Pre-post disclaimer about my tongue: it is spending some time in my cheek today.
So I tried to make a list of one hundred things I want to do before I die.
Because I read about it in a book that I absolutely love. I’ve read it three times.
And — like with all useful books that are full of cool exercises that I haven’t done yet (but want to!) — I started with the one that seemed like it might be easier than the rest of them.
Except that it’s either the hardest exercise in the world or I am an utter mess. Suspecting a combination of both at the moment.
Because I was completely unable to come up with one hundred things.
In fact, it was more like a grand total of fourteen.
And that was after two hours of staring at the page and trying to think of anything that would be remotely worthy of a go-ahead-and-do-it-while-you’re-still-on-this-planet list.
I don’t know if this is a good thing or a terrible thing.
Argument for how only being able to come up with fourteen things to do before I die is somehow a good thing:
Maybe it just means that I’ve already done a lot of the crazy foolhardy ridiculous adventurous things that most people don’t ever do even though they secretly want to.
Like moving to Berlin from Tel Aviv without any real reason other than that I needed to.
Like starting a business with 20 euros.
Like leaving Germany and heading out to San Francisco on the basis of a dream. And not the “I have a dream” kind of dream. The “I fell asleep and my dream told me I needed to be in San Francisco” kind of dream.
Maybe the reason I can’t come up with more things is that I already have a habit of actively taking off in pursuit of the stuff I want to experience.
But actually I suspect it is a terrible thing.
That might be my monster talking, yes.
(Of course, if “everything against me is an illusion“, the depressing, horrible things I tell myself are probably not true.)
But since I’m letting you in on what’s going on in my head, let me just put it out there.
It seems far, far more likely to me in this moment that I am completely unimaginative and also devoid of all creative impulse. Where is my enthusiasm? WHERE? I have no idea.
I honestly don’t know how it’s even possible that I only have fourteen things I want to accomplish.
Then to make matters worse, most of them are completely boring things to strive for.
And a lot of them except for #10 and #12 are (clarification: for me specifically, at this particular point in my life, no one’s list is ever the same) almost embarrassingly achievable.
Which means my list might actually start shrinking soon, bringing me closer to death and to the fact that I am still lacking in both drive and imagination.
I should also note that my father refuses to read Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain because he vaguely hopes to read all of it before he dies and he is convinced that the sooner he finishes it, the sooner he will die.
But back to my list.
Update:
Okay, I just thought of another one, but #15 is also stupid.
Also, it only occurred to me because I was taking out the recycling while trying to think of more things to put on this list and I got first distracted by the fact that there are always hot people on the cover of Inc. Magazine and then annoyed by the fact that I’m not on there.
Also, I need to note that while coming up with this post, I also had a nice Freudian typo with the word unimaginitiative.
Which really needs to become a real word. Leave your (creative) definitions in the comments and they will distract me from feeling (pun totally intended) listless.
Here is my list.
- Publish a book.
- Publish another book.
- Visit Paris with my gentleman friend.
- Own an apartment in Berlin.
- Teach Shiva Nata at the Midwest Yoga Conference (with my duck, of course), then get invited to teach it at the San Francisco Yoga Journal Conference and then turn them down.
- Learn Italian.
- Live in the same city as my best friend again.
- Climb an orange tree again.
- Learn swing dancing.
- Learn how to skate backwards (!)
- Go on sabbatical.
- Do the splits.
- Meet Suzette Haden Elgin and be a googly-eyed fangirl.
- Take a long-term yoga training with Paul Grilley of Non-Sucky Yoga fame.
- Be on the cover of Inc Magazine before a) it folds and/or b) everyone realizes that they only put hot people on the cover so it doesn’t even mean you’re necessarily that good at business or anything, just that you’re hot and have a decent publicist or know how to pitch a story.
- Ummm …
So I’m still working on it.
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I think it’s great that there are things on your list that you want to do *again.* That means you truly have had a fulfilling life. Also, do you think the dude that wrote the book really came up with all the stuff in one sitting? Nah. S/he probably spent a year writing and editing that list. Maybe making a good list could be one of the things on your list! Happy Wednesday!
-Amy
Amys last blog post..And The Projects Get Tinier And Tinier…
True, the life list is a much more difficult task than it seems at first glance. I attempted a 40 by 40 list (mumble-mumble) years ago, and managed to get only about 20 things on it before I stalled out. But I think part of the problem was focusing mostly on big, huge things and leaving little but important things off because they were too easy or too “boring.” I think I’m going to give it another whirl (although I have to now make it a 50 by 50 list) and be a little broader in my scope.
Looking forward to this afternoon’s call.
Lori Paximadiss last blog post..quick & dirty art
The life list thing is a good excercise, and I think (especially now that I’ve heard Lori’s and Amy’s responses) that your experience with it is common.
Maybe a good way to temper this experience is to write your “Life Resume”. I’ve got one of these that contains all the stuff I’ve already done that I’m proud of. People I’ve been friends with, places I’ve been, experiences I’ve had, important things I’ve learned, etc.
The life list puts a lot of pressure on your future. The Life Resume, as it focuses on the good parts of the past, may help you balance things out.
-Braden
Braden Russoms last blog post..Are You Real Enough for Social Media?
Oh coming to Paris would be great. when you do, let me know, I can give nice adresses of places you will love. 🙂
I’m sure you’ll find other stuff to fill your list, and as you’ve said, you’ve done already quite a bit. Put them in the list, crossed. That’s not really cheating is it ? 😛
If you have started your list earlier, then they may have been in it, aren’t they ?
(and you forget to write down : eat in Paris a nice baguette. that’s a must-do for a baguette lover)
xx
Pascales last blog post..pascalerecher: @JulieBodart hope so too. I’m taking my nurofen with me. 🙂
I have done this off and on… but I usually just have an non-linear-non-number list that changes, grows and shrinks as I need it. When I think of something I add it, when I look over the list and go “what was I thinking, I don’t want a tattoo” or something, I just un-write it (cross it off, x it out, or write over it)…
Its something i have been struggling with lately — because I have realized that while there are parts of me that are pretty solidified, but there are things that I have changed as well — how do I define my goals for the future when I feel like I am still in flux, when I feel like I haven’t completely crystalized as a person? And I am starting to realize, while writing out about the changes and what has been prompting them and what I am doing about the things I no longer feel connected to in my life and my inability to release things that don’t work for me, that the things that I want to do in my life, while I am still on this planet, also change and grow.
Maybe its the pressure of NUMBERS? I know that when I draw things out I can see how much more creative I am.
And “unimaginitive”? The ability to imagine things away, to creatively redirect things and undo them with your imaginationings!
Pams last blog post..“Cell phones aren’t CUTE”
I think its pretty spectacular you got 14!!!
If its whats in your heart, then why worry about making a number? I would think its quality over quantity 🙂
Elans last blog post..The Curtain War
I was trying to come up with a similar list recently, and I had a hard time reaching five. Mostly I found myself wondering if I was putting too much pressure on myself. It went something like this: “I want to have a baby! But…what if I can’t? What if I’m infertile? Does that mean that I’m worth less, that I can’t be accomplished, that I’ve failed at life? Of course not.” Perhaps I took the whole thing too seriously, but (at this point in my life, at least) I think I need to focus more on being happy with who I am and less on creating some fantastical person I may never become. Goals are great, but I’m afraid I’ll end up beating myself up if I don’t achieve them.
Imbriums last blog post..The Death Mold
Enh. Bucket lists.
I’m reminded of my old acting teacher who gave an extemporaneous lecture about people not taking things seriously enough, and how they could kid themselves all they wanted that they were moving forward, but it was just so much kidding, and that careers don’t happen by themselves.
And then, looking over and seeing me in a complete panic, rolling his eyes and adding, “And the people who most DON’T need to hear this are the only ones listening.”
Also, I’m pretty sure that you’d have a good time combining #s 11 & 12.
communicatrixs last blog post..Capers, deprivation and working it like Julia Child
Seriously, I think your subconscious just coined a very important word! “Unimaginitiative” makes total and complete sense. Lacking the motivation needed to allow yourself to imagine, fighting your own creative flow… What’s ironic about it is that so many of us feel like we need the drive, the ambition to create; when really it is all about reception.
Whoo, your subconscious struck a nerve with me (a good one) today, I guess. I’m new to Havi-speak. Is that Selma, then, who came up with “unimaginitiative?” I’ll have to do some Havi/Selma research.
Thank you for your openness. And… um… good luck on that list.
Maybe it’s an exercise in ‘desire without want.’ That is, these things may be desirable and fulfilling or just fun, but life will be okay without any of them.
So, maybe rename the list from ‘Things I want to do…’ to something like ‘things that I’d like to do if they come my way…’
If you turn then from Demands On The Universe to requests, perhaps you might allow yourself more possibilities.
Walt
The thing about gargantuan mind-meld-type life-defining lists is that the numbers are pretty much meaningless. It doesn’t matter if you have 14 items, or 14,000. What matters about these lists is that the very suggestion inspires you to set aside time and actually THINK about what a list like that means to you.
I come up with cool and defining lists all the time. I just manage to forget where I put them. (Personally, I think they’re all hanging out in some drawer doing the mental gymnastics thing with my mind.)
Okay, maybe lines of scribble can’t overwhelm the thought processes over space. But what if they can? Maybe the glitch is that we need to start thinking of “to do” lists as opportunities rather than the steps on life’s gauntlet.
Ha! My life coach once asked me to list 100 feelings/memories/experiences I loved – which required no imagination, just recall – and it was excruciatingly difficult. Which just seemed so ridiculous. I’ve got a good life. And because of the mood I was in at the time, I argued it would have been easier to list 100 things I was pissed off about. She told me to go ahead and see if that was true. I didn’t take her up on it. ;P I just finished the first list. Eventually.
So I get the too-short list. And who decided on 100 for lists? I guess ’cause it forces you to dig a little deeper… but sheesh! 100?!
Maybe all that empty space is open-mindedness? A willingness to receive what comes your way that you couldn’t imagine even in your most creative moments? There’s a lot of room to move there…
Wait a minute… you generally hate lists. You’re probably ranking this stuff already. Ack! No wonder you’ve got unimaginitiative. Maybe do this another way that frees and inspires you? Like a mind map with a hundred little bubbles or something? (ok, kinda lame idea, but you know what I’m getting at) [mwah]
Cairene MacDonalds last blog post..One way to build your choosing muscles.
unimaginitiative – doing what other people tell you to do and doing it exactly like they would do it because it worked for them and expecting exactly what they got
As far as that 100 list, yeah I completed that list in 2004 and so far I’ve achieved
2, 4 of the items.#37 Have two dogs
#41 Have strong friendships with a small circle of friends
#86 Working because I love what I do
#90 Be happy
I’ve had to cross off many of the items and wonder if maybe I might start the list anew. Oh and the “get better at lists” thing would be like my number 16. Seriously.
Unimaginitiative:
1. A state of paralysis in which one is unable to generate a mental image of one’s internal motivation and is thus suspended in a state of pre-action.
2. The inability to imagine the possibility of initiative.
Example:
“It’s a clear case of unimaginitiative,” said the doctor, “and with a condition so serious I am shocked you made it to your appointment and aggrieved that you may not be physically capable of leaving my office.”
I really, really love dictionaries!
Havi,
It is probably ridiculously presumptuous for me to point you back to your own post for advice, but sometimes when I read my old writing I find that a version of me who isn’t feeling like dirt can give good advice to the me that’s in a fetal position rocking itself for comfort.
This post of yours where you answer the question, “And if this is really everything to me, then why the hell haven’t I been doing more?” reminded me of some of the stuck you are describing:
http://fluentself.com//blog/stuckification/avoidance-oh-and-getting-out-of-it/
Could it be that you can’t think of 100 things because it’s soooooo important for you to think of 100 things, that some part of you feels it needs to have those 100 things at hand at all times for whatever reason, and is “should”ifying up the whole exercise?
It’s just a thought and one you’ve literally had already. E-hugs. E-puppies. Good luck with your process.
Keely H.s last blog post..Finished the New Road Trip Mix CD
Awesome! Sorry – I think 14 things, 100 things, 15 things even is great. Who cares?! Apart from you, of course – and your caring is the only important caring. But you know this already. Bet you don’t even care about the damn list, you care about being dried up. Start, more will come. Undoubtably.
Dried up is just fine too, even though it feels like rubbish. Or make your list as a collage or a painting or a series of asanas or something. A list doesn’t have to be written on paper with no’s 1 – 100 against it.
Hugs, lots of Hugs.
Wormys last blog post..Decisions, Decisions
One of the things on my big huge list of things like that is to have a circular room in my home. A room with no corners. How cool would that be? I would lay along the curve of the wall with my back to the wall and would totally blend in like a piece of yarn.
There’s a fun place I found to look for neat things we might want to do with our lives. http://www.43things.com
Instead of making lists of 100 things, it suggests just making a list of 43. Plus what I like about it is that it opens my mind to seeing other things that I might enjoy doing and hadn’t considered. I have a lot of fun there.
Like @Cairene MacDonald said, I also realized the other day that trying to write a big list of happy memories from my life is a more challenging job than if I were asked to write a big list of crappy memories. It’s amazing how lodged in my bad memories have been and how top of mind they are. Close to the surface man!
Even though when I reconnect with the happy stuff I remember just how good and powerful and alive it all felt. So that’s the new list I’m creating. Not a list of things I want to do in the future, but memories of things that made me feel good so that I can think about them now and feel good feelings again and take that good feeling with me as I move into the future. It’s helping to reshape the way I see myself and that’s usually a super good thing.
Mona Graysons last blog post..First 3 Days of Blogging
I just finished my 101 list. It was really hard. ReALLY, REally, ReallY hard. For me this was a way to get moving in a creative direction again. It took me over a month to complete it.
My list includes big dreams and small, easy breezy “feels grrrrrreat to check this off just because it’s fun to do”. I didn’t use numbers. I used bullets and kept a small sketch pad with me to write new “want to’s, “gonna do’s” and “like to do’s” as they popped into my head. The process also helped me rediscover lots of old memories of things I always wanted to do but put off doing. Getting all these ideas outta my head, and on paper, (puter) actually gave me a huge power surge of energy, zest, zeal, and enthusiasm again.
I like Braden’s suggestion to write a Life Resume. In fact, I think I’ll bump it to the top of my list. Thanks, Braden!
And thanks, Havi, for mentoring with a fun heart and genuine purpose. You and Selma are making a huge, wonderful splash in lots of lives.
Lille Dianes last blog post..This Time Tomorrow is having a Pink Moment reflection
Personally, the idea of using such an enormous number is a technique to short-circuit self-censorship.
Are you measuring the items as they come in?
Rejecting items that don’t “measure up”? (Whatever that means. 🙂
To get to 100, I suggest you crank up the whimsy.
Joels last blog post..Features of My Magic iPod
A Freudian typo with the word unimaginitiative? With Stu, no doubt, “helping”? Here are my guesses:
“I imagine a tave” or “unmanageable tave”!
This takes me back to my first blog (back when they were online “journals” or “diaries” (which I always spell “dairies” – hmm)).
It was freshman year, Biology Lab. At this small Christian school, we had to watch a graphic, scary, bloody video about abortion and oh, my stomach could *not* handle it. So put my head down on the desk and did what I always do to settle myself – I started writing. I started writing a list of things that made me smile, that made me calm.
I kept the notebook with me and added it to it whenever I was bored in class. Later that year my sweetheart started an “online diary” where he wrote poetry about me (yeah, you can gag, but he was 18!), so I started one with my list. Every week I’d just add 10 more things to the list and it was exactly what I needed.
Sort of like a meditation or remembrance practice, it was lovely!
Taras last blog post..Flowered Inspiration
Hi Havi & everyone,
I don’t think it matters if you can get to 100 or not. Putting 100 things on a list is someone else’s idea – it belongs to the person who wrote the book that inspired you.
So if the list is 14 items long, then it’s 14 items long.
I like the story about your father’s refusal to read the book, though. It makes sense, even if it’s a little … hmmm… amusing.
Amandas last blog post..Wednesday Whiteboard #6
I always thought the idea of trying to write 100 things like that was to show you how actually, when you start to look at it, there aren’t really 100 things that you desperately want to do (which would be overwhelming and scary and oh my god how will I do all that?!) and that actually you could just pick a couple to get started on and find yourself ticking through them quite nicely, letting new ones pop up and get added to the list as well.
But them I’m a scanner/renaissance soul, which basically means that when someone says “can you write 100 things you want to do before you die” I answer “only 100?!” and start to spew out lists of things that currently interest me, even if I may never do half of them. But I thought I’d add that perspective to the crowd.
For reference, my list is at 49 separate interests, each of which I could probably come up with an average of 3 things I wanted to do, minimum. Which isn’t an attempt at bragging so much as demonstrating that the other end of the scale has it’s own problems too. 🙂
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..Too fast to write about it
I have trouble with these lists, largely because I panic. I begin thinking “am I really this shallow, that I want that on my Things To Do list? Surely I can think of something more important!” And then I don’t finish the list because I’m busy thinking of things I should want to do instead of things I actually do want to do, and I’m totally resistant to making future lists because I couldn’t even finish the last one…
Another monster to address, I guess. 🙂
Incidentally, Havi, are you aware that Suzette Hayden Elgin maintains a journal at http://ozarque.livejournal.com/ ? I figure it’s better to present the link on the off chance that you don’t know about it…
(Ugh, I have her name on another tab in my browser, but I put the Y in anyway. Le sigh.)
Someone asks you to re-metaphor your business and you come up with a fabulously creative pirate-ship scheme. And then after further processing put it inside an igloo. I’m checking the manual here, and it says total lack of imagination ain’t what you’ve got. Maybe a case of creative mismatch?
I don’t have a hundred things either, I mean, why not leave it mostly blank for all the neat things you’ll decide you want to do as you discover them? It seems like filling it out in advance is like having already read the book, why see the movie?
Your father might have the right idea about The Magic Mountain. I felt like I could die at any minute after reading all the way through to the end. That book COULD kill you. It could scare you to death. Plath was the only writer who gave me a bigger anxiety attack.
Dianas last blog post..My Heart Art prints, cards, calendars & Tshirts
I have a list in front of me always. It is “100 Things I Love.” Not necessarily 100 Things I Want (Need) to Do Before I Die, but it is amazing what the similarities are.
I’ve encountered people on Twitter who decided to make their own lists of things they love.
You have motivated me to make that second list. When you do, it shows you exactly what is important to you. I am sure that some things on my first list will definitely be on the second list and some of the things (thankfully!) I have already done. Because I’m not 20 anymore.
Thanks for making me think.
Judy Dunns last blog post..I’ve Wanted to Be An SOB for a While. And Now I Am!
Mine has things like #12, go back to paris. #13, go to paris again. #14, go, again, to paris. #15 go to paris, then provence, then back to paris. #16 take another hiking trip in provence. Followed by paris.
I don’t even care that I lack imagination any more.
Sonia Simones last blog post..What I Love About My Job
Those lists are hard for me too, so it always reminds me of the fairy tales with genies in the magic lamps. “You can have *one wish* — anything, anything you want. What is it, oh master?” “. . . Uhh . . . umm . . a, uh, an, ice-cream cone. –@$%%^&!! Why didn’t I say ‘a pony that can predict the winning lotto numbers for me and my friends’???”
Also, it does seem a little dopey (in general) for the idea that you should be able to predict exactly what the coolest things in the world would be, even though you don’t know about them yet. I feel the same way as Pam and Diana — some [placeholder] and [this page intentionally left blank] entries for your list are a good thing!!
Wouldn’t it be better to have a list with 14 things on it that you accomplish vs having a list of 100 things you don’t accomplish.
I also bet, as you cross things off your list, new dreams, goals and ideas will surface, to be added to your list.
So go and fulfill your list of 14 and HAVAE FUN!!
I did a similar list recently and only came up with 17 items! I did this with my blog partner and you can see it here: http://prsunshine.wordpress.com/pollyannas-bucket-list-and-half-bucket-list/
The blue ones are mine, the black ones are hers (a few are shared).
Ours was split into “things to do before we die” and “things to do before we’re fifty”, which is only a bit over three years away for me. I think I might have a couple more to add now, actually, after reading your blog for a while and starting Shiva Nata.
Anna-Lizas last blog post..Pollyanna versus the Giant Twinkie
That does not ring true to my ears.
Ditto what “Extra Cripsy” said.
Forgoodnesssake! You have a duck! That’s plastic! And you talk to her … and she talks back!
Unimaginative? Pshaw.
(I know, doesn’t help with the “feeling this way,” but still, it’s true. Though, just because something’s “true” doesn’t mean that it’s “real.”)
christys last blog post..Putting the “How” in How-To
agree with the comments about “hell, WTF with 100 ideas anyway…” but if this is still annoying you and Selma, well then, … here’s something that jumped to my eyes when I read (again) your post this morning (yep double dose of Havi&Selma magic a day is often good for me)
“And — like with all useful books that are full of cool exercises that I haven’t done yet (but want to!) — ”
how many book in there ? …
Havi – I have a similar thing happen with that whole live every day like its your last concept. I spent a lot of time thinking in terms of wild and crazy things I’d have to try. About a week ago it occured to me that what I would do on my last day wouldn’t be so out of character for me. I’d have a few good meals, spend time with my kids, take a nap just to wake up next to my hubby… stuff like I already do because I find it fulfilling.
Getting caught in the trap of thinking that my last day had to be a day of shoulds was really inauthentic for me. I will now nap well in the reassurance that my last day would be perfect for me!
I honestly think that you are leaving room for things to come up. Maybe you don’t know about the grand luxuries living in a yurt in your backyard can offer to you yet– just an example and nothing against the beauty of yurts– but you have the opportunity to fill in the gaps. I also really think it’s interesting that there is such a large number of “agains” in your current list. I think that means that your are all ready grateful for the life you have now 😉 -and that is a skill set that many do not have-
Haha – I had tried making my list a year back or so (when I’d come across David Michael Bruno’s 100 things challenge).
And I had managed to get 26 things on my list!
And that was after adding things like “experiencing zero gravity” and “visiting the quietest place on Earth” (http://www.audiojunkies.com/blog/902/the-quietest-place-on-earth-orfield-labs)
So I’m glad that I’m 73.3333% imaginitiative than you! HA!
Oh also – no list is complete without having “eat pav bhaji at a cheap restaurant in Bombay” on it – add that and you have 16 on your list.
And I will totally pay for the pav bhaji.
Ankesh Kotharis last blog post..Tony Hsieh’s Unified Happiness Theory
(Just recalled – the 100 things to do… I first came across it when Maggie Mason wrote about it. David Michael Bruno’s challenge was about 100 things to own.)
Ankesh Kotharis last blog post..Tony Hsieh’s Unified Happiness Theory