Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Time to declare a State Of Emergence E.
Is it that time?
Oh, it is very much that time.
My body hurts, my head aches, my heart is unsure, my yes is lost, it’s a million (approximately) degrees outside, and while Wisest Me knows that of course Nothing Is Wrong, everything feels wrong.
This is useful, this is important, and it’s time for a State of Emergence. E!
What is E?
I’m not actually sure.
Ease, maybe. Effortlessness. Effervescence. Entry.
Things that have to do with lightness and intention. Things that are buoyant and transformative. Or at least, that’s my best guess.
Unless of course, E stands for Emergence as well. In which case we are declaring an emergency state of Emergence-Emergence! Which is okay by me.
Wh knows, maybe desperate times call for double measures, double cocoons, double chrysalis, double emergence. Emergence squared. Maybe.
What is a State of Emergence E?
Well, everything is off, like I said, and it’s scary, and urgent self-care is needed in the biggest way, and I really don’t like the word “emergency” because it makes me panic.
And panic is pretty much the least helpful thing right now. Panic is basically guaranteed to make everything worse.
Also panic is not good for when changes are called for. Change requires a softening, it requires ease. And E’s.
Huh.
So a State of Emergence (E) really means “things need to change, and they need to change in a way that feels safe”?
Yes. I guess it does.
What needs to change?
Body has been freaking out for five days. Working theory is that we got glutened in Sonora. (Why do not-good things keep happening in Sonora? That is a mystery for another day.)
But it’s probably a combination of factors.
That wasn’t the question though. Okay. Let’s see. What needs to change.
I need to be out of urban/suburban spaces and back in the beautiful, quiet and peaceful outdoors.
I need to stop saying Reluctant Yes to things that are really only Not-Completely-No, which as we already know, might as well be No. When I go with the Reluctant Yes, everything gets really uncomfortable fast.
Also I need to stay as far away as possible from reading depressing and distressing things on the internet, because right now I am taking on all the pain of the world even though that is Not My Job.
Mainly I need to get out of Fresno, speaking of Reluctant Yeses and Immediate Regret.
And what is regret if not a whispered wish in my sails: Change course, my love, this no can direct you towards yes.
What will help me in this state of Emergence (E)?
Huh.
Ginger tea.
Twelve hours of sleep.
A long bath.
To look at water or trees or water and trees.
To write to my body.
To write on my body.
Sage.
To look at the moon for a very long time.
Olympic levels of snuggling.
What else supports Emergence (E)?
Trust. Long, slow, deep breaths. Staying hydrated.
Conversations with people I love about how I want to live, and making tiny changes and adjustments towards that.
Making up old Turkish lady yoga poses.
Buffers. Napping. Even more time away from people (aka No More Socialize!).
What do I want to emerge from this state of Emergence (E)?
Acknowledgment that something is very off, and that this is good intel. Something needs to shift, steps need to be taken, this is an edge before an edge. Time to go back to taking exquisite care of myself.
And, at the same time, gentleness, reassurance, sweetness, permission, amnesty, legitimacy. There are reasons for this grand and glorious falling apart, even if I can’t remember what they are.
And comfort. I want to be comforted in the absence of whatever it is that is missing.
This feels like big loss, big grieving loss, like death, and I don’t know what is dying. So sweetness and comfort for every part of me who has ever experienced loss. Now Is Not Then.
This is a new letting go. You are okay, my love. You are held in this experience.
What else will help?
Get a massage. Investigate the mysteries. Access intel from Wisest Me.
What happens when I emerge?
I am:
More present. More rested. I trust my yes. I notice clues.
What clues do I have right now?
About five minutes after I got to the park, my body stopped hurting. Well, the pain went from an 8 to a 2. That’s a big clue!
Looking up at a tree from the ground slows my breath and steadies my mind. That is also a big clue.
Now.
I have my giant mug of ginger tea. A sparkly wristband from the dance I never ended up attending, which is probably a good thing.
Sleeping in the middle of the woods tonight, which is so much better than downtown Fresno, with the accompanying car alarms, drunks, motorcycles and early morning leaf blowers. State of Emergence (E!) was the right move.
E is also for emptying, and that feels like truth right now.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Emergence is a wonderful thing for someone who is finding her way back to yes.
Me: But what if my monsters are right and something is Horribly Wrong with me?
She: Hmm. Let’s see. 75 days ago, you left your home and your work and your life in order to wander the west with a boy whose plans change about every five minutes, and you’re figuring out what you want to do with your life, and this is all very big and confusing and a wild adventure, and then you did a bunch of No (for you, right now) things like gluten and cities, and you’re surprised when things fall apart? Of course things are going to fall apart. This is the most natural and normal thing that could be happening right now, and you are meeting it in the exact right way.
Me: Are you sure?
She: You love the edges, babe. And then you get to them and you want comfort and reassurance and steady anchors. Both of these are understandable and legitimate desires, and you have the tools you need to find your way through this.
Clues?
I wanted ginger in a form other than tea, but I didn’t have. Then we drove up a winding road with many bumps and giant troughs, and when we arrived and I opened the refrigerator, I discovered that the soup I made yesterday had spilled everywhere.
I had to clean out the entire refrigerator and every single thing in it, which is how I discovered that past me (who is a genius) had planted a bottle of ginger juice for this very moment. Thank you, past me!
The superpower of I take care of myself first.
The quality for May is REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first.
Hilariously I have been resisting this superpower and everything related to it, and yet, what is this week’s wish?
What is a State of Emergence (E) if not a bold declaration that from now on I am going to take care of myself first. Guess things had to fall apart a bit for me to get there, but here I am. Hello, superpower. Please reverberate in me until we feel at home together.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week aka Wish Balls Wish Bells…
So many wishes last week! Let’s see. I wanted my monsters to give me room to wish, and it worked. I wanted more time in airplane mode, and that happened too.
Still looking for delicious cheese or cheese-like recipe and am still looking. Will make paneer as soon as I am near the kind of hippie city where I can get milk in glass bottles. Ah, Portland, I do maybe kind of miss you.
Bulk food has been easier than expected, Access Secret Learning is going well, I wanted to be a bell in Fresno and what I learned is that I needed to not be there. But I was able to enjoy two dance workshops despite feeling awful, and that is something too.
The pole dancing wish is still planted. Ha. Planted a pole. Also had an insight about the cod liver oil which is that physical level treatments rarely work for me, and I need to approach from the emotional level.
Found someone else who is both anti-plastic and pro-corn-tortilla,and am now utterly obsessed with her gorgeous and thrilling no trash project blog.
And I wanted more Putterday, and this whole week has basically been one long putterday. Cooking, cleaning, messing about, good stuff.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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State of Emergence E? I am right here with you.
Update from last week: life with the silver chariot has been pretty good so far, and I’m thankful for that. Now I would like to delve more deeply into my other wish from last week, and let ease and comfort flow there, too — along with emergence. And purple palazzo pants. Yes. <3
E is my secret name!
I’m not quite sure what I’m wishing for this week. I have had so many things bubble up over the last couple of weeks that I’m feeling quite whelmed by it all.
I would like:
– time and space to assimilate all this new intel
– to make some progress on the mermaid project (I can see exactly why it has stalled while all this sorts itself out, but I really want to get moving again)
such beautiful wishes!
I am Starting My Book. I dont have a proxy for this caper yet, but i juts lit the candle and i know this is about ritual, presence, devotion, commitment and pleasure and Practice. i have Allies and Guidance. I have to over come a lot of my own resistance as well as fgure out systemic support. A woman who is a Beacon for me in this regard just completed her book in very lil time by (among other things) asking for support, doing ritual, and taking a retreat from dharma. all of these have sparked my thinking, how can i support tgis project, what changes can be made in alignment with this intent.
WIW: Time. Space. Commitment. Strength. Openess. Play. Receptivity. Listening. Practice. Play. Integrity. Unexpected good surprises and support. Conscious entry and exit. All things support this, and this work supports all things. I know what to do next.
WTCW: there is a certain amount of ass in chair i have to do right now, but the emotional/magickal onnection here is a vital part of the work, it is the work.
ICT: I need to discover/create:
-designated time & sace for this
-a Bosun and Bosun’s log
-desiganated zip drive for
-practice 5x per week
-which means evening praxis has got to land. not just a lil sleepy yoga or a dream protcol, actual Evening Praxis
-Allies and Guides! I ahve so many
-fidn the community
-mke time t finish the inguna because they weigh on my heart
Today, I commit to reading the text and rewriting a timeline, in ritual space. i can do that.
Sending lots of sparkles for being anti-plastic-and-pro-corn-tortilla! (could this be a band or at least an album?)
My wishes –
* A crazy week-and-a-half ahead of me. My wish is to dance it away!
* Creating nice summer meals to take to school.
* Staying intuitively open, because that’s only the difference between feeling happy and feeling lost…
* Summer skirts and summer pants! Apparently I don’t really like pants. So – summer pants I will like 🙂
Progress report from last week:
I wished to make progress toward settling into my new place by stocking & cooking in my kitchen. What happened instead was unpacking & working in my art space. Super happy with progress there, and re-seeding the kitchen wish. Wish for art time totally happened, and was amazing. Rest & burnout recovery is also going well. More of this, please! I also wished for a job, and I have an interview this week!
Wishes for this week:
— I wish for successful interview clothes shopping (great fit, polished look, easy on the wallet, please!). I want to get my nails and hair looking their best. And I want to rock this interview.
— I wish to get this job, and for it to be introvert-friendly and artist-friendly and to come with the best co-workers and boss-type people. I want it to be a force of calm and stability and financial abundance in my life. May it be so!
— My body needs a ton of rest this week, and I haven’t been sleeping well. I wish for lots and lots of deep, peaceful, restorative sleep. I want sleep and fluids and Not Doing, and I want to not feel guilty about it. I wish for the wisdom of cats – to know that unemployment means that sleeping in sunbeams is currently my full-time job.
Hurrah for treasure from Past Mes out of messes!
What I want:
* safety at and through intersections
* safe and effective treatment of infections
* to rebuild my studying and cycling and lettering mojo
Clews:
* NYT feature on older women artists
* Madrid
* my tarotscope
What might help?
* accepting sunk costs as experience taxes and contributions to the greater good.
* more sleep. in fact, bedtime now.
warm wishes to all y’all.
What do I want? I want to faithfully accept myself like I do my dog, my daughter, my partner (list starting with the easiest) – even more so, even deeper, if that’s possible. Because that’s accepting reality, which is necessary to have a chance of encountering it, in order to love it. Accepting myself untangles at least my ashamed suffering about the fact that I’m suffering. It’s hard! I even find it hard to accept that I find it hard to accept myself. I blame words, with their illusion of permanence, certainty and solidity. I also blame my inbuilt self-centredness, forging paranoia, messianic vision and everything in between. While I’m at it, I’ll blame my cultural training (rational but irrationally discounting emotion), mixed with my sensitivity. (Blaming is satisfying! I actually feel better.) Know yourself, says the sphinx. This is the scary part of acceptance. But it’s okay when knowing is actually feeling in being, or some other word I’m sure exists in a spiritual vocabulary. So, I want to remember to accept myself.
Amen to all of this <3
Thank you! 🙂
One of the most important superpowers I have acquired is the power to change my mind about something and that be ok. Pudding, outfit, job, partner… No more hanging on to something because I made a decision and now I’m going to stick to it, oh no. Nothing is a mistake – there’s something to learn in every situation, even if it’s that it’s a definite NO. There doesn’t have to be regret, just better self knowledge…
This week we’re addressing the do we actually want to get a dog question again… Looking like it’s headed toward a big YES :0)
Exciting – a new companion, a new friend. Fingers crossed this one stays a YES.
Just “Thank you” for this post. I simply came at the right time.
What do I want? Learning to dig out my wishes despite of guarding monsters. Being strong enough for that. Recognizing and accepting my current state of mind of confusion. Learning to see my wishes as empowering, life-improving, important things that serve me well. Resting and taking care for me to re-charge enough. Learning to accept that it is hard sometimes, because of the fact that I am who and how I am. Learning to accept that learning will never stop.
What beautiful wishes! I identify with all of this so much. Thank you!
My body is sending me a message in the form of severe pain from my right foot (always the right side of my body). For weeks I’ve been attempting self-help and putting off calling the doctor. But it is now throwing off my gait and hip and will prevent my backpacking trip that I want to take. So my wish is for the doctor to be able to help me, and for me to be able to get some clews about the message.
I also want to play with halvsies this week – half breakfast instead of whole, half walks instead of none, half as much netflix, and half hours of writing.
Havi, thank you for “state of emergence E.” I think it will help me at least as much as that thing about the Chinese symbol for crisis being the combination of “danger” and “opportunity”. Maybe more.
And I think “get out of Fresno” makes a grand proxy for leaving a place where I don’t belong.
I’m having trouble figuring out what I want or how to say it, or something. I have a lot of wishes; there are a lot of things I need; and maybe the first thing to wish for is the ability to identify what those needs and wishes are.
Earlier this month I wrote a list:
1. tea.
2. sleep.
3. creating.
(I firmly believe this is the best use for sticky notes.)
At the end of reading your post, I just realised that I have an abundance of all three in my life at the moment, without even trying. Yay for ease!
Yay for ease and sticky notes and abundance of everything you want without even trying! DELIGHT! <3
Wow, what beautiful wishes from everyone!
My current big wish is to really revel in the superpower of I Take Care Of Myself First. I’m not doing it at all and nothing feels right. 🙁