Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I have a very dear friend who once went through a pretty gruesome betrayal, and he told me about how he decided, in that moment, to choose open heart over closed heart. “Love more, trust more”, as he put it.
When I went through my own awful and unexpected breakup with my beloved mentor, the whole world went off axis, wobbly. I was walking through my life but not in it. I couldn’t feel the ground anymore.
But I remembered “love more, trust more”, and I inhaled the truth of that, over and over again, dissolving and radiating, breathing my way through until I could walk again.
Without negating or denying my very real pain, I looked for every single spark of good that might come from this.
Each day, many time a day, I reminded myself that one day I would look back on this and say thank you, and mean it. A true glowing thank you from my thank you heart.
And I did. I do.
What do I want?
That was a good training for me. An important one.
When my business expansion flailed (yes, flailed) spectacularly and we lost everything, I already had this seeded knowledge inside of me that this too would become a thank you, it was only a matter of getting there.
What do I want?
Do you remember, a couple months ago, I applied for a grant and the whole thing was very fraught and I had to work through my wish here until I was ready to ask, ready to admit I needed and desired support?
I was aware, while going through this process, that there were two desires at play. The desire for the thing I thought I wanted, and the bigger desire which was to feel safe with asking, to feel safe being vulnerable enough to want out loud.
And then this cool thing happened. I didn’t get the grant!
I got the bigger wish. I was able to be deeply, intensely, beautifully, terrifyingly vulnerable with someone, and to receive sweetness and witnessing in a way I have never been able to before.
There was this moment when my heart just softened. I could feel the movement, the newness, hear tiny bits of ice crackling and breaking. It was extraordinary.
Later that day, I realized I didn’t need the grant, which worked out really well because I didn’t get it, and soon after that it became very clear to me that I didn’t actually want it.
I still want the qualities of Support, Receiving, Trust, Enthusiasm, all that good stuff.
I just suddenly don’t want or need that particular form, and it’s clear to me that if I had actually received the grant, I’d be feeling pretty conflicted right now because the thing it offers is no longer aligned with what I really want.
Isn’t it interesting and beautiful how things change, how we change, how desire reconfigures to meet our changing sense of our own truth.
What do I want?
I didn’t get what I thought I wanted.
I got what I actually wanted. And needed.
It’s like a new spin on that bitter-funny-sweet line:
“In this world there are only two tragedies. One is getting what one wants, and the other is not getting it.” -Oscar Wilde
Except there is no tragedy here. Only treasure.
Not getting what I thought I wanted is treasure. Getting closer to what I really want is also treasure. Experiencing the qualities of what I want, this is even more treasure. Gathering intel about how my desires are changing: this is treasure.
What do I want?
To remember this. All the time.
To release attachment when I seed my wishes, trusting that all I need to do is focus on the qualities of my desires. Trusting that whatever I will receive will be a lot closer to what I actually want and need than the thing I think I want.
I’m convinced that the more I remember this, the more I will smile. The speedier I will become at the process of finding the good that is all around me.
I want to get what I want instead of what I think I want. And to know that this is what’s happening right now for me anyway.
What else do I know about this?
This is like an extreme version of Nothing Is Wrong In This Moment.
It also has to do with presence, quiet, being a clear conduit, accessing internal guidance. That way I can know when a desire has changed, when a yes is a yes and when it has moved into a no.
And it is actually a wish about taking exquisite care of myself because without that I can’t really do the other things I just listed.
What else do I know about this?
It requires patience, and a lot of trust, to go through life with this deep clarity that my wishes will change, and that’s okay. The qualities of the thing I originally wished for might need a new form now.
What if the new beautiful just-right-for-me form is on its way to me, and I don’t see it even though it’s right in front of me and I’m tripping over it, all because I’m still attached to the form I thought I wanted when I first made the wish?
I need my wide open heart of curiosity, presence and wonder.
I need to remember that the act of wanting, of being present with heart-desire, is enough. It’s another way I learn about myself and take care of myself.
What else do I know about this?
Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more.
Practice practice practice practice.
And the more I speak truth with others, state my preferences, share intel about my needs, the easier my own relationship with my own desires will be.
What else do I know about this?
All I need to do is say thank you.
What else do I know about this?
It would make an interesting experiment to pretend/assume that each moment is giving me some aspect of what I want, finding it, saying thank you, looking for more, make changes based on that.
What else?
Time for a new compass. Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
What will help with this?
Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes.Take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.
Permission. Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
And, as always, thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: What have you learned about receiving this month, in this month of receiving?
Me: It feels amazing, like I am both softer and stronger, like being filled with softly pulsating light.
She: It really does feel good. The thing that scared you feels wonderful now that it’s here. It was okay to want it after all. What if next time we make a wish, we trust that this wish is so completely wise that it will land in the exact right ways, and that our heart is ready to receive all the good that is coming. Let’s do that.
The superpower of gracefully receiving gifts.
Gracefully receiving my gifts.
Yes. This is the right time for this.
I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- I am able to state my preferences and desires, clearly, calmly and easily.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: A Beautiful Stew. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
“Somehow everything worked out fine, and it still is…”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka not only is it on the calendar but it’s on the calendar…
Balance worked well for me. Putting intentions on the calendar worked too. And tashlich was nothing short of incredible. Also I am putting some real work into undoing a couple of problematic cycles I’m in, and that’s part of putting things on the calendar too.
Right now my whole calendar is trust. Every day trust.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
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Oh! This is amazing. I love it.
This week, I was told about an opportunity. Lots of people would probably jump at it, and yet, as I listen to my intuition, I’m pretty sure it’s saying *no*.
What do I want? Courage to follow my heart. Wisdom to know what my inner guidance is telling me. Faith that all is well. Sunlight shining on my path, and sovereignty to help me remember that I am free to walk it.
I love you.
“Without negating or denying my very real pain, I looked for every single spark of good that might come from this.”
The idea of a thank you heart.
Thank you for your courage. Thank you for your heart.
Thank you for your words. Thank you for showing up and playing in this space.
If any time you get discouraged, I hope you remember how this space still sparkles so hard for so many of us. With each new thing you write.
I got into a rather traumatic incident today with –lalala lets say *a pizza pie* — and wasn’t sure how I’d recover. And then I conducted and slowly reviewed in my mind everything I’ve ever learned from the Fluent Self. Starting with the basics. Things I learned from Rally.
And then this post.
Ahhhh could not be more timely. (doesn’t every one say that like 20 times with everything you post?)
With “love more, trust more,” my heart opens and closes and opens and closes. I’m beginning to explore the edges of what that means. I don’t need to figure that out right now because I don’t have it figured out. There is no figuring out.
There are sparkles of just-right-ness about this moment of not-knowing. I am thankful to not know. I am deeply glad to not know. I will be thankful and glad.
Ommmmmmmmmm…………..
Hmmmm. Beautiful wishes/wants.
I am walking through a door that is my shattered dream (speaking of what I thought I wanted versus what I wanted – I want to walk through this door! Even while I cry about my dream.) and through this door is just… Something crazy beautiful.
And the last few nights I have dreams about it existing for really-reals in my life and then I wake up and I know that’s where I’m going but it’s soooo slow and soooo stuff-filled and the answers of how do I get there faster and what now are terrible boring things like go do the dishes.
Bleh, dishes. Though yes, that are totally a practice for me and I feel better when I do them.
But it occurs to me I have a *lot* of ideas about how this thing can come into my life. Both in how it will look internally and in how my process to get there will be. And maybe, just maybe, these ideas are not correct. Maybe there’s a hack or shortcut or realization and I can say yes to this more easily and more quickly than I thought.
I mean, I’m a Virgo. Turning visions into reality quickly and efficiently is basically my purpose in life. I have the vision, and I have my stuff getting in the way of my genius. But maybe if I turn my head sideways or get quiet or something else, my stuff can take a step back and I can do my thing.
I can see how these ideas are about protecting me from other people’s ideas about how to go forward. Because society’s list for how to do the thing I want to do absolutely doesn’t work for me. At all. So I’ve come up with my own story of how to get there based on my knowledge of and experience with being me, which is one thousand million times better than following someone else’s map.
But it’s still an old map. If I want to go to this new place, the old way won’t get me there.
So… Following the nudges and practicing one thousand million breaths of patience and self-kindness when the nudges call for things that seem slow or roundabout. The nudges have been very loud (and very right), and for that I’m grateful. In between nudges – breathing.
Because I want to be present with this. To welcome it from the steady knowing that it’s coming instead of throwing myself in the direction I think it might be repeatedly.
Breathing and believing in you and the nudges.
Love, Cxxxxx
What beautiful wishes!
I want my cheek to stop hurting. I need to organise the dentist. I want them to not lecture me about how long it is since I last went to the dentist. I want to feel safe and to feel that my concerns are being listened to.
I want the stress to dissipate now that the stressor is gone. I want to regroup. I want Merciless Robot Administrator back in charge. I want to feel safe even when she isn’t.
I want to get better at recognising the red signals and to be able to slow down for them. I want space around them. I want a broader vision. I want to trust that there is always another way to do things.
I want an Aquatic General Ambassodor, too.
“I still want the qualities of Support, Receiving, Trust, Enthusiasm, all that good stuff.”
That.
And to recognize them even if they are not in the form that I think I want them.
I want Ease. Not in the “not doing anything” form of “taking it easy.” I want Ease in doing, Ease while doing, Ease because I’m doing. I want things to work the way they are supposed to!
Like: you click on a web link and that page opens… you go to the address you were given and it’s the correct address… the meds you take to make you feel better actually make you feel better… when you don’t need a vacation from trying to set up your vacation…
I want Play and Playfulness. I want Safety.
I want I want I want…
Such beautiful wishes.
Last week and for the chicken I was worried about a work thing. I successfully turned my feelings about it around, and was able to talk to the other person involved which made me feel so much better since she clearly didn’t think it meant the End of Times which is nice.
Healing from Operation: Operation is going well and all the Helper Mice have been so helpful.
This week I shall wish for a smooth re-entry back into work. Continued healing. Connections. And the right dresser (not the pretty one that ended up reeking of perfume that needs to be removed from my house asap.)
This is awesome – thank you!
What I want: what you got: “to feel safe with asking, to feel safe being vulnerable enough to want out loud.” Yay!
18 months ago I did not get a grant I applied for. And that was a very good thing for me as well, for similar reasons. What came out of not getting it worked out 1001x better than getting it even could have.
I’m a completely different person, in a good way, because of the grant I didn’t win.
Today, I underwent a cascade of shocking revelations that shook my very being to its foundations. Not really sure where we go from here. But I can’t wait to find out!
Cheers to all of rediscovering ourselves and our possibilities in this moment!
This week, y’all. More curveballs than a twelve-inning game. But, and, things keep working out. Without me wrenching them into place, even!
Ways to encourage what I want:
* Choose the simplest option
* Be the logistics goddess that I am
* Let someone else make the coffee the rest of this week
* Throw out the old duets
* And the sick/weak plants, too
A handful for the pot on the back burner:
* Pruning tool sharpener
* Bike-riding mojo
* To join, be selected for, or form a vocal ensemble with these qualities: one to a part. Everyone else at my level or higher. French motets-chansons in the mix. Compatible with my work schedule.
* Non-ratty towels
* To get a better grip (so to speak) on standing forehead-to-knee pose
Wishing you all a gloriousness of wishes granted.