Have you ever noticed how when you lose something you’ve written, it just happens to be the one piece that is completely brilliant?
Because pretty much the only time I’m absolutely positive that what I’ve written is full of sparkly bits of genius is when I don’t have a shot in hell of getting it back.
All this to say that — despite my obsessive file-saving and mad backing-up tendencies — my beautiful blog post has disappeared forever.
So we’re talking about something else today. Apparently. Hi.
What would a pirate queen do?
Remember when I said I needed to take some of my stucknesses to Carolyn?
That seemed like a smart thing to do. Because Carolyn is awesome and also because she helped me sort out my pirate invisibility issue a few weeks ago.
I explained the problem.
Basically, my stucknesses are of the opinion that I am not allowed to be beautiful or do anything that might draw attention to myself because people will hate me and be jealous.
And Carolyn, who is very wise, asked, “What about the pirate queen? Is she not allowed to be beautiful or draw attention to herself?”
Which made me laugh.
Remembering that you’re a pirate queen is hard work.
I haven’t been a pirate queen for all that long. It’s a pretty recent development.
So yeah, sometimes I forget.
Here’s what our conversation sounded like:
Carolyn: So … the Pirate Queen is allowed to be beautiful, right?
Me: Pffft. Hell, yeah. She’s totally hot. It’s like, practically a requirement.
Carolyn: That’s what I thought. So … what are the qualities of pirate beauty?
Me: Strong. Powerful. Glowy. Vivacious. Determined. Unique. Surprising.
Carolyn: And what does the Pirate Queen think about other people being jealous or hating her because of these qualities?
Me: Why would she care about that?
Carolyn: raises eyebrow
Me: She doesn’t even notice that sort of thing. It has nothing to do with her. It’s their stuff. It’s their responsibility. They can have it.
Carolyn: They can have it.
Me: Yeah.
Carolyn: And what are the good things that come from having pirate beauty?
Me: I don’t know.
So I did a little wacky meditation on it.
Carolyn suggested that I sit with the phrase “My pirate beauty attracts all the right things”.
Right.
I didn’t feel comfortable with the wording, but I could imagine eventually wanting to feel comfortable with it. And so I went with it.
And here’s what happened.
I’m standing on the shore, squinting at the ship in the sun. The pirate queen is standing at the bow looking gorgeous and fierce and kind all at once.
She’s cupping her hands to her mouth so she can shout at me and she’s shouting that I should hurry up and join her.
But I can’t.
I want to retreat into the trees behind me. But I also don’t want her to leave me.
So I climb up onto a rock and determine to study the Pirate Queen. To learn what it is that makes her so confident about her pirate ways. And to find out, as Carolyn suggested, what good things come from pirate beauty.
And the strangest thing happened.
Watching the pirate queen, I realized that I was expecting that she’d attract a lot of pain and crap that she would then powerfully deflect.
That people would hate her and harass her, but that she’d be tough enough to not care.
But that’s not what happened.
Instead, it was as if dangerous things didn’t even come near her. Because they couldn’t.
What happened was that the people who were drawn to her were intrigued by her way of being. They became fiercely loyal to her vision. They became protectors and defenders of all that was related to her.
And she just kept on doing her confident, beautiful, creative thing in the middle of that love and protection.
Even better than that, other people came to watch her do it. And you could see how it inspired them to go off and do their own thing. How her quiet power gave them permission to have power too.
It was seriously cool.
And then I was on the ship.
The pirate queen and I were standing arm and arm, watching.
Watching the gap between us and the shore widen and widen until there was nothing to see but a great expanse of blue.
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Maybe it would be easier to remember you are a pirate queen if you dressed like one? I think an eyepatch would look good on you. 🙂
You’re so right though, we need the pirate queen to give us permission to be great. At least, I think I do. Much of my motivation isn’t: “yeah, I can do it, rah!” It’s more like: “well, she can do it, why not me?”
It has nothing to do with her. Right. Great stuff.
Thanks.
This post was so good I don’t think we mere mortals could’ve taken the lost “brilliant” one 😉
Andis last blog post..An Open Letter to Governor Strickland
Havi, you always manage to post exactly what I need to hear at any particular time: or I always manage to hit it int the archives at exactly the right time…
Is that part of being “right people” or are you just psychic?
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@Willie – !
I am so so so with you on the reminders. Will definitely be giving myself the homework of getting some appropriately pirate-ey things to wear.
And nice insight. The permission thing is so huge.
@Andi – oh, now I feel a thousand times better. Thank you.
@Romilly – how completely perfect. I *am* kind of psychic but yeah, that’s probably more of the right people right place right time sort of thing. Anyway, I’m happy that what I needed was what you needed because that’s very handy. 🙂
Thank you, dear Havi. This post spoke to me so clearly and strongly this morning–just what I needed to hear today.
And I love Willie’s suggestion of dressing like a Pirate Queen, only Havi-style! 🙂
Love, Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Shepherd, Steward, Saint or Angel: What Kind of Leader Are You?
I want to hear more about the “Havi is psychic” thing!
This post was hard to read for me, because I’m having a very bad week and am just about back to the “I’m the scum of the earth” thing; feeling like I could be great is very far away. But you reminded me a little, that maybe I can be a little less scummy in time? So thanks.
I wish I had a pirate queen. My “ideal me” is so intimidating, I don’t know how to interact with her!
Lucy Viret (aka randomling)s last blog post..Love. It has teeth.
How interesting that you describe the pirate queen *drawing people who are intrigued by her and who become fiercely loyal to her vision.* Because this is exactly how I (and, I think, how your other fans and clients) see you!
s.
Willie is absolutely right!
You should dress up as a pirate, take a bunch of impressive, motivating photos of yourself, and post them all around your workspace.
I think seeing your pirate self every morning would be “just a bit” more inspirational than the old “Hang in their kitty” poster. 😉
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Wait, you weren’t already standing on the pirate ship? Just goes to show you you can’t tell nothin standing on the outside.
From the first time I read this blog (back before I was even metanoid), I was totally dazzled by your inner jewel, your essential Haviness. Literally, it was “holy crap, how does anyone get so…shiny?” Or whatever the technical word a jeweler would use for that quality (because shiny makes it sound like I’m talking about glitter and I HATE glitter).
Anyhow, I’m glad to hear you’re back to proper form, swashbuckling and being awesome.
Wow… I feel like whenever I am struggling with something (this time its the desire to be seen and noticed, but not feeling safe or sure or good enough to draw attention from those I would like to notice i exist) it seems you write about something similar or related, or at least something I can take away as a thought to get through…
Thanks
Pams last blog post..Fighting my natural instincts
Hi Havi,
Thanks for making me cry again. It’s a good kinda cry, the self-accepting kind. The “I’m reminded again” cry. I ran over to read this cuz there is this kinda running from myself thing I’ve been doing. I get bonked on the head with it from time to time and usually by a really good friend who is not afraid to “go there” with me. My stuckness is more about “being the light” which beauty and light I guess could be very interchangeable. But same core issue, afraid of attracting darkness (jealousy, resentment, I’m-gonna-get-you kinda stuff).
So like Hiro said, your post was perfectly perfect. Just what I needed to be reminded of… and I was brought back to another awesome self-accepting-cry post you wrote about ‘surrounding yourself with people who adore you.’ Like seriously worship-the-ground-I-walk-on adore me.
So I’m headed out into my day. This time taking a lil bit your Pirate Queen with me, well MY Pirate Queen with me; you need yours, I need mine. We all need our own Pirate Queen. And I’ll see what beautiful, confident, creative thing becomes of today! ::: SMILES :::
And thanks for being You Havi. A real treasure in these piratey times!
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“How her quiet power gave them permission to have power too.”
I LOVE this.
Love it.
That permission thing you do really is so, so powerful.
I just wanted to echo what everyone else is saying. Keep on pirating, girl. You are on to something.
Danielles last blog post..An update, a new blog and other yummy stuff.
This pushed so many of my buttons. I have such a hard time allowing myself to be beautiful and powerful. Reading this was both awesome, hard, and terrifying at the same time.
Maybe it’s because I’m feeling horribly vulnerable today already, but I wanna cry and dance at the same time right now.
I’m so glad that you have a pirate queen, because you are beautiful and wonderful.
Plus pirates kick ass.
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I am always completely relieved when whatever bizarre things are happening inside my head coincide with stuff that you guys are working on too. It makes the whole thing that much less crazy and that much more useful.
@Sarah – right? I’m there for the ass-kicking. 🙂
@Mynde – yay, fellow pirate friends! Go out there and pirate it up for me.
@Pam – nice summing up of how confusing it is to feel so conflicted around the seen-not-seen thing. I can really identify with that.
@Jason – that is the most beautiful thing ever. Thank you!
@Danielle – I’ll keep pirating if you keep pirating! I love seeing the things you’re working on take shape. It’s the coolest thing ever.
@Lucy – oh, yeah. Hard hard hard. Slightly less scummy is totally a completely legitimate goal.
And yeah, I’ve spent years and years in the scum and still end up there over and over again … so it isn’t all fear of shining. Sometimes it’s really just about the scum. And all parts of it are challenging in their own ways.
All that to say: love to you and I’m sorry it sucks right now and wishing you the stuff you need to get through it.
@Germinational – *blows kiss*
@Hiro & Andrew – Oh, it’s wardrobe time. We’ll put together something fabulous. I’m not promising pictures, but who knows? There is definitely still the possibility that it could end up being the most bizarre motivational poster ever …
I’m open to all sorts of weird stuff, so I suppose that could work too. 🙂
Thank-you.
I think my fear is that being beautiful and powerful is a kind of “taking more than my share” – a selfish thing that would make the world poorer by the measure in which I bloomed – hence the resentment and retribution.
Yet, as you say, the pirate queen attracts good things, inspires those around her to be better, lighter, braver – and I know this when I meet her and her kind. I can see that beauty and strength and fierce kindness are a better contribution to humanity than homely cringing self-effacement – how perverse that the latter feels not only safe, but virtuous.
Ruths last blog post..Foggy
I’m also having a crapoid week, feeling like dung about myself, feeling unworthy, etc. My friend always tells me that by slinging all this crap around, I am creating the fodder, the fertilizer, as it were, to plant something beautiful — like self love.
Oddly, I often feel terrible about myself around this one specific area, which is academia (I’m writing my dissertation). In other realms, say, my professional life, I feel confident. I’m currently applying for post-academic jobs, and I routinely write myself sterling cover letters, praising my own stellar skill set and impressive work accomplishments. I wouldn’t be caught dead doing this about my scholarship.
So I decided to write my own cover letter – but one that focuses on all my life’s accomplishments, from personal to professional to academic.
Then I realized what would be *even better* would be to write my own Letter of Recommendation. So, I’m doing that. I’m writing a letter (on professional, university letterhead) from the future me (who is, of course, a PhD) about the current me to the Universe (or some similar omniscient being who intimidates me). I am offering concrete examples of my successes, skills, and positive qualities. It’s quite a powerful practice thus far. It will be several pages, and hopefully it will be something to look back on when I’m feeling really down on myself.
Havi, I have to thank you for stirring up creativity in me and for helping me learn my own techniques for self-impowerment.
You know, of course, that one of the great things about being Pirate Queen is that your crown is *whatever you’re wearing*. Pirates don’t go in for formality or conformity so it could just as easily be a bandanna as a gold circlet. Just being the Pirate Queen makes it a crown.
Plus they have monkeys (and I’m still holding out for that Jester/Fool position. Have I shown you my fish juggling skills lately? Well, not so much juggling as throwing them in the air and avoiding them as they fall. Mostly avoiding them.).
Oh, and BTW, being Pirate Queen makes your gentleman friend your consort.
Have fun and tell Stu I said “McCarthyism fondle androids”… :^P
Havi
Here’s to Havi, the Pirate Queen, with her magical sword that slices thru all destuckifications to release the heart of truth, who negotiates with the king of trolls and fog and walls, and who travels the seven seas of the internet with her merry crew to touch and transform the souls of her right people.
To Havi – who fearlessly (and when need be, fearfully) holds the burning light of kindness for us to follow.
Thank you.
Meredith
PS: Thanks to the tricksters of the universe that snagged that “perfect” post from your computer. Sometimes they know best.
Merediths last blog post..How I handle the internet firehose of information that teaches me the internet biz
Amazingly insightful. Your Carolyn sounds a lot like my Cheryl. Aren’t we blessed to have such strong ladies to help guide us through the rough seas of our own mental storms. And aren’t we even more blessed to be able to pass along the wisdom.
Keep writing. Keep inspiring. And above all, KEEP PIRATING!
(I came to this post via a tweet from @JessRS. I owe her a big thank you!)
Damama Ts last blog post..Evil in a box.
Oh, hell yeah.
Go Havi!
Havi, you keep showing me how it’s done. I’m having such a look at jealousy these days and it often has my cheeks burning up crimson and yet, whattcha gonna do but keep coming out and showing up, right? So, today, something about what you are saying loosens it up just a wee bit.
Oh and pirates? Pirates, yes: “gorgeous and fierce and kind all at once.” I love those things about pirates. Pirates are where it’s at. Which might be part of why I cannot stop crushing on Johnny Depp, who was a pirate way before the Caribbean… and you? you too. You’ve been a pirate something like forever, I think.
Heidi Fischbachs last blog post..A poem came pounding on my door…
Oh, and, don’t know what kind of brilliance got lost in the ether, but lucky for me, this is what got posted! Just sayin.
Heidi Fischbachs last blog post..A poem came pounding on my door…
I don’t know about the lost blog post, but this one was just what I needed. Last night was filled with not so good things so today my spirit is sinking. This is propping it up and giving me something to think about. Thanks.
The pirate queen suits you, all you need is some pirate-y things of your own.
Sydneys last blog post..Rooftops in the Negative
Thanks for all the pirate-ey encouragement. And the juggling! (Gilbert! I adore you.)
Loving all your insights. Can’t wait to see what else comes from this, for me and for you too.
I have nothing remotely useful or insightful to contribute, but I have to tell you how much I love this blog, especially for posts like this. Beautiful stuff. Fierce and gorgeous and kind.
“the people who were drawn to her were intrigued by her way of being. They became fiercely loyal to her vision. They became protectors and defenders of all that was related to her.
And she just kept on doing her confident, beautiful, creative thing in the middle of that love and protection.
Even better than that, other people came to watch her do it. And you could see how it inspired them to go off and do their own thing. How her quiet power gave them permission to have power too. ”
Crap. I have to go walk around the building and cry.
Andrew Lightheart @alighthearts last blog post..Structure your presentation to answer their questions
How funny/weird that we can allow our Pirate Queen (or our avatar of choice) to be beautiful and powerful and all those things that, well… we can’t allow ourselves to be. How funny, actually, that we take for granted she has all those amazing qualities, while we take for granted that we *so* don’t have them. Yeah, remembering we are her is hard.
I must say, though, that you’re doing an awesome job of being the Pirate Queen, even when you forget you are the Pirate Queen. Thank you Havi for being there, doing your confident, beautiful, creative thing. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to watch you do it, and for inspiring us to go off and do our own thing. Thank you for letting us make the experience of your quiet power, which gives us permission to have power too. That’s powerful stuff.
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