It is Friday Saturday and we are here.
I was on the road and wasn’t able to post and felt kind of stressed out about that, and about other things, but hey, we finally made it to camp, so here we go.
Pausing to breath for the week that was.
{a breath for being here when we get here.}
What worked this week?
Happy Fairy Self-Godmothering Day!
A reclaiming was (and is) necessary for this holiday I dislike which seems to take up more and more social bandwidth each year.
I practiced being a good fairy godmother to myself, and I got myself a present.
Blouse button!
Found myself in Portland for a few days, and the dress I wanted to wear to Waltz Brunch was being way more cleavage-ey than it is in my head.
Normally I would say SO WHAT, DEAL WITH IT, because I have very little patience with the notion that clothes suddenly become immodest when worn by me. To quote Jessica Rabbit, as one must, “I can’t help it, I’m drawn that way.”
But my desire in that moment was to cover up.
Miraculously, there was a jet black blouse button (apologies in advance for their problematic tagline — “when modesty matters”) in the bathroom, and it did the trick, and now I am going to keep this with me everywhere instead of letting it sit in a drawer.
Next time I might…
Not choose the eight hour bus ride option.
The physical trauma of being crammed in one position for half a day was not even the horrible part, and it erased the accumulated relaxation of the previous week of doing sweet nothing and communing with the moon.
I knew this option wouldn’t be fun, but I chose it because it was sensible.
And in the end, there is nothing sensible about it. Certainly nothing sensible about having to hide in bed and get physical therapy to recover. Next time I will choose the most peaceful option, and if the monsters say it isn’t sensible, I will point out that peacefulness is very sensible.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The eight hour bus ride that felt more like eight days. Featuring a drunk Loud Talker regaling the woman next to him with his life story for the entire, a nine year old who thought banging on the window was a fun way to pass the time, and the Somali teen next to me who gave a fascinating albeit distressing three hour long monologue at top volume into his phone, recounting the street skirmishes he and his friends are regularly involved in. A breath for now knowing that I don’t want to be on a bus for eight hours.
- Still in between in so many ways. I mean, okay, when is one not in between. But this sabbatical time is big, powerful stuff, and sometimes that can make everything a big wobbly and woozly, which is a word that should be a word. A breath for the superpower of Transitions Are Doors And I Am Great At Doors.
- Four days back in Portland after sixty days away was bizarre and extremely disorienting. Both the city part, and then Portland specifically. A breath for this.
- Five, yes five, different unpleasant experiences related to people crossing boundaries. And then watching myself flub this so hard (in the opinions of — and as narrated by — the Monster Chorus). I just went into my patterns, and either removed myself from the situation or gritted teeth and got through. By the time I got around to actually setting a boundary, I was too upset to be able to do it gracefully, and one person got to be the recipient of the total sum of my upset feelings. A breath for the ongoing study of all these fascinating mysteries of life, and for remembering compassion for me. This stuff takes time to unlearn, and that’s okay.
- [Silent Retreat]. A breath for meeting myself with love.
- Missing my lover. A breath for presence.
- Apprehensive about some future ops. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Not sure how I would have made it through the eight hour bus ride without the lovely kind-hearted people of Twitter. Thanks to everyone who talked feminism and mother’s day and played word games and shared travel stories. A breath for virtual companionship.
- A lovely coincidence meant I got to attend Waltz Brunch this week, a unique, eclectic and not-like-anything-else monthly event which happens to be my very favorite thing in Portland. Danced for three and a half hours, and smiled my face off the entire time. A breath for floating, for play, and for joy.
- I shared my experience of feeling disoriented with my friend the Vicar, and he said, “Well, we shifted everything two inches to the left while you were gone. That’s a lot of it, I suspect. It was part of the Portland Sinister Slide Street Festival.” This cheered me up immensely, because it’s ludicrous, and also it actually helped. Every time I felt a little off, I reminded myself that nothing is wrong, it’s just that couple inches of shift. Like what they say on planes about your luggage. Your Experience May Have Shifted During The Voyage. A breath for humor, perspective, and things that are deeply reassuring even though they make no sense.
- Missing my lover/companion-in-adventuring was easier this week. Maybe because I knew I’d be in his arms again on Thursday? Or maybe because we had more access to means of communication so we could connect more than just checking in. Also, it’s kind of sweet and romantic that someone would travel through snow and ice and hardship for many, many, many hours just to meet me at an airport. A breath for connection, for sweetness, for joy and for Thursday.
- I did set a boundary this week. And in retrospect, I dealt with the other situations as well as I could in the moment, it was what it was, and now I have a better game plan for next time. And I am going to practice things that my monsters think are rude. A breath for wearing my crown, for trusting, for trying things, for being brave.
- So many good parts to Operation Adventures in Reverberation. I also learned something neat this week: the disgusting gel that dental hygienists use to polish your teeth contains aspartame. Well, that isn’t the neat thing, that’s horrifying. But the neat thing is that you can ask them not to, and they’ll use baking soda instead. This is one of those things I wish someone had told me but I’m glad I know now, and I didn’t get the usual dental headache. A breath for asking, for learning, and for everything about Shmita.
- Friends!!!! This is the main thing that is missing from life on the road. I got to spend a day with Jane! And a day with Marisa! And brunch with the Vicar, dinners and movies with Richard and regrounding rituals with Danielle. Plus dances and working out and seeing people I really enjoy. A breath for how important this is.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Thursday night dancing. Back in the beautiful boy’s arms. Trusting my instincts. I am a grand adventuress. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
This was a week of ideas and process, with a lot of research and frantic scribbling of notes and planting seeds for later. Thank you, Mission of Less, and fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Trusting In Less Is More, the superpower of somehow being magically glowing — to the point that I just threw my makeup in a bag in a closet because it seemed so wildly unnecessary, and the superpower of being Well Provisioned, aka Right Tool For The Job, which is the superpower I always, always, always want.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of Fearless Boundary-Setting As A Matter Of Course, and the related superpower of If Someone I Barely Know Aggressively Tries To Yank Me Towards Them So They Can Kiss My Cheek Because They Want To, I Aggressively Kick Them In The Shins And Maybe Apologize Later But Only If I Feel Like It.
The Salve of Beautiful Boundaries.
This salve is directly related to the superpower of Safety First, as well as to the superpower of I Take Care Of Myself First, which is the superpower of the month of May.
When I wear this salve, there is an extra buffer around me. It is palpable and sweet and no one accidentally wanders into me. I don’t even need to establish boundaries or worry about if this is even a situation where that could cause more distress, I just have these strong, beautiful, glowingly powerful boundaries, they just are.
I am visible to everyone who needs to see me, and invisible to everyone who doesn’t.
As it seeps into my skin, I begin to feel very warm towards the world: I wish everyone well, and then, as this happens, I am suddenly able to deeply trust that it is in their best interest — as well as mine and everyone else’s — that I don’t ever put up with things that are not okay for me.
This salve reminds me of roses: sexy, sharp, sweet, loving, protected. Abusers are allergic to it, so they wander off in a fit of coughing.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of autocorrect misunderstanding how co-working works. The band is called Cow Irking. Their latest album is called Oh We Just Irk Together. They play amplified fiddle versions of Bob Dylan songs at very high speeds, and as it turns out, it’s just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
Still Not Considering Becoming An Astronaut. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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Hello! I’m really glad you’re here. I’m glad I’m here, too.
It’s been a pretty good week for me, actually. I did far more volunteer work than is usual, and everything I had signed up to do turned out to be unexpectedly easy. I found a couple of items I had been very much wanting, for quite reasonable prices.
I did find myself falling into mysterious sudden aching moods, and I think that’s probably not such a bad thing. I’m getting steadily closer to a milestone birthday, and I want to do a lot of entry for it, and if the aching helps me remember that, well,good.
I am reaching out to all the Chickeneers,with love. I now invoke the superpower of rhapsodic reverberation… <3
The hard:
– a decade’s worth of trust issues sweeping up to the surface all at once
– learning that the person I don’t trust is actually me
– [silent retreat]
– a thing that I really want to play with has a cheesy name that makes me want to throw up
The good:
– [silent retreat], which I was very happy to learn, even if it did set off all my trust issues
– a photograph which, had it also contained me, would have summed up the whole of my adult life so far, and integrated that all the parts of me that look as if they couldn’t possibly fit together. Think the cover of Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, but just for me.
What worked:
– reading old diaries. Didn’t find what I was looking for (guidance on cheesy pukey name thing), but discovered that I had in fact already dealt with the [silent retreat in the hard] and so knew how to do that.
– the black drop-waist dress. I love this dress. It belonged to my mother in the seventies, and it is ancient and a bit faded and falling to pieces, and still I show up in it and the first comment is ‘You’re looking very glam’.
– see also red lipstick
– walking the same path again
And now it is Sunday!
The Hard:
Wanting things to be different than they are with that one thing. So much fretting and distress.
Feeling left out of family visits that no one tells me about but then sends me pictures from.
The Good:
Remembering acceptance, finally, and feeling all the fretting and distress fall away. This is how things are.
Asking to be included in the next visit and being enthusiastically invited and putting it on my calendar.
More hiking. Stronger body. Practicing acceptance there, too. And practicing non-judgment of the folks who didn’t grow up with parents who told them not to leave their trash on the trail. So much practice.
A day to be at home and perform the Sacrament of Putter, as Anne Lamott puts it.
Spent last weekend in Las Vegas. Normally this is fraught with all kinds of drain — the insane 24 hour go go go go party party party vibe has me crawling into the tub, turning on the hot water, and spending the whole vacation there.
But!! Spending time on the crowded dance floors learning to dance with my lovely partner has taught me the super(b)power of Dancing With ALL the People.
Walking through the casino, the flashing lights and ding ding ding became the lights on the dance floor and the music we were dancing to. The crowds all around me were people I was dancing with. It was no big deal to slide around the folks who had stopped dead for a convo, to slither contrawise to the family dragging the kid and their luggage, to be engaged but not drowning in the energy.
Just like on the dance floor. Floating and graceful, easily doing my thing and not concerned about others doing theirs.
Beaming light and gratitude for having accessed this level and opened it up. Feels like I slew the boss, and am ready to move on to the next challenge.
The Hard:
*Mixed feelings (including fear) around an upcoming ending. Wondering what comes next & having a hard time being with NOW + trusting that next will take care of itself
*Feeling overwhelmed and overloaded. Feeling like there’s too much “stuff” around me all the time, and like there’s too much to do… and nowhere near enough time to ‘Be’… especially to Be without guilt.
*The Teenager and The Little Dude are pushing all the buttons I have. Some days I just want to run away to a Very Quiet Place where I can be alone.
*Becoming aware of my patterns is kind of kicking my ass. I’ve known for a long time that I’m an emotional over-eater, but it’s gotten to the point that I’m ready to deal with it and stop. But, I love food, and I love to eat, and I’m feeling deprived and angry about waking up to this pattern and choosing to change it now. There are more moments than I’d like in which I find myself wanting to *not* be aware.
The Good:
*My honey helped me take The Mac apart and put in a new 500GB SSD alongside the 1TB drive that was already there. This baby FLIES again now. I am IN LOVE! (Photoshop opens in about 6 seconds flat now. Wooo!)
*The upcoming ending is also a new beginning and creates space for breathing and gathering energy that hasn’t been available to me in a couple of months. This is fabulous.
*Looked over budget for the remainder of the month & was pleasantly surprised. Things are not dire, as I’d assumed. A breath for releasing old patterns of scarcity and lack.
*My class starts this week & being on campus for the time it took me to pick up my book had me feeling absolutely giddy with the idea of being back in school. Cannot wait to get started!
What I’ll Try This Week:
*More writing. I’ve been having cravings for more writing and I have had troubles finding the time and energy to do it. A breath for ease of noticing the time appearing, even if in pockets.
*More presence. More presence. More presence. Always more presence. I am so much more calm and centered when I am present and aware of this moment.
*Remembering to use my essential oils daily.
*Naps. I didn’t take naps much last week & felt the difference both physically and emotionally. I needn’t take on any guilt around taking naps; it’s important and acceptable for me to take care of myself in this way.
Happy Chickening, all! <3
Sunday chicken, vive l’amnistie du poulet!
The hard:
– Ultra salty cashews in combination with alcoholic drink set off new bout of exzema around my eye
– So frustrated that after many months I have to look at the reddish circles around my eyes again
– All made worse by current relationship between him and me, all communication ends in a very short one-way-street
– We seem to be good at always finding a way for excuses not to spend too much time together
– Disappointment that even planning a holiday together is overshadowed by incompatible stuff
– Self-sabotaging everything I know about self-healing
The good:
– Neighbour from building opposite bringing me lots of little sunflowers
– Sunflowers an incentive to buy a few more plants and finally free balcony from hibernation look
– Sage, thyme, mint, oregano, basil, so much nicer fresh than dried. And the scents!
– Hydrangea suddenly growing lots of new leaves from the only stem that survived winter
– First breakfast outside, happy about all neighbours waving and shouting hello
– So much laughter in the office and being silly
– An unexpected compliment
– Taking it easy at work
– Saying no to a request at work that would have still got me spinning hectically just a few weeks ago
– Long walk with pleasant company
– Picking flowers
Hello, y’all. Hello, week.
What worked: Staying home. Sleeping as long as I needed to. Stocking the fridge with Cheerwine (a Carolina cola) for the houseguests.
Next time? Longer cuttings.
Puzzle: is there a safe way to use a broken havdalah candle? (Suggestions welcome.)
Frustrating, daunting, etc.
* ISO an [a]. Gut telling me not to hire the one we interviewed yesterday. A breath for patience.
* Gum issues.
* Iguana rampage.
* Landmine cha-cha.
* The one-shouldered top I’m wearing is very comfortable, but is not a good look (stained + insufficient coverage). A breath for letting go.
* Dog mess. *shudder*
Delightful, reassuring, etc.
* Presents and cards and treats!
* Campari with orange juice. (Thank you, past me, for making that pitcher of juice last weekend.)
* Bright new cyclamen blooms.
* The air heavy with honeysuckle.
* I am wearing a ring that used to belong to a friend’s grandmother. I feel loved every time I put it on.
* Tale of Verve finishing 2nd puts me at 3rd in the Smarty Jones Stakes.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
“I chose it because it was sensible. And in the end, there is nothing sensible about it.” Yes! The biggest mistakes of my life were when I listened to my head instead of my heart.
“I am visible to everyone who needs to see me, and invisible to everyone who doesn’t.” The salve of beautiful boundaries is the best! And “abusers are allergic to it.”
Doing the Friday chicken on Sunday is – disorienting. So few time markers, internal or external, are in place right now and time feels amazingly elastic. I have to look at the calendar and my journal to find out what happened this week, besides the daily thing of spending time with MrB and the important thing of going with him to his doctor appointments.
There was good news: he may not have to stay in the nursing home much longer. There was disappointment: twice I expected my sibs to return to finish the changes we are making on the house for when MrB returns home.
My mission this week has been about practicing self care. Recent efforts to establish self-care rituals were not taking hold, and I realized (in an “epiphanies are stoopid” sort of way) that some long-established practices that I had stopped doing were, in fact, the most effective and most self-caring thing I could be doing for myself.
This week I had the superpower of Knowing What I Need and Giving It To Myself.
Such a late Chicken for me! Breathing love to all!
All of last week’s Capers, large and small, involved Embarking on Beltania time. I did lots of Conscious Entry and Exit and wow, I feel absolutely restored.
There are so many moments of joy and challenge but this was the Best Thing:
I went with the SuperPower of The Map is Where I Go, The Treasure is what I find. And on the very last day, I found a Treasure Map a kid had drawn and left in the old roll top desk. It was on yellow paper and had the whole retreat center mapped out, with 3 landmarks ‘safe place’ ‘troll’ and ‘treasure. Heartsighs.
I was thinking a lot about this community while I was offline.
Oh wow! <3
omg Havi I cant even explain all the layers of Fractal Flowers at play here, but I got teary and thought of you soooo hard, with so much love.
Namaste, chickeners, I missed you all this weekend!
Woozly should definitely be a word. From now on, I’m saying it anyway!
Thank you thank you THANK you for this week’s salve, which I need so very much of….
Here’s to a wonderful week, may The Hard be nothing more than, ‘hmm soft or hard centre?’ and The Good take up too many pages for you to list it all <3 <3 <3
Sunday feels like the right day to Chicken, because this crazy week definitely started on Sunday.
The Hard:
— I moved across town, and all my Moving Monsters were totally freaked out. Also my Panicky “Now Is Going To Turn Into Then!!” Monsters have expressed deep concerns about pretty much every aspect of my current life plan. I may have to color some monsters about this.
— I desperately need a job immediately, and so far all I’m getting is rejection letters.
— Too freaked out about the money to properly enjoy the free time that comes with unemployment.
— A close friend is going through a really rough time. Wishing it wasn’t so, and that I could be of more help.
— [Silent retreat] about some really hard things. A breath for recognizing that this is not my fault, and that this is not my stuff.
The Good:
— Moving went as smoothly as can be expected. Don’t quite feel settled yet, but new place is good.
— I lined up references, wrote tons of cover letters, and applied to lots of jobs. I have a solid system of applying to several jobs every day, and I’ve been sticking to it.
— One of the things I’m working on right now is accepting that “close/good enough” really is enough. Made some progress with that this week, and it feels good.
Hello, Chicken!
::big chicken hugs for me! and anyone else who enjoys big chicken hugs!::
Feeling joy and love and happiness and radiance and alignment and All Is Well.
Feeling my heart exploding with gratitude for this day and this week and this month and this n.
Yes, yes, and yes.
Breathing for tangles, mysteries, sand in my shoes.
+Breathing for the Memory that came rushing back. Breathing softness and love and gentleness for the Past Me for whom that Memory was a Now thing. Breathing appreciation for the Slightly Future-r Past Me who hid that Memory from me until I was ready for it. Breathing for all the In-Between Mes who whispered the secret and built me containers and envelopes and force fields and safety nets so that I could remember when I was ready and not a moment sooner.
+Breathing for Dinosaur Canopy #1. Wow, that was hard. And wow, I am okay, and it was okay, and I planned out my backup plans perfectly so I knew where they were when the freaking out started, and I calmed down beautiful, and everything was fine, and we lived to see Dinosaur Canopy #2 which went much more smoothly. Of course! Because #1 was just a demo! Of course, of course.
+Breathing for Agent Eleison. Breathing sadness for his struggles. Breathing gratitude for his presence. Breathing love for the ways I learn to Be better by knowing him, by having him as my friend, by listening to him and not getting sucked in or blown away.
+Breathing for Banana Peels. Still here. Not as menacing as they sometimes have been, but definitely not showing any signs of vacating the premises.
+Breathing for [Lx]. Breathing for the me who feels this so strongly. Breathing for the monsters who have Very Strong Opinions about someone who is [L] when they do not want to be. Breathing for the me who knows the difference between.
+Breathing for the Zombie Miscalculation. Yikes!
+Breathing for [H]. Breathing for The Way It Is. Breathing for The Way I Wish it Were. And one more breath for good luck.
+Breathing for Indigo Rose. Breathing for the possibility that I may be closing the door to this by following my yes. Breathing trust that my heart will be okay.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Agent S. Breathing for what do I do if this is a thing?!?! Breathing for what if stuff with Agent M? EEK. Breathing for how Not A Big Deal this is.
Breathing for donuts, delight, rainbow hearts!
+Breathing for Operation Twinkle Toes! Breathing for all the successes of this mission! Breathing for how even the flailures were actually wild successes! YAY YAY YAY YAY and YAY SOME MORE!!!!
+Breathing for Operation Acapoctopus. WHOA. WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. Breathing for the me who absolutely has the superpowers of I Am So Ready and I Totally Got This that we’ve been heavily cultivating all these months since Festival Season began. Breathing for how totally fucking excited I am about this. WHOA.
+Breathing for Fire Circle. YAY Fire Circle! Breathing for the Fire Circle Banquet and the Chocolate Peanut Butter and the Totally Badass Secret Agent Squad. Breathing for the Space Travel and the Musical Notes and everything just YESSING ITSELF TO LIFE.
+Breathing for the Rogue Agents not coming to Mountain Fest. Breathing for the Big Fat Permission Slip that I totally get to have for being happy about this, because it’s Totally Okay for me to be happy to not have to deal with people who are mean to me.
+Breathing for the M+PShips being pretty cool right now. Breathing for I Hope This Lasts. Breathing for I’m So Glad It’s Happening Right Now.
+Breathing for Operation Orpheus. Breathing for the poetry. Breathing for the story, however it ends up getting told. Yes.
+Breathing for Trans-Health Conference. It’s so soon! It’s going to be so awesome! I’m so excited! TRANS-HEALTH CONFERENCE!!!!!
+Breathing for [N-GAP]! Idea! Idea! Awesome idea!!!!! YAYYYYY!!!!
Yes. Things are good right now. Breathing appreciation. Mmmmmhmmmm.
And my fake band of the week is: The Naked Sheet Music! Let’s hear it for The Naked Sheet Music! WHOOOOOO!!!!