very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

The red sweater.

Before I took off in a camper on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, I ran away to Eugene (the city, not the person) for a few days.

Just to soak up some pre-emptive tranquility to get me through until the op and I were ready for each other. My uncle Svevo is the most tranquil person I know, and I knew that if I could just be in the same place with him, everything would be okay again.

While in Eugene, I went out dancing, which was amazing, and while out dancing I somehow lost my black sweater.

I really, really love that sweater and I was feeling super sad. Except then I remember what we say at Rally (Rally), which is that everything that happens at Rally is part of Rally.

And since everything that happens on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic is part of the op, then I had to operate under the assumption that losing the black sweater was vital to the mission, I just didn’t now how.

The next day.

The next day Svevo took me to the train station, and we were early and went for a walk.

We passed a clothing exchange shop and he said, maybe they have your sweater!

I went in and met a deep crimson red sweater by Eileen Fisher: thick, warm, cozy, flattering. Eighteen dollars and exactly my size.

So I went home wearing the sweater, it’s a very Havi sweater, and I’ve been wearing it for pretty much all of Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic.

It’s actually a much better sweater for this op than the black one would have been, because it is cold in the desert, especially at night.

This red sweater is like having the Right Tool For The Job, and I didn’t even know I would need it. It’s almost as if the black one knew I’d need something else and took off on its own adventures so that I could take care of a need before I needed it.

Apply to everything.

What if….

(Deep breath for me)

What if I can apply this red sweater thing to everything in my life?

For example, I have been feeling very frustrated about many things in my life not working the way I think they should, or at all.

What if these things are like my black sweater? What if something going wrong (in my perception) is like losing the sweater, an opportunity to replace the thing that isn’t right for my current or upcoming needs with something that is?

What if this is another way to say thank-you to the breaking, to smile at the broken pots?

What if I can say a graceful goodbye to all the versions of [black sweater], trusting that the thing that will replace them will be so much better than I ever imagined?

I mean, I was super sad over the loss of the black sweater when it happened, but since embarking on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, I have had a glowing heart full of appreciation for this just-right super-snuggly red sweater, thankful for it all the time, and have not missed the black one for even a moment.

What do I know about this?

  1. It is very important to not push through grief. Grief is legitimate. I am allowed to mourn the loss of all the [black sweaters]. When one door closes, it is okay to feel sad about not having access to that room anymore.
  2. I love the way this turns bad news into hopefulness. Oh, this thing is breaking or malfunctioning or exiting because it was done, and the next thing is going to be a huge improvement. When one door closes, it is very exciting if I can remember that the new one opening for me is the right one.
  3. Having this mentality of red-sweater-receptivity seems to require a certain calm grace that people like Svevo have, and that I do not always remember how to access. This will take practice, deep heart breaths, patience, play.

What do I know about what I want?

This has to do with entirely new levels of trust.

What’s next.

I don’t know. Right now it seems as if — with many aspects of my life — I’m in that point between having lost the black sweater and before the red one has revealed itself.

So I guess this is why I come here each week: to seed some wishes, to get back to the qualities.

What are the qualities of my red sweater wish?

Play. Presence. Ease. Illumination. Trust. Release. Love. Receive.

What do I really want?

I want to be someone who is really, really good at letting go, and actually enjoys it. And who laughs at how this didn’t use to be true.

And, as I seem to wish every week: To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.

Now.

I am in bed in the camper.

At some point during this trip I have undergone a shift from being someone who finds small spaces claustrophobic to someone who loves the coziness of a ridiculously low ceiling.

I like typing in bed, reclining, resting the laptop against my knees.

I am liking all kinds of things I don’t normally like at all. For example, how it gets dark obscenely early this close to the solstice, and we set up camp at five and I am in bed by seven thirty in the evening. This would normally be depressing to me, except right now it feels right.

Maybe not forever-right, just right for now. Like this red sweater which is exactly what I want and need, and one day in the future it will no longer be the sweater for me and it will become someone else’s just right sweater.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: You think this wish is a simple wish, a surface wish, but actually it goes so much deeper than you think.
Me: Tell me more.
She: This is a wish that can only be wished by someone who has loved and lost, who has lost her clear seeing and then regained it.
Me: I don’t get it.
She: Everything is temporary, and everything is beautiful. There are different ways to react to knowing this, and the way you are choosing to react (appreciating the red sweater for what it is right now, not thinking that it will be your one and only right sweater forever) is really great. You are able to do this because of what you have lost, not things on the black-sweater level of loss, the other losses. You have new eyes, babe. This is good. I’m glad you got here so we can do the next piece together.
Me: Thank you.

Clues?

I was writing about the chocolate shop, and I misspelled shop so that it was ship, and then I went oooh! Because I love ships. The chocolate ship, I like that so much!

What if it’s not a chocolate shop, it’s a chocolate SHIP?!?

What happens then? And in what other places in my life can I switch out a vowel and make them better?

The superpower of bringing light to the corners.

December-2014-Illumination I owe you guys an apology. Or maybe I don’t, maybe this is a perfect example of the red sweater thing.

We’re in the month of Illumination, with the superpower of bringing light to the corners.

And last week I forgot to switch out the month and said we were still in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.

That might have been good though, because it was working with sovereignty that helped me say what I need, which brought me to Clarity, and the thing that helps with clarity is illumination. So here we are.

What else needs to be illuminated? That’s what I’m asking right now, and I am enjoying many different sources of illumination: the moon, and the flashlight app on my phone, and also going to bed ridiculously early (at 5:30pm on Wednesday, just saying) and waking up and dancing spirals in the light. Illumination is exactly what I am needing.

Oh, and by the way, if you enjoyed this year’s Fluent Self Year of Salves calendar, or if you didn’t get one but wished you had, the 2015 calendar — the Year of More — is ready and it is gorgeous, and you can order one soon. I recommend!

Ongoing wishes.

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • My body gets the deciding vote.
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
  • I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.

Taking care of these seeds.

The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.

Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:

Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka midlife easing…

I got much more ease than I was expecting. Really I don’t know why I don’t wish for things more often. Just the process of uncovering and getting closer to desire is its own magic, and anything that comes after that is a bonus.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox

The Fluent Self