It is SATURDAY and we are here.
Sometimes a Friday lasts a little bit longer, and sometimes a Chicken happens when it happens….
So here we are.
{a breath for Friday, and for being here right now}
What worked this week?
Setting things up in advance.
Or really, following instincts.
It was Rally O this week, and early Tuesday morning I was at the Playground taking care of something when I heard a clear instruction to get everything ready for Rally. “Why now?”, I asked. “Rally doesn’t start for eight more hours.”
But there it was, a clear instruction. So I followed it.
Then in the afternoon, I urgently needed a nap. I set a bell but I didn’t hear it because of the fan, waking up just in time to get to Rally. But I didn’t need to do anything once I got there, because Tuesday-morning me had already made a thermos of tea, filled the water jug, set out the candles, picked stone skipping stones, turned on the fairy lights and made everything pretty.
Or: Right now I am entering Operation Detwah, which takes place in Detroit of course, which means I had to get to Detroit. But there wasn’t time to get ready for it because of Rally. Tuesday-me did all the Provisioning (it’s secret code for “packing”), and then I didn’t have to worry about it.
Next time I might…
Say thank you.
This week it was easy to see the hard, and hard to see the ease.
But really, there are lots of things that are happening with grace and ease, miracles everywhere, small moments of beauty, endless reasons to say thank you, to delight in life and aliveness even when things are so hard.
Everything gets better when I say thank you. And it’s hard to remember to say thank you if I don’t pause long enough to get quiet and remember. To get quiet and hear truth. Hear truth and say thank you.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- So much W (worry) about so many different situations. So many people in the hospital, so many mysterious health emergencies, so many people I love in so many different kinds of (physical and emotional) pain. A breath for being filled with love, glowing ease, wishing everyone well.
- The Unbearable Missing, now at the three and a half week mark, still hurts. Differently, and it still hurts. A breath for believing in time: this will pass, and I will say thank you, so I might as well say it now. Thank you.
- I do not wish to add to the voices that have said things along the lines of “I get that #YesAllWomen is important but…” No. It is beyond important, and there is no BUT. I am just noticing, again and again, how hard it is for me to read the (shared) experiences of my fellow women, and live that pain again, mine and theirs, not to mention the additional pain arising with each ignorant or trollling response. It is astonishing to me how many people I know in real life felt the need to deflect, diminish and discount the vulnerable stories that are hard enough to share as it is. I actually noticed at one point that my whole body was hurting, and it gradually became clear that I’d inadvertently plugged in to the energy of this swelling of shared experiences, the energy of All Pain Of All Women, which is not only too much to bear, it is not mine to carry. I had to do a healing and then stay offline for a while. So important, so important, and: I have to be very careful and very clear so that I don’t revert to the pattern of reliving everyone else’s trauma. A breath for safe space, and for breathing love and peacefulness into the world.
- I deeply, deeply, deeply need two weeks off. Or in. Or something. And I have no idea when/how this could happen. A breath for needing an opening and not seeing the door.
- Street harassment, the usual, the fact that it is the usual. A breath for this world we live in, and for hope.
- A mission I’m not looking forward to. A breath for making peace with this, and finding the treasure.
- Feeling overwhelmed, tired, conflicted, wary. A breath for all feelings are legitimate, temporary, understandable, and also not the whole truth of life.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- After several months of working with my current theme/project/mission of What If I Could Treasure Myself, and getting to know the Incoming Me who can do this, I was able to experience an entire hour of what it is like to have the superpowers of Wildly Confident and Of Course I Treasure Myself. I am remembering eight years ago when I was working with “What if I could approve of myself, what would that be like?”, and how far off and impossible it seemed. Now it’s a given. One day this will be too. A breath for joyful forward movement.
- I was able to clearly and easily indicate during dances when people were doing things that hurt my shoulder, and no one was a jerk about it. A breath for advocating for myself.
- Remember a few months ago when I was feeling so anxious about Operation Bell View? Not only did that turn out to be the best op ever, but this week all kinds of additional treasure from that op suddenly revealed itself. A breath for past seeds, and me who seeded them, and appreciating everything that is still invisible and under the surface.
- I had an overwhelming impossible-seeming op this week that involved climbing a scary ladder, and also carrying the ladder up and down a flight of stairs. And then I didn’t have to do it because Aaron was in town and he did it for me. A breath for good fortune and right timing.
- So #YesAllWomen happened, and this is the public acknowledgment I have been waiting for my entire life, or at least, since I was a teenager and suddenly became aware that 1) harassment, vulnerability, being perceived and treated as prey, and being put in exquisitely uncomfortable situations was to be a part of my daily reality for the rest of my life, 2) no one talks about this and you don’t get to talk about it and if you do you are silenced, so keep it to whispered warnings between women and shared hugs/tears because for some inexplicable reason we aren’t allowed to share these things even though we have to live with them. Holy shit, you guys. EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT THE THING WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT. So many times in my life I have wondered: Okay so this happens to all of us, why are we not marching in the streets, why are we not raging and grieving in collective outrage, why is no one talking about it? And now we are. It feels like a miracle. Even though it is sad, hard, scary. Even though there is so much pushback. Even though all these people still don’t believe or understand what it is like. Even though there are still so many stories I have never shared and still do not feel comfortable sharing. Just the fact that everyone is finally talking about this awful aspect of my daily life, something that has impossibly, inexplicably been swept under the collective rugs throughout history, it is amazing. A breath for seeing something I didn’t think would ever come.
- Dancing west coast swing all weekend long! Friday night fusion! Fourth Saturday swing! Sunday night lesson and social! Also, and this is new and fun, so many people said lovely things about how much they love dancing with me. I can feel certain moves getting better. I can feel how much fun I’m having. A breath for delight in life.
- I WON THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD. From a raffle I’d entered (and promptly forgotten about) during Operation Bell View, thinking there was no way it would ever happen. In fact, I had the opportunity to enter it again and didn’t even bother, because what’s the point. But I won! And now I get to go to the most amazing dance convention ever this summer because they are holding my ticket at the door!
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Nothing is wrong. Remembering this is my life work and I am doing it. Richard was gone all week and I missed his company, and now he is back! Okay, so now I’m gone again, but it was so wonderful to see him. Everything is healing. Roses everywhere. Hi, Casey. Brunch with Rosie, Riv and Marisa. Sea shanties at Rally (Rally!). So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
This was another big week for ops! I had a list of 23 missions that I whittled down to 4. Operation Cape Egrets is ready! Operation Detwah is happening! I am ready to announce the Righting Retreat. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of trusting the process.
Superpowers I want.
The power of All The Right Openings Reveal Themselves.
Salve. The Salve of 8 Miles In A Single Step.
This is from this week’s Wish, which involved the superpower of I Walk Eight Miles In A Single Step, If I Want To, with all other implied forms of this activated as well:
Each seemingly small thing I do goes deep, covers lots of ground, brings me closer, heals old hurts.
It is a salve of fractal flowers and a salve of trust.
When you rub this salve into your skin, you begin to feel calmer, steadier, you remember that you are powerful, that actions have symbolic meaning, that clearing away one thing means more clarity. It is a salve of domino effects. Of tiny actions having big results.
A little effort, a lot of movement.
This salve is a healing for guilt and urgency, it reminds your cells of the bigger picture. All timing is right timing. Nothing is wrong. The small steps are meaningful, intentional, have bigger results than you think.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is from Casey and it’s called Who Plays Music In Houses?, and they play Irish music, in houses. They’re basically a house party jam band. It’s confusing. I bet you can’t imagine an Irish band that is just one guy, but guess what: it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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oh thank the gawds it’s friday.
Havi, thank you from the core of my heart, for what you said about YesAllWomen. for years, decades now, my sister-women and i have been talking about this, how hard it is and how unplesant and how we juts arent allowed to discuss it, at times not even among ourselves. But it was so hard this week, more hurt thrown around by violent misogyny, is there any debate any more that misogyny is toxic and lethal? Then why are even the men i regard as allies pushing back? Ugh. Thank you for acknowledging, these conversations are CENTUrIES overdue, and no less difficult this time than any other time.
the Suck:
-veing tired, low energy and not sober. all the time.
-saturday nite, where my husband turned a pleasant dinner with friends into Leni’s Celebrity Roast, with your host Drunken Hostile Husband. Round the same moment that the asshole in california was gearing up for his rampage, my husband, his dad and his buddy spent 3 hours mocking, teasing and making fun of me, my weight, my driving, my cooking, my parenting, my Masters thesis, my age, my face, my low wages, he used and encouraged my daighter to use the word “retard”
-in the middle of the night after this, the same man woke me up so i could him deal with a disgusting emergency that was all his, but he could not face it alone. no indeed, something this gross and unpleasant happens, by all means WAKE ME UP so I can help
-when i called him on the above, i got the hurt ‘i was only joking’ face and was thereby treated to 3 DAYS of the silent treatment and the cold shoulder.
-despite all my help and urging, my oldest barely passing 7th grade. wtf am i supposed to, short of locking her up with a tutor all summer? a breath for fail fail fail.
-i was escaping into a beloved fantasy, and had decided to cross the Rubicon, because after all, if this is what my real life is showing me, i need to take cae of myself. and then that pretty il bubble burst and i fell back to the ground.
-all the pain of YesAllWomen, and all the constant barrage of violence against the weak, and not wantting to share my story but having plenty tp share, and even the men i love pushing back. except not my dad, my dad is a mensch.
-yongest kid being a raving demanding lil brat who is now hitting me when she doesnt get her way. Now is Not Then, but NO ONE fucking hits me, kid. I had to leave the room and tell her dad, You need to deal because REASONS. Shaking with anger, terror and JUST enough self control not to retaliate.
-tears
-everythign i suck at.
-money dearth crap
the good:
-realizing FEAR is false evidence appearing real, and slef-talk and amnesty all the way through
-admitting that the HotSpirngs Adeventure was causing me more anxiety than joy, and then talkign thru ti it became an Adventure again.
-thinking i had missed my window for the show at DAM, but I have a window!!! An artist date! Mine all mine!!!
-being panicked about the 3Rs and then relaxing and knowing this will be what it needs to be, and be okay.
-my altar-sister taking me out for pedis and lunch the day after the Celebrity Roast. Cobalt toes and a pile of decsdent small plates, with a gift cerificate! free lunch and cheap pedis! I never did such a thing and omg it was awesome.
{{{Leni}}}
Thanks Karen! so sweet!
A deep breath for womankind’s hurt and rage and fear. I had completely missed that anything was going on, because I’m currently living under a rock.
From what I gather, that was probably the right place for me to be. Good.
Things I didn’t enjoy this week:
So last week I mentioned that My Friends Let Me Down and Why Do I Get Nothing and Why Like This. These monsters are still keeping me company. Still hurt. Still angry. Not ready to negotiate.
Dirt. With one thing and another, I’m spending a lot of time at R’s place, and although it’s better than the semi-squat he lived in when I met him, the standard of hygene is still lower than I am comfortable with. In some ways, the squat was actually better. It’s not R, it’s his housemate, who has a ton of problems heavier than the fact the bathroom smells and there are dishes in the sink, I know, but still. I had a bad dream about a bug-infestation. This is eating at me.
Sleeping in R’s bed. My back has a new song. It goes like this: “Ow.” And yoga isn’t happening. Why is yoga not happening?
Things I did enjoy this week:
Having ladytimes that weren’t too bad. Also, giving myself space to be as cranky, crampy and generally put out as I needed to be. So much better than how I usually do things!
Making things! Out of wood! And paper! Having things I wanted exactly how I wanted them because I made them that way! My hands making my vision real and it’s better that I imagined! Whoohoo! I want to make everything I ever own from now on!
Getting soaking wet in the lovely rain.
I am so very ready for the next chapter. It’s starting. I can hear it in the distance.
You can hear it in the distance, but perhaps you will travel (or it is travelling to you?) at eight miles per step. <3
“Having things I wanted exactly how I wanted them because I made them that way! ” Mmmmmm!
Wow! Admiring your mission-whittling style. And playing along. And wondering why it took me so long to follow your lead on this? I don’t know because Missions! and Ops! Everything is so much more fun this way.
Excited to hear about Righting Retreat <3
I love this salve!
Friday, you are here. Hello!
The Strange:
A 4 page letter from someone about what a bad friend I am and all the wrongs I have committed against them for the last 6 months. If the wrongs were not wanting to be friends with her anymore, then yes, I did that. A breath for letting go, staying gone, and having strong boundaries. And a breath for a person who is clearly hurting.
A message from The Man. So random, and probably unnecessary. But there it was, and like a drunk with a bottle in front of her I thought “what is wrong with a tiny sip?” and I responded. Even though last time I took a tiny sip I woke up on the floor of a gas station bathroom with a needle in my arm. That is a metaphor. A breath for loving someone anyway. And for boundaries. And for wondering whether it is a slow moving train I can step out of the way of, or an ocean that looks so inviting that I’ve stuck my foot in again, but has an undertow and a warning sign and a lifeguard looking at me like “lady, that was dumb.”
The Lovely:
2 plans with friends this weekend.
Leaving lots of things behind in May.
Found the right detective for the office mystery and she has things rolling along.
Ohmygod me too on the “what’s wrong with a tiny sip” thing, I did that this week.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
One day this week I took 3 naps. It was a regular day and I felt fine, I just let myself nap whenever I wanted. AMAZING!
I wrote TRUST on my whiteboard at work and it made all projects easier. Stuck on something? Meh – no big deal – just trust that it will resolve. AND IT ALL DID.
And instead of viewing all of my project through a lens of Doom and Woe, I tried viewing them from a standpoint of Experiencing Overwhelming Delight. HOLY COW THAT WAS FUN.
!!!!!!! YES!
Holy cow!
Oh, the Salve! Yes, yes, yes!
Some hard things from the week:
Stuff I thought we were done with reappearing.
Pain. Why is my body so fragile?
A friend insisting that her point of view is correct and any other perspective is not worth paying attention to.
Needing help with some things and help is not to be found; having help available for other things and not using it.
Some good things:
Things that I seeded in the past are appearing, some already bearing fruit.
Fruit.
Teaching on Friday; that class was pure delight.
Figuring out some stuff, on the Floop and in my personal journal.
Hello, chicken, and hello, Chickeneers!
I had a weekend that was really amazingly good, and at the same time it was relentless, to the point that now I can’t even remember the rest of the week. I think it must have been pretty okay.
Right now, I think I just want to flop down on the virtual floor of this blog, and slide into shavasana, with all of you here to keep me company. So I’m doing that.
********
Yes, this, much: “…easy to see the hard, and hard to see the ease…”
Recognizing the truth of this, over and over and over, and how to turn it around: “Do one job at a time” and “Keep your Deciding and your Doing separate”.
Happy Dancing for Closing *actually happening* (finally) (with enough time for the Clearing and the Packing and the Moving to ALL happen)!
Thank you, Havi!
Bright Blessings, all ~