It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
It is the 312th Chicken in a row. I am back from the Vicarage and really happy to be here. I missed you guys.
What worked this week?
AIR mode.
This has been the most challenging transition back of my four trips to the Vicarage.
That’s not a bad thing. It’s more a function of how powerful this experience was. And it also has to do with not being in a relationship or having a lover: normally when I return I feel a deep aversion to being online, but I bypass that to be connected to someone I want to be close to.
This time there was no reason not to just stay in airplane mode all the time. The AIR stands for Access Internal Resonance.
I let myself be in AIR about 98% of the time, only surfacing when I needed to find out when a bus was arriving. I kept internet off on my computer unless I needed to check something or post something, and then I set a ten minute timer. It was blissful.
Not only did I spend the vast majority of my week in AIR mode, accessing internal resonance, I actually forgot my phone on numerous occasions, including brunch with Max and lunch with Agent Prairie Blue. Forgot it! The thing that holds my bus pass and my schedule. Just forgot it existed. I am delighted about this.
Next time I might…
Schedule emptiness.
I vastly overestimated what I would be capable of doing post-Vicarage.
Explore new ways to reconnect.
Haven’t figured this one out yet.
I am finding being online unbearably overwhelming, so I am trying to avoid The Channels, and yet The Channels are how I connect with people I like, and also I need to be online for my job, and to stay on top of what is happening in the dance world.
So I’m hoping some sort of beautiful solution for this can reveal itself. I already do postcards, so it isn’t that. Anyway, not looking for suggestions, just planting the wish.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Being back is hard. I don’t know if that’s accurate. It’s different. I’m adjusting. A breath for transition and adjustment.
- Monsters who say if I do what I want, I will become The Crazy Lady that everyone avoids. It sounds very reasonable when they say it. A breath for that.
- I inquired into a thing I wanted, and got a no. Now is not the time even though I wanted it to be the time. A breath for trusting that this is actually treasure.
- SO MANY THINGS. Completely overwhelming. A breath for remembering the purple pills.
- Expectations and holding onto them. A breath for grace.
- Saw someone in the park who looked exactly like someone else, and it wasn’t the person I was hoping to see. A breath for all desire is legitimate.
- I want to be at the Vicarage except I am here and what I really want is to want to be where I am. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Elimination and Liberation were my companions this week, the wild jewels in my crown, the qualities I apparently brought back with me from the Vicarage. I unpacked completely on arriving home. I’ve never done that before, ever, in a lifetime of traveling. And since arriving, I’ve been in a mad burst of Congruencing. Moving things out of my life. Reordering them. Clearing out the closets. Letting things go. I got rid of problematic things that have been sitting around for years. I deleted the music on my phone given to me by the Spy. I am in the intensity of spring cleaning, and things are just whooshing out and in, reconfiguring. A breath for release, and for the way that pleasure can be disruptive, and disruptive can (sometimes) be pleasurable.
- The loveliest brunch with Max. We went to Sweedeedee and talked about all the important things. She said something about my peaceful home that everyone says except I hadn’t been able to hear: it is so very peaceful. A breath for the gift of wise friends.
- All the skills I went to the Vicarage to learn about have landed. This week I had the superpowers I have been working towards: Wildly Confident. Wonderfully Tranquil. I went to dance class and didn’t compare myself, didn’t self-criticize. Under normal circumstances, I catch myself while I’m doing these things and remind myself why it isn’t helpful. It’s a process. This time, it was more like: half a moment and then whoosh nipped in the bud unnecessary we’re done with that way of living. No resistance. This is big. A breath for hard work paying off.
- I wrote something and shared it! And I didn’t do the thing where I spend a million hours editing it to be more concise. Life is easier, as it turns out, when I don’t care about trying to pare down to a “reasonable” number of words. Oh, it’s X words? Great! Not caring saves a lot of time. A breath for releasing unexamined rules.
- Play! So much playing. Agent Tessa was a fairy and there were bubbles. I dressed up as The Crazy Lady and did all the things The Crazy Lady would do, and it was actually really fun, and my monsters calmed down because no one even thought it was crazy, and also while being The Crazy Lady I had not the tiniest care what anyone thought anyway. Operation En Blanc is in effect. I have convinced the notorious noir gunslinger to join me, and we will paint the town white and become invisible. A breath for extravagant play and for a great excuse to wear an elaborate hat.
- DANCING! My god I missed it. Three weeks of no dancing, and then the most wonderful dance where I enjoyed every minute. A breath for having found this great love.
- I inquired about a thing I thought I wanted and got a no, which puts it in the category of Not My Bus, and I realized, immediately, that this no was treasure. A breath for treasure, for being able to recognize it, and for big changes in how I see the world.
- All the many reasons to say thank you. So many gems from Operation Kaleidoscope. Delight in being back in my wonderfully peaceful home. Flowers from the garden in my bedroom. Talking to the vicar. Rally T with marvelous playmates. Spirals, naps, epiphanies, good surprises. Thank you, everything that brought me here. Thank you, red lipstick. Thank you, lovely surprises. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I wrote a bonus ebook for the Year of Emerging & Receiving group, it is called the Kaleidoscope Compass! Huge progress on the Book of Bridges and Crowns. Operation Tomorrow Me I Love You is going fabulously. Operation T is for Treasure went great. Operation Liberate is in full swing. The Mission of the Mystery Covered Box is complete. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of reverse-engineering, the power of taking it to eleven, the power of trusting my instincts.
Superpowers I want.
The superpower of remembering that sometimes the treasure is in letting things go.
And I will keep asking for the power of knowing, deeply, that every moment is treasure.
Salve. The Salve of Pleasurably Disruptive.
At brunch with Max she was saying that the YEARbooks, my journals that I share with people in the Year of Emerging & Receiving, are very powerful and intense and delicious, and that she has to read and digest them in tiny bits.
We agreed that the books are Disruptive. Disruptive in a good way. Marvelously Disruptive. Pleasurably disruptive. They stir things, and make room for things, and everything that shifts is good, and also it disrupts things. Like Shiva, the god of destruction/deconstruction who takes stuff apart so the new, beautiful forms can come in. Except in this case the act of the undoing is also sweet, even while it is, well, yes, disruptive.
This is the salve of pleasurable disrupting, sweet interruptions, sexy undoing, joyfully knocking some things down, gentle upheaval, enjoyable rearranging.
The salve of remembering that pleasure can be disruptive and disruptive can (sometimes) be pleasurable
You only need a very little bit. There is a sharpness of clove and a lushness, a richness, a scent that doesn’t have a name. I put a little on the backs of my hands and my wrists and suddenly my skin is deliciously soft, I see with new eyes, my awareness is heightened, I am in the mood to kiss someone, I know exactly what I want, and I know exactly what needs to leave.
It is a mysterious salve: both invigorating and calming, you might even say that it disrupts things (pleasurably, of course) through quieting….
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is a lie and they’re called I’m Here To Wear White, they play bluegrass versions of Celine Dion songs and actually it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I spend a lot of time saying “ohmygod I want to go somewhere and WRITE, I want to go on a writing retreat” and then I never do that because of the part where hahaha I’d probably have to sit around with Writers and talk about what I’m writing.
And then I realized I could invent my own that would be exactly what I want. Price super low because I need to leave town for a couple of weeks. It is called a Righting Retreat.
Partly because that sounds less intimidating (to me), and partly because it is true. We will Right things.
Come read the page because 1) I swear a lot, 2) I make a pun that is also truth, 3) there is a cloud that makes me smile, 4) I can’t be the only person who longs for this, 5) I just made a thing and would love company, 6) there is an extra-extra-extra low price for the first few people.
Richard tells me we have two spots left. Do it.
—-> https://fluentself.com//righting/ —-> PASSWORD: oneword
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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I am very enthusiastic about the Kaleidoscope Compass! Oh, anticipation, you are sweet.
What worked: letting other people have their stuff. It was *hard*, and it did work.
Next time: I want to remember that asking for help sometimes brings up everybody’s Stuff, so it’s worth taking a moment to notice which Me wants to be at the front of the V.
Hard/mysterious:
–Money, again/still.
–Some of the patterns that I am in, I really do not like.
–I miss my West Virginia home.
Good/delightful:
–Discovering intriguing new work possibilities.
–Scheduling delicious little mini-adventures.
–Singing every day.
–Living with people who love me *and* are great creative playmates.
I now invoke the superpower of Voluptuous Vibrations! <3
Yay, chicken! I’ve “chickened” today for the first time ever, after 4 years of “meaning to”. This stuff is seriously hard!
And all-the-yays for bonus YEAR book! Can’t wait!!!
The Good: More Gallivanting – For Fun and Profit practice at Calico. Gallivanted slowly from one shady place and air-conditioned building to the next because it was over 100 degrees F.
What worked:
Asking The Dude if carpooling was keeping him from any calming rituals (using Manly Words, not these), so my Case of Nerves wouldn’t pick up his Anxiety. He will work out on Friday evenings. So Friday is my new Me Night!
The mysterious and hard stuff : Headache today. I suspect MSG in the ramen.
What I might try in the future?
That restaurant gets one more chance, then off the list.
Grabbing the doorknob so I can close the ProfOrg Office door a little further.
Trusting that I have time to WHAM Boom the Capers and do the Homework for Rally X.
I am closing the door. I am choosing or creating and opening the new door or doors.
Friday Chicken, out!
Oh my goodness, it’s Friday again!
I had time off from teaching this week! I got things done! I tried something new with my calendar and it worked! I had lunch with my sister B! I hung out with my friend BB!
MrB got a great report from the electrocardiologist. He and I went to IATP and played with all the assistive devices and gadgets and toys. I think he needs a Nerf basketball set.
Upcoming this weekend: Opportunities to connect and reconnect.
And I arranged the arrangements for LV and OR and started some other arrangements for AIC and MOI and maybe for SD and TN and NY. Thinking about ALB too…. Oh, my. Still need to work on an overnight at DF, maybe call Pete.
And I called AAA (not the automobile association) and then SSCS and found some of what I was looking for.
It was a good week. I even slept well part of the time.
The not-so-good: pain and allergies, and I’m trying something new for that.
What worked? Heeding the clews, waiting out the wants.
Next time? Mind the blades.
Hard, frustrating, etc.
* Still skittish about returning to pool and studio until hand and leg are fully healed
* Going through old files : angst over old choices
* Doing the right thing by reporting something very wrong with a project : very possible loss of projected income
* Poorly edited textbook : not being able to trust it 100% as I study
* Worrying about friends and family, and not enough resources to go to where they are and help directly, which would probably not be appropriate in any case. Yarg.
* The various seeds that haven’t germinated
* Political spam.
* So afraid and sad about so much in the world, starting with the mishegoss that is Israel/Palestine.
Good, uplifting, etc.
* Chatting with an old friend about his new daughter
* New socks
* Credential application approved
* Income
* Received several substantial discounts on major purchases
* Time to letter and study
* The lemon cucumber vines look promising
* My sweetheart is excited about our upcoming trip
I want the superpower of knowing what to say and when to say it and of being impervious to the shoulda-oughta badgers, because they do not get to jump the queue ahead of Incoming Me. Nope.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Yay Chicken!
I tried working with a proxy for the first time this week. Good stuff. I am now mildly obsessed with collecting shells, and feel a lot more chilled out about [collecting shells]. It’s a metaphor, and also not! Whee!
My beloved didn’t really get it, which I can’t blame him for because it is pretty kooky (that’s why I’d never tried it before) but it’s important to me to feel understood. Hm.
This is the second Friday in a row that everything was miserable. Not sure what that pattern is about but I’m ready for it to reconfigure, please.
But now is Saturday, and things are ok. Thanks for the tomorrow me post, and the chickening, and your general wisdom Havi. Mwah!
An early Saturday chicken.
The Good:
After clearing the garden of overgrown vines and burdock root, I have realized that I am much more conscious of what I want growing there, and it is much easier to pull out the small shoots that aren’t right and be okay them not being right instead of panicking that nothing will ever grow and I’m the worst gardener ever and will die alone. Which is to say, I had date number 2 and realized that the person is not my person and that is ok.
Blueberry cake and a welcoming family of friends for the post-date debriefing.
Left over blueberry cake for breakfast.
A writing class today! My characters have packed their little suitcases and are standing by the door excitedly talking to my monsters who are worried they’ll get lost in the city and who think that because they don’t know exactly how the story will go that it will all just fall to pieces and we should probably all just stay home.
Operation TM ILY! Tomorrow Me is having much better mornings, and Tonight Me loves making things easier for Tomorrow Me!
The Challenging:
My stomach and my brain having communication issues. My stomach has trouble getting the message that the war is over, it can come out of the jungle and put its guns down. Maybe changing the way the message is sent, trying carrier pigeons or smoke signals or sitting quietly until it can see and hear that the war is over.
The good:
– we have borrowed a sofa bed. I am going to lounge on it like nobody’s business.
– thistledown fairy came to me on the train, so I wished on it.
– I was looking for a thing for someone else, and I found two things for myself.
– brass band. There is still nothing like live music.
The hard:
– it is so, so hot
– dear fridge, why break this week? Why?
– mouth ulcer, bruised tailbone, infected ear piercing, general not feeling at home in my body.
What worked:
– Writing on the train. I read in the morning and write in the afternoon. Genius.
A post Max wrote a while back led me to the YEARbooks, and I have loved them so very much.
What Worked:
Sitting back and taking the time to enjoy where I am. Read: Stop blogging at the water park. Just enjoy. Letting myself lounge and relax.
Learning from Havi to think of the chores I don’t want to do as being kind to Future Me. Dishes were done! Bathrooms were cleaned (sort of). I even bought flowers. (Pink roses.)
The Good:
I am always in choice, too, and my choices have led to the outcomes. I can tell myself whatever story I like, but in the end, I know that.
The Hard:
Contemplating Not My Bus and letting no be a treasure.
Pink roses!!
Thank you.
This weekend has been learning to relax & be OK with idle. To stay in one place & love where I am at this moment. I have a friend visiting this weekend & she is napping on my left arm, so I am typing only with my right.
Tonight is going to bed when I’m tired, laying out clothes for tomorrow so Tomorrow Me can stretch and jump and dress for work without feeling put upon.
Learning when my body is being Afraid Lazy vs. Actually Needing To Rest is difficult. Learning to Guide & not Push is also difficult.
Learning to be kind is easy, except when the Monsters are shouting up a ruckus & I can’t hear my kindness. But that, too, is learning.
Today is Chosen Family Appreciation Day & I am basking in the goodness of the people who love me. I want to love deeper and fuller, more fearlessly. I want to be vulnerable without the Monsters building more razor wire to hide me. That is more learning.
“afraid lazy” – it is nice to have a term for something I have been afflicted with, too.
Magical week of wishes granted! Word of mouth that I am somewhat valuable turned into what could be an interview, quickly kicked off as new boss described her credentials (see also: I am giving you the 6 month job) as opposed to Spanish Inquisition interview!
New colleagues are so nice it is causing PTSD. Wait, when is the part where I get yelled at by someone with a foreign accent? New group culture includes You are a Rock star and thank you as replies to deliverables sent. May need therapy just for this item. (Rock star? Does that mean I have a drugged writing style???)
Gave too much of my introverted self but remembered I recharge with solitude. Excused myself and took 3 hour nap. Thank God for giving husband.
Discovered I have monsters who didn’t ever move out who like to point out when I don’t fit in or feel like someone dislikes me. No I am not a schmoozer but I try to mingle at a party. Sorry if it is awkward. A breath for neighbors who will likely be cast as the witchy one if we have a Real housewives of orthodox community I live in. I did amuse myself by matching characters to certain people who made me feel not welcome. Bonus points for husband who smiled and laughed and made an even better match I didn’t see.
Happy Sunday chicken! clucking!
So much good this week! What worked: the return to Best Practices, getting on the mat, wizard school. All this week I felt like I had leveled up in the video game, i could tell because my foundation was s strong, i had 2 friends say, you sound good, you sound STRONG.
the sparkle:
-first and foremost, my TATTOO!! i have a dove on my left arm, it reads ‘paz’. this was/is/continues to be magick! all kinds of mojo here, definetely a huge piece of the curent leveling up. so beautiful
-making my own yoga retreat. let’s do X minutes of slow flow with lit candles and Pink Floyd. because this is the class i WANT
-burlesque festival! a breath for dancing and loving dance and for all the mojo there
-really good full moon ritual on the day of, here at my house. a breath for connection, and for the numinous
-i’ve made so many wishes for increased guidance and information on soem thigns, and it’s totally coming through. thank you, ancestors and willow trees and thistles
-this lunation’s words are Desire and Commit, and they both are at work
-lots of gratitude
-i wrote this weekend. i posted a blog entry. i finally began editing the new editing project, my first at Awesome Press
-2 workouts this week!
-went to the farmers marker and mde really good food: bacon-corn salad with avocado and peach salsa. superp good
-the erotic vibe is rising
the suck: i have no desire to report on it.
I’, ready for thr week!
A chicken of avoidance! The monsters are dancing, I tell you. But I met an actual chicken today, so I’m taking that as a sign.
The mysterious and hard:
• My studio is a sea of clutter. A sea that I’m not sailing, but drowning in. I want my pirate ship back, not this life preserver.
• Inbox 155! Eep! And this is an improvement!
• Avoidance, still.
• Gnawing at old bones.
• The feeling of falling behind, of losing control.
• Everything takes 5 times longer than I think it will.
• The Nebula Witches are still in the hangar! Still! Trying to offer a breath for this, but only coming up with hyperventilation.
The delightful and good:
• I spent an afternoon standing in a huge field of lavender in full bloom, surrounded by hundreds of drunken honey bees. I cannot describe how wonderful this is.
• Some major Wham Boom, despite all the things.
• Pinball among the goats! With a guest appearance by a yak! This is not a proxy!
• The sea. Twice!
• Lunch with a mentor, and unexpected delights.
• Interviewed by a couple of boys, and together we met the Whale of Preparedness.
• Running into a whole bunch of people I love, and it made my day.
• Calendar pages are back in my life, and I remembered how they are actually sparkly helper mice disguised as boring calendar pages.
• Despite entropy around my ears, a persistent feeling of things falling into place. I like this feeling.
The superpower I want so, so badly this week: Order follows in my wake. I want to banish the entropy, with the Whale of Preparedness!
Cheers to all!