Personal ads. They’re … personal!
♡
Asking.
The past twenty four hours have been — for me — tumultuous, messy and full of upheaval, both internal and external.
I am feeling fragile, vulnerable, raw, unsure.
So, I am scrapping the post I’d been writing, and coming back to the grounding ritual (yes, it is a ritual that is grounding, and also a grounding-ritual) of coming here to find out what I want.
I need something more stable, more contained than free-form exploring, so I am just going to ask and keep asking the following questions:
- What do I want?
- What do I know about what I want?
Ask and keep asking. Here we go.
What do I want.
A new foundation.
What do I know about a new foundation?
I love double-meanings, and foundation is full of possible meanings.
A new foundation could be the literal foundation to a building, to a particular building I know of whose foundation is crumbling.
A new foundation could be metaphorical/symbolic grounding for me, a new way of being deeply connected and beautifully anchored.
A new foundation could be about being luminous. I don’t wear foundation, and I hardly ever wear makeup at all, but something about glowing, about a protective layer of light, yes, this speaks to me.
A new foundation could be an organization. Maybe it’s my new cover story: I oversee a foundation, yes.
A new foundation is kind of the best way to describe the work I’m currently doing with my hypnotist, healing backwards, both horizontally and vertically, through time and space. Destruction and Uncreation. Retroactive rebuilding. Replacing my foundation of trauma with a fountain of light.
Maybe my new foundation is being able to dance in particles of light, letting the ground reconfigure beneath me, who cares, I am always grounded in light.
What do I want.
Relief.
What do I know about relief?
Yesterday I went to a place that I no longer visit, and while I was there, a spider bit me on the inside of the wrist, exactly in the place where my lover kisses me.
The bite is huge, swollen, distracting, uncomfortable.
Relief is whatever is the most soothing, the most comforting, the most predictable in the sense of steady and reassuring.
I want relief in the form of loving and tender words whispered in my ear, spells cast in the form of beloved fingers writing words down my back.
I want relief in the form of healing. I want a sweet subsiding.
Relief can also mean financial relief. Relief can also mean someone taking over your duties so that you can rest. Relief is that wonderful exhale when you realize (or, sometimes: remember) that you are okay, that the people you love are okay.
There is relief in sculpture, the way something projects out from the flat surface, and there is relief in baseball when a new pitcher — the reliever — comes in. A reliever. I’ll take one of those please.
What do I want.
Home base.
What do I know about home base?
It’s part of my new foundation.
What do I want.
Clear-eyed trust.
What do I know about clear-eyed trust?
Let’s remember, my love, let’s remember:
Whenever we find something that looks like a pattern but it makes us feel bad, that’s a story we are creating (with the help of Scared Tiny Havi and maybe some monsters) about the intel at hand, and not the actual useful patterns.
Let’s look at the information without needing it to form a narrative about how I always get hurt.
What do I want.
New foundations made of light.
What do I know about new foundations made of light?
New foundations are made of light, because the earth ones just crumble away anyway, and light can take any form we want it to.
What do I want.
To take exquisite care of myself right now.
And always. But mainly right now.
What do I know about taking exquisite care of myself right now?
In grief as it is in grief:
Intense loving self-care. Asking for what is needed. Letting yourself be cared for. Letting other people figure out the details. Getting close to the floor.
Being the best possible mother to me. Being the best possible mother to tiny me. New foundations of that.
Crying as much as is needed. Naming things. Being grounded.
Coming back to this moment. Letting go of more in each exhale: knowing that exhaling is treasure. Taking in more light and love in the inhale, because each inhalation is treasure.
And: one fucking step at a time. That’s how trust works, right?
Though sometimes it also works in leaps and bounds, soaring like a trapeze artist, landing like a panther, all grace.
What do I want.
New forms of grounded. New forms of flying.
New ways to be tree and bird.
What do I know about new forms of grounded and flying?
When I was young, I used to have dreams about being kidnapped.
Young: as far back as I can remember, all the way until I left home.
In the dream, he was driving down my street, and I hid in my house, but then my mother, or, later on, my grandmother when she was living with us, invited him in.
I wasn’t able to explain that this person was dangerous, or maybe they refused to believe me.
I would duck out the back door, but he would find me, and I would run, but I couldn’t run fast enough, and then, sometimes, my legs would begin to bound, my feet would take off, brushing the ground and, with a few bumpy starts, I was flying above him and he couldn’t get me.
Sometimes he would still follow me, but I got good at flying higher and faster, at hiding until he gave up.
What would it be like to fly not out of fear but with joy, the way a trapeze artist flies.
What would it be like to fly the way my secret panther moves, each movement emerging from powerful embodied grace, the desire to move (not the desire to escape) is what sets me free.
What do I want.
A secret bolthole: a place just for me, a sanctuary.
What do I know about a place just for me?
It is small, compact, glowing, beautiful. Luscious Minimalism.
It is like a very miniature version of the Playground, the center I [verb-ed] in Portland for nearly five years.
Cozy, sweet, quiet, possibly disguised. Like a safe room, come to life. A parallel world version of the one that lives in my mind.
I can come and go as often as I like, and it waits for me, with love.
This is where I seed new foundations, where I practice walking through holograms of light.
Invitation.
You are invited to share many !!!!!! about my wishes and realizations here, to share anything sparked for you while reading, to say “oh wow, what beautiful wishes” to me and to each other, to wish your own wishes.
Now.
You know how, when everything gets turned upside down, none of the normal bits of life make sense?
Somehow it’s evening now, even though my body is telling me it’s early afternoon. And the thermometer says 90 degrees outside, but the house isn’t acting like that is true.
Everywhere I look in my living room, I suddenly see the color red where I didn’t notice it before.
What does Slightly Future Me have to say?
Ze: Remember the dream where you and Bella were riding carousel horses around the world, and the poles went all the way to the center of the earth, but you could go so fast because they were so stable?
Me: That was a good dream. I didn’t know her name was Bella then. So you’re saying that is an example of a new foundation?
Ze: I’m saying you have good allies, and that there are lots of cool forms that stability can take.
Me: How come I’m so good at being grounded and present for someone I love when they’re in crisis, or for me, when I’m in crisis, but then I lose my grounding so easily just walking down the street.
Ze: Because you’re hyper-aware of people who have erratic or possibly predatory energy, and because you’re still learning how to use your superpowers. Let’s practice remembering what grounded and present feels like.
Clues.
My dance teacher described a step as “digging a trench, but sexy”.
The superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.
June was RELEASE MORE, with the superpower of I am stronger than I think, and July was LOVE MORE, because this is a badass way to live.
Now we are in TRUST MORE, with the superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.
I guess that’s the best possible month for everything falling apart, foundations crumbling, learning about new ones. Trust more, and then trust even more.
I am ready to learn to trust the ground, or at least to trust in my ability to walk on tightly-packed particles of light.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week aka Trust Returns..
Trust did in fact return to me in the form of the beautiful boy, who came back from the mountains and into my arms. And in the form of going all the way back to the beginning in my dance studies and starting over. And listening to my body.
Thank you, process of writing about wishes. Thank you, me who asked.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
You can deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, seeds, secret agent code, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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Foundations of light — yes. That is beautiful.
I have some medical stuff happening this week, and I am wishing for good news.
Also, into the pot: peaceful days, restful nights, gentle transitions, ease everywhere.
Wildly confident, wonderfully tranquil — yes, please.
Ooo! I want to do a grounding ritual!
What do I want?
An altar. A place where I can light candles and which can hold symbols which are meaningful to me. I want it to be made of solid wood and to fit beneath my bedroom window.
What do I know about this altar?
It’s about the triple goddess on the back of my heart. Parts of me feel so desperately impatient about this, and yet I can imagine there’s a reason it hasn’t shown up in my life yet. Slowness could be related to the triple goddess timeline, some of which I know is not ready to land yet, or it could be related to the mission of granite grandfathers, on which there will be more intel next week.
Qualities of magic, power, mystery, connection, self-connection.
What do I want?
To be done with all this!
What do I know about being done with all this?
I will be on a plane Saturday morning basically no matter what and at that point aspects will be “done.” And I am very ready for my vacation to consist mainly of “who wants to take the baby on a fun adventure today while I nap?” Win-win-win.
I am learning to do the amount required and not more (especially in not creating busywork with myself as a drama to appease my anxiety), the importance of rest even on impossibly busy days, and calmness in the face of stress. When I think of the next few days in terms of practicing those things, they almost sound pleasant. And other than errands and my final tomorrow, there’s only one *project* left (well, for school at least.) What if this were an exercise in it being easier than I imagined possible? The two papers I wrote today were.
What do I want?
To be done with this impossible love of the man who not-betrayed me. Or at least to be able to drive through SE Portland without bursting into tears. Or any kind of movement or closure that can happen when one is still in love with someone who is even now involved in [not betrayal] and has been for over a year now.
What do I know about this?
I do love him. We are connected in a big way, and the cord hooks into my body, at least, at the heart.
My goal is to release cords and so that’s eventually where I’ll go with this one, regardless of chakra of insertion.
I am allowed to love without reason. Even someone who later attacks and hurts me. Even after they do. That’s allowed.
At my big release ritual, the only things that wouldn’t go were the ones not owned yet, and this was chief among them. So I can keep putting him on the altar of surrender, but surrender in this case means taking into me and not pushing away or releasing. Yet.
I know there is some connection with the mystery of the granite grandfathers and I know next week I’ll have more intel on that, so there is no big action to take, just a living as fully as I can in that experience.
There are always more opportunities for owning something and always more opportunities for release. This might be hella uncomfortable, but there’s no expiration date on letting go, no rush as long as I keep present. (Really no expiration date if I don’t keep present, either, but in that case I’ll probably have more pain for longer.)
My dreams have been especially helpful on this and I can ask for that to continue. Also the grid.
So. That is what I want and what I know about what I want.
So much love for these wishes, and all who write in!
In the past 2 weeks, lots of leveling up, lots of things landing, lots of release and also frustration for stuck.
White Flowers: tremendous progress. i am managing it finally, and able to stay WF most days. most imprtant, while i am compassionate when i fail, this step is so right, that not taking it is feeling more and more wrong all the time
Red Lotus: i have new things to study, the praxis is pretty strong and consistent, it’s about to get more formal.
Operation Paloma: Paloma, dancer-me, is having a hard time with how stiff my body is, and how tonite, i danced not great. a breath for that
So many things landing. so many things to come.
Thank you for this beautiful exploration. Especially thank you for “What do I know about taking exquisite care of myself right now?”
“Being the best possible mother to me.” I was a good mother; I have been told that I was the best possible mother to the Boomerang Boy. One of my ideas about self-love is to do for myself the things that I would do for a dear friend or for my husband. This is my wish: to be the best possible mother to me, to do for myself what I would have done for him – not the exact same things but from the same place of love and understanding.
Saying goodbye to the Boomerang Boy feels complete now (though there will be more tears and grieving). The thing that others think I should be doing is a thing that I don’t want to do. I’ve always been clear on that. I want to be able to explain it to them, not because I owe them an explanation but because they love me and I want them to understand. I have formulated a short but complete answer, and now I wish to remember to use it.
I want to continue to let decisions make themselves, and to be receptive to them once they are made.
Tomorrow I will have an unusual Day Off, or part of a day anyway, and I will be Home Alone. I don’t know yet what I will do with the time – that is a decision that can make itself if I let it.
<3 heart-of-love
What beautiful beautiful wishes.
What do I want?
-some clarity on what I want
What do I know about clarity?
-It comes in the quiet or joyous or expansive spaces where I do not feel the need for defenses or distractions
What do I want?
-To feel safe and comfortable in my own home
What do I know about this?
-I need to create it for myself because there is no way in a home with my parents that I will ever feel 100% safe in myself. What do I do with this? Not sure. Hide more, probably.
I wish I could create space and decluttering in my home with a sweep of my hand, no hard grinding work needed.
I guess I’d better take my time with it.
I practiced Extreme Self-Care this morning, deciding that my inability to get up this morning counted as a legitimate need rather than Laziness or whatever other epithet my monsters might want to throw at me. So thank you Havi for that concept, because I needed it.
And then large portions of my day got derailed with caring for my niblings, whom I do care about, but I need my own space, I crave it, I want to work and rest and play in my own time on my own terms. If I share my space, I want it to be intentional not obligational.
I’m just going to put those feels out there in the universe and hope that something comes in.
Amen to inability to getting up being a sign of Legitimate Need. Here’s to remembering that always.
(My monsters are always like “oh great it’s probably clinical depression and now you’re going to be in bed for three months AGAIN unless we panic and force you to get out of bed!” but when I remember that it’s actually my body telling me how to take care of it, then I just get to take care of my body, and that is so beautiful, and then everything is okay. Heart-sigh for this internal process of retraining!)
And: It is a privilege to get to witness anyone practice this, and that is a good thing for my monsters to remember too, so thank you for that. <3
Foundation of Light. So beautiful. So solid and hummingbird-wings all at once.
When I was five or six I used to have a pink raincoat that made me feel like I could fly when I flapped around in it. Reading your Wowza wishes reminded me of that; thank you!!
And the word ‘grounding’ keeps wanting me to play. I’m not sure how. All I know is it’s a Royal Quiet Deluxe typing-typing-typing-Ding! kinda thing. Groun-ding. Grown Ding. Grow-n-ding. Hmmm. It may be I just like the Ding!! (and especially the Havi Bell Dings … thank you again for sharing your amazing wishes and heart!!)
Mmmm! Ground-ding! Typewriter sound effects! That feels so good to me, and seems so perfect. Thank you. <3
I’m at a crossroads in life, and have to make a decision in the next few days about which path to pursue for the next chapter of my life. It’s a tough decision, which is why I haven’t made it yet. Both choices will be difficult and chaotic and scary and require giving up something wonderful in order to get something else that may turn out to be good.
One of the interesting things I’m noticing about this is that I wasn’t completely aware of all of my feelings about this choice. I had thought that it was a “If [certain conditions were fulfilled], I’d do it in a heartbeat, no doubt, no hesitation” kind of situation. Then those conditions were abruptly fulfilled, and suddenly I’m baffled to find myself upset to the point of complete emotional overwhelm by the doubt & hesitation I’m feeling.
I want clarity. I want to get into the right mindset to make the best decision. This will mean lots of physical and emotional rest. Quiet, solitude, contemplation, journaling, and analyzing logistics. Lots of permission, and deguiltifying. Letting go of Shoulds. Acknowledging that I am the captain of my own ship, and that I set my own course.
I also want perspective. I want to remember that even though I have Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about this, either path that I choose will probably turn out at least approximately okay eventually, even if it ends up being a mistake and not working out at all in the short-term.