It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Celebrating the invisible wins.
This week wasn’t so much about what got done as it was about giving myself a hundred billion sparklepoints for not hiding.
Given all the big stuff going on for me right now — exiting the playground, my home, and my city, figuring out what I want to do and where I want to live, knee injury, my relationship with writing and dance, what if six months in a tiny camper with the boy I like ruins our beautiful sexy NARBAR (Not A Relationship / Better than A Relationship), what if I don’t have the things I need, what is my plan for money if I’m not working aaaaaaah scary, and what if I don’t get anything accomplished on sabbatical (which is hilarious, because not-accomplishing is the point) and what if I sit with the void and get no answers and come back poor and knowing nothing (even more hilarious, because look how many answers I got on the six weeks in the desert), or what if I get too many answers and they scare me (my love, you will get the just right answers in the just right timing), etc etc…
Well, given all this, I think I am doing okay.
Amazingly, I did not spend this week hiding under the covers or watching all the cop shows on Hulu (though if I did, that would be legitimate and understandable).
The monsters are of the opinion that not hiding in bed isn’t an “accomplishment”. No. I say it is. I did things this week that were not hiding when I had every reason to hide!
And I gave myself a hundred trillion sparklepoints every time I didn’t hide. Also when I did hide, because hiding is choosing safety, and this is important.
Next time I might…
Light the candles.
And all other forms of [enjoy this now instead of saving it for some later date that I deem more worthy].
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The last day of Playground. Farewell, sweet playground, love of my life. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. A breath for walking out the door — the magical door — of my favorite place in the world for the very last time.
- My knee is still on and off. It likes to walk again, which is wonderful, however it finds sitting in any position to be painful. It’s pretty much only happy when I’m moving. This makes it hard to write. A breath for trust, patience, healing.
- Waiting to hear back from [person] about [situation], and feeling distress about this. A breath for remembering that we both want the same thing: to be heard, to be safe, to find a good solution.
- Ahahahahahaha how do you pack for half a year on the road when you don’t really know where you’ll be going or what you’ll be doing but you definitely won’t be places where you can acquire certain things should you need them. A breath for trust, trust, trust, trust and more trust, and for the superpower of I Am A Grand Adventuress who does things In A Grand Fashion.
- Monsters criticizing me from all sides in a gigantic Monster Wedding. The groom’s side, which is all about How Come You’re Not Resting You’re Supposed To Be On Sabbatical Look At You Doing Stupid Work Crap All The Time, and then the bride’s family which is more like No You Need To Focus And Get Shit Done You Are Leaving For SIX MONTHS In A Couple Of Days And You Aren’t Even Packed And You Have No Plan And This Is A Disaster. Gigantic monster wedding! A breath for how stressful (and confusing) this is.
- Old patterns and habits, and the need to push for pellets when I know that pellet-pushing does not bring me joy. A breath for me.
- Bureaucratic nightmare with healthcare provider sucked up six hours of this week. I’m paying double, because of a mistake that is not mine, and they won’t refund, and I’ve spent way too much time sorting it out, and they are gaslighting me so hard, saying they have no record of letters they sent me, but claiming to have sent a letter that said the opposite. A breath for safe passage, and for trying new things in the video game.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Spent the weekend with my lover after our eight days apart, and it was full of sweetness. And now we will get to have this sweetness every day on the road. A breath for smiling like dopes.
- My knee feels really good when I’m walking, no more twinges. Stairs are better. I can bounce and even jump (gingerly). As long as I don’t sit for very long, it’s good. This is big improvement. A breath of love for my body.
- The beautiful boy cleared out the Playground for me. A breath of deep appreciation and gratitude, full heart of joy.
- Amazingly, I did not fall apart this week. Not even sure how that happened given all that was going on. A breath for miracles.
- The Switch aka the Swoop aka the Secret Sword Society. A breath for how wonderful it is.
- Leaving for Operation True Yes aka Operation Rosh Tzalul (clear head) aka six months on the road. It is happening! We were supposed to leave yesterday for Eugene but there was a situation, so now this happens today. Going to spend my birthday tomorrow with the beautiful boy and with Svevo, my favorite uncle (favorite everything), and with some of my favorite trees. Then we will be back in Portland for a few days to take care of some last missions, and then we are on the road. So we get a long slow sexy entry into Shmita, which is exactly what I needed. A breath for this grand adventure.
- Each week in the Wishes aka Very Personal Ads, I plant a wish called Past Me Is A Genius. This helps me recognize the treasure in past experience, and remember that even the decisions I doubt and second-guess were right, because they gave me intel about what I don’t want. This week the shower curtain liner ripped, and I remembered how it took forever to research an eco-friendly, PVC-free, not plasticky-smelling, inexpensive solution, but couldn’t remember how I solved this. Guess what? Turns out past me bought a replacement, a spare, and I forgot about it. It was hiding in the linen closet, and tumbled out while I was packing towels for the trip. A breath for remembering that I am provided for, and sometimes it is even me doing the providing.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Amye took me on an op! Danielle and I got Regrounded. Someone knocked at the door at night and I didn’t fall apart this time. I used ten pound weights, and my arms said okay for three minutes! Warm, friendly, helpful people have been assisting me in the healthcare op. The cherry blossoms and daffodils and even early magnolia blossoms: so pretty. Emptying out. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I somehow did all the things, without falling apart. The provisions have been acquired. The dates have been set. The Provisioning Map (packing list). And we are off! And by off, I mean, leaving town, but I also mean time off, and I also mean turning off. Except, and this is the funny part, we are leaving and then coming back and then leaving again, so we aren’t so much off as we are testing out what off feels like. Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
There are two kinds of asking why…
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of knowing that something sad can also be joyful and, more important, it can be right.
I also had a small taste of Want What You Have! And I had the superpowers of Jade Colored Toenails, the superpower of finding good clues, and the superpower of knowing when my housemate wants a hug.
Powers I want.
The power of releasing the need to have things be Just So, and Seeing Beauty In The Messiness.
And I want the superpower of Delighting In Commercial Breaks. Like, yay I can take eight breaths now. Or yay, I can notice if there were any glitches or reactions for me. Or yay, perfect time for a compass. And commercial breaks can be any form of waiting, like waiting for a bus or waiting in line, or whatever it is, the places and spaces where I try to fill time instead of being with time.
The Salve of Delighting In Waiting.
This salve sweetens everything. It turns an unexpected time out into a time in.
When I wear this salve, I remember to look for clues, to look up, to savor the red lights instead of wishing they were green.
All of a sudden what first appeared to be an impasse or an imposition turns into a secret gift: time for me to notice the cool breath entering my nostrils and the way it exits warmer, to touch in, to feel my feet on the ground, to let go of things that need letting go, to touch my skin and say “hi, I have missed you, but I am here now”.
It isn’t so much waiting as it is readying myself, making tiny adjustments, choosing away from tightness and towards joy. And then I don’t mind waiting, because I remember that All Timing Is Right Timing. And as I soften, so do the things that were causing the wait.
This salve has a marvelous spreading effect. When you wear it, everyone around you benefits from it too!
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Digital Dust-Up, they play twangy cowboy versions of bollywood songs and, as it turns out, they’re actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
They help, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
The page is many years old and needs rewriting! Copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office filled with thank you notes, and most of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
The thing I had eagerly anticipated returning to for 18 months? Instead of getting accepted, I got wait-listed. It sort of tore my heart open, and it was sort of the right thing not to go because Reasons. And even as I recognized all that, in my resignation, I was still hurt and sad.
Thursday afternoon, I got an email that there was an opening “just for me”.
I declined it, but wished everyone well. I need more unknowns in my life, more I’m following this feeling and let’s see what happens!
Happy birthday! Satisfying adventures await (both of us)…
Thank you for the salve, which is especially useful today for helping me see all the hidden treasure in a flat tire. <3
Hello Chicken!!!!
This week has been: the Weekend of Radiant Sun, and then the Festival of Happy Snowman.
The Swoop has been a spectacular magical blanket fort. It is so good to be back.
Breathing for tangles
+A breath for Me Who Worries. Especially at night. Breathing trust and love and sparkling and peace and joy for this Me.
+A breath for the Alchemical Disasters. Can’t win ‘em all! Breathing Better Luck Next Time. Breathing Remember How Great We Are at This Most of the Time. Sparklepoints for expedient release!
+A breath for Weeping Willow Dream Tree. A breath for the Robot Butcher and the Rose Thorn and the Giant Swordfish and the Tater Tots and the Tower Trap and especially the Rogasia Burglar. A breath for my tender heart in its tender spot in my ribcage.
+A breath for the Banana Peel. Yes. Yes, we know.
+A breath for the M’ship. V + V + V. Mostly it was good, thank you.
+A breath for the Green Stuff, yes this is hard stuff, no matter how many times we do it or have done it, maybe it can be a different thing, maybe I can look at how I want it to be and play with that. (Idea! Guava!)
+A breath for the Construction Zone between One and Three. A whole lot of slow, gentle breaths for this. Breathing flow and faith and love and connections.
+A breath for Operation Red Snooze], whether or not I actually do it, whether or not I figure out how to do it, whether or not I EVER do it…it still gets breaths, in and out, it gets all the air it needs because it exists.
Breathing for donuts
+A breath for the show. THE SHOW! SO GOOD! YAY!!!!
+A breath for the Festival. The FESTIVAL!!! This Festival thing is the greatest EVER. I’m so excited for the next one. I love that I am someone who does this thing. I love it I love it I love it.
+A breath for Operation Z. Even if it’s just an exploratory mission, YAY! YAY that it is anything at all!!!!
+A breath for the Superpower of I Am So Ready, which right now is the best superpower EVER and is making all kinds of other awesomeness possible.
+A breath for turning up the heat. In the vestibule. 😉
+A breath for Operation Mermaid Wings. Breathing hope and exuberance and delight and connection and colors and magic. YES.
+A breath for Operation Bibliophilia, forever and always. So many good books this week. YES.
+A breath for hot buttered epiphanies. Yes please. More of those. Yes.
YES! This is good.
And my Fake Band of the Week? Some Queer Lumberjack. You would think that this was just one guy, wouldn’t you? Well…you’re right. Good guess.
The Hard:
Roller coaster texts about medical things.
Health insurance premiums.
Scary financial stuff for relatives.
I forgot about the demoralization that is job searching. Need to anagram-ize this – Her bacon jigs. Each job grins. Reaching jobs. Blergh. Anyone have a better one?
The Good:
Medical things.
Visits.
New client calls.
Room to stretch.
Time for the rock gym.
Me too on the job searching! I just tried “find right work”, haven’t finished reviewing but my favorites so far:
Gird Froth Wink
Grid Froth Wink
Third Frog Wink (I think this one is it, for me!)
Kind Fir Growth
< 3 < 3 < 3
Friday!
The Hard:
– Our car broke, and I had to be on the bus almost six hours one day to do all the things that needed doing (but not even all the things, because there wasn’t time.) And THEN our car got fixed and I kind of wish it hadnt because I really want no car, even with the exhausting busing.
– Very sick. Much sleeping. And coughing. Not a lot of doing the things I need or want to be doing.
– A lot of things are triggering me right now. Small things, but with big emotions attached.
– I’ve spent the last fourish months in intense internal and external preparation for a new level. Today I got to take the first steps on that new level and I can see why I needed such an accelerated pace of internal work to even get here – because it’s really really hard. Just waiting for my chance to curl up in a ball and sob.
– I am hating everything about the way I look right now. And today I got my ID card picture taken, and it’s just ghastly.
– I took several actions that didn’t get the results I thought they would immediately produce.
– Worried about money.
The Good:
– Scarlet. Just generally. Singing songs, asking questions, loving trees, climbing things… All good stuff like that.
– The bus! Eventually it was too much, but I really do love taking the bus. I even got to witness some lovely interactions.
– I started attending a writer’s group. I wasn’t really sure why I’d signed up when it was time and money I didn’t have but I had the feeling so I did. So far it’s just marvelous. Exactly the right thing.
– Thank goodness for the crystal grid. I couldn’t move this much stuff this quickly without it.
– Reading a book that’s not that good as a book, but I’d excellent as a waker-upper.
– I’m all registered for classes and “oriented” and it turns out I can graduate in as little as three quarters.
– The weather is just lovely right now.
– I think I turned the exhaustion/sickness tide and am now finally putting my body back together.
<3
This was a tough week. I have been missing my friend and regretting that I did not spend more time with her recently. And hating cancer. Cancer sucks!
Alzheimer’s Disease (and Related Disorders) sucks too. Especially when it makes the afflicted person work against himself. Without even realizing the inherent contradiction in what he is doing. And even more especially when personality changes start occurring.
It’s still winter. It’s still cold. Sun on snow melts it and then it refreezes and forms ice on all the areas that have been shoveled. So unsafe.
On the positive side, MrB is really motivated to do PT right now and is already making progress towards some of his goals. Massage therapy is helping too; yesterday after PT and massage, he was able to stand upright unsupported for several seconds.
Also I am getting “messages from the Universe” about pursuing some goals and dreams that I put on hold some time ago. This is scary and exciting.
What worked?
* Getting sleep.
* Deep breaths and admiring the night sky while waiting for the bus.
Next time? Getting off the bus sooner.
Hard:
* Troll. Ye gods and fishes.
* UTI.
* Worried about the dog’s health.
Good:
* Unexpected comp.
* Snowstorm on Purim = working at the bakery instead of the office = apricot hamentash with honeybush tea
* Happening to read parts of Yes, Chef this week = repairing seams of my sovereignty cape.
* Seeing my city at night from the bus.
* The big beautiful moon on my walk home.
Warm wishes and big bouquets to all who would welcome them.
First wish: For a mah-veh-lous birthday, Havi!
Next gwish: Remembering to Celebrate Invisible Wins – especially recognizing the [things] that have been urging me along what feels like ‘the crazy road’ but was really just a detour.
Last week was so difficult, with worrying doctor appointments and such, I forgot to chicken. Well, here we are, in recovery.
The hard:
Gigi the kitten was sick last weekend, which was terribly upsetting for reasons I won’t go into. Pit of the stomach sinking.
My own “her bacon jigs” project seems overwhelming.How do people find the time to do this?
Cold, cold, cold weather. Ugh.
Late in the week, another friend leaves. My workplace seems to regress.
The good:
Gigi the kitten is better! Seems like she had a bad hairball. I delight in feeding her again.
Still making progress on the project tiny bit by tiny bit. I seem to be working on it subconsciously.
Attended two public events this week that required wearing a name tag and making upbeat conversation with people I didn’t know. And I did great! Even helped others who seemed lost.
Hooray, the thaw has set in. And the time changes tomorrow, so more daylight is imminent.
Envisioning myself on a six month long road trip…Maybe someday.
All the best, chickeneers.
Hello chickeners. A belated cluck.
What worked this week: keep checking things off the list, one more thing, the happy return to a Decent Bedtime.
things that were hard:
-so much stuck. i cant even move on one piece of stuck because other parts of stuck are stuck there, making it immobile.
-the bullshit in my house: all the stupid, the selfish, the absolute refusal to gro the fuck up. Talk about a billion sarkle points for not hiding
-that being said, i am hiding out in my room
-so many Ops not moving
-more to the point, so many Writing Ops Not happening
-Levanah (incoming me) wants to come in and i’m blocking ehr. so much about this pattern.
-so much magick i have no acces to
-i came back from Pcon very clear on what doesnt work, and i set about changing it, and the stuid reason these things exist is the stupid reason they continue to exist, they didnt go away because i noticed them
-feeling deeply dissatisfied with everything, ncluding how i look
-in this space, i cannot remember my Best Practcies or my tools/tech, and this is something i specifically want to uncver’
-not asking enough questions
-feeling lonely adn isolated, cabin fever is a part, but not all, of this
sparkle:
-i really do have so much t be grateful for
-tiny baby steps are tiny, but i made them, so a million sparkle points for that
-the horrible issues with the car/computer etc were resolved, not too expensive either
-my husband is committed to setting ne improved boundares with his dad. stay tuned
-i made some art the othe day, and i wrote today. i burned the good candles
-i did full moon ritual on the full moon.
i think i need sleep now.
Chicken since the last one.
The Dude hospitalized. Me staying with him. Responsibilities for Snow Wars delegated successfully so that parties who wished to attend are attending. Decisive Lee and Knowing Lee at the front of the V, not getting in the way of the Medical Professionals, being with The Dude in the right way, keeping Agitation from visiting. Knowing when and how to take care of myself and the house. Keeping people in the loop. Appreciating Medical Professionals and People Who Feed Me.
I have written the Reminders and am Remembering to do them.
Thank you for the salve. I will share it with The Dude. The waiting is hard. Delighting in it may be impossible. No, I am seeing delight in little things – my first empanada, being Knowing Lee and Decisive Lee and realizing that the monster named Fluster is gone, but she wants me to do her portrait. People who are praying for The Dude’s rest and recovery. People who I know are there for me when I need them – like all of you.
And I am Dealing with this like a Riverboat Gambler. I am handling this like Shogun Ieyasu handled Japan. The Planner (imaginary) is helping. Being on vacation tomorrow is helping. Sparklepoints for all of this. The change of time Is Not Helping.
Bed now, back to The Dude later.
Love for you and the Dude. May peacefulness prevail, and health return. Heart-prayers. And I love the superpower of Dealing With This Like A Riverboat Gambler. YEAH.
Love reading these Chickens…and especially that you got to spend your birthday with your favorite everything, Svevo, and your boy. <3
Challenges:
– Body does what it wants and sometimes I have no control over it.
– Same with emotions.
– Back is tweaked from mind/body protection efforts
– Time to go grocery shopping again!?
Good memories:
+ Received a book as a gift and I gobbled it up in two days.
+ Received vegan baked goods from a friend, too. More gifts!
+ Let myself sleep in as long as I needed.
+ Uplifting conversation with friend about potential work.
+ Watching a fun series on Amazon
+ Being able to laugh at myself in a moment where I could have panicked.
+ I ordered a mandala coloring book!