Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
The word for this week is progably, which is how I keep spelling probably.
As in, Selma and I will progably be back from North Carolina by the time the Chicken goes up. Yes. Well.
I keep hoping that if I just bring enough attention to this particular pattern, that it will resolve itself.
But … progably not.
The hard stuff
Brain overload.
The Barbara Sher retreat was pretty amazing (see under: good stuff).
It was also very intense. I got too full.
Body pain from sitting. Brain pain from thinking.
Too much.
Introvert pain.
I don’t really think of myself as an introvert most of the time because I’m too busy thinking of myself as a cranky misanthrope.
But yes. Being around people for more than short periods of time drains me rather than energizing me.
And the retreat was five days. At any given point Selma and I were in a room with five to fifteen people.
Here’s the thing. I absolutely cannot do the people thing for more than a couple hours. And if I do? I need loooooong periods of time to recover.
But there were no periods of time to recover in.
So I went into highly sensitive introvert panic mode and had to keep running away.
I just need so much more alone time than what I was able to get for myself this week. A lot of discomfort there.
Oh, and I lost my wallet.
Luckily not the one that had my all my co-op member cards and stuff. Jeez.
But driver’s license and credit card. Ugh.
Scrapes and scars.
Somehow I managed to get four different cuts on my right hand. Ow.
Completely irritating. It’s the spacing out that annoys me more than the cuts or the lost driver’s license.
How did I not notice any of this stuff?
And that’s where the brain overload thing goes from annoying to scary.
And wear and tear.
Last week I mentioned how all my clothing is falling apart? I get to the retreat and my socks have holes, my favorite dress gets an olive oil stain, and my one pair of pants get a rip.
Lovely.
My outsider complex.
I know. Everyone has one.
But it still seems that I am invariably the odd one out.
Because as always — this is true for every retreat/seminar/whatever I’ve ever been to — I’m the youngest, the most biggified and the only one who is accompanied by a duck.
Which is a weird combination. You think we’d be used to it, but we’re not.
And then this: Aside from actually being young, I look younger than I am. I know that, but apparently everyone thought I was more like ten years younger.
Which is progably flattering. But also really weird. Yes, I started my successful coaching and consulting company when I was seventeen. What?!
Not to mention the incongruity of being in a world where hardly anyone knows who you are.
Yup. Have been coasting on the internet fame for far too long.
It’s been forever since I had to tell someone what I do (I have no clue) or who Selma is.
Very odd. Not bad. But anxiety-inducing. A little. Yes.
Shoe-throwing.
Every once in a while, someone who has no business being anywhere near my business finds their way in.
This person thought they could take advantage of a system loophole, and when I called them on it, they started throwing shoes all over the place, and we had to show them the door.
I mind the shoes a hell of a lot less than I used to, but I really don’t like the fact that anyone other than my Right People can show up in the general Fluent Self orbit. Working on that.
Missing my gentleman friend.
No more of this retreating nonsense! I want a hug!
Way way way too many fake band names.
They just won’t stop. How am I supposed to choose the fake band of the week with this massive run of ridiculousness?
And onward to the good.
The good stuff
The retreat.
Barbara Sher! Barbara Sher! Barbara Sher! She is absolutely amazing.
And really, really funny.
And man, does she have a dirty mouth. It was awesome.
I will follow her anywhere.
Got a room with carpeting.
Makes it way easier to keep to the morning yoga with all this traveling.
My tiny bag.
Sure, I write about traveling light.
But when people see it, they’re totally impressed.
It’s a small thing, but I like it.
I got to meet Amna!
You probably know her as @Germinational if you’re on Twitter.
I like her!
A lot!
Expect to hear plenty more about her. Because she is going to be doing great stuff.
Amna made me foods!
Really good foods.
I love it when people make me foods.
Mmmmmm. Foods.
Huge biggification steps.
The stuff we were working on at the retreat was super helpful.
I know a lot of things now that I didn’t realize I knew/needed/wanted. And I’m running with them. And it’s very exciting.
Nothing crashed and burned while I was gone.
The pirate ship is still running smoothly.
The Kitchen Table is still the best place in the entire world.
I managed to write a few blog posts despite having no time and being exhausted.
And this is proof that my systems are working. Because I was able to step away — not on Emergency Vacation — and everything ran like clockwork. Phew.
I got to see the Blonde Chicken again!
I know you’re thinking, didn’t we just have the Blonde Chicken Chicken Chicken? And no, it was a while ago.
But still.
So cool to finally meet an internet friend in person and then … see her again a few months later.
Massage.
Some wonderful people at the Twitter bar recommended places to stay in/near Asheville (especially @robknapp who is the most generous, helpful person ever) and I ended up with gorgeous accommodations.
And got upgraded to a suite. You’ve probably never seen a duck in a suite before. It was cool.
And we got a massage from a woman named Diedre. And there are no words to describe the happy.
I’m apparently over my massage trauma.
Back home.
As of … late late late last night.
But it’s home. Hoppy House! And this crazy, wonderful, complicated, exhausting, biggifying week is over.
And … playing live at the meme beach house!
Yes, that’s a Stuism too.
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is:
Begging For Parody.
It’s really just one guy.
And yeah, Stu will be back next week when I’m not all retreat-ey.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.
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“I donāt really think of myself as an introvert most of the time because Iām too busy thinking of myself as a cranky misanthrope.”
I *love* that you think this about yourself. Because I think this about myself, too. And sometimes that makes me feel like a bad person. And you’re not a bad person. So neither am I.
(Actually, though, something’s shifted, because suddenly I’m discovering that actually, I quite like people, actually. As long as I can get away from them when I need to, obviously.)
“I look younger than I am.”
I hear you, sister. I’m 36, people! 36!
All it takes to upset me is for someone to call me ‘love’, or ‘sweetheart’. Please, people, treat me with a little dignity! Sure, I’m quiet, and I look young, but that doesn’t mean I’m ‘cute’ or ‘sweet’ or need patronising. Can you not see the invisible crown? And while we’re at it, could you also not patronise young people and children, cos, you know, they’re also people.
Oh look, my stuff is showing.
Woo Chickeneers of the high seas!
@havi and @kate i too am young in the circles I move in but not *that* young. People have always thought I’m younger than i am. I’m 37! Really, I mean *really*, how did that happen?
Another odd but ok week.
The Hard
It was busy. Monday felt like having not enough time again, endless online meetings with colleagues and one in particular that bummed me out big style – another giant piece of work is lurking around the corner and it doesn’t come with enough money for staffing so it feels like a huge monster waiting to eat us all up.
Tuesday was a get stuff done in the morning and jump in the car kind of day. I had to be really organised to make it all work.
Wednesday – ran a training course all day. There’s always a bit of hard doing this. It was the 16th time I had run the course.. ohooooo a bit bored of it even when the people are interesting and some are even pretty cool.
Got home late wednesday night and up at 6am next morning to get to London for a team meeting. feeling pretty tired..
Haven’t seen much of Wifey this week, a bit of ships in the night stuff going on..
The Good
I feel much calmer than i have recently, am approaching the big deadline but not freaking out.
i organised my leave and made a decision to take a longer break at christmas because i want to stop for a bit without the holidays being all about the crazy family stuff.
the training course meant that i got to stay with my mum. retirement is suiting her like crazy. she looks ten years younger than 61 let me tell you! amazing what autonomy can do.
I’ve been good about blogging regularly and enjoying messing with my website, it’s still not exactly as I want it and there’s stuff to add but it feels good.
in amongst all the crazy, wifey can always make me laugh at something.
have a great weekend Chickeneers. onward and upward and hey you Americans, isn’t Thanksgiving soon?
Lucy x
So nice to know I’m not the only HSP introvert cranky misanthrope! I actually once took a three-month sabbatical from all social engagements. I still went in to work, but that was it. It was FABULOUS.
The Hard this week.
I’m still sick. Still. Four days after I broke down and saw the doctor and got antibiotics, I’m only enough better to be able to be upright all day, but still not able to, you know, THINK. And then I woke up with a goopy eye. Really, universe? Really? Off to the doctor again.
I had a fabulous coaching session around my chronic illnesses (because this week was just the cherry on the crappy-health sundae), but wow. Hard.
And the groceries didn’t get delivered when they were supposed to, so we’re eating crap.
The Good this week.
Because of all the ick, I worked from home three days this week, reinforcing my sense that, mmmmmm, I like working from home. Working from home is How It Is Supposed to Be.
I didn’t push myself through the feeling icky. I stayed home when I needed to.
All of that meant lots of snuggly time with the animals, who piled on the bed with me when I’ve been working from home.
Oh, and I read through all of Havi’s archives, which was fabulous. Heading for the Shiva Nata blog next.
Havi, glad you made it home!
Looking younger than you are: Ha. Both of you. Just wait. One day it will catch up to you and you will suddenly realize you look like someone your mother’s age and dashing young men are calling you “Ma’am” instead of “Hon.”
However, at this point the crown is no longer invisible even when you aren’t wearing it. Being wrapped in authority (without effort) is a good thing.
Good this week: Several lovely things.
+ New client group. Yay!
+ Very, very, VERY smooth design approval processes from two clients. Completely unexpected. My crown must have been showing.
+ Answering a (to me) fairly simple question for our favorite Blonde Chicken and having her publicly tweet “She’s a genius! Hire her!” Wow! My crown immediately hit the underside of the next bridge I went under because my head swelled so much. š
Hard this week: Wow, what happened? Nothing much hard this week.
Hope everyone has a restful and unstressed weekend, with lots of recuperation time and progablies.
Oh that sounds so hard! As I was reading this, I was realizing that I don’t like being around lots of people for very long either. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me, so thanks for making it okay to feel this way.
And when I read you lost your driver’s license, all I could think was “good gracious – what about airport security?! I hope she got home okay!” So I’m really really glad you did!
The hard…
– My arms are hurting a lot. I figured out recently it is from too much working on the computer. (Duh!) Fortunately, last deadline is today so I will be able to reduce my schedule and recover. Hopefully.
– Starting to panic a bit as I don’t have any bigger projects approved yet. A few little things, but nothing big after this week. I’m sure something will pop soon, but meantime there is just a bit of fear that thew work will dry up.
– My desktop UPS seems to have died last night. I had to bypass it this morning just to boot my computer. Stupid technology [sticks tongue out].
The good…
– Had an awesome consulting session with @Ittybiz yesterday wherein I learned several useful things. Very cool.
– It appears that I’m going to hit both my simultaneous deadlines. Pretty amazing since the last couple of weeks all I could think was “there is no hope”! Awesome.
– I went to two “events” this week and talked to strangers. Not my favorite thing, but I am definitely going to get better at this. My goal is to do it enough that I hate it less (or even learn to like it) and get semi-good at it (or at least suck less).
.-= Avonelle LovhaugĀ“s last post … Top 5 tasks that get missed in software estimates =-.
Chicken again? Yay (cough, sniff).
Hard:
-I think I progably have the flu. Oh well. This too shall pass.
-I tried to talk to my hub about the hard my greatest friend of all time is going through, just years of grief upon grief, and he said he didn’t want to hear about it. Um. OK?
-He also hasn’t said one thing about my attempt to spew out a book in 30 days, except once to complain about how I seem to be able to make time and space for my own things. Um. OK? The only responses I can think of aren’t very NVC, let’s say, so I just said nothing.
Good:
-I took the day off to take care of myself. I didn’t used to do that. I progably am learning something.
-The writing is going well, and I haven’t needed to use the cushion I’ve built yet. I hit the halfway mark yesterday. Woo-hoo!
-Apparently I can make time and space for my own things. (OK, it’s 4 am and wherever I can find the space, but that’s still good, right?)
Have a fantabulous weekend chickeneers!
.-= EmilyĀ“s last post … Hey Wait a Minute ā This Isnāt Work, Is It? (A NaNoWriMo Update) =-.
I don’t think of myself as an introvert either but I do get way tired after long periods with people. I think it’s because I take the roll of entertainer and that is a lot of work. I wish someone would entertain me!
The Hard:
Not much other than the hubby has been really late at work and I miss him. sniffle. whimper.
The Good:
I went on a mushroom hunt in Central Park. I love entertaining “weird” desires that zizzle through my head like what if I were a person who hunts through the woods all day, in solitude, at one with the ‘shroom and inside myself. A happy huntress.
Next week I’m back in Gloucester, MA for some art therapy and to hug my housedad father (who misses his daughter) and go antiquing with my artsy-feministy mother.
@ Avonelle BE very careful with your posture on the computer. Computer engineer husband says you can really do damage and he should know with all those hours he works on them.
AS always, thanks Havi.
@Kate — Ugh, what gets me is when people *younger than me* (even if only by a few weeks) call me “Kiddo.” If I’m older than you, then I’m only a child if you are, right?
Hard:
-System issues at work make everyone’s job harder.
-C keeps bugging me for what I want for Christmas, but things I need like “new pants” don’t seem to impress him.
-I hate moving. I like having been moved, but I hate moving.
-My stupid eye doctor. Actually, that’s unfair; my eye doctor is cool. His *office staff* is utterly incompetant, though. I have to change brands, so they ordered me a sample. The sample worked fine, so I went to order them online, since it costs less than half as much to order them online than through the doctor’s office. So I ordered them, and got an email back form the website — the prescription doesn’t match my order. So C and I call the eye doctor, and the nurse in charge of contact lens orders basically tells us we’re idiots who can’t read the packaging on the sample (despite the fact that we researched the hell out of it, and the sample is made of an *entirely different material* than the contacts prescribed). Ultimately, I convince her to call the contact lens warehouse or whatever, and they report back… that the doctor’s office *sent back my samples*. So who frigging knows what they gave me, but they work fine and the doctor wrote me a new prescription. But *geez*.
-Been sleeping poorly this week.
Good:
+My parents got a new dog! And she’s very well-behaved unless you’re preparing food, which she then tries to steal (but she backs off once you start actually eating).
+C talks in his sleep, and it’s hilarious. I told him I was leaving for workthe other morning, and he starts fighting with me over wrapping paper! “Hey, I’m leaving now.” “I *said*, the wrapping paper has patterns on *both sides*!!!” “Um, ok.” Hee!
+Once we’re settled, I’ll have more time to write. Between being behind on thank you notes and being behind on NaNoWriMo, this’ll come in handy.
.-= Laura GĀ“s last post … In which I seek a Blogging Buddy (a personal ad). =-.
@Lydia: Re posture at the computer – that is so true!
I’ve had a really, Really, REALLY busy 6 week period where I just worked and worked and worked because I was freaked out about some deadlines. The last one is today, and I am just putting the finishing touches on it. Yay!
My left arm started bothering me a few weeks ago, but I thought it was something else. It was only a few days ago when the right one started bugging me too that the lightbulb went off that it was all the computer work. (Usually it is my right arm that bothers me first because it is my “mouse” hand. I think that would have tipped me off sooner.)
If I had it to do all over again, I would:
* Watch my posture.
* Take more frequent breaks!
* Change things as soon as I encountered a problem.
At this point I’ll be doing all those things in addition to slowing WAY DOWN for a few weeks.
.-= Avonelle LovhaugĀ“s last post … Top 5 tasks that get missed in software estimates =-.
Havi! I blush happily and shuffle my feet.
Hard:
Likewise with the misanthropy from being among people so much. Which makes me think there’s a lot more going on than just introversion – I felt swamped at times, and could probably use a few weeks to recover.
Travel. I say Uncle. My right ear still hasn’t popped open post-flight.
Good:
Barbara fucking Sher! Is there a more awesome teacher in the whole world? I want to marry her and bring her home to live with me forever and ever. But I would have to get in line.
Retreat results! Oh, what a relief it is to know that I know my mission. And to be taking Concrete Steps.
Knowing Havi in person! Who is *even more* gorgeous and hilarious and powerful in person than on the internets, if you can believe it.
So I didn’t have huge amounts of stabilty as a kid. Brought up with a violent daddy where we were afraid for our lives a lot of the time and you know the rest of the time was spent being normal really – playing and loving but also yes of course recovering from the terror and waiting for the next impending moment of THAT SCARY violent STUFF that adults sometimes do to kids.
Your clothes falling apart made me think about lots of things. Lots of triggers.
So since being that scared little kid I seemed to have developed a character thing (I don’t want to label it as a trait if you please) where I lose things that I really need to function, that help me order my life. Or I do other random and seemingly self sabotaging things which also interrupt my ability to flow. I lose: Key, Oyster card (a travel card thingy which gets me around London), mobile phone (clocked up 3 lost phones in the last 6 months) and I get on the wrong Northern Line when I’m due for my dose of weekly therapy which I need and love.
Oh yes and I get words wrong. A great deal. ‘Progably’ ‘Progably’ ‘Progably’
I lack confidence about words ANYWAY and then I find I can’t locate even the most basic words. So I do a whole lot of progablying. No bigee perhaps but for me, the me that wants to feel some control over my brain and word selection choices and the me that would love to feel I was super bright-smart in words and not just touchy feely stuff, its urghhh frustrating. And it’s hard to be in that space a lot. Especially, you know, in front of people and even more so if they’re not into practising compassion to self let alone the likes of me.
But you know Yum Yumm I say – for today at least.
Reading up on your Yoga practise Havi, Selma, people of the magical-confused-stuck-unstuck kind I just noticed that people talk about getting it wrong as a sign of deep change, that that’s the moment when we may be learning something new and big/deep/meaningful when they can’t do the arms and the limbs or something!
So I am hoping that there’s something in that that’s relevant for me here too. Maybe all my learning and practise about what it is to care for myself, well it feels new, it’s taken years of working on stuff to get me this far and I’m still a baby learning these things, but maybe, just maybe, they are a sign that I am doing just what I need to do. Yes sure sometimes the change is too quick or too much for my body and I need to slowwww down and do less. Retreat, rest and stop apologising for it. But just maybe it is a sign that I may be building a new pathway in the brain and that it’s this which is throwing me off kilter. Not just anxiety and fear, those famiar friends/gremlins of mine. Cos change is so unfamiliar I’ve known it to hurt almost as much, if not more, than the original pain or stuckness. Wouldn’t it be great, amazing if it wasn’t just a sign of trauma repeating or awakened in my body, but actually a sign of healing, of repair, of growth? Or a little of both at least.
So I love this post today. I related to it a LOT and there’s always so much more in there than am able to respond to here and now.
I’m off to do something solid and basic and nourishing like hoovering, or maybe my local gym or food. I need all those things today.
So I wish you all the rest that you need for as long as you need it and in whatever form it takes. Thank you all:-Havi, Selma, you guys. I know not everyone may feel this way but today I feel blessed cos as it stands the cup it runneth over progably a lot!
Hey guys!
Or, I must second Lucy: Woo Chickeneers of the high seas!
That makes me all giggly.
And man, I am soooooo relieved that you guys also get annoyed when people say weird age-related things.
Agh. Because — despite being young, cute and looking younger-than-I-am — I STILL get ma’amed, which is also annoying.
And at the hotel I was staying at, they kept referring to me as Mrs. Brooks. Mrs. Brooks?!
@Nina – progably! Thank you.
@Julie – a three month social sabbatical?! You are my hero. I am so inspired. Need to do that! PRONTO. Awesome.
@Kate + Carol – oh, thank you thank you for the image of the invisible crown. Love it. Love. Yay.
@havi
madams and mrses!
the guy who cleans our windows (notice how i can’t call him “my window cleaner”, it’s like saying you have staff) calls me madam. i call him Neil and tell him every time i see him not to call me madam but he carries on.
i think he might be taking the piss.
the other day i was called by a market researcher. even though he had an option for civil partnerships and i told him i was in one, i had to explain that yes i was married but no i was not Mrs Lucy…
have a great weekend all!
Lucy x x
This week was going so well, I was in Yosemite tasting wine and eating delicious food and hiking in the woods, and then I got home and stuff happened. Ugh.
Hard:
My client’s check bounced. It’s the first bounced check I’ve ever gotten. I’m absolutely dreading having to confront them over it. Which I have to do today. Ick!!!
My other client somehow managed to forget that I would be out of town (I *told* them! Really!) and are now upset with me. Groan.
Tired from all the hiking and socializing at Yosemite. I need more alone time.
Good:
Yosemite! In the fall! Happy sigh.
This weekend is my LAST art thing for many months (quite possibly 6+ months). It’s a relaxed, fun open studio with a good friend. No stress. And then I’m DONE with art shows for a nice long time. Yay, time to paint.
.-= Barbara J CarterĀ“s last post … Open Studio this Weekend! =-.
Chicken! Oh how I’ve missed thee these past couple weeks. It makes such a difference to see that other people have to deal with the hard and the good, too.
This week’s hard:
– Struggling with serious tsunami-like waves of outsiderism myself. Seeing mutual friends really hit it off and form tight bonds and feeling left out of it all.
– Fighting artistic block and writer’s block, at just the time that I need to kick into high gear for all the shows I have coming up in the next couple of weeks.
This week’s good:
– My Etsy team, my baby, my labor of love ā Cleveland Handmade ā made it to today’s Etsy Finds e-mail. A great publicity boost for us all.
– The garden is finally prepared for the winter. Bulbs planted, mulch spread, dead branches cut back — nothing to do until spring.
– Some sunshine-through-the-clouds clarity on a couple of things I’ve been fussing about just kind of fell into my lap. Happy to finally know where I’m going with these things and what concrete steps need to be taken next.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
.-= Lori PaximadisĀ“s last post … Technoupgrade =-.
The hard stuff:
– I’m not paying enough attention to my kids.
– It freaks me out FAR TOO MUCH when my internet service provider goes down for a few hours of scheduled maintenance.
– I am not as nice to others as I could be when I am mid freak-out.
The good stuff:
– I am quoted in the newspaper today. Which, yay!
– I was asked to re-post one of my articles to a fancy-schmancy online newsletter.
– My 1-year-old started to say ‘mama’ for real. Which? Is the sweetest thing ever.
Happy Friday!
.-= AmberĀ“s last post … My Kids, The Planet and My Wallet =-.
Longtime no chicken. Good to be back.
Thanks to Havi and Selma, as ever, for creating the space.
The hard:
Right now it all feels hard. So difficult to even differentiate. But I know my life doesn’t look hard to others, and so some of the hard is even feeling enough permission to feel the hard. So maybe I’ll just have some hard themes.
Body hard: Very tired, can’t seem to get rested, new aches and pains, feeling at war with my being.
Disappointment hard: Took a month’s vacation and a much anticipated trip to Europe, it wasn’t what I dreamed and hoped it would be. Artistic collaboration group not turning out to be fun and bonding, like I thought it would be. Dashed expectations everywhere. Boo hiss.
Not being able to stay in denial hard: Getting messages from universe all over the place about how out of harmony I am with my essential self. Feeling slapped in the face and then also stupid for creating my life this way.
House hard: Major damage to house while in Europe from same windstorm that messed up the San Francisco Bay Bridge. Dealing with insurance. Will be expensive. Back of house and yard look like disaster area and can’t clean it up until insurance crap is settled. Augh.
Integrity hard: Knowing the right thing to do and still not doing it. Still struggling with impulse control. Still choosing pleasure of the moment over long term good.
The Good:
Being back on the chicken is good.
Having my husband step up to deal with all house hard is good.
Knowing hard will shift at some point is good.
Having some artistic breakthroughs despite not enjoying the process is good.
Friday is good.
Hugs all around for the hard. Hugs and hoorays for the good.
P.S. I also don’t like being ma’amed. Any time a waiter calls me miss instead of ma’am his/her tip increases by at least 5%. Oh age-related vanity! And I’m at an age where I first feel flattered by people telling me I look younger. And then I feel a little sad to be flattered. And then I see the headshot I use on my web presences and for my acting career (which is 8 years old) and I think “time to embrace reality, my love”.
I have absolutely no idea how old people think I am. I’m 44. Do people think I look younger? Older? No clue. I look 44 to me.
The hard
-Change in policy regarding sick leave for chronic intermittent conditions (you know, like migraines) means I’ll probably have to use my vacation time when I get sick since I won’t have enough sick leave. I suppose someone thinks that since I get sick a lot, I don’t deserve a vacation. Maybe if I took more vacations I’d get sick less? That’s not even a maybe. I hardly ever get migraines when I’m on vacation.
The good
+A duck! I now have a duck!
.-= RiinĀ“s last post … Blog Action Day 2009: Climate Change =-.
Introverts of the world unite! You know, online, all from the privacy and solitude of our own homes, not like all in one place in a room where we have to interact face to face with a bunch of people. That would suck. š
It’s been a hard week… so I’m on the chicken.
The hard:
– I took the week off between jobs to get all this stuff done and organized and have been thwarted at every turn. I mean every turn.
– I had a cold.
– I had to go into the new office twice for forms… really? We can’t wait until Monday?
– A friend got mad at me Wednesday and hasn’t spoken to me since because, get this, I hate Facebook and don’t want to do it. Really? This is a friendship issue?
– I fought with hubby and cried all night.
– Did I mention I can’t manage to get ANYTHING done?
– I was told, again, that I’m working too hard and to relax, and all that did was put all this pressure on me to RELAX, DAMMIT, YOU”RE DOING LIFE WRONG! which frankly, is not so relaxing.
The good:
– I managed the cold effectively and am mostly well in short order.
– I had lunch with a friend I don’t see enough (WHO ALSO HATES FACEBOOK!)
– Despite feeling like its all effort and no payoff, I really did get some stuff done.
– I start a new job on Monday. One I wanted and worked for for a long time.
– I bought beautiful fabric for drapes for the great room. No, we are not going to think about how much the fabric costs or the fact that now I either have to sew 10 drapery panels or find someone else to do it, if we do, I have to move this to hard and I don’t want to.
So… that’s all. Still working on getting in the right place in my head. Thanks for letting me go off like that.
ugh. my head is full and spinning. lets see about this here friday chicken now shall we? yeehaw!
The Hard:
had a meltdown last night. it started around 3:00 with frustrations.. wait a minute, no, it started when a co-worker (a designer) was looking at a fancy design annual award magazine and said “looking through this makes me feel like the kid in detention looking out the window at all the other kids on the playground.” I immediately thought “try doing my job. thats how it feels EVERY day watching you people” *sigh*
The Good:
it felt good to cry. i haven’t in a LONG time i realized. i think i just needed a good one. a friend came over to comfort me and brought apple pie and a wonderful bottle of wine and it was perfect.
The Hard:
being b r o k e for the last couple weeks. spent-all-my- nickels-and-dimes-and-all-i-have-are-pennies broke. i am recognizing i shut down when this happens and feel inept and stupid and ashamed. if i didn’t have to interact with other people i would be fine with it. i have everything i need and can feed myself in these thin stretches. friends/co-workers don’t seem to grasp it though, and they don’t understand that i actually can’t afford that $2 PBR after work. or lunch. or a show. having to explain myself and say no again and and again makes me feel like a jerk and it is so embarrassing. the whole situation is just hard and lots of complex feelings surround it.
The Good:
PAYDAY! i made it. most of the paycheck is already spoken for (bills. uggghhh. stupid dentist. stupid insurance. stupid loans.) BUT i’m not flat broke for a little while at least.
The Hard:
settling into my new house. i mean home… yeah… it does not feel like it yet, and its COLD. because we are all pretty broke and don’t want a big heating bill. It is hard to get that cozy at home feeling when you are shivering under blankets and can’t bear to do anything else.
The Good:
PAYDAY! I am going to buy a space heater so I can start functioning in my space instead of cowering.
the other Good:
Havi’s post from yesterday. SO many things went !DING! when I read it. Things I didn’t know I was feeling or afraid of. Things I now have awareness about and can pinpoint and therefore work on and man it just felt so good to read it. š THANKS HAVI!
“Begging for Parody”!
From the being-in-bands side of things, I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor imaginary bloke for having to constantly have this conversation:
“Oh, that’s right; you’re a musician! Fun! What’s your little band called again?”
“Begging for Parody. …It’s more of a ‘project’ than a band, actually. See, I–”
“Begging for Parity? Like, equality?”
“Um, no, parody. Like, satarization.”
[silence]
“Oh.”
Hard-earned lesson: never name a band (or any business, I suppose!) something that people will constantly mishear.
Havi, thanks for filling my Google Reader with awesome all the time.
Hooray, Chicken!
The Hard:
Being sick for 2 and a half weeks… Nasty, lingering, flu-ey.
Stupidly confused as a result– all my days are a bit mixed up, my rhythm of the week is off, and NO EXERCISE for almost 3 weeks! I feel better, but I am not going to push it yet. The dog is antsy.
Trying not to let my head get in my own way, especially in terms of relationships. I have a tendency to spin my tires when given a chance; now I am forced to settle, or spin my tires in this particular situation for six months, which I know I won’t be able to do.
Lots of second guessing everything.
The Good:
Being sick forced me to really listen to what I needed, at least on a physical level, and go with it. Apparently, this involved a lot of rest, emergen-c, and very simple, mild foods. So, OK, better at listening to those needs, apply that lesson….
Considering the dog is a hunting breed, she was very mellow and cuddly and supportive, not bouncing off the walls as much as I expected.
Visiting a friend, even though I was still recovering, but I won’t get to see him for another 6 months, so I am glad I did.
Felt good enough to enjoy the fall sunshine on several occasions.
Much Love
Ingrid
@Havi: I’m glad you are home with recovery time and gentleman friend.
The hard:
Sick, sick, and more sick. Blah. (Doubly blah since this was last week’s hard too.)
Pup is not himself – I think this dental cleaning + anesthesia was especially hard on him this time around. Not sure why. Or how to help him. Which makes it harder.
The good:
Had an epiphany about why I am sick.
Very thoughtful & insightful comments on my wellness blog post about said epiphany – which led to a bigger epiphany.
Starting to feel better after forcing myself to rest.
Finished a painting.
Reading the Highly Sensitive Person and having things make sense. Yay.
Yoga, as ever.
Hugs to everyone for the hard – and Cheers for the good.
.-= elizabethĀ“s last post … to write love on her arms day =-.
I can sympathize with the people overload. After I teach a class I need to just go do some retail therapy, at the very least spend a little time in a book store just looking at images and not having to be “on” for anyone. And taking a workshop that is longer than two days in duration just wipes me out.
This week flew by.
The hard:
Having so much to do and no real noodling time in between to just be. Of course most of it was doings of my own device (NaNo meetups, etc) but it still was intense.
The water going out yesterday evening at dinner time.
Feeling generally overwhelmed by other people’s needs right now (mainly DD#2, who is wrapping up her quarter at college but who is commuting from here).
Running out of cream and pale periwinkle fabrics so that I can’t keep working on Day of the Cichlids.
The good:
News that I am not sure I can share yet. Let’s just say it involves a show and an award and yay! š
Getting choosed to be featured in the upcoming “Annual Manual” that gets handed out to everyone who comes to Athens County for tourism. The photographer comes next Friday.
Hitting 30K words in my NaNoWriMo and still having fun with the process.
My NaNo local group. Great bunch of new friends!
Getting to spend yesterday in my pajama pants making art, because Marty had an out of town appointment and I chose to stay home.
The water did come back on after only being out about 2 hours.
Now, an evening in, planning on hanging with my guys and watching Monk. Sending best wishes for a great weekend for you all š
.-= AndiĀ“s last post … Painting, A Love Story =-.
I love being around people – but I have to be the one to determine for how long because it does drain me as well. For me, a phase with people needs (imperatively!) to be followed by a “hermit phase” – otherwise I go crazy, get in a really bad mood and feel totally off-centre and exhausted. The only way I can properly recharge my batteries is by being entirely by myself.
Lots of things planned for tomorrow but I have already proclaimed Sunday my hermit day so I will be fine on Monday.
The hard this week:
– stupid unresolved discussion with husband about recurring issue
– didn’t sleep well
The good:
– wonderfully uplifting evening and discussion with my cousin
– wonderfully motivating email by a friend
– IT department at work finally sorted something out which turns by very boring job into a bearable job
– bought a cheap and wonderfully soft and perfectly cut light grey woolen sweater
The Biggie: This one’s both good and hard, because I finally (softly, haha) launched Antemortem Arts! (I told you I’d have it in time for chickening! Even if it is late chickening…) There’s a fraction of the sorted art up there (small stuff is posted on Etsy, big stuff just has Paypal buttons for now until I figure out a better system or have time to make more Etsy posts), so much yet to do, but I wanted to get some things up before it was just way too late like the holiday cards.
The Hard:
– Holy crap I’ve been busy this week, and I feel like I haven’t done much at all that’s real paying work. I’ll be working some this weekend, which I hate to do, but I have to get away from this horrid behind-behind-behind feeling.
– Sniffly sore-throaty urgh sapping my energy.
– A general feeling of forgetting something important that will probably come back to bite me in the behind. Bleh.
– Huge giant anxiety of “what if no one buys anything?” After all that work, that would suck so hard, but I’d get over it.
The Good:
+ Thanks to some very helpful people, my site is up! Yay!
+ Someone hearted my Etsy shop before I ever announced it.
+ I have pie & pie (meat-with-veggies and cherry respectively). Yay pie!
+ I have a kitteh sleeping on my chest.
+ I saw Where the Wild Things Are finally and it was awesome.
I know there was more of both, but my brain has gone on post-launch strike, so that’ll have to suffice.
.-= Amy CrookĀ“s last post … Antemortem Arts is ALIVE! =-.
First the hard – Barbara Sher being only hours, as in 2.5 if I drive the speed limit (who drives the speed limit?) and not knowing she was that close, until well, she wasn’t anymore. Ofph. Very Hard.
Not having a single clue as to HOW to plan and organize the party I only sorta announced last week.
Finishing stuff or more knowing what the ‘stuff’ needs to be finished.
And the good
Getting a live hands-on session of Reiki and only being weirded out by a couple of things, instead of the ENTIRE THING.
Having a week long party and allowing intuition to guide me in planning it.
Deer and flocks of migrating birds (swallows!?) and geese.
.-= LaShaeĀ“s last post … Two Deer, Right Brains & Reiki | All That Seems Random Fridays # 25 =-.
Hi Chickeneers
Crap – I found the Chicken when there was only one comment and then WENT TO BED.
Got up this morning and found I’m now number gazillion and five.
Oh well… Late chickening is better than no chickening at all, I suppose.
@Kate – ‘My stuff is showing…’ Ha!
@Lucy – I deliverered my (beloved) class for the brazillionth time this week. Finding ways to keep it fresh even though I love watching the results in people? Not easy.
@Julie – I am also stalking the Havi archives… Maybe I’ll bump into you…
@Carol – Oh I saw the Blonde Chicken tweet about you – that was you!
@Lydia – I LOVE this thing about entertaining weird desires – I never thought I could just be a quiet forest/hermit person *for a day*… Hmmm…
@Sandy – I think this is the beginning of the Facebook backlash… Declaration: You may only be friends in the world if you are friends in Facebook. Hyuh.
@Kat – ‘It’s more of a project than a band…’ Genius.
@Andi – I totally need silence after a class, not to speak. Shhh…. Bookstore works, just to look at words and not say them…
HARD
~ Finding an emergency dentist in Hong Kong on a Saturday morning.
~ Not freaking out about finding an emergency dentist in Hong Kong on a Saturday morning.
~ Keeping the class fresh when we’ve delivered it four times in 2 weeks (it’s a 2-day class).
GOOD
~ Having a realisation about how I can conserve my energy whilst delivering the class (Seems this intense little spiritual character inside thinks if I’m not TOTALLY GRIPPING THE ENERGY of the class, people won’t transform. Turns out: not.)
~ Knowing I don’t have to wear a suit again for at least six weeks, AND having enough money to not worry.
~ Going to UK for Christmas and knowing I have work in January.
~ And (shhh) starting to (quietly) talk about my new conflict resolution-y blog.
*tiny grin whisper* got my first comment yesterday.
shhh….
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheartĀ“s last post … Friday list #2: a chipmunk called me fat =-.
@Leocadia – ooh, I want a hermit day too. Hermit Day! Very nice.
@Ingrid – hug!
@Kat – that was perfect. I am now giggling and imagining this conversation. Genius.
@all y’all – (see? see what happens when I spend a week in a Carolina?) Chicken! So wonderful to read about your week and do this thing together.
p.s. Hi PIDGE!
Happy Friday, everyone!
I was having a bit of a freakout earlier, but I am progably going to be fine. That’s my progdosis, anyway. š
My hard:
-All week long, I’ve been feeling that I’m drowning in shoulds and gottas and or-elses. Too much to do, not enough time or energy to do it, so far behind that I’ll never catch up. Some of this feeling is undoubtedly reasonable and legitimate; I am juggling a lot right now, between work (tying up loose ends on half a dozen small assignments, while simultaneously handling all the preparations for a larger contract that’s going to begin next month, and preparing to train the person who will be taking over the half dozen smaller assignments), academic work, family chores and commitments, and all the creative projects that no one is paying me for or making me do but which (dammit!) still crave and deserve my attention.
–But. For all that it seems completely understandable and reasonable for me to be freaking out, and for all that I will be kind to myself and give myself full permission to be freaking out, I also need to acknowledge that this is yet another manifestation of one of my patterns of stuckity-stuff. It’s a story I tell myself, the “oh my god I have so much to do and it’s too hard and I have to do it all by myself and I can’t I can’t and no one will love me if I can’t but I can’t I can’t!” This is a long-standing stuck, in fact, it’s a legacy of stuck, taught to me by my mother, progably taught to her my her own mother, and possibly extending back for unnumbered generations. What’s worse is that I can see glimmers of this stuck-story already showing up in my ten-year-old daughter in her own moments of stress, and it makes me sad. I want to find my way out of this story; at the very least, I want to grow in my ability to say, “Oh, yeah, here’s that story again, I remember how this one goes — now, where’s that alternate reel? Because I would like a different ending, please.”
So, yeah. All of that gets to feeling like a whole lot of hard, and it is very much with me this week. Anyway.
My good:
+Singing voice is back, and just in time to sing the Mozart Requiem twice this weekend! We’ve been rehearsing with the orchestra this week, and I love singing with an orchestra! It’s like riding a dragon — that’s the best way I can describe the feeling.
+Lots of loving moments with my family, sometimes while being cozily at home, sometimes while out and about, having adventures together. I’ve been feeling very much loved my them, and have also been warmed by the knowledge of how much my love matters to them. So very good.
+It occurs to me (hot buttered epiphany!) that Shiva Nata has the potential to be, among other things, a very effective way of working with (playing with, even!) the stuck pattern I’ve just described. So many ways I’m “supposed” to be moving, so much to juggle, and I can’t, I can’t! — but that’s okay. I can do what I can do, and whatever I can do can be enough for now, and the simple act of doing brings its own rewards. It doesn’t have to be “right”; it’s enough simply to be.
Oh, my. So many words. *breathes*
Thank you all for being here. I wish everyone a glorious weekend!
.-= spiralsongkatĀ“s last post … We canāt do it allā¦or can we? =-.
On Monday, I was in a silly mood and sent my sister a text message asking if she preferred prunes, figs or See’s – in my family the only answer would be See’s. She responded by email and the subject line was:
Hopped Up on Goofers?
My first thought was, “but it’s just one guy.”
.-= JaneĀ“s last post … Math Tutor =-.
@Carol,
“Looking younger than you are: Ha. Both of you. Just wait. One day it will catch up to you and you will suddenly realize you look like someone your motherās age and dashing young men are calling you āMaāamā instead of āHon.ā”
I got ‘maam’ed in a roleplaying shop last year. Now, I used to be an obsessive roleplayer. Until a few years ago, I was right at the heart of my local rp community. So to have a fellow gamer geek call me ‘maam’ was quite a shock to the system. I wanted to say, ‘Dude, I’m one of you!’ I mean sure, I’m wearing jeans instead of combats now, but I’m still one of you!
It feels so weird when you find that something which is so much a part of your identity is invisible to strangers. I guess this is why people work so hard to dress like the subculture they identify with. I don’t do that, and so they don’t recognise me. š
“However, at this point the crown is no longer invisible even when you arenāt wearing it. Being wrapped in authority (without effort) is a good thing.”
Oh, I so want this.
But I’m not sure it’s going to come to me with age. I’m so baby-faced that I may never look like a dignified older woman, I may just look like a wrinkly baby!
So I guess I have to find a way to project it from within.
I knew a girl at uni who had that knack. She was tiny – less than 5 foot, incredibly petite – she really did look like a child. But her manner was such that you had absolutely no doubt of her self-possession. You could definitely feel her invisible crown. She had enormous inner dignity. I tend to only manifest my inner dignity when I feel comfortable and confident, and sadly someone calling me ‘love’ is enough to make me feel uncomfortable and awkward. Because I then have a certain image (which may be entirely wrong) of the way they see me, and that becomes louder in my ears (oh, look at me mix those metaphors) than my own knowledge of who I am. I assume their response (the nature of which I’m already assuming) is about me, rather than appreciating it’s about them.
@Jane – it’s just one guy! That is so perfect I can’t even stand it.
(also, didn’t he used to play with Gopped Up On Hoofers?)
Yay! Chicken!
I am new ’round these parts, but so much that you all say resonates with me, so I am jumping in!
Today I just want to mention a book I recently read called The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney. It’s full of some of the GOOD things about being an introvert in an extroverted world. Also coping tips.
Happy weekend!
@kate: My experience is that I grew into my crown. It was always there even when I was young, but I spent way too many years shoving it back out of my eyes and stuffing it under a hat so that nobody would think… whatever Negative Stuff it was that they thought (or that I thought they thought!) Gradually I started realizing that people were noticing it anyway despite the coverup. Sparkles were peeking out from under the disguise and dazzling the ones who could see. So timidly, over time, I quit covering it up every morning. Still shoved it back on my head for a while, not convinced it would fit. But I grew into it, and I bet you will too.
This time in five years you will be wearing it proudly and visibly. You’ll like your crown. They’re terribly comfortable.
.-= Carol Logan NewbillĀ“s last post … Two Great Ways to Send Your Readers Fleeing into the Night =-.
I donāt really think of myself as an introvert most of the time because Iām too busy thinking of myself as a cranky misanthrope
THIS. ME. TOTALLY. But at the same time, I can’t let most of my old-school friends see the woo-woo hippie side of me that has emerged in the last few years. Because they’d think I was weak or something. Having a lot of issues with transparency there. Which ties into the whole me-not-blogging-yet thing. And more stuckness. Bleh.
But the Chicken! How I love the Chicken. And giving myself permission to do the Chicken when I can, which is not Fridays, apparently, when I’m working. So here goes:
The hard:
– rode the bus one day last week and the jerking back and forth in an SRO bus took my rib-healing back a few days. ow ow ow.
– the work project is nearing completion which means the programmers are getting all touchy and snippy and as the QA gal, I have to be extra careful with my notes on their bugs. And I’m working this weekend, which is both bad (tired!) and good (overtime!)
– a really nice guy I’ve worked with a few times unexpectedly left the company I’m working for because of budges issues – I miss seeing his friendly face in the office.
The good:
+ Birthday! With many well-wishes and a lovely dinner with the hippie husband
+ Healing: being able to do more things, like sneezing, laughing, coughing, and stretching without pain *good sigh* – lovely
+ the hippie husband decided to be a house-husband for a couple of days and did all the dishes and laundry. We joke that having all clean clothes and dishes might be a sign of the impending apocalypse. š
+ Big project nearing completion and the awesome that comes with finally being able to show people what I’ve been working on
+ Birthday tattoo – today!
And – yay – more good stuff than hard. That rocks. Thank you everyone for sharing here and Havi and Selma for giving us the place to do it.
.-= CaseyĀ“s last post … Daveās Top Ten Rules of Business =-.
Chicken! I babysit for a two-year-old who, when asked if he wants a bite of chicken, gives you the most amazing quizzical look and asks “bawk bawk?” Seriously, it’s awesome.
The hard:
*Holy up-and-down, batman! I am not yet used to this reality where I am a seriously emotional person.
*Unpacking: still feeling hard!
*Being out of a major relationship: ditto.
*Giving in to struggling about money
*Finding it hard to think ahead; finding that frustrating
The good:
*Doing well at remembering to give myself permission to feel what I’m feeling
*In fact, doing a pretty excellent job with self-care: checking in with my body about food, doing my 15-minute yoga thing, taking walks, responding with kindness to myself
*low-key week at work
*made awesome art for Seekrit Art Project! love!
Chicken (which may turn out to be the only good of my week)
The hard:
– evaluation time at work
The supposed to be good turned bad:
– missing the air plane to London due to bad train services, which means I won’t get to see one of my dearest friends, the very needed weekend away from my life doesn’t happen and now I don’t know how to get the refueling time / distraction I needed oh so very much.
You’ve had quite the week! And I totally hear you on the looking younger than you are (and all the associated crap people tell you) thing. I’d better keep it at that…
A late chicken, this past week has been busy, so I’ll make it quick:
Hard:
– Having to spend a day with my gentleman friend’s family. Always hard. Even harder when we get together to meet the newest member of the family, and I don’t even feel welcome to *ask* if I can hold him. Ugh.
– Not getting much time for myself, and thus not getting any to work on my thing at all.
Good:
– Spending time with my favorite kids in the world (my nephews and niece on my side of the family and, most importantly, the ones I am allowed to hold in my arms, play with, and generally have all kinds of fun with) *twice* in the last two days! Teaching my nephews how to knit was a whole lot of fun!
– Being invited for dinner by new friends. Lively conversation meant it was really noisy at times, I came back very tired, but it was a great evening!
– Having my gentleman friend ask a few times this week that we’d do Dance of Shiva together. Love!
.-= JosianeĀ“s last post … Noticing – the dragonfly edition =-.
Just saw these rather marvellous crown rings. I might get one to remind me of my invisible crown, cos, you know, it’s invisible, so sometimes even I forget it’s there.
Happy Birthday CASEY!!!
And Kate? I love the crown rings. Beautiful.