Hello, Friday: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 387th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Asking what worked.
Each day before bed I made a little list of “today I learned” or “good surprises”, which helped me realize that actually a lot of things are working. And while I may not pause long enough to notice them, they’re happening.
This also helped me notice the beautiful sweet miracles that somehow get lost in the day, even the extremely unlikely ones, like the tailor who was able to fix my torn favorite pants in five minutes, right before the holiday and didn’t charge me. Thank you, treasure. Would you like to read part of the list?
- Clearing up the house while thinking about this as “removing static” from the radio station of my life.
- Having a terrific backstory (wildly untrue and invented in the spur of the moment) that explained my motivation for one of my current projects.
- Asking wise me what to do.
- Doing exactly what she said. Replenishing Glass of Water, Get On The Floor, Eight Steady Breaths. Did the trick and I suddenly knew what my next step was.
- Translating all incoming christmas wishes to mean “I wanted to connect with you and I am thinking about you!”, and saying, “Thank you! Festive wondrous everything to you too!”
Next time I might…
Ask wise me first.
Really, she knows what’s good.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Let’s Just Burn It All Down, Metaphorically That Is.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Twenty four consecutive days of rain, record-breaking amounts of rain, to the point that portlanders, aka people who generally like rain, are all starting to lose their minds. I had the advantage of having spent twelve of those days in the sun on operation ruby jewel, so I wasn’t around for the flooding, but yes, the cold and wet are getting old. A breath for warmth.
- So many things this week did not as expected, which wasn’t bad, it actually all turned out beautifully, I am just noticing that even at my most steady and full of trust in All-Is-Well, all the internal and external reconfiguring that are asked for when things go differently than anticipated, well, these can sometimes be energy intensive. A breath for the superpower of graceful adaptability.
- Transitions and in-betweens. Still no idea about what is next. A breath for safe passage and beautiful trust.
- The man who stopped me on the street and cut off my exit, the man standing in the middle of the street holding a giant stick in both hands and appearing unstable and angry, the men at dance whose hands linger too long, all the moments where men feel comfortable doing things that are uncomfortable, and are either mysteriously unaware of the immense discomfort they leave in their wake, or just do not care. Oh, and then I made the mistake of reading online about street harassment, which made things worse and not better. A breath for these not-fun experiences that are part of (my) every day reality as a woman, a breath for the near-constant fury I feel about both this situation and the general lack of acknowledgment that this is the situation, and a breath for change.
- My beautiful tree is gone and I am getting ready to leave my home and everything ends, and it is a lot at once. A breath for safe passage.
- The worst house-guests ever, who, in addition to all the things that put them on the top of that list, also inexplicably went out without their key and then pounded on the door at midnight until I got out of bed. Also, I was not particularly gracious about this, which I felt bad about in the morning. Either way though, I am done with ever having guests again, unless it is someone that I absolutely cherish. A breath for being done.
- Wanting to dismantle everything and not knowing where to start, and having the sense that 70% of my life is static. A breath for using the ground, like in dance, and for trust in right timing.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The incredible miracle that no one was hurt and no property was damaged when my giant maple tree pitched into the street during the wind storm. All the related miracles. A breath of deep thankfulness.
- Operation MONTAGE (my latest secret op, it’s dance-related but goes far beyond that) is the most transformative project I have ever undertaken, and I am finding it absolutely fascinating to observe what happens as I am in it. A breath for commitment to what I want, combined with warm loving presence and the willingness to change it up as needed.
- Doing my time with the void last week was powerful stuff, and this week I am out of my funk and feeling at ease with my life, even though yes, there is still no plan, and I’m exiting my home in a month. A breath for presence and self-treasuring.
- Speaking of self-treasuring, endless new intel about that, including the realization during X Marks The Spot that there is no need to search for the treasure, because I am the treasure. The only thing I need to do is treasure myself, that’s it. I also noticed that during the street harassment incidents, I felt annoyed but I wasn’t triggered. That’s pretty amazing, and I attribute that to the deep work that’s been happening during this mission of treasuring. A breath for getting to know what it’s like to be someone who knows (and remembers) how to treasure themselves.
- And speaking of epiphanies, week’s dance epiphany, combined with Operation Montage, has set off cascading dominoes of chain-reaction epiphanies. There are so many things my teachers say all the time — roll your feet, use the ground, spot your turns, keep your hand steady — and they all make sense, and sometimes I can apply them and sometimes I can’t, but this week suddenly I GOT IT in an entirely new way. As if my body finally understood on an entirely different level what these things mean. Suddenly all of these things are happening at once, and without effort. A breath of big big joy.
- Feeling positive and glowy about things, with absolutely no reason. A breath for this.
- Treasure in my life in the form of X Marks The Spot, sharing x-mess long-distance with a secret agent in Australia, waltz brunch, getting much better at cha cha and no longer being terrible at hustle, encouraging teachers, my wonderful housemate, the best hot water bottle, my luscious new sweater-coat. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life.
- Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
I received the decision this week to postpone Operation Shed Shed Shed and replace it with The Studio op. Interestingly I have still been shedding (that double meaning will never get old) via Operation Remove Static. Project MONTAGE and the 999 Mission are full speed ahead. Panther Time is good. Have a brand new plan for the Fountaining op. Sweet Honey is still on the back burner, and that feels okay. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for Wildly Glamorous Even In Sweatpants and Striding Towards My Yes, not expecting to get either of them because the former seemed impossible and the latter just scary, but actually both of these landed for me this week. The trick to the first was a combination of waking up with fantastic hair, and the aforementioned luscious new winter cloak. But then it just stuck around all week.
Powers I want.
The power of taking exquisite care of myself, the power of Standing Tall, the power of being (and feeling) powerful, fierce, graceful and beautifully embodied, panther-like. And of course remembering my invisible panther entourage who were instantly around me when the man in the street with the big stick was exhibiting erratic behavior. That feeling of “you really don’t want to mess with me”. I want that.
The Salve of Striding Towards My Yes.
This salve comes just in time for the usual new year’s bullshit that proliferates on the internet, when the finger-wagging “experts” deliver boring statistics about how many people “fail” to fulfill their resolutions, and how you should supposedly avoid being one of those people.
THINK ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND. You of a year from now is an entirely different person than you of right now, it would be completely absurd and unfair to hold that person, that amazing person that you haven’t met yet, to promises made now, and even more so to blame them if they ended up going a different path because their yes was a new yes.
We can’t know what their yes is. We can only know, if we get quiet and really listen, what right-now yes is.
So really there is no greater gift to future you than releasing/absolving any “resolutions” to do certain things and be a certain way, otherwise we’re just setting ourselves up to feel guilty for not following through on something that may not even be relevant anymore to our yes of the moment.
We can seed wishes, intentions, set off in a direction that appeals, but nothing is more important than making it clear to our future selves that of course we support their mission, whatever it might turn out to be.
When we commit, lovingly and warmly, to following the yes trails where they lead, this subverts all the unsovereignty and guilt that generally gets built in to this yearly cultural ritual, and we are able to let incoming-us be free to be who they are and want what they want, in the way that they want it.
If you’re wondering how we do that, when the game is so rigged, and external culture is so loud and so guilt-driven, well, that’s why we have the salve.
When I rub this salve into my skin, I remember to turn inward instead of outward, to hear my yes instead of cultural expectations.
This salve rearranges things at the cellular level. It gets me breathing more steadily. It helps me trust that as long as I am true to my yes, staying present with it in the moment and allowing it to move and change as it wishes, I am doing great.
This is a secret self-treasuring salve and it is made of permission, power, self-knowledge, presence and exquisite streaming colored lights.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
Write A Resistance
Their latest album is After The Juice, and actually this band is just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
The gorgeous and extremely magical 2016 calendars are ready — The Year Of Doors! — and I believe there are a few left. You can find yours here. The password: sweetdoors
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
*a sigh for your hard and smiles for your good*
This week, I made strange (to others) and controversial decisions, but they were completely made with Sovereignty and served me well. Then, oddly, as circumstances and relational dynamics changed, I adjusted some of those decisions… and both Worked Really Well! *surprise*
The Grim
~ struggling badly with Aloneness (compared with the deliciousness of Solitude)
~ taking Hard, Scary, Alone-inducing, Sovereign Stances
~ pressures to fit within the Rigged Game and fears alongside this
~ such painful Griefing
~ sensitive little physical being that shows me Things Aren’t Right by collapsing in a heap of pain and unwellness (because apparently I won’t learn unless the message is This Intense *sigh*)
The Magic
~ taking Hard, Scary, Alone-inducing, Sovereign Stances
~ surprises of Reconnection
~ The Sweetest Little Thing Ever, who just makes me glow with love and joy, and with whom we both seem to find Delight
~ choosing not to give gifts because of expectation (societal, familial, or otherwise), but giving gifts from the heart
~ embracing (or maybe just accepting?) not only my Sensitivity but also my Brokenness (as well as my Luscious Magnificence–but that’s far less effort!) and whilst not using it to behave badly, also insisting that this IS part of who I am/where I am right now
~ seeking out that which Delights me, even if it be’eth in the tiniest little things!
~ like your ‘Static Removal’, Havi, much Harmony and Alignment activity being undertaken within mine Sovereign Space (albeit with some crazy mess-making in the process, but knowing tis temporary!)
~ tiny spaces in which to unfold
Oh, what a wonderful salve! Thank you.
This week, writing down wishes and setting intentions really worked for me! I’m feeling very grateful right now.
*raises a glass to Chickeneers everywhere* <3
raising a glass!
Happy friday, beloveds, and cluck!
what worked this week: working thru the list, gentleness, accepting help
the sucks were few:
-worst of all, my transmissions going tits up on me as i drove home. threw a bit of monkeywrench into some of my plans, and caused massive upset and angry words at home
-which also led to really deep heartache til it was p[atched up
-i did not complete everythign i needed to do at work that i wanted
-(am i getting a xmas bonus? hmm)
-all the points of time that are deadlines, which cause me to be unable to fully relax.
-all the running about
the joys, were many:
– i got it done
-soon after the blow up, the husband and i were able to come togetehr in love and laughter, so grateful
-being able to have hard talk with my partner, also grateful
-sweetness
-we had a lovely holiday
-i had a lovely winter solstice and my girls were part of that.
-leaving for miami on monday which brings it’s own stresses but i am deteermined to fidn the treasure and joy
-dealt with many things that i was worried about today
-car issues have kept me at home, not the worst thing. had to stay home all weekend
-i am happy as incoming intel for 2016 comes in.
-my day planner pic for next week is a natural stone archway above a rough ocean, shining sunset light into the roiling water. A Doorway!
I’m feeling good as the year winds up.
Panther entourage!!! The *coolest*. One of the superpowers I’ve been working with this week is I Am a Luminous Queen Adored By the Universe – I may just have to add my own equivalent to a panther entourage to that. Witchy and powerful and sexy as hell!!!
The hard this week: Seeing my patterns, being in the midst of them, and not being able to catch what comes out of my mouth before it comes out. Also, relying heavily on a less-than-healthy crutch to soften the harder edges of large group gatherings.
The good this week: Seeing my patterns while in the midst!! Awareness already changes the pattern, and attention is a fractal flower. So is self-compassion.
More good this week (there was a lot):
– deliberate practice, feeling the benefits
– tons of self-care, feeling the benefits
– love and light all around
– friends, near and far; texts at just-the-right moments
Much to be grateful for, much to be excited about. Thank you thank you thank you, amen.
Samedi shalom, with hearts and breaths and pebbles and gratefulness.
What worked? Not staying up to (over)prepare for the trip that had to be postponed.
What next? More mise. It was really nice to put the casserole right into the oven, and it’s dawning on me just how depleted I am by the time I get home.
Biopic based on this week: One Photo into the Bin at a Time
Hard, irritating, draining…
* Monster chorus jabs and jabbering (“How did you miss that $2.50 coupon for the garbage bags? Why were you such a entitled 9-year-old about that dress? Can you not admit that C is behaving like D …”)
* Did I misread [e] or overstep [f]?
* The candle mess. Argh.
* Shoulder pain redux, and general weariness.
* Where have all the standard scissors in the house got to?
* A utensil I received flimsier than expected.
Good, encouraging, fun:
* Big sis and her girlfriend went out for
high holy daysChinese food last night in NOLA. She reported that the people-watching was superb.* The prep for the trip that didn’t happen needed to be done for other big stuff on deck, so yay for that.
* Yay for stockinette and rice on hand for new makeshift heating pad.
* The crazy Dutchman gave us stollen from Germany; the Persian associate brought to me a golden bag of Polish tea; I chopped peppers for the printer of Scottish descent as he made pizza on Christmas Eve. O delicious world.
* Reading about Hatshepsut tonight in a 2009 National Geographic someone put out on the sidewalk earlier this year and then revisiting an Elizabeth Peters novel
* Listening to Palestrina while chopping mushrooms.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Festive wondrous chicken! Yay!
It is Sunday. It is a waning moon. It is the third day of Christmas. It is therefore definitely a day for resting. I am not sure that I know how to.
The hard:
– old patterns
– the ghost of Christmas past
– too many people
– not knowing how to not do things
The good:
– expansiveness
– encouraging reports from the working party
– church as a means of GAFIAting
-0-0-0-0-0-
Great big festive wossname to everyone!
xoxoxo
The Hard:
The You Have No Friends Monsters were starting to chit chat outside the cafeteria. They were interpreting texts as “don’t come” and “we are here without you like we want it.” Then they start to rifle through drawers to find the streamers to hold the pity party. My gosh they are boring.
The Good:
The texts meant “please come” and then when I got there the people said “yay!” and there was much laughter and fun and belonging long into the night. And I love the energy of men, and the being in the place where we can say “when did you graduate? you know my brother?” and everything feels familiar, as if the edges are already worn down.
Took the tree down. Lots of space and no more needles.
I made pancakes this morning for the first time ever. They are one of my favorite things but restaurants always make them too big, and I thought they were complicated. But today I had tiny delicious easy pancakes and it was heaven.
New yoga mat. Heavy and grounded and a perfect place to take flight from.
—Sigh-inducing—
-Ohmygoodness, the cold, gray, wet, dark
-Me-who-won’t-trust-that-my-friends-are-my-friends: Really? You are STILL here? And where did you learn to be like that??
-Box Store Land triggered a foul mood
-Car, which I thought was still NEW, requires brakes & tires
-“money tight” and in general, the yuck aspects of Adult-ing
—Smile-inducing!—
-feeling proud of my clean toilet!
-playing host to wonderful friends who make our space and hearts GLOW with love!!
-warm things. blankets. tea. lights on the tree. lights in the room. chilly walks followed by warmth and snuggles. hot soup Christmas eve with neighbors
-magic study and a fascinating dream
I’m breathing deeply and radiating warmth and love to you and anyone it may reach.
Glowing love and sparkly festive-ness to all!
Omg omg Striding Towards My Yes is the best salve in the history of salves!
Hard:
– travel-related exhaustion
– seeing family and all the related translating, and how challenging it was due to all the umcomfortable stuff-bumping-into-stuff distortions. Alas, I might be quite the translating ninja in other contexts, but my superpowers grow so much dimmer so quickly around my family. A breath for being where I am.
– “compulsory” hugs at family gatherings. ugh.
– visiting graves of beloved family members and not feeling safe enough to cry
– the tiny sweet thing of a companionship we had with this boy is apparently not to grow any more as it turns out there’s another girl and an unplanned trip to Bolivia. If only relationship anarchism and radical sovereignity was the cultural norm. It isn’t, and I am expected to back off. Breathing peace for all of us, invoking sovereignty. I am okay and also this hurts, and also how am I so terrified of somehow hurting Another Girl?, and I know that I am not the villain here, or the victim (there is no villain or victim here), and releasing this distortion is a beautiful lesson, and also it is hard and scary.
– sugar addiction
Good
– goo-slathering
– family time
– steamed spinach, having a food routine, sprinkling cinnamon onto all the things
– flirting with boy who is now going to Bolivia with Another Girl was magical while it lasted, and after it didn’t I was a bit shook up but definitely not-heart-broken. I felt the tiniest pull to go into my stories about rejection and misunderstanding and being lied to, but it was very easy not to.
– I explained a coworker about my anxiety thing and what I wanted him to do to help, and it didn’t lead to any kind of Doom or Weirdness, it only lead to me being safer and better supported. Great piece of evidence for the Monsterlab.
Glowing love and sparkly festive-ness to all!
Omg omg Striding Towards My Yes is the best salve in the history of salves!
Hard:
– travel-related exhaustion
– seeing family and all the related translating, and how challenging it was due to all the umcomfortable stuff-bumping-into-stuff distortions. Alas, I might be quite the translating ninja in other contexts, but A breath for being where I am.
– “compulsory” hugs at family gatherings. ugh.
– visiting graves of beloved family members and not feeling safe enough to cry due
– the tiny sweet thing of a companionship we had with this boy is apparently not to grow any more as it turns out there’s another girl and an unplanned trip to Bolivia. And Breathing peace for all of us, invoking sovereignty. I am okay and also this hurts, and also how am I so terrified of somehow hurting Another Girl?, and I know that I am not the villain here, or the victim (there is no villain or victim here), and releasing this distortion is a beautiful lesson, and also it is hard and scary.
– sugar addiction
Good
– goo-slathering
– family time
– steamed spinach, having a food routine, sprinkling cinnamon onto all the things
– flirting with boy who is now going to Bolivia with Another Girl was magical while it lasted, and after it didn’t I was a bit shook up but definitely not-heart-broken. I felt the tiniest pull to go into my stories about rejection and misunderstanding and being lied to, but it was very easy not to.
– I explained a coworker about my anxiety thing and what I wanted him to do to help, and it didn’t lead to any kind of Doom or Weirdness, it only lead to me being safer and better supported. Great piece of evidence for the Monsterlab.
A hand on heart sigh of deep gratitude to you for the salve of Striding Towards My Yes.
“THINK ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND. You of a year from now is an entirely different person than you of right now, it would be completely absurd and unfair to hold that person, that amazing person that you haven’t met yet, to promises made now, and even more so to blame them if they ended up going a different path because their yes was a new yes.
We can’t know what their yes is. We can only know, if we get quiet and really listen, what right-now yes is.
So really there is no greater gift to future you than releasing/absolving any “resolutions” to do certain things and be a certain way, otherwise we’re just setting ourselves up to feel guilty for not following through on something that may not even be relevant anymore to our yes of the moment.”
Yes yes yes.
Over the holidays I got caught up in a lot of WUSIT situations, none of which I regret (they were the best choices I could make at the time and some of them brought deep joy, even if I was running aground without knowing it), but all of which resulted in my run-to-the-ground body giving up on me completely right on New Year’s Eve.
My ‘resolution’ such as it is is to listen more, get quieter, follow my Yes, say no to anything that isn’t 120% Yes. To follow the trails wherever they lead me and trust that it’ll be good.
A wondrous 2016 to you!