Okay, so when people ask me about business-ey things, and — more specifically — how my own thing has gotten all biggified, I have to talk about the weird magical power of being yourself.
And not just being yourself, but being yourself out loud.
Even if that means that people know that I am a total mess talk to ducks, have monsters and completely fall apart sometimes.
Because that stuff is connected to my own bizarre personal success story.
Where’s the but?
Oh. Right. Here it is.
But… and it’s a big one… it is really easy to let this Useful Concept of “being yourself out loud” become the world’s biggest should.
Which will stress you out like crazy. And make your heart heavy. So … not useful for you and definitely not useful for the people who need what you have to give.
An example from the files — one of many:
“Every time I tried to write any part of my ebook, I’d cry … and cry … and cry … because my story comes from a very painful place and I couldn’t put my work out there and work through this grief at the same time.
And it just gets worse (and more complicated) when I’m reading all these marketing authorities who talk about ‘being transparent’, ‘vulnerable’, and ‘authentic’ — for me that means dealing with painful experiences in a public way. And I just can’t.
I know that reading this stuff isn’t helpful because I can’t make it fit who I am right now. And then I also can’t stop reading.”
Man. That sucks.
Oh, sweetie. Hug.
You must feel really frustrated. To be coping with all of this pain and then having to face this idea that you have to share it in order to be successful? That sounds really, really hard. And icky.
I’m sorry.
Some thoughts?
Some thoughts.
No shoulds.
Transparency, vulnerability and authenticity are only useful when they aren’t forced and when they come from the heart.
I mean, yes, sometimes it can’t come from the heart because gah this is hard. Because it still feels strange and new. Because it’s a practice.
But practicing something that challenges you is different than forcing yourself to reveal pain because you think you’re supposed to. You definitely don’t have to do that.
You can be transparent about the fact that you can’t be transparent.
It’s perfectly legitimate — as well as “transparent”, “vulnerable” and “authentic” — to tell your audience that this is a difficult subject for you to write about because of your own personal pain.
That doesn’t mean though, that you have to document that pain. Especially if you don’t freaking feel like it.
Transparency does not mean having to tell people everything.
It really doesn’t.
I kind of have a reputation as someone who is almost astonishingly open about her own stucknesses. But you know what?
There are all sorts of things I don’t talk about. I might mention them. But I’m not going to go into detail or anything
I don’t talk about the experience of my marriage falling apart. I don’t share some of the more painful pieces of my history. About terror and loss and things that are broken. And I don’t really feel like writing about how I cross the street whenever I see a man with a beard.
What people do know is that I know about pain and fear. Just like them.
That’s where the power is.
Transparency just means not wearing the boring-old-expert costume.
Taking off that cloak of expertise you hide behind doesn’t mean — tfu tfu tfu — that you have to show up naked. Not at all.
It just means that you get to wear something that’s comfortable. Something you’d actually wear.
So we can get a sense of who you are and what you’re like.
So we can identify with you and be inspired by the fact that ohmygod a real person who isn’t that different from me actually made a change and maybe the rest of us can too.
Not always being covered up in expert-wear means you’re human. Which means there is hope for me. Ahhhhhhhhh. Hope. Thank you for that.
There are a lot of resources for ways to do this.
For one thing, there are a lot of great people modeling it. Not in a “look at me being authentic” way.
In a “this is hard and I’m doing it my own way” way (yes, I just said way way).
Secret Wormy does it. Pace and Kyeli do it. Emma does it.
Also, the amazing Laura Fitton (@pistachio to you) and I talked in our Not Being Strategic class about how to use non-cheesy non-forced authenticity. And we talked about how people can pick up on cognitive dissonance when something is going on under the surface.
And I’ve written in the Blogging Therapy series about “nooo don’t make me be vulnerable” and “but I’m not an expert!”and “finding your voice“.
Which all focus on different reasons why hiding is not so good but being open about the fact that you really really want to actually is.
The most “transparent” thing that you can do? Not forcing yourself to be transparent.
If you’re clear with yourself that where you’re at right now is not wanting to share the hard, you’re more than allowed to be there.
It’s always okay to say “I don’t want to talk about this” or “this is painful for me so I’m not going to go into it”. Or to sidestep it completely.
The only thing you don’t want to do is pretend that everything is perfect. Because then I can’t trust that you’ll be able to understand me and help me.
But once you’ve acknowledged that you also know about the land of hard, we don’t need you to spill every gruesome detail.
We just want to know that you’re one of us. Someone who has experience with stuff being scary and intimidating and uncomfortable.
The rest is up to you.
Twitter version of this post?
To hell with transparency. Be open about when you CAN’T BE. Do what feels comfortable. Oh, and if you can, don’t worry too much about it.
Follow
This is great! I have a huge problem with the “you have to open up” advice I’m constantly getting from the marketing consultants to my area of business. “If you don’t open up and share you’ll never get any customers…”
OK, you want me to open up, guys? This is what will come out for sharing: 1) this is not me, 2) I never wanted to do this, 3) I still don’t want to do this, 4) I gave up on my dreams too easily, 5) I sold myself short, 6) I used to hate myself so much that I’d tell myself I was human garbage and didn’t deserve hopes, dreams or happiness, 7) when I hate myself I hate the rest of the world.
OH YEAH, that’s going to bring in the customers…
The “you have to open up” people must assume that we are all the same, all kind of bland, untroubled people, and that when we open up “OMG I love selling widgets so much!!!” is the only thing that will come out. Not so.
My “open up” advice has frustrated me so badly that I’ve nearly left my field of work altogether over it – if I have to open up to make it then I’ll never make it. So now I’ll try to be real and not fake about my love of The Man’s widgets. It can only be an improvement. And it’ll take one more “I hate myself” item off of my very slow “try to be nice to self” life list.
Oh, holy shit, Havi. I really needed to hear this today. I’ve been stressing over my blog and about how honest I can manage to be there and hadn’t realized that the “making myself be honeest” thing wasn’t very kind or compassionate. Maybe I can write about where I am without having to share all the horrid messy bits that I’m ashamed to look at myself, never mind have anyone else see?
Lucy Viret (aka randomling)s last blog post..It’s not easy being bored.
Yes, Havi–this is one of the main reasons that you inspire me so and allow me to feel good about being *me*.
It is such an intense relief to read your perspective–that I can be myself instead of the robot I was always taught I should be or I’d never get a job or a client.
Of course, I don’t *have* to be a robot now because I don’t work in an office anymore. It’s easier to stop pretending I’m a spectacularly efficient, neutral automaton now that I freelance–sitting at the computer with a pooch on my lap, eating a tangerine and spilling coffee on my desk and my sweater–from home.
Then again, I’d feel uneasy posting a picture on my website in which you could see that. Evidently, I still haven’t completely freed myself of the pressure to present a professional persona that is flawless and hard as steel.
It’s a fine line to navigate…it’s a line that’s even hard to find! But posts such as this one make my grip on the matter a little looser, help the tension ease away.
That innocuous-seeming S word, “should”, has a lot to answer for! It’s a door slammed in the face of reality, and since reality simply IS, it always wins.
Thanks for this compassionate, loving post about what being real really looks like.
Love, Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Swimming In the Sea of Story
Oh my goodness, I was just realizing something similar last week, when I was aching over not being completely authentic in a family situation and I realized that hey, I was being authentic. Authentic doesn’t equal outspoken. That was an interesting lesson to learn.
So, thanks for talking about this subject. I’m glad I don’t need to be running around the internet naked. Unless I really want to. 😉
leahs last blog post..CED June Theme: Sound
It’s amazing how even something like “just be your authentic self” can turn into a *should*…and it’s kind of a hard one too because if you’re having trouble “being yourself” then ouch!
Transparent about the fact that you can’t be transparent… I love that 🙂 ~E.
Eileens last blog post..The new drug
Ah, this is quite profound.
I think we can all pay closer attention next time. Some people that seem transparent, and are telling people to be transparent, might actually be only transparent in certain aspects, but not all.
Also, many people have different degrees of transparency on their blogs, Twitter and Facebook. It’s interesting how the medium affects the alpha value (you know, the level of transparency =P ).
Kelvin Kaos last blog post..Star Trek (and btw, two years)
Havi, So many of the things you say resonate with me! I am a sworn enemy of the “should” for example.
I don’t wear the expert costume (at least not intentionally) but I’ve been called an expert on occasion — how do I handle that? Accept the title with no comment or gently suggest a more accurate (to me) description?
Here’s the main dilemma for me regarding transparency: yes the “expert” is boring, but what if the real, human non-expert is boring also? I have a fear that the “real me” is just plain boring. Being transparent means I must risk letting everyone see that I’m not the entertaining, funny, fun-to-be around, person that I see myself as.
Oh and of course being boring means I’ll never get any clients. (ooh that was being transparent, wasn’t it? A little scary, but I’m still breathing).
Joanne Julius Hunolds last blog post..What’s Your Type?
All this reminds me of “Gypsy” wit Rosalind Russell and Natalie Wood, and the sad, sad scene where Mama Rose is coaching her through her first striptease.
Which I guess just goes to show that even guys who are at a burlesque show don’t really want to see someone just miserably fling all their nakedness at the crowd. Probably as awkward and painful for the audience as it is for the performer.
KatFrenchs last blog post..New and Improved, With 75% Less Crazy!
Thought-provoking as always, Havi. And you also (very lightly) touched on the very interesting point that people can also use so-called transparency as another pedestal to stand on…”Look how wonderfully vulnerable and authentic I’m being. Aren’t I amazing?” But I think that’s the kind of posturing that’s as easy to see through as forced transparency because you think you “should” display it.
I love your clothing metaphor, too. Because it’s not just a metaphor for me. One of my honest-to-goodness real desires is to be able to wear comfy clothing all day, every day. THAT’S the real me, not the person who shows up at the office every day in my grown-up work clothes. 🙂
This one is so perfect for me today.
One thing I’ve always done is try to balance transparency with privacy. I don’t name names. But when I’m writing about stuff? A lot of times? I’m also writing TO me and reminding myself about things. (Or I might be writing to a friend and something they’re going through.)
Right now?
BIG, HUGE thing going on. And it affects my business. And I don’t know quite what to say or how to say it or if to say it at all. So I’m just waiting until I do know.
Transparency doesn’t necessarily mean we have to say everything.
But I’m personally also trying to pay attention to the pain that writing about ‘the thing going on’ is bringing up and where it’s located and gently move through it.
Maybe that’s progress.
😉
All the best!
deb
Deb Owens last blog post..being too nice (or when being nice is self-destructive)
Thank you for this.
I’m naturally a very private person and I’ve been trying to find a balance between being a private person and being transparent in sharing my process and experiences (in many situations, not just online). I know that sharing my process and experiences help people relate to me and understand that I DO get some of their challenges – and yet I don’t want to expose myself completely.
I love how you take the “shoulds” out of things!
Emilys last blog post..Shadow Beacons
@Eileen – that made me laugh. So so true. And I honestly think we all have days where “just be yourself” seems kind of impossible at best. 🙂
@KatFrench – Rosalind Russel! *jumps up and down*
@Joanne – Re: I have a fear that the “real me” is just plain boring. I get that. And I also tend to think that even if you were the most boring person ever (which … come on), you’d still find your right people in a) other people who are also afraid that they’re boring and/or b) other equally boring people. 🙂
I mean, I’m being kind of silly. But I really do think that this is something everyone wonders. I often think “oh, I’m not as interesting as so-and-so” and then remember that it’s just that thing that we all think about ourselves.
Also … I thought the way you described your own situation was pretty compelling. So you might not have to brand yourself as the boring professional (with “more boring than you are, baby” as your new tagline). Though that would actually be pretty awesome.
@MJ – wow. That’s so great that you’re “taking one more ‘I hate myself’ item off of my very slow ‘try to be nice to self’ life list.” Really beautiful.
And maybe the “I don’t feel like being nice to myself but at least I’m not actively being mean to myself” list will also cheer you up too.
Havi — yes your comment helped; A LOT! 1) It made me laugh (always a good thing), 2)It gave me some ideas of what to blog about (a stuck area of mine) and 3)Helped me see where I can be of service, and to whom.
Joanne Julius Hunolds last blog post..What’s Your Type?
Yes, indeed!
Being authentic is about really being authentic. (Fancy that!) It’s not about being what someone else thinks being authentic is, or even what you think being authentic should be. It’s about really, deeply living what’s true for you.
It’s definitely about vulnerability, but not about phony vulnerability. It’s not about talking about the pain of this or the struggle of that just because you think you should, or because other people are doing that.
It’s also interesting to see how sometimes people expect authenticity and transparency on their terms. “If you don’t bleed for me, then you’re not really being authentic.” Hmm. Not necessarily!
To me, authenticity means never lying to myself. It means being honest with myself about how I really feel and what I really want; about what scares me; and about what I’m avoiding (and why).
It also means being honest with myself about what I’m good at, what I’ve done well, and being able, willing, and joyful to be fully, wholly, completely who I am.
It’s not something you just decide to do and then flip a switch. It comes and goes, over and over and over again, and it’s the commitment to it that keeps it coming back. Until finally it’s with you more often than not.
Then being authentic on the outside comes naturally – there’s not really a choice, or a need to make a choice, any more.
Great post, Havi – thank you!
Grace Judsons last blog post..Why life is like high school
once again….and your other commenters have said everything and more that i dig about this post…and about what little I know about you.
kudos to an authentic gal for just being completely who she is and figuring that out moment by moment…
i , like many others relate…
thanks for posting.
xo
allison
Allison Crow Flanigins last blog post..vent
I’m a total open book. Sometimes to my own detriment. I’ve shared much too much with people in real life and probably online too. I tend to be very trusting.
Then again, I am who I am and I don’t stress too much about it because it’s just part of me. I don’t like secrets and most of my life is not super private. Of course there are a few things that I keep “private” but even those I share with people sometimes.
I do think it’s important that people share aspects of their life other than business related topics – even if it isn’t something super personal. It adds a personal depth that puts a “face” on something that could otherwise possibly appear too business like.
castocreationss last blog post..Creative Features – The Blue Cat
Thank you for posting this.
Perhaps my biggest fear is opening up to people, talking honestly about the things that matter most to me or the dark memories from my own past.
Joanne’s comment about the fear of being boring also really resonated with me. I think that’s the main reason why my inability to open up with people bothers me – I’m afraid that because there are things I can’t talk about, people will never get to know me well enough, and they’ll think I’m boring or aloof. But the fear of Talking About The Thing is so much greater than the fear of being boring, so I often choose not to talk.
Your post made me realise that just admitting that I can’t talk about something is being open and authentic. And that it’s ok to have some things I just can’t talk about, since almost everyone does, even people I admire for their ability to speak openly about their thoughts. Thank you.
Just wanted to say ‘wow.’ You are so very insightful- and seem to have the right insight at the right moment….
Thanks.
Ingrid
Thinking about “should”s and their attendant damage, I once read a blogger state that “‘Should’ is a form of hate speech.” And I thought, now that’s going too far. But then, the more I think about it, the more I think that blogger might have been onto something. There’s a huge component of judgment in “should” and based on what I’ve read on this blog, in the comments and my own personal experience, “should”s that we apply to ourselves are almost always hateful.
So I’m trying to treat “should” like it’s an ugly epithet I wouldn’t use on anyone, and not use it on myself either.
Catherine Cantieri, Sorteds last blog post..Amazing Web Productivity Tools: Especially for creatives
Oh. My. God.
Okay, I am seriously freaked out.
Not just because you linked to me (that rocks, thank you!) – that would be freaked out in a nice way…
I’m freaked out in a “Okay, I can’t ignore this message any more kind of way.”
(jibbers incoherently) Must… blog…. ergle…
Emma Newmans last blog post..The rule of three
Again, really well said. Very nice. I don’t spew personal stuff, but maintain a consistent level of openness that has felt comfortable from the get-go of my onlineness.
Oh, I just notice your “Twitter version” thing. Very smart.
Peace.
@vinylart
Daniel Edlens last blog post..Thankfully Speechless
Hi Havi,
I think I may devote a whole blog post to this topic once I get through processing it. It’s so easy to turn authenticity and openness into a “should”, particularly when you’re an introvert and in all likelihood an HSP and everyone keeps telling you to loosen up and stop hiding. Thanks for sharing this. It’s given me a lot to think about.
Keely H.s last blog post..Marketing for Writers
well said! great reading users comments.