Hello, week: we are here.
It is a Sunday chicken because I moved this weekend and didn’t have access to internet, and also because all timing is right timing. Hi. It always feels so good to get here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 405th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What worked this week?
Acknowledgement and legitimacy. Hard things are allowed to be hard! Even if I am 99% sure they’re for the best, and even if they’re secretly what I want. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. I am allowed to cry over really, really good things too.
Permission to be having a rough time about the fact that I’m having a rough time when I’m having a rough time. Permission to be.
Next time I might…
I want to remember that when Now is reminding me intensely of Then, it’s not because now is actually the same is then. Nope. Now Is Not Then.
But I can imagine that this achingly familiar feeling means I’m getting an opportunity for a do-over.
So I might get lost in ptsd flashbacks, sure, but I can still commit to doing one thing differently. Any tiny little thing. It counts.
And anything at all that I do differently (including just noticing how much now is reminding me of then while whispering to myself that now is not then) — this is changing the video game.
No matter how I do this do-over, I’m doing it differently just through noticing.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of Crown On and Do Less, and here were the days:
New stories. Smiles for days. Rolling with it. Step one. Laser beams. Rooted in sweetness. Regrounded.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Dramatic grey-blue eyeliner will probably make everything better. The Havi Brooks story.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Sitting on a swing in the park in the pouring rain and feeling intensely lonely. A breath for this moment.
- Didn’t go dancing this week. Didn’t practice dance. Didn’t even want to think about dance. It’s like I feel so intensely passionately about it that I can’t go near it. A breath.
- I said goodbye to my home of the past 7.5 years. It was right. It was hard. A breath for doors.
- Sometimes I wonder if I’m being secretly filmed for a documentary about street harassment and the different forms it takes. This week ran the gamut from someone screaming at me about how they want me to die (they literally spelled it out: D-I-E! You dumb bitch, you need to DIE!”) to a polite creep in the park (“excuse me miss, you have a great ass”). I want out. A breath for safety.
- Things take as long as they take, and that is how it is. Worrying about logistics is a hilarious waste of time and energy, and that is how it is. Remembering these two very true things is sometimes easier for me these days, but sometimes I forget. A breath.
- An intense experience of Now Reminding Me Of Then, in a perfect storm of events that replicated an experience from thirteen years ago, including being “between homes”, a friend getting mad at me for [same bizarre unexpected thing as then], slicing my foot open when it got caught in a grate on the sidewalk as someone stepped in my path and I side-stepped, just like then, dropping my phone and breaking it just like then, and I don’t know what happened exactly because of course none of the actually bad things from then are happening now, but it was enough déjà vu, too many too-familiar things in a row, I was already back in the head space of then. So suddenly there I was in the too-hot sun: dehydrated and lost, sobbing and hyperventilating, in so much pain, and it felt exactly like then, except obviously then was so much worse, and I knew it wasn’t then, but there was a me who thought it was. A breath for past-me who went through hell to make sure we’d never go through that again, and we are safe now, but oh wow the memories.
- Time to let go of stories that are not true. This is big work. A breath for courage.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Sitting on a swing in the park in the pouring rain, barefoot and alive. Yes, I don’t have anyone to play with, but I have all my wild selves, and Incoming me, and all the past versions of me to love and care for, and I am free, and this is beautiful. A breath for freedom.
- Freedom and Passages were the theme of the week, with passover and moving out and full moon and earth day and paying off an old debt. A breath for doors.
- I am rewriting the stories. I am trusting each moment of being Redirected. My monsters are trying so hard to play their favorite game aka “You Are Failing At Life”, and for the first time ever, it is just one hundred percent not working, and I am having entire days when I am able to believe that all is good and trust in right timing, and be Marvelously Blasé about everything, and it is amazing. A thing happened that happens every few years and brings about intense shame and agony, and this time I was just like, “okay, this happened and I can take care of myself, nothing is wrong”, and that is exactly what happened. A breath of thankfulness.
- Intense sweetness from far away. I am trusting love. A breath in my heart.
- Many beautiful things happened this week. I am sleeping again. A lost friend came back and we sat on the porch swing and solved everything through writing haiku. There was bourbon. There were imaginary laser beams from the tips of my toes. I mostly felt good about life this week. A breath of joy and gratitude.
- A series of middle-of-the-night epiphanies, clear instructions from wise incoming-me, beautiful realizations, useful intel. A breath of appreciation.
- I am on an exciting adventure, and, more importantly, I am able to experience it as an exciting adventure rather than a repeat of the worst time in my life. A breath of thankfulness.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of insight, far-away friends who love me, close-by friends who offer help when I need it most, a really good plumber (not a metaphor, not a proxy), and things that are not exactly chocolate but enough like chocolate to make everything better. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
In progress: the Studio Op, The Fountaining, Wild Wild Nest, Operation Jubilation. Wild Montage and The Wild Convening are percolating. Thank you, fractal flowers.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of Equanimity, Motivation Returns, and some seriously Coen Brothers levels of exuberant, zany deus ex machina solutions to everything that needs solving. And actually I had some of all of that.
Powers I want.
The powers of boldly striding through the Door of X (yes, X is for mystery and also for kisses) with self-assurance and panache, ready for the wild adventure.
The Salve of Extra Panache.
This salve is made up of equal parts courage, confidence and style. It touches your skin and you forget to judge yourself. You forget how to judge yourself. You forget why that was ever a thing you did. You just do whatever it is you most feel like doing in this moment, maybe with reckless abandon, maybe with an easy smile. There it is, you now have extra panache!
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band:
Urgent Nap
Their latest album is Desire In The Flood Times, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
A breath for being here, and for being so glad to be here.
Hard: I learned something truly horrible, and I can’t talk about it.
Good: Successful clothes shopping. Splendid live theater. Delightful music-making. The return of the glitter gel pens. Comforting companionship at my fingertips, thank you, Internet.
Oh, and that salve is very welcome. I will apply some right now. Thank you. <3
Gentleness for the Hard; not being able to talk about truly horrible things is even more Hard on top of Hard *sad resonance*
But I can still send you Gentleness… and glittery things and Successful clothes shopping nad live theatre are also good!
Permission to be having a rough time about the fact that Exactly what I needed to hear today: 1)I’m having a rough time when I’m having a rough time. 2) Do-overs! 3) Video game metaphor.
So, I’m trying to get started on a Life Project, and it’s… not going well. Everything I try is a dead end. I’m pretty sure I’m overthinking stuff somehow.
This set of results mirrors every other Big Project. My monsters are also saying I’m Failing at Life.
And yet… I have more internal resources than I’ve ever had before. I’m more hopeful/determined than I’ve ever been. And I’m going to find ways for this to work.
Wow, our monsters must know each other!
*laughs at finding funny things–like social monsters–within the Hard*
This has been a week of Doing a Lot of Things, but I have still managed to do Less than I might have. It’s also in service to the prospect of doing Very Little At All in a place I love quite a lot, so I’ve been pretty okay with the Doing.
Sunday shalom!
Urgent Nap, oh very yes!
What worked? Choosing what not to say.
Next time: Wear gloves.
Hard, frustrating…
1. Itchy, itchy, itchy…
2. Things missed / missing
3. Shooting pain in my forearm, probably from repetitive stress
4. Bleach stains on a recently purchased dress. Dammit.
5. The monsters be loud, and they sure like poking at me when I’m trying to sleep.
6. Dear fashion world, when I ask about clothing that might best serve someone with low-hanging breasts, the answers are not plastic surgery, underwires, or duct tape.
7. Current mood: wanting to sleep for a week, then tend to my yard for another week…
Good, giggle-inducing, etc.
1. Two vasefuls of fresh flowers
2. My mad scholarship skillz are making a difference
3. Repeat clients
4. “Guerilla English country dancing” was proposed during a conversation
5. And one of the Monday night dances was very funny, even at quarter-speed.
6. A perfect tomato, straight from the vine to my mouth
7. Some iguanas coaxed into the car, with chocolate bars and porcupine tea (**not made out of porcupines)
8. The banquet of Ian McKellen photos and videos now online. Most recently (for me) the one where he and Patrick Stewart explain to Lesley Stahl the difference between Lancashire and Yorkshire natives
9. Window and doorways taking shape!
Warm wishes to all y’all.
hahahahahaha Havi
you need to STOP THIS
you need to stop doing this thing where you synchronistically write creepily exactly the thing that applies to me! HALT!
my thoughts are all over the place but:
and Thank You Part One for being here with us and being open and ringing the bell of quiet gentle truth that close to no one else in the noisy world dares to.
and Thank You Part Two for being the kind of witch that this kind of thing happens to so that you can do do-overs, because I suspect there might be a correlation there —
here is how I am also experiencing this deja-vu from literally the most painful point of my life —
1) finding myself in Seoul, again, with just a couple of suitcases full of possessions,
2) because I am homeless, again
3) because I ran away from a not-my-true-yes relationship, again
4) in which the not-my-true-yes-relationship carried the symbolism, the seed, of a thing that I truly desired and ached for, which I now perceive as having been lost irretrievably,
5) my heart is still broken into a thousand pieces, again!
6) the exact same time of the year, and man, early summer in Korea has this DISTINCT scent of humidity and pollution and also flowers and boy, here it is again and does it remind me of then.
7) staring at the mountain from my parents’ living room, yup, like I did then.
8) in the middle of all of this, I have a new fledging baby-winged tiny sweet thing of a dream and it is scared shitless. again!
9) all the same monsters that haven’t had a job for, what, 4 years? coming back out ENTHUSIASTICALLY to say all the same things they haven’t said since then:
— “you’re TRAPPED”
— “haha look how you had this great thing and fucked it up!”
— “yup, you’re never getting out of here.”
— “you are physically far from everyone and everyone will forget you and you will have no friends left in the US or in Europe. and people in Korea don’t get you, so yea basically you’ll be crushingly lonely for the rest of your life but DON’T WORRY your parents love you, you can live with them forever 🙂 ”
— “by the way everyone hates you. okay maybe not everyone but SOME PEOPLE and their opinions MATTER”
— “this broken heart of yours is never going to heal, and no, you’re never going to be loved again.”
— you fail at life!
10) crying in the shower and on the steps and in the bus and wondering when the tears are going to stop
except this time, there are also a couple of new additions!
— “you’re 30 years old now. really? this again?”
— “You will NEVER go back to Germany. You’ll never be able to pull it off again.”
umm
Except yes of course,
it’s different this time, due to superpowers acquired through years of dedicated study. (thank you years of Fluent Self-ing!). and it is a slightly (very?) witchy thing that I am experiencing here.
— there is a deep, deep, underlying calm and peace. (AGAINST ALL REASON!)
— even when everything implodes and my heart is shattered, there is a bell ringing the truth of “Nothing is Wrong” and I hear it and I trust it.
— most of the time, I am able to separate from the pattern of “THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THEN.” I know to get quiet, to breathe, to name things around me, to feel the floor.
— I am able to separate from the impulse of “hey, you can DO MORE/analyze/pedal madly/solution/earn-your-worthiness your way out of this thing.” (!!!!!!!!)
because I believe in the magic of Right Timing combined with Trust combined with Do Less. basically, I know about emptying and its holy power.
— I know about compasses. (she typed, and looked up to see monsters getting droopy-looking.)
— when waking up from a ptsd dream, she’s able to say “all is good and I am cared for,” take ten breaths , drink a glass of water and write.
— (suddenly we’re in third person now, okay) she has learned how to love the broken pots, because pots have broken before and she knows about the secret treasures, even/especially when they are unseen.
— no really, she can see the broken pots and smile at them. and they haven’t even been broken for that long.
— her tiny sweet thing — this time!! — actually is marvelously, concretely, enthusiastically supported and eminently achievable. and she’s worried about it, but also, she’s not worried about it.
— ‘Everything against me is an illusion’ — this is the flip side of ‘Everything is unfolding in the service of me’ and Me Now understands this in her body.
— While they are not exactly making things fun for her, she is also not impatient for the pain and the monsters to leave. and she can feel them relaxing, softening in her presence.
so yeah, HOW ABOUT THAT. hmm?
this post gave me so much that I will be coming back for. Thank you. <3
I lost count of how many times I've thanked you in this post, Havi, but I am thanking you once again for the agents that have come into my life, whom I met on the great Fluent Self ship, who have co-captained some of the most vital voyages with me when things began to fall apart for me in Europe.
…. apparently this is an award show speech? why not?
The trophy lives in my heart as a golden jewel of truth and connectedness. thank you thank you!
<3
Beautiful
<3 <3 <3
~*~*~*~
Thank you. <3
Cluck cluck chicken
It is May day bank holiday! Hello summer!
The hard:
– British politics at the moment is just awful, ugh.
– horrible pointless row about pizza
– British cycling also pretty depressing (the conversation needs to be had, urgently, but it’s very painful to watch)
– the sheer quantity of people who fail to understand that an individual can be very good at their job while simultaneously being very unpleasant to be around
The good:
– the trees are nearly in full leaf and the plane trees outside my office window are particularly pleasing. Also the horse chestnut on the corner of Pye Terrace.
– I am becoming much less scared of money.
– another good review
– I got my hair cut and the back of my head is all fuzzly
– picture jasper: so pretty
– just about warm enough to wear sandals yesterday
– generally much less knackered
– not doing much, not feeling nearly so guilty about that as I used to
Love to you all.
hello, new week.
what worked? Doing Less yesterday was THE AWESOMEST.
next time i might… take a few more breaths and think about Safety.
hard things.
1. overwhelm
2. change, still, always
3. other people’s stuff
4. anticipation(/dread) of LOTS MORE OF THIS upcoming. i’m starting a new job that will necessitate much untangling of human knots. or at least working with & around them
5. avoidance monsters
6. haha, funny-not-funny, MORE Other People’s Stuff earlier in the week,
(I could call ‘O.P.S.’ to remind myself it is a thing, and to contemplate what Secret OPS may help)
7. blech, unpleasant experience of non-sovereignty
8. forgetting when it’s bedtime
supportive things.
1. learning (a bit about) the cadence/rhythm of my life. at least recognizing what’s happening.
2. creating my own stability
3. talking with friend over tea
4. KNOWING the new job is yes, and feeling ready for whatever comes
5. cleaning as healing rather than chore
6. quiet evening
7. dance
8. new eyes on challenge V.
What Worked:
Being open, looking for people to look out for instead of wanting to be taken care of, doing less.
The Hard:
Reentry after a weekend writing conference. Next year scheduling today off.
Brother’s job search. So hard to see people not get what they want.
So much togetherness with strangers this weekend. So much noise and talking.
The Good:
So many new people this weekend. And so much good stuff.
Having a room to hide in when needed.
Oh I love that ‘looking out for people to look out for instead of wanting to be taken care of’! I don’t hear it in a non-sovereign way, but rather a Completely Sovereign way… thankyou!
Today, this week, I have to Do Less because i overdid things such that my hands & wrists in pain all the time.
Instead of more usual monsters – “why are you So Lazy?” “There’s nothing wrong with you! Power through the pain, Loser!” … I am thinking about how to re-engineer my life so I don’t fall back into destructive patterns because they’re easy & at hand.
Time to embrace I’m Disabled, but I can still Do Things. Now, how do I manage doing them in ways best For Me?
P.S. Urgent Nap sounding better all the time. 🙂
<3 and ~~{-@
(That's how we used to text rose flowers back in the day before emojis)
The challenging:
– So many little things I've chosen to do, on top of all my other work, because I can't allow them to be not-done, and they won't be done by anyone else. And then to top it off, people try to pile up even more work that. I asked for help, and the thing I asked for is still not done, and I'm frustrated. I want to Do Less, but I keep doing a lot. I'm afraid that the only way to stop doing so much is to walk away from the organization and simply not care at all. (But I do care.)
– I turned in one of the things I've chosen to do too late, because Ive got sidetracked, and this might be a screwup on my part, and I'm frustrated because it wasn't even my responsibility to begin with, but I wanted to help.
– I forgot to eat lunch yesterday. I didn't even notice how much time had passed.
– Sleeping habits. Sigh.
The celebrations:
+ "The talk" went much better than I anticipated. I felt like it was a miracle. I feel like I leveled up in the boundaries department.
+ Said clear, unambiguous "no" to offers that are not 100% yes.
+ Inspired to pursue opportunities that are 100% yes and making it happen as soon as the inspiration struck (while forgetting lunch).
+ Happy tea time with Claire
+ Tabletop Day!
Superpower I've had this week: Beautiful Badass Boundaries
Superpowers I want: Seeing Solutions, Luscious Leisure
Suddenly leaping into the spotlight – it’s Panache! He whips off his ostrich-plumed, wide-brimmed hat revealing his gleaming black locks. Devilish brows, flashing dark eyes, sparkling smile and the spark from his gold earring. Dali mustaches and a Kirk Douglas chin. His buccaneer-sleeved shirt open in a deep V revealing the curly hairs on his chest. A red satin sash circles his slender waist under the belt supporting the scabbard of his basket-hilt sword. His boots shine. In the background,his black horse rears against the full moon. If he sang or played an instrument, he’d be insufferable, but from time to time I will Quest with Panache.
Hmmm… I had the week of Blue Mascara Makes Everything a Tiny Bit Better, I think I’ll use that trick this week as well.
A time of moving, tidying, grieving and making saferooms and spaces everywhere. And unraveling lots of [really hard] since everything is not about [survival] anymore, and unraveling is actually possible. Everything is not about staying alive anymore!!!! – A BILLION TRILLION SPARKLEPOINTS just for realizing this!
DID the zoo-opt. The dance of dragons has just begun (I really, really, really want to ride one!!! :D), but I still need to figure out how to get to the end of the world and back before September.
Had TWO WHOLE DAYS of treasure and appreciation everywhere. It was good. It is good.
–{–@
Something big just ‘landed’ around “do-overs” when you wrote about PTSD and [re-experiencing] and how a) it is an opportunity to do things differently and b) it is NOT then, no matter how much it feels like it is. (I think (b) is one of the epiphanies where you go, ohmygod wow… just to look at it later and go, um dude, that’s Obvious!)
I’ve cleared so many (So. Many.) triggers over the years, but the hardest ones are the emotional-based ones (hello close friend, Shame, I’m looking at you!). And this pervasive feeling of Aloneness and Not Belonging I’m gradually realising is actually a trigger in motion and of course it feels like Then. So maybe when I’m in it—as in, Drowning In It—I could just recognise this and do one tiny thing different *ding*
I cried when I read your [no. 6]. I cried for you of Then, for you Now, for me Then, and for me Now. (And no, not as in it’s All Tears for these two beautiful, strong, courageous women, but just tears for these parts.) So much pain from Then. (And yes, Shame is yanking at my sleeve, Insisting I don’t post this, as we don’t Even Know You, and How Dare We Be So Intrusive and Presuming—but I’m trying to gently tell her that it’s okay, a) it doesn’t have to *land* and that b) tis just a piece of my truth and c) tis an offering of connectivity that doesn’t have to be accepted. She’s still anxiously tugging at me, but I’m going to post this, then stop typing and give her a big hug.)
And Margaret, I thought of you this morning as all the trees around my house were intensely Wisha-wisha-wishing! And although I’m clearly confusing Chickens with Wishes, may the trees be adding their Wishing Energy to all of us here at this crazily beautiful space.
The Good:
~ [important person] is growing and able to see more, and with a little more love
~ creating new thankyou blessing cards and having them printed! *elfin child excitement*
~ learning new ways to address certain Hards
The Hard:
~ being desperate to process externally but not having the safety so just doing what I can
~ realising [select important people] are actually Takers and when I remove myself, of course I become worthless in their eyes *seriously painful sadness and loss even when it’s all actually going the right way*
~ badly missing little [critically important person] and feel horridly powerless
~ lots of Super Triggers (hi, long time) and then of course the Crash, oh hello now I’m out with the flu
~ challenges at work that make sense (because the Game is Rigged) and don’t make sense—and trying to find ways to support people and hold their intense suffering within such a [crazy] framework AND without doing my head and my soul in
~ being a Loner (tis safer alone) AND too Alone (thrive on connection)
~ seriously, going to the doctor after a couple of months of tinnitus that I was ignoring so as not to ‘hook into it’ and the doctor finding a tiny insect in my ear—all sorted quickly and easily, but ugh, the Sensie in me is just Horrified, as in nightmare-level *sigh*
What Worked:
~ writing ridiculously long posts (sorry, Shame) in a supportive environment, even if I can’t process with an individual
~ creating deliciously colourful thankyou blessing cards
~ revelling in my Skillz and delighting in how they help people
~ doing things in Tiny Steps with oodles of space in between the steps, and grinning and winking at the ‘That Is So Lame!’ monsters while I tell them, ‘I know, but look, it’s Working!’
Thankyou for listening, Safe Space x