Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 420th week in a row and I am glad we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
Walking until I am done.
I might try…
Exiting sooner. No, exiting in the moment I understand that the place I am in is not the place for me.
Naming the days.
This was the week of so clear under the stars and these were the days.
Quieting. Peaceful sweet clarity. Secret meetings of secrecy! SOLVED. We have a solution. Rainbows from fingertips. Glowing these boundaries.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
How is it even possible to name all these mysteries.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The mystery of when is a sanctuary not a sanctuary: my beautiful park became a place to avoid loud noises instead of a place to go to enjoy. Then an unexpected explosion (fireworks) and PTSD trigger. Baffling and disorienting because no one was freaking out. I gradually understood it wasn’t a terrorist attack, but the memories combined with hearing damage, migraine, panicking: so much pain. And now I don’t go to the park, which isn’t good either. A breath.
- The mystery of holding a screaming three year old with love when it doesn’t know it is three and it doesn’t know how big it is (because it’s really an adult), and at the same time wanting to keep its flailing limbs from hurting someone you love. And how completely unnecessary this pain is, and you just want to make everything better for the person in pain but you can’t, and also it’s not your job and it doesn’t have anything to do with you, because you are just a mirror, so all you can do is breathe love. A breath of compassion.
- The mystery of okay, all these beacons of no are indeed very useful, but oh man, am I going get some intel on my yes? Breathing for clarity, and trust.
- The mystery of Sudden Loneliness. There are reasons for this, of course — the cowboy disappeared into the mountains without cell service, friends busy with life stuff — but really this mystery is not about any of that, but about my relationship to the Void, and wanting someone to talk to. This mystery was solved (SOLVED!) by remembering that I can always talk to Incoming Me, who loves me more than anyone, and who gets it. I also can talk to Meirav, my half-imaginary half-therapist, in my head, and to any version of me at all. So really, loneliness doesn’t actually exist, it is just a sign that I have forgotten about my selves. And this is how I met a me called Quick, who has the superpower of being excited about things that I have to do but dread doing. So, thanks, mystery! A breath for the vastness that is me.
- The mystery of dinner with someone who turned out to be an actual sociopath, aka the mystery of entirely new levels of All Signs Point To Exit. A breath for safety.
- The mystery of why are AT&T such fucking fuckheads, which is really the mystery of why is it that I agree to keep trying to make things work in situations when it is so very clear that “keep trying” is not the answer. Walk away is the answer. For me, right now. Q, aka incoming me, says it is useful that I am wiping out so hard on this level of the video game, and that I will learn from my bruises, and that this experience will help me not only with the superpower of walking away, but also with the superpower of remembering that the video game isn’t real. May it be so. A breath for Crown On and We Do Not Agree To Gaslighting or Shoe-Throwing, Goodbye.
- Oh so many mysteries, like the mystery of the museum director, the mystery of under the stars, the mystery of what I value more, the mystery of how can I find a support group for a very specific thing that I do not know how to name. A breath for all the right solutions — speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions, may they reveal themselves soon.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I said this last week and it is still true now: many beautiful things happened this week which proved that now is in fact nothing like then, and All Is Well, it just is, even when I forget this. A breath of sweetness and presence.
- The stone skipping not-a-course is full of wise, compassionate people saying wise, compassionate things, and so many sparks of good are sparking everywhere, and I am feeling so proud and joyful about all the self-fluency happening there. A breath of appreciation.
- Staying at Agent Emdee’s safe house while she is on some secret ops, what a blessing. A breath of gratitude for this.
- Agent Spalding, who is basically James Bond, texted from Finland where he was about to board a boat for Estonia, and never have I been so happy to catch up with a friend. A breath of joy.
- Ninety minutes floating in the dark tank, repeating a mantra in my head, and letting it cycle through my consciousness and do its work. A breath of thankfulness.
- An invitation to a place under the stars. Operation Under The Stars. A breath for remembering that I am invited.
- Finished writing one of the YEARbooks, it is absolutely delicious. It’s also been through first round of edits and formatting, very excited to send it out! A breath of joy.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of raspberries, smiles, bus drivers who are happy to see me, meeting Incoming Me who actually wants to do all the things I think I don’t know how to do, really great hair. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of claiming space for myself, which is also the superpower of remembering that I matter and my state of well-being matters, and hahaha, was given about eleven thousand opportunities to practice this.
Powers I want.
More of the same please and also the superpower of Let There Be Lightness.
The Salve of Let There Be Lightness.
This salve is about glow and about ease, about boundaries and sovereignty and being in your most spark-filled state and letting everything else go. Let go and let glow. Except that sounds hard, and this salve makes this easier.
This salve brings the lightness and also lets things happen through-and-by lightness.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from the Vicar:
Elk Involvement
Their latest album is Respect The Algorithm: Red Flags The Size Of Connecticut, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
The fantastic monster manual is still available in the place that used to be the the shop, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
!!! ! !!!
What worked? Switching to pitchers.
Next time? I might discard the tiles sooner.
Hard / irritating:
* Not trusting
* Not having answers
* Experiences/feelings I do not share spoken of as universal
* Scraping at a stubborn zit
Good / delight-propelling:
* Witnessing Puerto Rican torrents of joy in reaction to Monica Puig’s win.
* Andy Murray winning the men’s tennis singles in Rio, partly because he had made a point of preparing specifically for it, and also partly because he respects women’s tennis, which unfortunately does not seem to be the case with most of his peers on the men’s tour, so it’s nice to see the guy who DOES get it get the gold.
* Peking duck bao and other deliciousness at an EatWith dinner.
* Old wastebasket the right size and diameter to function as water-bowl stand for dog with hip trouble.
* The entry for Trees in CITY OF GLASS.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
DELIGHT-PROPELLING!!!
Andy Murray, yes! ‘Venus and Serena have got four each.’
The hard:
– August, no me gusta
– social rituals for which I don’t have the energy and/or patience
– having had it with EVERYTHING (probably not actually everything, almost certainly going to turn out to be good, but current mood = feh)
The good:
– treasure in the post! Mermaids! Pearls! Ammonites!
– far better timing than usual, with a day when I wanted to go flop and do nothing coincided with a day that I’d planned to go flop and do nothing
– writing continues to happen despite my not paying it a huge amount of attention
– lovely lovely cycling (and Chris Hoy geeking about the USA team’s bikes with Elinor Barker)
Invoking the superpower of Glittering Forcefields.
Wow, thou truly art The Queen of Naming Things! The Screaming Three Year Old. The Beacons of No. Antidotes to Sudden Loneliness. The Half Therapist. Businesses that are fucking fuckheads (which deliciously reminds me of a divine meme: “Don’t try to explain yourself to idiots. You’re not the fuckface whisperer.”). And the beautiful Salve of Let There Be Lightness.
Worked:
~ being courageously and vulnerably authentic (or perhaps that’s courageously and authentically vulnerable… or authentically courageous and vulnerable… or…)
~ remembering to use humour to dissolve tension and soften my crazy delicious levels of intensity
Next time:
~ remember I feel Everything so damn Intensely AND it’s okay AND it’s not all mine AND I can be lovable with this insanely sensitive intense way of being
Challenging:
~ balancing the needs of [someone I love] who is shoe-throwing severely and carelessly, and is blindly (and through her own pain and needs) trampling the needs of others, including myself and others I care about—I’m so very deeply challenged by her behaviour, sorely disappointed to find myself not wanting to think of her needs, as well as resentful that I sacrifice so much for one who cares so little… and then I question my motives and what keeps me in the circle, and—around we go again… *a breath*
~ Unmet Needs
~ Worst of the Best and Best of the Worst—like what?
~ rising Islamophobia and racism and sexism and just goddamn hateism here and globally and that it is somehow Allowed under Freedom of Hatred/Speech ideology
Charmed:
~ divine safety in a newly forming friendship, where it flows wherever like a creek, bubbling and laughing, pooling depth here, hitting a rock there, yet always finding its way through, over or around, and it Just Being Okay, as is; Sweet Messy Glory of Authentic Engagement
~ a boy (and gosh after two years when am I going to stop seeing him as a boy?) who pokes blindly at all my raw spots—okay, that’s not the charmed bit—but who just keeps loving me passionately and ever wants to talk it through; it also feels a bit like the creek, and I can feel his soothing waters run over me and soften some of the edges and contain (not dampen) the fire
~ a day spent with a friend yesterday that just invigorated both of us followed by his lovely email essentially saying all that I was going to say in my lengthy email but was too tired to write last night!
How do you find the perfect salve for when I need it? I don’t know, but it’s uncanny. Let go and let glow. I’ll need to write that on my hand.
The hard:
~ Worked my butt off until the very last work day, fixing stuff that other people have messed up, because I’m the last link in the chain and they only noticed the mistakes when I sent my designs for approval. I’m really tired of that shit.
~ Everyone is late paying. Gosh I’ve done so much and more, and now I still need to wait to get what I’m owed.
~ I feel like I’m the only person that isn’t traveling anywhere for vacation because {lack of magic beans}. (See above.)
~ First 2 days of vacation were non stop being around people (and dogs) and it drove me to the edge.
~ I literally have to run down to the beach alone if I want to have any quiet time in this house (which isn’t actually quiet, but at least no one is talking to me).
~ We brought the picnic blanket for the two of us, but then a pack of dogs slept on it and it’s so full of hair we had to just give it to the dogs’ owner who said she’d get us a new one. I know it’s a silly thing to be frustrated about, but I was *really* looking forward to a week of lying on a picnic blanket under the trees near the beach.
~ The pattern of feeling pushed into a corner (my room) or out of my own living space entirely in order to have peace & quiet. It just hit me that this is not the first time I’m experiencing it. (Nor the second.)
The good:
~ Putting my foot down and stating what I want for myself.
~ Alone beach time.
~ Found the perfect tiny plastic containers to carry water for painting with me, when I wasn’t even looking.
~ Though I don’t have the magic beans that would enable me to go (or live) where I want to, I’m thankful for the magic beans of living on the coast where it’s reasonably warm and beautiful, and there are still places that aren’t full of tourists a short drive away.
~ Appreciating kitties, who aren’t annoying or loud like the dogs.
~ Not working. It’s good to remember what it’s like.
Superpower I had: Putting Just The Right Amount Of Stuff On My List. All of them got crossed off (which rarely happens).
Superpowers I want: Reveling in Boredom. Silence Wall (courtesy of Sailor Saturn).
Omgoodness, that *last link* feeling, Nela! (Great phrase btw.) I’ve been under intense pressure despite being clear in advance about how much time I need to complete my part, yet they go over on their timeline and then hassle me to reduce my own timeframe, gaa!
*hugs*
I’m sorry you have to deal with that as well. It’s so frustrating!
*hugs*
Hail and farewell, week that was!
What worked: skipping stones whenever it crossed my mind to do so, remembering that I don’t need pen or paper or even words.
Next time I might…change my place, change my luck.
In honor of my daughter, who is in my thoughts a lot these days (always, but especially these days), I now invoke the superpower of the Bubbly Pink Shield! It keeps me safe, it keeps me amused, and it glows. <3
What Worked:
Starting the morning with action. Coffee while moving and tending to my space makes for a good start to the day.
The Hard:
Lots of travel these past couple of weeks.
Money stuff.
Sleeping in too many beds that aren’t mine.
Jealous (but maybe not the right word) of family successes and feeling inferior. Wondering where my drive is.
The Good:
Home all week.
Recognizing that money stuff is still just Stuff.
Having the ability to sleep in beds that aren’t mine. Getting to practice leaning into discomfort and finding there isn’t much there there.
Creating more, consuming less.
The boat broke, but we just sat on the docks in the sun and went in the water anyway.
Hello and cluck!
what worked last week: Kala, asking my field to clear, deliberately trying to Let It Go. remembering my Wise Wisdom. Bed time. Loving kindness. EWverything is fine even when I think it’s not.
the sucks:
-back to school is always a franctic and expensive caper
-my oldest daughter getting swamped by bad feelings
-my oldest daughter had a friend over last week, and I was 45 minutes late for work to give this fucking kid a ride to my house. while at my house, this kid bullied my daughter, went thru her closet mocking her clothes, said many mean things about never having a boyfriend, insisted on ‘trimming’ her hair, by which I mean cutting off an inch and leaving it more raggedy than it was, made my kid cry and maybe stole her earrings. Since none of this happened with me in the house, I have no firm idea. ANd since both kids are 15…I cannot just go to the mom about it. layers of bullshit. my kid miserable, but insisting on being friends with people who treat her like shit. Husband is no help.
-just call me Elsa because I am letting this fucking go. Having a crush in Jeromy, having no way to move that relationship forward, pretty sure his interest in me is not-much, or anything. So many reasons why letting this go is the right answer, so many attempts in good faith to let it go, and still really longing to be feeling that NRE with an emotionally available Pagan man who think I’m cute.
-also, the disappointment because I thought this was going to be…something. a breath for mistaken assumotions, and not trusting my instincts
-lack of progress on the most important ops
-my burlesque class was canceled. so worried I wont be able to maintain my momentum with this caper
but so much sparkle:
-Perseids! I got up at 12:30 and saw 5 meteors from my balcony, including the biggest brightest one I;ve ever seen. so happy
-congruenting. My husband complained about how much I have been gone all summer, and I have been trying very hard to show him my efforts to speak his love language: Acts Of Service. Spent the weekend at home, working on ShipShaping the house. this involces everything from fixing the garage door (a gazillion sparkle points), slaying the laundry-monster, culling things from the basement and the kids’ rooms, helping make good food. We got a buttload of things done this weekend, things that needed doing, and he is feeling very much more supported and happy
-I have a pumpkin!
-slowly paying down the damn credit cards
-lots of fun this week! performances, rituals, Red Tent
-being invited to assist with a Full Moon ritual this week. very affirming. Getting to plan and facilitate Red tent.
-connecting with lots of old friends on Saturday nite. joy.
-coonecting with the Occultist. very nice and affirming.
-lots of movement with the editing.
-weight slowly coming down. consistency in my workout and dance practice increasing.
-slowly hacking thru miles of resistance, to get some actual forward movement to happen
Goodbye week! I’m late to the chicken and I’m retroactively sending you off with thanks and also relief! May the new week be different/better.
That reminds me of Havi’s story of a friend who bought flowers and said that by the time they wilted, things would be better. “Different and, I hope, better.”
I need to buy flowers. Make an altar to Different And Better.
This was the week where a thing that I was afraid of also happened. Not afraid as in scared; afraid as in I don’t want it to happen but it might. It did.
It was the week of mysteries at FHC and MMC and StJ — including things that are obvious not being seen, misinformation, mis-scheduling, and unpleasantness.
It was a week of many questions and few answers.
It was the week when everything went flat and colorless and I lost my sense of self and of self-efficacy.
It was a week of much that I did not like.
There was good in the week, but it was small and hard to see and mostly negative in the sense of it being things that didn’t happen: my basement didn’t flood, my electricity didn’t go out. Things like that.
I had the superpowers of Keeping On Keeping On, and Speaking With Knowledge and Conviction.
This week I want the superpower of Let There Be Lightness — oh, I need some Light and some Lightness — and perhaps the power of Don’t Mess With Me. Of I Know What I Need And It Comes To Me Just When I Need It.
Oh, and what Havi said, “the superpower of remembering that I matter and my state of well-being matters”. Yes, I need that too.