Ah yes. This is me, freaking out about Berlin.
Actually, I love Berlin madly and obsessively so it’s not that. This is me freaking out about the fact that I’m on my way there and not ready for it. Again.
No, actually, this is me writing my “I’m freaking out about being on the way to Berlin” post.
Which is, apparently, an annual tradition.
If an annual tradition can be something you also did last year.
A bit about the annual tradition.
So it was more than a year ago. But only by a few months.
June 18, 2008 is when I wrote that post.
And then I wrote an open letter to my Twitter stalker burglar which was an unintentional useful exercise in Right People experimentation.
Because (going by email responses, comments and people’s worried quesitons), about half of my (admittedly small) readership thought it was hysterically funny and the other half didn’t really get that it was, in fact, mostly tongue-in-cheek-ish.
Though I’m pretty sure the comments from Snidely Whiplash and lolcat burglar are actually my brother. Who is, weirdly enough, just one guy.
Why this is kind of ridiculous.
This is my sixth teaching trip to Berlin. Seventh time in Germany. Fourth trip there with my gentleman friend.
We both speak German.
I know east Berlin like the back of my hand and he knows west Berlin like the back of his hand, and between the two of us and our impressive backs-of-hands … we could not be more at home.
Oh, and we have an amazing place to stay (remember Andreas who fetishizes my duck and sneakily got her into a poster that lives in the bathroom?).
Plus I have a fabulous fanbase of Shivanauts to do crazy-great workshops with, and Selma and I keep getting invited back to teach at the big Yoga Festival again (I’m thinking 2011?).
Short version: I love being in Berlin. That’s why I go there every single year for a month or so.
And yet … every single time. The freak-out of right before.
Why this is necessary. Or — if not necessary — why it makes sense.
I think because it sneaks up on me.
Never prepared.
And because Berlin also comes with its own share of baggage.
My ex is there. One of the hardest years of my life happened there. The evil ear infection (also hinted at here) the poverty, the hard.
And in addition to my history in a personal sense, there is still the history. Which is heavy and hard.
It’s a loaded place. And I’m highly sensitive and have weird intuitive abilities, so I pick up on a lot of old stuff. The buildings talk to me.
I have to do a lot of self-protecting stuff.
So it makes sense that this “ohmygod I’m about to be there” thing would happen every year.
And I’m sure next year I’ll have already shifted the pattern in miniscule ways and be freaking out at least three days earlier. Which, of course, is a good thing. But I’m not sure why. Lovely.
And, speaking of good things, the good things that make it all worth doing.
Berlin! My love! Being there is home in a really intimate, comfortable way.
If things go right my best friend Keren (whom I haven’t seen in four years) will be there.
Along with a bunch of other friends from Tel Aviv. I’ll probably end up speaking more Hebrew than German.
Also, cheese! Don’t even get me started on anything bread-and-cheese related. Roggenbrot! Butterkaese!
Not to mention cottage cheese with, oh, about 19% fat. Germany is hardcore. And I approve! Highly!
Oh, right, and all my favorite people. Like Andreas and Lars.
My wonderful students. The studios where I teach.
The point a few days or weeks into it all when my German is all of a sudden 100% back and I can just babble on happily for hours.
Drinking Carokaffee (embarrassing fake-coffee* made with barley and chicory) in my favorite cafe.
*When you haven’t had coffee in nine and a half years, faking it is pretty good, actually.
It’s part of the ritual.
Okay, so maybe at some point I’ll be able to have a ritual for this annual transition that doesn’t involve falling apart a little bit.
But where I’m at right now is working for me for now.
The noticing, the remembering, the permission, the reminding, the tuning-back-in to the thing that I need.
It’s all helpful.
Plus this post has been fun to write because I’ve gotten to re-read posts of mine from “way back” and think “Really? Was that me? My posts were kind of … stilted.”
And also, “Really? Did people really hardly comment on this blog? Where was everyone?”
I hope I’m not supposed to have a point.
Because it’s just me. Doing my ritual.
It makes me feel better.
Comment zen for today:
Please don’t try to cheer me up or calm me down. Or really anything up or down.
I also don’t want advice right now. Just be with me in the weird and the hard and the excited. That would be great. And I will update. Maybe even from my favorite cafe.
Follow
Hiya Pilgrim (in a http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilgrimage sorta way). This hug is absolutely horizontal. No up. No down. Just hug-ness.
.-= Erika Harris´s last post … What color are you? =-.
I have a similar feeling whenever I travel back home to BC, and I hate it in the moment, but right now I’d love to have it. That mix of excitement and fear, because at that point, *anything could happen*! That’s terrifying and wonderful!
.-= Ophélie Lechat´s last post … Zero new messages =-.
Hey Havi:
Being with you in the hard and soft of getting ready – wishing you and your gentleman friend gay-gzenduheit and cum gzenduheit (Hebrew for blessings on your way – go and come in good health!)
I appreciate that you’re sharing your process with us – helps me a lot.
xox
.-= Char´s last post … test =-.
I don’t know how to phrase anything so it doesn’t come out advice-y, but loved the link to the Twitter stalker. Whenever we went anywhere when I was a kid, I was told explicitly to not tell my friends we were going out of town, because we wouldn’t want to be robbed while we were away. Ah, the good old days.
I go through similar processes whenever doing a show or opening. Thank you for sharing your process, and looking forward to the updates from on the road 😀
.-= Andi´s last post … Not a Personal Ad =-.
Hi sweet Havi,
Holding you in a field of love and blessing so you can safely be with your pre-Berlin-trip weird and hard and excited.
Lots of love,
Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Sunday Poem #7 =-.
Sending love. That is all. 🙂
I had not read the Twitter stalker post. Lots of giggles. It sounded sort of similar to my house, except I don’t make my own shampoo. (Though I do randomly consider the no-shampoo thing where you wipe your hair with vinegar I think, it’s just so fascinating to me.)
.-= elizabeth halt´s last post … yellow roman candles =-.
Have fun in Berlin! I’m wishing hardcore for a complete lack of traveling drama for you!
.-= Tara´s last post … Fiber Friday – Cotton-licious Edition =-.
@elizabeth – oh, yeah. Coffee grounds work well too. You can also do baking soda. Haven’t gotten to the “just passing a bottle of vinegar over my head” ritual yet (a la gin martinis) but may get there eventually.
@Erika – pilgrim hugs! pilgrim hugs!
Whoo. Off to go do a bunch of things and not-pack, because really, why pack when you’re going to another country for two months?
Glad to see you are fab as always today, Havi.
.-= [Charlene]´s last post … Help Me Speak At SXSW Interactive =-.
Havi, just being here with you, holding a mug of Caro “coffee” in my hand. And I thought I was the only person in the world who liked Caro! (I like mine flavoured with vanilla: I just dump a vanilla bean amid the granules and they pick up the flavour.)
I am hoping that the buildings have been saving some happy stories for you to hear this time. Maybe about cheese 🙂
Am also energizing my underwire such that you do not get felt up by some strange old lady in the security line.
And I’m happy that you get to go to a place that is a version of home, with all of the baggage-under-the-bed that comes with it. City-wide Hug, delivered on arrival.
Safe Travel!
Love this because as Berlin is to Havi, LA is to Claire.
Except I haven’t been back in years and had sort of said I wouldn’t until things were…or rather I was…together, settled? Of course that hasn’t happened, but I’ve been thinking about going for a visit quite a bit this year anyway.
.-= claire´s last post … Free $5 credit for mp3s from Amazon-deal expires 8/31 =-.
I am freaking out about a trip I will be taking in a few weeks. So I will just be with you, because I am in more or less the same place. For my own special reasons, of course, but with a similar outcome.
.-= Amber´s last post … Waiting on Hold =-.
Havi,
Berlin! Whoo!
Wishing you well with the freaking-out-tradition and the not-packing and the general getting ready and feeling ready and not ready for Berlin! And wonderful times in your favorite city, with lots of cheese, and a manageable, pleasant even, flight to and from.
Love and hugs–
Janet
Havi, great big to you. I don’t have any places that affect me like that but being a guy (and by definition mostly insensitive) I can at least relate to a sense of excitement and anticipation.
Doesn’t really matter if I, or anybody else, understands though. It’s real to you. I can offer you sympathy, even empathy, but it’s still not your reality.
Unlike everybody else, though, I’m not going to wish you peace and no irritants or drama. I’m going to wish you precisely what you need to grow and reach another potential. The suck is sometimes the only way to get to the good. It still sucks though. Especially when nobody else can completely understand.
And, yes, I would totally burn down a barn with you. ;^P
Well, you know, you’re just one gal. Or guyette, if that’s better.
Whoa! Cool! Kool! Berlin!
I feel relieved to read that others freak out in these ways before trips to, yes, even their favorite places in the world. I adore traveling to other places, get a high from it pretty much always, in spite of whatever freakout. So yay Havi! Have a blast. And I’m so glad you have the back of your and your gentleman friend’s hands and so many friends and so many languages and so much love. Yay!
.-= Heidi Fischbach (@curiousHeidiHi)´s last post … Away =-.
Sending you love and light and completely neutral support and hugs, knowing that you will have exactly what you need when you need it for this trip.
Anxiety and excitement usually go hand in hand for me – they certainly did last week!
Fly safely.
.-= G. Romilly´s last post … Stitching over the Seams =-.
Oh yes, the freaking out and falling apart a little bit before leaving… I had it bad before leaving for Taos. But it was kind of good, totally “where I’m at right now is working for me for now”, even though it was also really hard. My gentleman friend totally helped me with the getting started to get ready even through it all, and I was grateful for it. I was even more grateful for the fact that I recognised it as a pattern: that helped me find the words to explain to him what was happening, and telling him that “the noticing, the remembering, the permission, the reminding, the tuning-back-in to the thing that I need” was all good and very useful.
I’m wishing you feelings of safety and comfort, and valuable experiences. Big hugs to you.
.-= Josiane´s last post … Retreating to write – and being treated to so much more =-.
In Berlin, by the wall
you were five foot ten inches tall
It was very nice
candlelight and Dubonnet on ice
Hey Brooks, how come you never ask for Lou Reed lyrics in comment zen?
@jon – you can kind of assume that I’m always secretly asking for Lou Reed lyrics in comment zen. Because really, what is comment zen if not one big request for Lou Reed lyrics? Though I’m also open to the Pogues.
@Alison – guyette! I think I might be in love with you.
@Alicia – thank you! Whatever weird things you did to your underwire totally helped! Or didn’t not-help! Because it was a smooth non-intrusive experience. Here’s to not getting molested by strange old ladies in uniform.
@Gilbert – You know, that’s so interesting that you bring this up.
Because we all have had the experience of the thing-that’s-really-challenging hold the greatest blessing. And it happens so often that it’s really easy to think that this is where the blessings *live* — in the hard.
And then lately I have been finding that I’m also getting so many amazing epiphanies or gifts from things that aren’t hard. It’s as though things that used to be hard are getting softer.
And in that soft are also all these really awesome understandings that I wasn’t letting myself have, because I have this hardcore rule that all my learning has to happen where it’s hard.
So my practice lately has been letting things happen in ease, and finding out what the hidden good stuff is there, in the place where I’d never thought to look.
It’s not that I’m going to stop taking Useful Understandings from the hard, just that I’m opening up space for them to come (theoretically, at least) from the not-so-hard.
And — as always — I madly appreciate all your Gilbert-wishes, in whatever form they take. Knowing you is one of my favorite things. I’d burn barns (or bars) with you whenever. Maybe even both at the same time? Because that seems like it would be extra fun.