Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Two hundred and fifty weeks of wishing!
How great is that?
I feel pretty excited about this.
So let’s find out what the two hundred and fiftieth wish is, and I will imagine that this wish is infused with the magic of all past — and future — wishes. It’s an extra good wish to week, because I just decided that it is.
I will also add that this post (and wish) was originally titled The Quietest Tipping Point. However, the phrase “bells and wishes” as opposed to bells and whistles is just too funny and so completely perfect.
What do I want?
Hmmm. It has to do with tipping, in a variety of ways.
It has to do with recovery and transition.
And it has to do with bubbles and bubbling.
And pleasure.
What do I know so far?
Today is my fourth day of a just ridiculously packed crazy-intense dance convention in Bellevue, Washington.
I have been calling this Operation Bell View, because I am here in part to learn about being a better bell, which means seeing all the ways that I already am a bell, as well as seeing all the bells around me.
[Being a bell] = [Glowing my light] = [Being connected to qualities] = [Being deeply beautifully quiet]
Dancing is one of my doors into being a bell, and being a bell is my mission, and so here I am in Bellevue aka Bell View, viewing bells.
If that didn’t make sense, don’t worry about it, and just assume that working on becoming a better dancer is interwoven with the main thing I care about in life.
Anyway. A dance convention is not necessarily the most supportive environment for a highly sensitive person. It’s a lot more human contact than I generally am equipped to deal with, it’s wild hours, and a lot of advanced learning.
I’m so glad I said yes to doing it, and now I need some serious recovery time.
What do I know about recovery time?
Recovery and Gentle Transition after Operation Bell View is the big thing right now. Actually it is part of the mission.
No, actually it is the most important part of the mission.
And this is where I have to pause and thank past-me for setting things up for me of right now.
She found me the perfect hideout: I’m staying with Agent Rosie for two days, where I plan to nap in a dark room and oh, I don’t know, probably just more of that.
And I want to use Tipping as my way into Recovery/Transition, maybe even as my methodology.
What do I know about Tipping?
Tipping is a kind of secret agent code, with two meanings, maybe more.
TIP stands for Trust In Pleasure. It is related to my mision of Self-Treasuring and taking exquisite care of myself.
Tipping means knowing and remembering that taking a long bath with epsom salts and lovely oils is not a waste of my time and it is not “indulgence”, it is trusting that this pleasurable experience is deeply healing, and the more pleasure I allow in, the more healing.
There is also tipping like leaving a tip, and I am noticing that I have some Stuff about this, probably residual pain from my five years of bartending. So I am going to gloss over that for now, and I will remind myself that a tip can also refer to intel: receiving information that is vital to the mission.
Tipping also has to do with the tipping point, a la Malcolm Gladwell, the idea of a moment of critical mass that moves things from potential into kinetic.
Tipping like I’m a little teapot.
This makes me think of this joke that Richard and I have. Whenever one of us is sad, we say oh no Poor Me. And the other one says: “Tip me over and Poor Me out!”
Which is also kind of like potential into kinetic, but it is changing the stagnation of a sad poor-me moment into a silly playful one. This is also like the superpower of bubbles and bubbling.
What do I know about bubbles and bubbling?
Haha, I asked this question last week:
Bubbles and bubbling are an important part of recovery and transition because they change the mood.
Blowing bubbles makes everything lighter. You can’t stay in a bad mood while blowing bubbles, I have tried.
Also bubbles in bubble baths.
Also bubbles like bubbling over with joy, which is how I feel when I dance.
And bubbles like Effervescence, the salve and superpower of the month of April on the Fluent Self calendar of Salves. Effervescence means, to me: everything gets lighter, in both senses of that word.
More lightness. More light.
The same thing that happens when I view the bells / when I am a bell.
What else do I know about my wish?
I just want peace and quiet, lots and lots of delicious peace and quiet.
I want to remember that sometimes doing a thing I want requires this kind of deep recovery.
And who knows, maybe lots of things require this kind of deep recovery. Maybe everything.
Maybe this is how I need to exit every mission in order to better enter the next one.
What will help me with my wish?
Not scheduling anything this week.
Crying as much as I need to cry. All forms of release are valid.
Permission and legitimacy. Amnesty.
Anything else? Where do I want to start?
Interviewing Incoming me. Skipping as many stones as possible. Writing and Righting. Xs and Ys. Beautiful dances. To be wonderfully surprised. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
My compass for these wishes:
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Connection. Anchoring. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: Recovery Recovery Recovery.
Clues?
I was watching this television show and someone said that [X] was a waste of time. The other guy said, “It is until it isn’t.”
In this case, X was a stakeout, and this was correct. So. What if other things I tend to think are a waste of time (like pleasure, for example) are actually important missions that haven’t yielded their treasure yet?
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka bubbles and bubbling…
As you can tell, I have been thinking a lot about bubbles. I’m going to silent retreat on this for now, other than to say that the castle is definitely coming down, and I am looking forward to learning about what beautiful things will arrive in its place. Or their places, I should say, since there are several castles involved.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
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Love for this beautiful wish.
Which is also code for my wish this week, which is a beautiful wish because it is about beauty, and also it’s beautiful because me wishing about beauty is Totally Not Allowed according to the internalized Book of Bullshit, and it’s always a beautiful thing when someone–yes, even if that someone is me!–reaches out and becomes receptive to new paradigms.
Love for *this* beautiful wish. I may not be ready to glow love for it, so I say it a third time to make it an incantation, a reminder that there is love for it elsewhere in the world, and that there’s a future version of me who can embody it:
Love for this beautiful-wish.
These are beautiful wishes! It is until it isn’t – this resonated with me and I am thinking on it.
Last week I wanted to let go. So last night I let go of thinking “I want to be home by 9” and “Those are new people so I do not like them” and I ended up dancing to the best band until 1am. So in addition to letting go I also said yes, which was very smart.
I also discovered that the new people like me. And they didn’t want me to go home and so they drove me to the places so I wouldn’t have to drive. I don’t know why it surprises me when people like me but it is really once of the nicest feelings in the whole world.
So this week I will continue to let go and say yes.
What beautiful wishes!
On the Friday Chicken I wrote “Next week I want to set up something to look forward to. I need hope, excitement, pleasure.” That is my wish.
Qualities of the wish: hope, excitement, pleasure, anticipation, fun, joy, play, laughter, release, fulfillment.
And I’m liking the idea of Deep Recovery. So much to recover from!
Qualities of deep recovery: relaxation, body motion, release, love, provision, sustenance, nurturing, support. And more. More qualities, and more as a quality.
What will help me with my wishes? Skipping stones. Taking time. Reading, noting the notes, talking to nuestra amiga Linda. Not waiting: act now. Remember the Word of the Year. Asking questions: Who do I know that is playful? What do I know about play and playing and playfulness?
What beautiful wishes!
I have three wishes!
1. Currently I’m something like obsessed, maybe even possessed, by the process of changing my yard. Last night I couldn’t work on it and I spent two hours just staring out the window at it. Today I shovelled for seven hours straight (well, half shoveling, half lying in the dirt catching my breath) and it was the absolute best.
Not only are the yard changes themselves good, but this “getting deeply involved in the things I care about” thing is my current mission, so yard obsession is a very good thing.
And for my monsters it is a hard thing. To want something so much. To feel uncertain of my ability to obtain particular results (like, say, plants living.) To be a beginner and yet so committed. To put time and energy and money into something I love so much. Very hard for them.
So I’m wanting ease for us, for me and my monsters. Hours upon hours to work. Sweet discoveries. For the next step to be revealed after this one. And the most beautiful raingarden.
2. Not sleeping for a year and a half because you have a baby who doesn’t sleep is a hard, hard thing.
And while she still doesn’t seem particularly inclined to sleep (really at all, but especially for more than a few hours at a time), I/we are instituting some changes so that I get to sleep and she gets middle of the night attention from someone who is not me and therefore not ten miles past the end of her rope.
The changes are scary! They might not help enough. They might help too much!
Once again, ease for my monsters and for me about this. Receiving is not easy. We get to learn slowly.
(Oooo, I think the first thing I want is some time to talk to a particular resistance. Glad I figured that out.)
3. Related to the above, in two weeks I am going on a [something.] An undercover mission, I suppose. Two days by myself to write and eat and sleep and wander.
This is the beauty of an otherwise painful breakdown – now I get to go on a [something] in two weeks instead of in the fall sometime. Maybe I also get to do it in the fall. For more than two days? I don’t know. Bonus wish for a week this fall.
So I’m wishing, once again, for ease. Easy logistics. Easy weekend of visitors beforehand. Ease and peace and rest and renewal. Quiet in my head. These things, please.
Blowing bubbles for everyone’s wishes!
(Oh, and last time I played in a public sort of way here, I wanted to make a transition in a new way. I totally did! It still wasn’t a particularly fun pattern, but it was a completely new pattern, and I’m really glad about that. I also found more safety than I’d feared/expected.)
Ohh I think my monsters know your monsters. My monsters do not like me wanting things. At all.
(Love to you, and to the monsters, and to your wishes.)
Love for all these beautiful wishes <3
-I want to enjoy my red hair
-I want to take the best possible care/get the most rest I can this week
-Congruence, and aligning with what I want, and permission to let go of things that don't align with that anymore
-More time with me
-The return of Joy, and Joyful Movement
-Remember Remember (It's OK to Forget)
-a just-rightly-timed trip to Avalon
-refreshing my walls
-Read a book, and be OK with changing my mind about which one as many time as I need
-Honoring how much Comfort and Support I need
What beautiful wishes. They remind me of a big bouquet of flowers, jewel-toned, each one different yet delightful together. A bouquet of fractal flowers.
Into the pot…
* covers
* padding
* filler
* faith
What might help out the bartender at the monster jamboree?
* a boss who’s forgiving of inventory miscalculations
* installing window screens
* a budget for fresh paint and trim
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Update:I may have already mentioned this, but just in case I haven’t, the Loosest End is now secure. This makes the place we moved into three and a half months ago feel a little more like home.
Which brings me to my gwish: I want it to feel a *lot* more like home.
I want unpacking to continue, and I want it to be *fun*. I want us to walk through the door at the end of the day and feel ourselves relax. I want us to sleep well here. I want us to have a home, and since here is where we are, I want our home to be here.
Ohhhhh, what a beautiful wish. <3
Oh, that is a beautiful wish!
I have three things that are kind of Heavy and “have to” get done by Friday evening. These are not deadlines or homework, but rather now the Projectiles of Three, which means I get to throw them in the air, let them fly of their own volition and then catch them one at a time. And what’s beautiful about these wish of wanting to complete these things in the midst of Everything Else is the fact I can be on my Quest at the same time. The Quest(ion) is Super Duper Important to Everything, no matter what the Monsters say. The Quest includes my gratitude lists, my disguises, & even watching a movie tonight with my Raven. Quests make Projectiles fly more smoothly. Suffice to say, my wish for Ease in all things, because Everything is Well and in all things it shall Be Well.
Beautiful wishes, all of them. *love to the wishes and to the wishers and to the wishees*
I am wishing that phase 2 of Operation Safe House will commence happily and looking-forwardly.
Operation TUWI: I have ridden the wave and claimed the mermaid treasure, and now I am wishing for a safe journey through the underwater kingdom. I have met another wave that I need to ride, but I think I was expecting to do that. I am wishing that I will trust my mermaids to lead me through this, and on to the really scary part, that I can’t even think about yet, that I have no idea how to start. Trusting that the mermaids know how to deal with this even though they live in the sea and I live on the land.
*wish wish*
I have invested in the Monster Manual. And red lipstick! I think red lipstick may possibly help with absolutely everything.
INTO THE JAR
+Karaoke en Gazebo
+Awesome Test Run, everyone is satisfied with the result, may it be so
+Disney Cruise Cluehunt
+Costume Party!
+Dreamcatcher Music, mmmmm
+A River Runs Through It
+Beam Beam Beam
+Dynamooooooo
+shift+P into shift+W without losing P
+E of an E
+Enough T R E & K 😉 😉
POOF!!!!
POOF! May it be so! I love these wishes.
I want to wish a wish about the Farm Sanctuary (still a metaphor!)
I drove up there a couple of weeks ago to interview and in my little rented SMART car it felt like an Adventure (an Op even!).
My morning there was one of the loveliest I’ve spent anywhere in a long time because everyone who was there was so happy to be there and felt so good about their work–which felt more like play. I just wanted to bask in it and never leave. It took everything I had to drive away and go back to my current ranch hand job.
And my thinking mind wants to rush ahead and speculate about whether I’ll get an offer and what it will mean about me if I don’t (according to the monsters) and whether I’d really want the job anyhow–as it is a significant pay cut and would be more office work than cool stuff like farm tours or interacting with the critters.
But I have tried to slow down and go into my heart in that moment of bittersweet longing and say: Oh what a beautiful wish.
I’m still investigating the qualities inside of this wish but I think they might be something like:
feeling safe and valued as myself in a work environment
feeling in community with people and supporting their freedom and creativity but not being in charge of them or controlling them
Wanted this week:
Restful space between the Food and Housecleaning Busyness for the Something Less than Pleasant on Saturday.
Maybe the Third Option on Saturday – Not A or B (I typed Be. A Clue!) but A and B?
Maybe Not Carrying so much of the Stuff about the Less Than Pleasant Event? Oh, yeah, a lot of this is about Past Events, and a lot is Fretwork. And I Do Not have to Carry Any of This!! Especially for the rest of the day and the next three. So, where am I going to drop All That Stuff where it won’t get in anybody’s way. Sun or black hole? Sun. Turns it into crispy energy. Who knows what happens in a black hole.
Things are going to be as clean as they will be and as secure as they will be. I Have the Power to Say No because it is Totally Within My Boundaries. Sparkle points now, and every time I think about it for doing the Something Less than Pleasant.
Relief from mouth problems! Doing Things That Help inside with L, outside with MI and in my ear with RA.
All That Stuff got in the way of noticing that today is The Dude’s birthday and I want a Beautiful One for him.
Wants for the Quest:
To be valuable, or provide value in retirement.
To feel as suited to retirement as I am to working…if not more so.
The hard, I took a stance today on an incredibly controversial and thorny issue, after hiding from it for three years, despite also working with people around it. I wish to be understood as it is meant. I wish for communication. I wish for community which engages and acts and grows together.
The hard is walking away. The hard is figuring out how to get my body to stop being angry about years of stress and trauma. Wishing to be able to talk about it in ways which release for me and help others. Wrestling with judgement, while re-re-re-learning not to judge.
Wishing to build more simple systems that work. Wishing to have more people understand how to treat each other well. Wishing for other superheroes to build things with. Without judgment about things which are not yet or may never be.
Aplauding your self care across a multiday dance event. Wishing for more spaces like this, and more facilitators like you. Thank you, Havi!
May it be so!