the trip, knowing that when you get back home you’ll have so much more to share with others.
Thanks for being you and tell Stu that I find him stupendously amusing…
Sending happy Havi thoughts your way,
Gilbert (@CrazyOnYou)
What a beautifully brave post. Thanks for sharing it in all its vulnerability Havi.
Reminds me so much of my own struggle with Vitiligo; where the immune system attacks the pigmentation of the skin as if it’s foreign material, leaving ever growing white spots all over my body. It took me years to get what it’s about, then some more to come to terms with how it makes me look and the actual fact that my body sort of tattoos itself.
Anyway, you’ve inspired me to look at some of my currently active patterns more deeply. And take TIME to do that. I’ve also found immense value in a Buddhist teaching and will keep that steering my vessel:
“Whatever is the cause that binds, is the path that liberates.”
Warm wishes to you!
Maarten Elouts last blog post..What we offer up for happiness
I’m experiencing serious cognitive dissonance here.
On the one hand, Havi, you are one of the most in-touch-with-yourself, kind, caring, compassionate people I’ve ever encountered (in the flesh or in bits and bytes). You speak to me in very important ways. (BTW, thank you for that.)
On the other hand, you are one of the worst-offending punners I’ve ever encountered. Your puns (along with those of @jmoriarty) have ruined several keyboards and one screen.
Havi, the Compassionate Punner.
Sigh… ๐
PS: Your willingness to be naked in front of all of us in order to teach is a wonderful gift you have. I am honored to receive such a gift. Thank you.
christys last blog post..Fear Itself
Havi, thanks so much for this post! Reading it led to a bit of introspection into my own experiences of physical pain.
For me, pain exists via fibromyalgia and disintegrating discs in my lower spine. The fibro typically manifests as pain in my shoulders.
After reading your post, I had a few insights.
One: That while I can’t afford the same type of process that you’re experiencing, there is a free acupuncture clinic nearby. Treatment there is fairly impersonal – but when I go, I should set my intentions and then follow up with a meditation period focused on discovering insights, etc.
Two: Having enough “backbone” to handle life has always been a point of pride to me – until about ten years ago when I came to a point where a lifetime of “being strong” through multiple traumas and crises overwhelmed me. I’ve just tapped into the thought/belief, hidden deep within, that I don’t have enough backbone. How amazing to me the realization that this is tied into my spinal degeneration!
Three: I experienced a perfect memory of a much beloved friend telling me years ago that I needed to stop carrying the world on my shoulders! And I realized that I never took her advice…
You’ve given me a wonderful starting point for my own healing, and it’s a precious gift! Thank you!
Havi,
What an incredibly personal process to share with us. I applaud your courage; I can only imagine what it took to post this. I think that when we share this kind of thing, particularly when we are reluctant to, we end up being helped as much as we help others. (For instance, the sentiment What Got You Here Won’t Get You There is exactly what I’ve been looking for to share with someone in my life.)
In any case, I’ve just begun reading your blog and really look forward to more.
Bravo,
Emma
I’m happy to know that you’re on your way to resolving that pain. I also want to thank you, Havi, for sharing your process-thing. Since I’ve discovered you, I’ve been reading through your archives from the first post (I’m more than halfway done!), and such a post helps me put it all together and get a better understanding of many things you’ve talked about. Thank you for explaining things, and also for exemplifying them.
Thank you once again, Havi. Whenever you write about your own process (sorry, can’t think of a better word!), it throws a new light from a whole different angle on my own, letting me see things that were obscure to me before. I only hope you have people who do the same for you!
Anna-Lizas last blog post..Pollyanna and the Blizzard of รขโฌห09, Havi, Shiva, and Twitter
dear dear Havi. Thank you so much for writing this down and putting it up. Thank you for showing me how. I value your generous “help” soooooo much because you don’t tell me. You show me. Thank you. And isn’t it ironic how the realization that you can’t help every single person that wants your help may very well be helping every single person that wants/needs your help? You help me more than you’ll ever know. xo
Heidi Fischbachs last blog post..Grandma & me
I’ve been watching, waiting and sending love while you peeled back the layers of your—I’m trying to figure out what to call it–carpel tunnel? injury? illness?–when it’s really an emotional/energetic/spiritual misalignment manifesting in physical form in order to get your attention–because I’ve been curious to see how you unraveled the threads to the source and what you would discover.
I sympathasize with how much you must be physically hurting and all the adjustments you’ve had to make just to do your everyday stuff. That’s the part that really sucks. The part that’s almost not worth it to get to the discovery of what’s really going on. The good stuff. The juicy stuff that can completely reorder your life and set you on a different course.
I’ve been waiting to see this part–the good stuff– illuminated and knew you, using the processes that you so beautifully teach and model, would get there. It’s a brave post Havi, and a courageous way to live life, bravo!
Ok. No idea why I put HELP in quotes up above. Probably a cutting/pasting thing. OK. And now this is me “worrying” too much. OK bye! xo
Heidi Fischbachs last blog post..Grandma & me
Loved reading about these discoveries. I admire your willingness to truly listen to your pain. Also, your use of the phrase “hot buttered epiphany” just made my day.
Thank you for sharing these insights. It is very interesting to see how these different perspectives and approaches work in the context of a particular issue (like pain). And how the emotional and physical interact.
JoVEs last blog post..What is a doctoral candidate to do?
Hi Sweetie,
Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart and healing process ( a phrase that this old hippy girl has no problems with whatsoever. But then you already knew that!)
I have had the same experience with pain and having crazy all consuming body issues come up when I am in a place of transition and on the verge of a big emotional/psychological/spiritual breakthrough.
So I am eagerly looking forward to what your wild and wacky brain and spirit will be coming up with next.
And the part of me that loves you is very happy to hear that the pain is not quite so intense and that the healing is happening!
Hugs,
Chris
chris zydels last blog post..CATASTROPHES R ( NO LONGER) US
You were so brave, then I will share some “hurt” too. This post has been so helpful as it touches the core problem in my everyday life. I have been developing physical side effects for my armors and fears for a long time.
When I worked as a lawyer, I was constantly sick (on my wedding day too… Went through it with harsh antibiotics) because I was afraid I am hurting people – either by being an “offensive lawyer” or by not being enough of the fierce attorney the others were. (BS)
Now I am afraid that maybe I am not good enough. Not in control of the language. Not talented enough. Not friendly enough.
afraid, afraid, afraid.
Fear plays a center stage role in my life and doesn’t let me rise up and shine. Doesn’t let me do what I love. Doesn’t let me do what I love.
Thanks so much for sharing yours. I’ve shared mine.
Avitals last blog post..Inspiration Prompt – The Founding Power Of Your Thought
Chica, this is deep stuff. I’m just gonna have to read it a few more times, more slowly. But you’re really saying something here. Cool.
Mark W. “Extra Crispy” Schumanns last blog post..MarkWSchumann: @MarkHeartofBiz <mom-in-law still on the edge.> Best wishes and good thoughts.
Wonderful! You are clearly doing “the work” of personaly transformation. I am honored to read some of the details of your experience.
May your healing come in it’s own time, with the least pain and most wholeness possible. May you find new ways of working and serving that allow for your own healing and growth, and happen more automatically and naturally then you thought possible.
Yours,
~Duff
Duffs last blog post..Transformation by Donation
Hey Havi,
well written, as are many of the above comments, I feel very similar, and am presently going thru the same things. Things that have been plaguing me, most of my life.
Finally now, I am beginning to learn to ‘see’ where the troubles originate, and what I need to do to fully release the ‘Stuckified’ bits, that continually keep me from my full potential.
‘Tho, lessons are what we are here, ‘Alive on Earth’ for so I guess there is a rhyme and reason for everything, and it’s all meant to be, for what ever we can learn from it. Here is a post I wrote back in our Down Under Spring, when I finally got some very helpful and clarifying body work help,
http://artnomadix-meg.blogspot.com/2008/09/september-spring-cleaning.html
Recently, the couple involved, sent me an email for an after school ‘Star Club’ for kids, a place to foster self esteem and confidence etc,for kids struggling with peers etc.
I jokingly replied, ” Sign me up for the ‘Astral Star Club for Adults”, and found them waking me up with the birds next morning, , ‘Pushing me’ out of bed and encouraging me to actually get up, don walking shoes and go striding up the hill to rise above the morning mists to greet the new day and start healing myself and letting go of the constrictions I have let restrict my body for too long.
Things are getting better, but I have to watch I don’t aggravate the still ‘slow to heal’ illio-sacral ligament,, but I can sometimes allow myself to dance again without causing too much pain.
There is still quite a bit of ‘History’ to un-earth in my quest for full body release, so that I can enjoy a body without the built-in ‘Locks’ and Muscle Tightness, I have always endured, but at least I know I am working in the right focus of mind.
Thanks for such an enlightening and inspiring post !!! ……Megg
Meggs last blog post..Publicity Makeover Giveaway
Mmmm . . . such wonderful courage to put your healing process out there for all the world to see. I always learn so much from reading about your process. Even after 10 years of doing my own healing work – your ways of healing are always so enlightening to me.
thanks, thanks, thanks you wonderful Soul,
๐
michael
Ms. Havi,
Guy-here-trying-not-to-talk-about-how-to-solve-your-problem-and-give-advice-because-that-is-what-we-[think-we-do]-best.
Thanks for the sofa in your mind. It is not only a good watch, but helpful and educational as well. You’re writing is like PBS-for-the-grey-matter.
It is amazing how (physically) everything is connected in the body – you know, when your back hurts forever . . . until you get new shoes and realize your gait was shoe-induced-just-wrong or how pondering something in your brain or psyche causes an unintended cold. Or how (for me) just deciding to be upbeat – to walk faster, think of positive possibilities, or even give someone the benefit of a doubt – impacts that same psyche.
In my to-date-limited-journey when I try to fix something by putting on a band-aid, I usually end up with a stack of band-aids covering the same injury. I love (and sometimes really don’t like) really seeing the problem under the band-aid. But it is the beginning of my healing.
Thanks again for your posts and for allowing us the front seat.
Dave Thurstons last blog post..PixTht Sunday – Pancakes in the Spring
Havi,
I am so grateful that I found you. Reading about your journey inspires me to take a deeper look at my own fear and even consider having a conversation with it!
There is so much I have not been willing to look at yet. You are helping me to see that I can go much, much deeper when I am ready.
Thanks so much for being vulnerable with us. You rock!
Love you and everything you represent,
Vicki
@Dave: The “sofa in the mind” is the best mental image I’ve had all day. I’m totally going to keep that. May also have to turn your “PBS for the grey matter” into a tagline or something because that is awesome.
@Vicki: Hooray! That’s completely inspiring. I’m glad.
@Gilbert: Thanks for the big ol’ southern bear hug – just when I needed it.
@Avital: That was super interesting to read about how the armor theme is playing out in your life too. I’m glad for the added perspective.
@Cynthia: Wow, huge insight with the backbone thing. What a big thing to realize. I’m right there with you.
Everybody else: I love that you hang out here with me, and I appreciate all of the thoughtful things you share and how kind you are to sit with me as I go through this. So thanks for that. I love reading about whatever everyone else is working on – and find it immensely reassuring that we’re all working on SOMETHING.
I’m going through a similar thing with pain right now. It’s hard to go deep, but it’s so worth it. And I agree; it means that new things are coming.
I wonder: you say that your arms hurt from holding on to the need to help everyone, but it is also stopping you from helping, too. Maybe the pain is protecting you from the need to help? Maybe in some ways it wants you to have a Stu between you and the world so that you have time to work on yourself? Just a thought that popped up while reading…no preaching intended. Good luck with your journey. Just think how wonderful it will be to understand. =)
Ericas last blog post..Same old, same old
Wow! You’ve succeeded in spades with communicating your – (dare I say it?) – healing process! ๐ The last bit you mentioned about Hiro’s advice that what’s growing in you now needing time to gestate really resonated with insights I’ve had about my own stuff.
I’ve always felt that one of the most fun parts of my day were my dreams. I love processes that highlight the “waking dream” quality of life. It’s so exciting and such a privilege to be allowed to observe your “waking dreams”!
Havi,
I am a new reader of your posts, and I wanted to tell you how much I have been enjoying your stories. Thank you for being so vulnerable and open.
Henna
I just came across your excellent blog and website recently and very much appreciate your insight into your healing process – your humor adds a delightful dimension to your writing!!
It is wonderful to see others sharing their experiences with pain, to the benefit of others. So often, in my own process, I feel that pain in simply not acceptable in our culture of “perfect”. In any case, I wrote a series of blog posts(to be found at http://everydayyogini.com/index.php/category/the-path-of-healing/) about my own experience with pain and healing – I am still in the process and will be working with some of the ideas you present here. Thank you!
Everyday Yoginis last blog post..Gatha 2.20.2009
I am a new reader.
Your blog is amazing. I love that you can tell us useful stuff without condescension. Zero condescension. Impressive.
I have been trying to find the first post that talks about your arm pain – does it exist? I want to read it because I’m going through something similar in terms of my body being fragile (my immune system has been very weak for about 1.5 years and it seems to be an emotional thing). I thought that if that post was out there, it would help me. Just like so many other posts of yours I’ve already marked on my Del.i.cious account and emailed to a friend who could highly benefit from them.
Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. For being a person instead of a facade or plastic or a machine.
You are wonderful and are helping us be more wonderful than we already are. It’s all about growth. Growth never stops. And that’s good. We just need to learn how to navigate it, enter Havi!
With love,
An appreciative reader
Such a late comment as I read through the archives…
“my urge to defend someone triggers a flood of emotion, which in turn leads to frustration and shame over not having a kinder, gentler way to be protective and caring”
I’m finding it really hard to put into words my reaction to this comment. Utter recognition. Mental speechlessness. Awe. My eyes pricking with tears.
Thank you. I look forward to reading more about what you did with this.