Personal ads. They’re … personal!
Here we are. Week 320 of wishing. Welcome. Let’s do this. ♡
Standing in my strength.
I want to stand in my strength.
I want to do this cleanly, easily, powerfully. With presence.
I want to stand in my strength, fully self-contained, at ease in myself and at home in the world. Conscious and free.
Like the most nonchalant panther. Like the steadiest and most loving tree.
How’s that for a big wish.
How did I get here?
This past week has been all about challenges to my boundaries, which you could also call opportunities to stand up for myself, speak my truth, and adjust my crown.
I was sitting on my couch yesterday, feeling both frustrated about how not fun this is, and baffled by why all of a sudden I’m being put through sovereignty bootcamp, because I didn’t remember signing up for this.
Except it’s on the calendar.
In that moment, I looked up at the Fluent Self calendar on the wall and realized this is actually the perfect time to be learning and re-learning these skills.
This the last week of the month of Trust More, and when I flipped the page to peek at what’s next, here’s what I found in September, the month we’re about to enter:
Stand in My Strength More. Superpower: Fearless Intentional Choosing.
Yeah! Oh, and the image on the calendar is a crown.
So. Here we are.
And how convenient is it that the thing I want most right now also just so happens to be what past-me put on the calendar for me.
This is the transition time. The bridge.
So this is a wish about easing into standing in my strength. It is a wish to learn more about the relationship between trust and sovereignty.
It is a wish about taking everything I have been learning about trust — trusting my instincts, trusting the ground, trusting my ability to advocate for myself, trusting my ability to hear and receive my decisions — and letting that be the new foundation for standing in my strength.
What does it mean to stand in my strength?
To be like a bridge, to be able to sway and withstand earthquakes and high winds through being able to move with them instead of tensing against them.
In a way, it’s like TRE (Trauma/Tension Releasing Exercises). Trembling and tremoring your way into stability. Seems so counter-intuitive, but when you can release, you are more stable.
So this standing in my strength is not locked down. It is soft and pliable. It is aikido. It is the essence of be like water.
It is grounding and freedom. It is grounded freedom.
What do I know about standing in my strength?
I have seemingly endless Ludicrous Fear Popcorn and monsters about this.
So let’s just name the fears, and ask Wisest Me to remind me of the truth here, we can process this more later. I am feeling afraid that if I stand in my strength…
What am I afraid might happen?
Fear: Maybe people will misunderstand me and be hurt and offended.
Wisest-Me: Maybe. Not likely, because staying grounded will help us with clear, clean, compassionate communication.
If they do misunderstand though, that’s their stuff. It’s not our job to protect other people from feeling their feelings, it’s their job to work through their reactions. Our job is to be a clear, resonant bell, a conduit for source: to fill up on and radiate love and steady truth. It is safe for us to trust our kindness and good intentions.
Fear: Maybe people will want to test me all the time.
Wisest-Me: Right now they’re doing that anyway. And maybe when we are standing in our strength, they’ll realize they’re wasting their time.
Fear: Maybe people will envy me or hate me.
Wisest-Me: Maybe. Again, their stuff. Not ours. And: maybe you’ll be a beacon for them, bringing more light to all the ways it is possible to be in the world, maybe you’re blazing a trail that lots of amazing people are looking for.
Fear: I don’t really know what I’m afraid of, I just have this uh oh feeling about being that powerful and glowing that hard.
Wisest-Me: Mmmmm. That sounds very reasonable and understandable, given that our entire culture has socialized us to turn down our glow, because it doesn’t serve the structures/powers that be to have people being true to themselves.
That’s why investigating our wishes and getting close to desire is such a deeply subversive practice. This vague fear of “this is something we shouldn’t be doing” is actually Internalized Oppression.
So let’s remember that internal decolonizing is hard work. Just doing things like owning a company and being the one in charge and writing wishes, all of this is already going against our lineage, training, the brain-washing of our entire energy system, everything we’ve been told in life.
How do I feel thinking about this?
Stronger, actually.
What will help me with this wish.
I think all the things I am already doing to support the August mission of Trust More.
Rest, taking exquisite care of myself, listening to my small desires, creating safety for myself, advocating for what I need, especially when it comes to how I learn.
More pausing. More listening. Reducing input. Reducing visual noise.
Reflecting on my day and noticing what is upsetting me, if I am stirring any stew pots and making stew I don’t need. These are places that need me in my strength.
Asking for help, and calling on allies in all forms. For example, people in the dance community who also care about changing the culture. And also allies in the forms of qualities, superpowers, the secret salves that we invent here.
What else is this wish about?
It’s time to learn how to unapologetically take up space. It’s time to be way more at home in myself.
This is the intersection of Trust More and Stand In My Strength More.
Anything else important here?
Anything can be a bridge. And I live in a city whose nickname is Bridgetown. I want to keep noticing all the support there is in crossings!
Invitation.
You are invited to share many !!!!!! about my wishes and realizations here, to share anything sparked for you while reading, to say “oh wow, what beautiful wishes” to me and to each other, to wish your own wishes.
I will also take all forms of EXCITEMENT and GLADNESS for this particular wish, and also clues if you have any, or good wishes if you don’t!
Now.
I am sitting in a favorite cafe that I haven’t visited in a year and a half, because it is the regular neighborhood cafe of my ex’s sister and her wife, and I don’t want to run into the ex or to be in a situation where I need to engage with that.
But it is a favorite place, and it’s where I want to be, and all week I have been working with the themes of Taking Up Space and insisting on supportive environments for me.
And this space is full of comfort and full of clues — in the name which is about both trees and homes, in the music playing, in the beautiful art (yes, watercolors of bridges), in the warm smiles that are here for me.
And I am thinking about [birds and trees], and how Portland, a place I have extremely mixed feelings about, is the city of trees, and also the city best known for Put A Bird On It. And how it is a port for sailing and it is land for landing.
It is good to be here right now.
What does Slightly Future Me have to say?
Ze: How perfect that the superpower of August is Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil, which turned out to be the secret to being Beautifully Anchored, and now that is what allows us to stand in our strength. Look at all the wonder that surrounds us. Endless overflowing gratitude for life! And for you, and this process which is bringing you towards me. Process is our bridge.
Me: Haha! Wishing is our bridge! Our wish-bridge! I am so excited to meet you and be you.
Ze: I know! Me too! Our whole collective of wiser selves who already know how to stand in strength are right here with me, we are all cheering you on and glowing courage/encouragement for you. Heart-heart!
Clues.
The logo of the brand of coffee sold at this tree cafe has a bird on it.
The superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.
June was RELEASE MORE, with the superpower of I am stronger than I think, and July was LOVE MORE, because this is a badass way to live.
Now we are in TRUST MORE, with the superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.
Trust is how I am going to find my way into strength, and standing in it.
Trusting that I have this strength already, trusting that I know how to stand in it, trusting that the world can handle me in this beautiful state, trusting that there is room for me, trusting that doing this benefits everyone I encounter. May it be so.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week aka Round house… ohmygod.
First I realized that I’d been unintentionally proxying two other situations in my life, without even realizing it. Reading what I had written about round houses showed me that I already had received my answers to situations I thought were baffling me.
Then a series of coincidences led me to search for a small unmarked studio. It was tiny and all white and reminded me of Berlin, and taking up most of the space was a geodesic dome. A round house!
How’s that for a clue? You can build a circle inside of a square!
My mission for that day had been Oh How Big I Glow, and so it is very interesting that I ended up having an aura photo taken. Do you see? My aura is a round house. I had a photograph of my round house — my own personal always-round always-house round house — inside of a round house!
Oh, and also a possibility opened up vis a vis an actual tiny round house for me. Wow.
Thank you, process of writing about wishes. Thank you, me who asked.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
You can deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, seeds, secret agent code, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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Just leaving a pebble here.
What a beautiful, amazing wish! I feel a whole lot of resonance. This entire month has been a transitional time for me — new work assignments, a busier schedule — and for me, moving through the transition with *trust* has been a revolutionary act. Simply setting the *intention* to do so has felt very new, and most extraordinary.
My wish this week is evidently a mysterious missive from a future me: I want to be more like hinoki. What do I know about hinoki? Twenty-four hours ago I knew nothing about hinoki, now I know that it’s a Japanese cypress, that its wood is considered sacred for its beauty and strength, that it is highly rot resistant, that it is often used in temples, baths, and Noh theaters, and that it has a wonderful lemony-ginger scent that is believed to be both energizing and calming. Okay, Future Me, sounds good!
Oh! How lovely your wish is! It speaks to me — some of my floors are done in “ancient cypress” and are darkly beautiful.
!!!
I have printed out the “What am I afraid…” section to tuck into my calendar. Thank you for the compassion and company.
How nice to open my email and find this blog post. So timely, so needed.
This day was not a day to be repeated. I agreed to do a thing that I knew would be hard, and it *was* hard.
So my first wish is to never do that again.
I also wish for medical things to turn out okay. MY medical things; I usually am preoccupied with my husband’s medical problems, and recently about my sister’s, and now I have some of my own.
There are a couple of things that the doctor has told me to do and a couple of things that I know from reading would help, and Inowanna and I still need to. Looking for perfect simple solutions to this.
MrB and I are on “vacation” (it’s more of a vacation for him; for me it’s doing the same work in a different setting) and I am wishing for a restful two days and then for an ease-filled return trip.
Heart-sigh for everyone’s wishes. May they all come true.
<3
Oh, this standing in strength wish is just so very beautiful! I have a heart full of secret whispering butterflies wishing this for you, and for me too.
Tomorrow I am going on an adventure into the wilderness near Bend with no internet or cell phone or kid or husband. I’ve felt this whole summer winding up for this, and now I am taut as a bowstring and worrying about it all – the drive, the hotel, my impossible food situation, the second drive, the whole encounter with myself.
So I’d like to do a compass.
North: steady
South: trust
Easy: guidance
West: receptivity
Center: love
Another wish:
My dear lord, what to do about Portland. I am also having such mixed feelings at the moment. And about my beautiful Purple House.
After a week in Michigan listening to trees I just feel so done. Done with all the thoughts and the mess and the roads and the cars and the people and all of it. I want to move to the country! I want to buy a small cheap well-maintained house and be done with all the janky bits and the broken parts.
So. Much. Frustration.
Future me: you don’t have to hold onto anything. This house or the stories you tell about it or anything. Let it all reveal itself to you in waves and let go.
Maybe this frustration is a clue and maybe it’s a passing cloud. It’s a passing cloud either way. Let it pass. Release more. And then more. You’ll be taken where you need to go.
Me: it’s scary.
Her: I know. And you can do it.
I love that East became Easy. May it be so. <3
This wish is incredibly timely for me – thank you.
There was a death in my family Monday, and even though I’m estranged from everyone, and it’s far away, I thought I could maybe go to go to the funeral anyway. In pursuit of making that happen, I reached out to my sister(!), and we talked for 90 minutes(!). Before I hung up on her.
She apologized(!) in a text.
I have not responded, and I don’t think I will. I don’t have to. We’re estranged!
I did not have Spouse to rely on throughout this process. Just Twitter. And yet, I… did not fall apart afterwards. I did not cry or have a meltdown. I’m not sad now.
I’m kind of amazed at the progress I’ve made during the estrangement. I set boundaries for myself, and then I enforced them. The end.
Revolutionary.
I am sorry for your loss. I admire you for setting boundaries and for standing strong.
Touched by your comment – heartfelt thank you. <3
<3
What a beautiful & timely wish.
Planting wishing pebbles for:
Perfectly simple solutions.
Grounding + Steadiness.
Remembering my crown.
Planting my feet and staying agile.
Loving + Trusting.
Mwah! To all the beautiful wishings. <3 <3 <3
Oh wow, what beautiful wish pebbles!
<3
What beautiful wishes!
Today I’m celebrating being here on ze blog and I’m feeling pretty darn good!
It’s because I’ve recently discovered a wish and made some progress with it:
To be home alone, in my own space, reconnecting to myself…
There is more here, but this has been so good.
My husband is away visiting family and so…I am all alone and it’s like the best thing that has happened to me in so long! I need more more more of this. But when he is home, it hardly ever ever happens.
How can I fix this?
Well, I could ask him to leave more often. I basically never ask him to leave so I can have my own space.
I could talk to him about these super important need that I’ve discovered…to have my own space and we could brainstorm ways that I could have it…
Because it’s not just that I want to be alone somewhere else, like getting a hotel room for myself or going to a retreat center. It’s that I want to be in my own space in my own home and enjoying myself there.
Why is this space so important?
Because I need to be able to be quiet so I can hear my own rhythm again. I need to tune in. I need to make friends with my space again. To sprinkle it with TLC and let it love me back.
It’s so so delicious being home alone.
With my cat. With the sounds of outside.
WithOUT the TV on. Dear God. The TV.
Giant TV, you are lovely and sometimes fun for movies, but other than that, you are the output of so much nonsense (cable!) that is filling our space with garbage. You and my husband are friends, I get it. But you’re not helping our marriage, that’s for sure. So we’re gonna have to have a talk – the three of us – when he comes back. Consider yourself notified.
So yes, back to my personal space and finding my own rhythm again — need, crave, want, must have, desire. Biggest wish right now.
I have it for the next few days and then…??
I am not so practiced in all the things I could ask myself about making a wish like this…but here it is alongside all the other beautiful wishes.
Thank you for receiving my wish. <3
Spouse was not available to me while going through my stuff because he was visiting his parents. When he’s gone, when our apt is just me, it’s similarly heavenly. Windows open, not the noisy fan he likes. No ‘white noise’ machine at night. No set schedule Monday and Friday nights. Go to bed whenever I want; don’t have to worry I’m keeping him up.
I also have not figured out how to have more of my delicious solitude without me leaving.
I wound up talking to mine while he was still on his trip and telling him how much I was enjoying this personal time. He was actually very willing to help me have it more often, and we came up with some ways that I could have it (and he could support me in having it), which was lovely. I also told him how I’d been so enjoying not having the TV on at all since he’d left. After he got over his initial shock (not once!?) he agreed that we could have the TV on less when he comes home. Win! He comes home Monday…and while I’m still enjoying my quiet weekend with the rain, I also feel hopeful that I won’t completely lose myself when he comes back. Have you thought about talking to your dear spouse about how you crave quiet, too?
Standing in My Strength = EXACTLY what I need right now.
I am extremely reassured when I remember that other people’s monsters so closely resemble my own. We are all encountering similar forces moving thru life, and responding similarly because we are all human beings.
HUGE <3 <3 <3 for the reminder what Internalized Oppression feels like… and what internal decolonization feels like.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 Yes! I find that reassuring too!
While also fantastically true that People Vary
Dipping my toe in the water. What is it like to be a commenter mouse?
Such beautiful wishes and pebbles and hearts!
The past several weeks I have gotten much clearer on my True Yes, mostly because of some kinda-sorta-okays and True Nos.
Lots of new skills and insights have landed, are landing. It’s slow but delicious and feels good. Lots of Ops, tiny lil steps in each, so no huge leaps but lots of movement in the right direction. Lots of intel from various selves and Future Me’s.
Still debating on a question, I even wrote out a list of pros vs cons, and each option had the same number of items. Without a clear right choice, what to do? I would like to ask the Commenter mice to vote! Would you choose A)familiar and nice weather but expensive, OR adventure and cheaper, but cold&snowy?
I would choose adventure & cheaper, but:
I am broke,
I love adventure,
& I love the cold.
…so take it for what it’s worth?
I would choose adventure! Unless I was feeling drained and needing rest. Then I would choose familiar.
If you’re still looking for votes.
I would choose the adventure, but maybe with a back up plan of warmth & comfort (like extra sweaters, and maybe hot chocolate, or soup, or other warm, comfortable things.)