It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Recognizing a voice.
I was feeling very cranky this week, and then from somewhere inside the crankiness I was able to pull out a phrase, and recognize that this is not my voice.
It might be one of my fuzzy monsters, it might be a tired Havi from the university years, maybe just a belief-pattern that needs some love and attention. Anyway, it goes “I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother”, on repeat.
I am having I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother about a wide variety of things right now, both work-related and heart-related.
Anyway, the recognition felt good, and important. Knowing that this is useful intel, and also that it isn’t the entire truth of me.
Just knowing, hey this feels familiar. That is useful. I know this from somewhere, even if I can’t place it yet. like it might be a premenstrual thing or it might be a burnout thing, I have been here before in I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother, I know this place.
And, if I remember correctly, good things come from getting this fed up. Good things in the form of changes. “I am so damn sick of this that something has to change” is not my favorite way to make changes but sometimes it is the way it needs to happen.
So hello there, I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother. I’m ready to play.
Next time I might…
Give my body movement.
I was the crankiest girl, and also I wasn’t getting any of the body things I need to be happy, and we know how this works, and yet we are always surprised when the fallout starts.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Grief, sadness, loss, more of it. People I love lost people (and animals) they love this week, and that hurts, and I miss my mom, and it’s just all a lot. A breath for permission and for releasing.
- I have very clear intel about what needs to happen next and I’m frozen. A breath for breathing into this and letting it be okay, letting it percolate.
- Five nights without sleeping well, and then when I was finally able to sleep, woken up by a work call for someone else at NOT EVEN SEVEN IN THE MORNING. A breath for being in zombie state, and all the repercussions of that.
- “It’s not a curse but…” The beautiful boy has this [thing] going with vehicles, and I have this [thing] with the ballroom, and we are just going around in circles trying to find a solution to this. I believe with all my heart that there is treasure in this experience, and right now I’m just in the aching pain of it all. Looking for answers, or if not answers, then doors. A breath for patience, sweetness and courage.
- Ferguson and the pain of that. My heart aches. The accumulated distress of living in a culture where injustice is normalized, combined with really being confronted with just how many people can look injustice squarely in the face and not see it. This, for me, is combining with other pain about things that are unjust and not seen. We were driving back to San Diego, and there were cops in riot gear surrounding the small quiet protest. More cops than protesters. In case anyone needed another reminder that it is not safe in this country to express your discontent, certainly not if you’re not white. A breath for love, may love do what it needs to do here. And a breath for clear seeing.
- Thanksgiving. I still hate it. A breath for safety.
- And the thing I am still working on: being really aware of all the ways I relinquish my sovereignty, compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself. How easily I will pretend that what I want is not important, or act as if I don’t even know what that is. How easily I forget about I Nourish Myself First. A breath for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic: Currently on Day 23 of this wild adventure on the road: me, my notebooks, the boy I have a crush on, a camper, no agenda. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. And I am beginning to understand why the thought of it scared me so much, because it is so beautiful and so intense. A breath for receiving and for clarity.
- “Has there even been a mile of this trip that we’ve not been touching?” Nope! Apparently they’re going to have to remove the stop touching me and just give me some space motto from my tombstone. A breath for warmth, affection, sweetness and this big joy.
- Sleeping through the night again and then some. Sleeping in. And a bunch of dance classes in San Diego. A breath for my happy body.
- Right timing and connection in so many ways. Molly let us camp out behind her house and use her shower and set up an office in her living room. You know those miracle moments of life where you recognize that something special is happening? Like, oh oh oh it is really RIGHT that I came here, and it is good for me and it is good for Molly, and we both needed this, and how perfect that things are unfolding exactly like as they are in this moment, amen. A breath of thank you for this and for laughter and kindness. Thank you, life.
- I know what I want now. I mean, I know exactly what I want. I think I’m done being scared of it too. A breath for this sweet, quiet knowing
- Looking up and smiling. A breath for pure play.
- I am the grinch of thanksgiving, seriously I cannot stand this holiday (though I do love actual thankfulness, as you know), and this is why I always declare Hermitsgiving and run away. This year it was sweet and easy. I snacked all day. My traveling companion ate pie. There were gorgeous flowers all around us, and sunshine and happily napping dogs. The holiday was happening outside somewhere but we were deep in our joy bubble, away from it all. A breath for finding safe haven.
- Heart full of love. Tiny miracles everywhere. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, generosity, permission. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I finished writing Terpsichore Springs! That’s the latest YEARbook. 25,998 words. Wham boom! I am also close to having two more Internalship books done. And I’ve been playing with The Pomegranate and The Wishing Well. Taking my time, trusting the fractal flowers. And finished big chunk of the Internalship. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
Looking for clues in the pattern.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of hearing the truth inside of something I said as a joke.
And all the powers of wearing fluorescent NOTICE ME pink.
Superpowers I want.
Acting on guidance in addition to listening it. And: I Take Care Of Myself First, Second and Third.
The Salve of I Take Care Of Myself First.
This is an exceptionally nurturing salve, it comes with all the superpowers of Well Moisturized.
This is a salve I need so much and forget to use, until I am parched from need.
Luckily it works almost astonishingly quickly, with its rich saturated goodness and the way it just sinks in deep, caring for everything that has not been cared for.
This is a wonderfully rejuvenating salve. Not only does it soften everything that needs softening, it dissolves the internal programming that says I need to serve the world by being of service, available, giving, self-abdicating. This salve is rewriting the laws in my head that say exhaling is somehow more valuable than inhaling.
This salve returns me to myself. It reminds me to take in nourishment instead of thinking that there is something noble in neglecting myself. It reminds me of secret gardens.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from Agent Lovemore, they’re called No Ducks Allowed, they are play swingy klezmer versions of Elton John songs, heavy on clarinet, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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“You know those miracle moments of life where you recognize that something special is happening?” <- I have experienced this and it's breathtakingly beautiful. <3
"This salve returns me to myself." <- I have been working exactly on this, coming back to myself. Yes, please.
Cluck cluck
Hello all. <3
Hard things….
* Perhaps I could admit the phrase 'my life has become unmanageable' is perhaps uncomfortably appropriate. A breath for distinguishing humility from humiliation.
* Outsider Complex. A breath for patterns being pattern-like.
* Lonesome. Also hiding, so this is not a surprising side-effect. Bah! A breath for choosing compassion instead of self-judgement.
* I shout too much. That is to say, I shout as much as I shout and it makes me unhappy and I wish I had other ways to ….meet whatever need is being met by shouting or its consequences. A breath for learning the way I learn, and right timing, and the possibility of redemption, please.
* The injustice. The wilful ignorance and violence. I forget I am part of a wave forwards and backwards in time and location. A breath for remembering that we will get there. And for pain.
* So many paltry, small tasks are stressful these days. What has happened to me? A breath for healing.
* I am afraid to put energy into any forward-moving 'mission' activity, because I do not do not do not want to add another layer of Starts Off Well But Runs Out Of Steam lacquer. A breath for thinking about making friends with moderation and consistency, and trusting I will not die of boredom.
Good things…….
* The Truth Will Set You Free
* Change Is Inevitable
* This Too Shall Pass
* etc
What worked this week?
Bringing wine instead of candy.
Being persistent at the pump.
Next time?
A different jar for the pickles.
Read up on conversation-redirecting strategies.
Hard, vexatious, etc.:
* The “if you do [x] efficiently and well, people will take you for granted/fail to provide you with resources” flavor of Ludicrous Fear Popcorn.
* The “if you don’t get [y] done by [z], people will think you’re incompetent, not that the expectations were unrealistic” monsters.
* The “this bump will never go away” blues.
* The “this cough is wearing me out” wahs.
* New earrings definitely overpromised on comfort and may have caused a piercing infection.
Good, happy, etc.:
* Time (and champagne) with both honorary family and belles-pères
* Present Me is a rock star at picking up systems
* and way better than Past Me at adjusting my stride to the lay of the land
* An unexpected “I love you”
* The people I’ve met here make bright and beautiful things. See, for instance, Karen J’s Green and Gold.
A superpower I had this week, intermittently: waiting things out.
Superpowers I want for next week: keeping my own counsel. fully hearing others out.
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom!
Oh Friday, you are here.
The hard: wanting, really wanting.
Waiting for the realtor to call.
Wondering if past choices will make me lose what I want.
The good.
Snow eventually gets plowed or melts.
Being in the right place with the right people.
Wanting.
Hello Friday.
The hard:
– this cold. Argh seriously it feels like I have been ill, mentally or physically or both, since August
– no writing. It just won’t write itself.
The good:
– it hasn’t gone to my throat, and I am singing tonight.
– it is nearly Advent. I love Advent.
– I am myself again, or at least I waved at her in passing. It gets better. It really does.
– actually, I did get a conditional acceptance on a short story, and I have attempted to fulfil the conditions. So we’ll see.
– thank you, past me who bought Lemsip and rice pudding.
– I am noticing how wonderful people are. This is almost invariably a very good sign.
Current strategy:
– do nothing. Just let myself be ill, damn it, and see what happens on Sunday.
– daylight lamp, and grand opera on the iPod.
We are here. Thank you, Havi.
I love the salve. Thank you, today and always.
What worked? Slow and steady progress. Frequently checking in with myself. Mindful presence.
Next time, I would like even more mindful presence. More more more.
Hard: Unexpectedly painful interactions. Seeing a movie that was well-crafted and disturbing.
Good: The marvelous feeling of goals and desires beginning to fall into place with a satisfying *click*. Good food. Making music. Writing. Golden moments with family.
I now invoke the superpower of Everything Can Be Magical. <3
Friday! Juma’ in Tajikistan, where my name was Juma’gul, or Friday Flower. I got that name for reasons entirely unrelated to my love of Fridays, but this does not diminish said love. /random
Hello chickeneers!
Hard:
– So much identity stuff going on these days. Who the heck am I, anyway?
– Not sleeping (at night) and falling asleep all the time (during the day) makes for an incredibly cranky and ineffective Rhiannon.
– Integrating an intense experience. There are always moments of hard in this, and this time is no exception.
– The wee little is going through a thing, and has been *most* unpleasant. Also waking up in the middle of the night. Also not napping.
– Somehow the house became *exceptionally* messy, or really straight-up dirty, and there were a good many days where my only goal was “make it less disgusting” and I didn’t even halfway meet this goal.
– Okay, so it was never my only-only goal, because there are not only a lot of to-dos this week, but they feel like they’re in these crazy separate universes, and I am pulled in many directions.
– Not enjoying a thing I really want to enjoy again.
– Wanting to write; not writing.
Good:
– The second birthday celebrations were sweet and prolonged and quite fun.
– I had a great time hanging out with my dad. I took him to ecstatic dance and he loved it and I loved it and the wee little loved it. Also he fixed like half of the broken things in our house in about an hour. Things we’d been stuck on for months.
– Oh, you know, just had the most powerful healing experience of my life-to-date (tied with childbirth) and deeply enjoyed it and came out the other side completely different and absolutely myself and got to connect to community in a way I never knew was possible for me and… That. Just that.
– We found an escape route! If [not betrayal]’s consequences go as poorly as possible for us, we have found a way to not end up homeless! Yay for options!
– A relative of mine gets out of prison today. I’m so excited (kind of vicariously) for FREEDOM. Even visiting, the non-autonomy would have me near tears, and I only experienced it for an hour. So I am celebrating this person’s return to more autonomy after six entire years of non-autonomy. And hoping the transition goes well for all affected.
– Also I don’t need to visit prison, receive calls from prison, or write to prison anymore.
– This is far and away the best [Friday of a certain color] I’ve ever had, in that it isn’t really affecting me. And Thanksgiving wasn’t so bad either. I got treated to delicious organic vegan food.
– WE GOT A DISHWASHER! And now that I’ve figured out how to use it effectively, I’ve got an extra hour in my day and a much cleaner kitchen.
– I did finally clean the house today, and it feels super nice.
– Three people I really wanted to hear from wrote to me, two of those unexpected. It’s good to get letters from friends.
Never have I been more rescued by a timely salve. Never have I been more grateful for one. THANK YOU.
Oh week. Cluck.
what worked: Best practices, breathing, I know what to do Next. Excellent well-tending, i’m getting better at it.
sucks:
-i live in gratitude, but i have been in such a foul mood re: thanksgiving this year, that i retreated to my room many times. serously, resentments big and small come forward
-husband ill on monday, i got no sleep, then went to work while he napped, then came home and tended to him. rage
-i hate Bolivia today. just hate it
-scheudling a day for myself and it basically becomes zombie do-nothing day because i’m worn out
-ferguson and cosby and friends who aren’t allies. all the angry, hrrible sucks of the world.
-resenting all the tme i
but sparkle:
-lots of great returns on long standing VPA wishes. i wanted more subtle info, it’s coming all the time. I wanted more ability to reveive help, and help came and i received t. hsband nad i are pretty okay
-i have been given a SuperAwesome editing project for a very important visible book. so proud
-PACO, the pagan activism online confernece, feeling hopeful
– a nice thanksgiving, despite my mood, and the need to amend the menu
-progress on ops and things
-i have not been jounraling much at all, but i am making time for practice and that is really important
-clearing out crap, welcoming in good
What worked: Taking time.
Next time: Play the LOTTo (That’s seekrit code; I don’t play the lottery).
Hard:
-It’s cold and I don’t like cold. It snowed and I don’t have anyone to shovel it so I have to do it myself.
– My last class at the community college. I am tired and ready for a break but I will miss this group of students.
Good:
+ Thanksgiving at my brother’s. The not-so-young people with the chaotic energy were either not there or occupied and it was surprisingly peaceful, considering the number of people in the house. Conversations happened! Laughter and stories and memories. It was wonderful.
+ Seeing my mom and my son.
+ MrB responding to a need that I hadn’t really articulated.
+ Coming up Sunday, our 40th anniversary. I can’t believe that much time has elapsed.
+ Recognizing something about a long-held dream and seeing a way for it to happen.
And I’ve just received a generous supply of the salve and I am applying it now!
Unpleasant and hard stuff:
-Zero sun this week, grey skies above non-stop. This plus the early darkness = so depressing
– Didn’t sleep well one single night
– Various sad scenarios in my head, also during sleepless hours
– Confusion about the right path for a new attempt to find THE skin treatment
– The excema and the dryness on my hands after I stayed off cortisone cream for 5 days in a row
– Occasional lack of patience for the new treatment, not being friends with the idea of of initial worsening
– High stress levels of colleagues invading my aura
– Good friend in distress
The good stuff:
– I did manage to stay off cortisone cream for many days and the alternative does take away the itching quite a bit
– I realized that when it starts itching instead of going “it comes” and dreading a new little red and dry patch I can say “it goes away”, something that wants to come out as part of a healing process. A breath for healing. A breath for soft skin.
– Sent off a parcel that will make a friend’s adorable little daughters happy.
– Turning a summer photo into a Christmas card.
– An amazing play at the theatre.
– Found a simple recipe for an amazing winter minestrone. A delighted breath for soups in winter.