In which a stuckness shows up and doesn’t want to do the thing it thinks I want it to do.
I was having an uh oh moment about my New Big Thing. And called Hiro to ramble incoherently about the stuckness.
Me: It’s like I don’t want to put it out in the world yet. I love it. It’s beautiful. And there is something there that is just… not ready.
Hiro: You mean Biggification 2010?
Me: Uh huh. And even my schedule for the year, which is part of that.
Hiro: If you’re looking at your New Big Thing, where is it?
Me (in my head): How would I possibly know that?
Pause.
Me: Oh. It’s standing on a diving board, over a pool.
Hiro: Good.
Me: And it really, really, really does not want to jump. And I’m not going to make it jump because ohmygod look how much it doesn’t want to jump.
In which I get to marvel — again — at the power of giving something permission to be the way it is.
Hiro: How old is it?
Me (sounding extremely sure of myself, which weirds me out again): Seven.
Hiro: Who says it has to jump?
Me: I don’t know. It’s right there on the diving board.
Hiro: Does it even want to be in the water?
Me: Oh, it definitely wants to be in the water. It just doesn’t want to have to jump in order to get in there.
It wants to be in the water. It just doesn’t want to have to jump in order to get in there.
Hiro: Good.
Me: Oh. Of course. It doesn’t have to jump.
In which we find out what this thing needs.
Hiro: You’re right, it definitely doesn’t have to jump. So what would be the easiest, simplest, most comfortable way for it to find its way into the water? A ramp? Does it want to be floated in?
Me: Stairs. But not a cold, metal ladder. Big, wide stairs.
Hiro: Into the shallow end?
Me: Sure. It doesn’t even really matter. It loves being in water. Just not jumping. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this.
Hiro: What else does it need? Friends in the water who are waiting for it?
Me: I don’t know. What if the friends … what if they don’t think jumping from a diving board is such a big deal?
Hiro: Oh, definitely only friends who also hate jumping.
Me: Oh good. Okay. Friends. Who hate jumping. I love it.
Hiro: What else is going to help it feel safe and supported? Water wings?
Me: No, I don’t think so. But knowing that they’re there could be good. Or a board or something that it doesn’t have to use. Just as an option.
Hiro: Okay!
In which we find out what I need.
Hiro: And where are you in relation to your thing? Are you in the water? At the pool? Observing?
Me: I’m there, but I’m not. I’m in my own pool. It’s darker, warmer, higher up, quieter.
Hiro: And how are these pools connected?
Me: Through a current. It’s humming.
Hiro: So you can communicate with the other pool?
Me: I think so.
Hiro (giggling): Like, you yell “Helloooooooooooo there? How are you doing over there in your poooooooooooool?”
Me: Exactly! Just like that.
Hiro: What is your role in this space?
Me: To enjoy it. To enjoy the things that come from it. To practice the sovereignty thing. To give myself permission to be playful and ridiculous, instead of having to be mature all the time and do the right thing, whatever I think that is.
In which things turn silly.
Oh yes.
There was a kooky magical non-even-slightly-cheesy waterfall.
We threw a fabulous birthday party for my New Big Thing where there were insanely great presents.
Like a water tricycle. And a slackline. And floating lanterns. And pool noodles! Lots and lots of pool noodles!
Hiro said all sorts of wise, insightful, weird, hilarious things that were all completely compassionate and non-judge-ey. No big surprise there. She’s wonderful.
She talked about grace, rhythm, timing and flow. About possibility. And spaciousness. And ease.
And I got to give my New Big Thing reassurance that things don’t have to be forced. That things can happen with this quality of ease.*
We talked about snowflakes and doors. And all sorts of other things that don’t have to do with jumping.
* Usually I have crazy resistance to this concept — my instinctive reaction is: “Ease? Jews don’t do that!” But for some reason I found it really comforting this time.
In which I internalize a bunch of stuff I thought I already knew.
It’s amazing how good it feels to have permission to not do things the painful way.
But permission is something that is so much easier to give to someone else. Or, at least, that’s my experience.
And sometimes other people think that the best thing for us is doing something the hurting way, and so they force something painful. They think it’s for our own good. And then we turn around and do it to ourselves.
Which is so completely tragic that I don’t even know what to say.
I’ve also learned this:
The thing I’ve created for this coming year is sometimes a seven year old who knows a lot about a lot.
Its best qualities come out when it has permission to do things its own way. It’s happy. It has a sweet, playful, goofy spirit and a fierce power all its own.
And my commitment is to love it.
To care for it. To give it room. To appreciate how cool it is. To take away shoulds. To give it permission to have fear. To give it permission to need stuff.
To not have to do anything the conventional way.
And to do all that for myself too. When I can.
Comment zen for today.
So I know some of you have great stories about how someone forced you to jump and it really was all for the best and you totally conquered your fear and yay.
I really do recognize the power of those stories, and that they need to be heard — and this moment of today and now and here is not their time.
Today is about permission to take something intimidating and not have to do it that way. It’s about the sovereignty thing that happens when you choose not to do things the hard way.
It’s about finding comfort and support when you need it, and having permission to want and need those qualities in your life.
Because we’re creating an environment that includes, among many other (sometimes contradictory) things, permission not to have to jump — and that’s where we are.
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I’m so loving this not-jumping series.
I have a good friend who had a big life-changing jumping thing. And so he likes to jump off the biggest diving boards he can find, everywhere, as often as possible. And he’s always trying to persuade me I should do things the same way. Like that’s the best and only way, the only kind of enlightenment. Drives me crazy!
Baby steps, that’s what works for me. Teeny tiny baby steps. Gentle and safe and supportive. Baby steps add up to great big epic journeys. Plus, the less crazy adrenalin I have in my system, the happier and healthier I am.
Now how do I get my friend to stop driving me crazy with his ‘do it bigger!’ stuff?
Havi, it was so much fun playing in the pool with you and Biggification 2010 and its many wonderful friends. 🙂
I fell in love with it, this 7-year-old wunderkind–its innocent joy, its wisdom, intelligence, creativity, sensitivity, vulnerability. Its lovely, playful spirit.
Showers of blessings to you both. And many more birthdays filled with celebration…
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Sunday Poem #10 =-.
@Kate – oh yes. I have that friend too. Not to mention that practically the entire field of biggifiers has that perspective. sigh.
I think one of the most helpful things is explaining the physiological biomechanical side, kind of like you just did.
Something like this, maybe:
“When I push myself to jump, it overloads my adrenals and zaps my nervous system, because I don’t do well with that kind of stress. And then I collapse and all my energy has to go to recovery time.
“When I ease myself into the new thing, it doesn’t require recovery, so that’s how I do it. I totally get that jumping is powerful and liberating for you, and it’s important to me to recognize that my path to liberation is a different one.”
Anyway, hug to you. It’s very hard to be a non-jumper in a world where jumping is so highly valued.
@Hiro *kiss* You are a wonder!
Right now! I’m not-jumping right now. When I pushed myself up to the edge and told myself I had to jump I felt pressured and scared. As soon as I talked with a wise woman who reminded me that I could take the path of ease, I felt relief and lightness and peace. We don’t have to jump, we can take the stairs. It might take a little longer but sometimes that’s just what we need – a little time to remember that none of this has to be scarey or painful.
Thanks!
.-= Marianne´s last post … We did it! =-.
Havi, thanks again for a great post that came at exactly the right moment. This line really stands out for me:
“…things don’t have to be forced… things can happen with this quality of ease.”
This is what I’m working on with Thanksgiving & Christmas this year. Giving myself permission to not even try to make everything perfect. To not have that as a goal. Permission to not accept other people’s shoulds that everything must be complicated and intricate and flawless. Permission to remember that simplicity & ease are good and nurturing and that serenity is an important part of the holidays.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates it, and Happy “Yay for Not Having to Spend Your Day Off Work Cooking a Turkey” Day to everyone else.
.-= Serendipity´s last post … Funky Fuschia Scarf =-.
De-lurking long enough to say how helpful this is in my current headspace of the “should-we-pack-up-our-lives-and-move-across-the-pond” discussion. Talk about a decision that feels like a jump, which makes my heart go URK.
But I love the idea that this can instead be ….. spacious ….. and have its own healthy timing, and flow, and have a Quality of Ease. I’ve been giving myself more permission for this to happen organically, and put down some roots and grow a bit, rather than expecting it to spring out fully formed from Zeus’s head.
Right.
Thank you so much for this post.
@Kate- My very own Gentleman Friend is so much like this. He’s all about goals and challenges and it works wonderfully well for him. So he’ll decide that I should just get over my fear of something (like driving) and he will push and push and I’ll say no, and he’ll convince me to just try it and anyway then I end up freaking out and saying “See? You were wrong and I can’t I can’t I just can’t. And see what you did of course I was going to fail”. So then we both get upset.
But we’ve realized together that he is really just trying to create a safe space for me where I can try stuff and he will catch me and so he’s hurt when I still don’t feel safe enough to stop protecting myself. So baby steps. I am getting more comfortable with letting him help as long as he lets me let him MY way. (But I still hate driving, DAMMIT! Heee. ;))
Thank you, Havi. My life recently split into two glorious halves, and now I don’t know what to do about all of the goodness. At least one half is on that fricking diving board quaking in fear.
Maybe I can talk it down.
I needed this today.
.-= René´s last post … surfeit =-.
Oh yes, I’m very much a “need a safe space to play” person too.
But the thing is, up until a year ago everyone, and I mean really EVERYONE, in my circle would push me to jump, jump, jump and I always ended up hurt and broken and humilated. Additionally I’d always end up jumping to short (well, it’s what you do when you’re scared! ;)) and wham, I usually landed smack dab in the middle of the ditch I tried to jump over.
By now I either take a huge step or build a bridge lemmings-style – much safer. And less stressful. 😉
.-= Carina (@chalcara)´s last post … Free Fonts! =-.
I think I want to print out a sign for my home office.
No Jumping Required.
(Havi said so)
.-= Tori Deaux´s last post … *Pindrop* Sure is quiet round these parts, ain’t it? =-.
Oh this is so wonderful. Because I’ve been thinking about this all day on a gigantic life scale and it’s been totally depressing me. Can’t seem to do anything.
Been dealing with some trolls, which brings up all my stuff around being seen, and yet all my brain can yell is “JUMP!”
Maybe I can find a different way of getting in the water.
yes! yes! yes! my thing doesn’t have to jump! it doesn’t have to jump doesn’t have to jump! it can be in the pool WITHOUT JUMPING IN. i feel blown away right now.
Brilliant! I had a student who did exactly that or rather didn’t…
.-= creativevoyage´s last post … No jumping required =-.
From one non-jumper to another, I’d like to welcome your *thing* into the water on the great big staircase.
Yay for sinking (luxuriously) into the fun pool!
.-= Tara´s last post … Learn to Knit Kit! =-.
Oh, Havi, there’s something so exquisitely easeful and enticing about this – the idea that I might not have to make myself do The Thing (whatever thing) in the most challenging way possible.
It reminds me of how I (try to) treat my children: not making them go cold turkey on night feeds, not forcing them to be more social than they feel ready for, and so on. I believe that creating a safe space from which they can venture forth at their own pace is at least as effective a parenting method as dropping them in at the deep end of situations For Their Own Good.
And actually, doing this for them has made it easier for me to show myself the same kindness. The voice that says “unless you’re doing it the hardest possible way you’re not really trying” is getting less powerful. Which is nice.
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain (@leannich)´s last post … Dispatches from the Gender Ghetto =-.
@creativevoyage- wow. I read your story about your student and that is *really* interesting. Fun as punishment. Also making me wonder how many people feel really uncomfortable with ease. I know I do. Jeepers.
@Tori – oh, totally. Use the “Havi said so” for pretty much whatever you want. I have some blog readers who tell people “Oh my business adviser said I didn’t have to do that”, referencing me.
So feel free! 🙂
@Carina – I can picture it! Ow. Hard. Liking the bridge picture too. Very cool.
@Havi – Awesome! Thank you. I will try it, and I’ll be extra careful to use the phrase ‘path to liberation’, and then tell everyone it came from you. 🙂
@Serena – Yeah, I have trouble letting people help, too. And I’m especially defensive with my jumping friend, as I know that a) his method of helping is not helpful to me and b) he just doesn’t *understand* that, he thinks I must be misunderstanding, or that I’ve wilfully ‘chosen’ a ‘harder’ way of doing things. Oy. And he soooo wants to help, which is part of the problem, really – he wants to help so much that I feel as though he thinks I need fixing, that he thinks he’s more ‘enlightened’ than me, which makes me feel not-respected. Naturally that’s not his intention. Oy. Why do I always have such atrocious communication with Gemini?
Sounds like you and your gentleman friend have found a way to see the place where you both want the same thing, which is fab. Sounds like you’ve got a good thing.
hmmm… I think I have been taunting my thing by forcing it to jump. It has belly flopped and gotten water up its nose and its eyes are burning from the chlorine, but I keep dragging it out of the water and shoving it out on the diving board. I stand and yell at it “you’ve jumped before! go on and do it again! It will be better this time! It has to be!” it crosses its arms and stares woefully at the bottom of the deep end. “If you don’t jump now, you’ll miss your chance! You HAVE to jump or else you’ll just disappear and no one will ever see you!”
and because it loves me and wants me to succeed and set it free out in the world, it jumps. It isn’t ready but it jumps anyway.
I think it just wants to sit on the side for awhile and dangle its feet in the water. Sit and feel the sunshine and eat twizzlers and cheez-its.
sorry to run with your metaphor like that Havi, but man… it just clicked that this is how i’ve been treating My Thing. so not supportive or helpful… I’m heading to the snack bar!
It’s weird because this reminded me of a bit from an episode of The IT Factor years ago. Relating a tale about a palm reader cabby she encountered, Miranda Black said:
“It’s going to be difficult. Success will not come easily.” I almost stormed out of the cab but he grabbed my hand, “You like it like this. You want to be challenged. That’s what you asked for.” He’s right. Success is going to be difficult. But not impossible.”
What still hits me most about this quote is “That’s what you asked for.” There’s truth in that, I think, and also a great deal of power in realizing you can ask for something different.
In real life, I like diving better than swimming but I do not like springboards at all, the springiness, the getting sucked under… I’ll pass on their metaphorical counterparts as well.
.-= claire´s last post … The Tornado Building Painting =-.
@ilikered – Cheez-its! Cheez-its! Sunshine! I approve.
@claire – I love it. You can ask for something different. Brilliant.
@Kate – 🙂
Wow, thank you Havi for this wonderful post. I just reliazed that I have been a jumper for most of my life, having had a huge jumper for a father. And it struck me in reading this just how much I really don’t like jumping. Or maybe I just don’t like it now. Or as the default mode. Either way, it never did occur to me that I could choose something different until I read this post.
When The Big Thing was on the diving board and didn’t want to jump, but did want to be in the water, I literally thought for a moment “Oh, gee, that’s too bad.” — Thinking “It will not be able to get where it wants to go.”
When you wrote “Who says it has to jump?/I don’t know, it’s right there on the diving board”, I interpreted that at first to mean “it is written ON the diving board that you HAVE to jump, and therefore because it is written, so must it be done.” Good grief . . .
And so I had to read the whole post a second time just to be able to even get beyond my own assumptions, particularly to absorb that you can get in the water without jumping.
So now I have a whole new reframe — “What if I didn’t have to jump?” To find a way to not be scared, to allow that something could have more ease, or could be tweaked so that I can do it my own way, in my own time. Without violence, or something that feels violent.
And I know that because I have historically been a jumper, and because many people tend to be impressed by that, and I have a tendency to like to impress people, there is some additional challenge here for me.
But to know that I really don’t have to jump (I could of course still choose to if I felt like it), but I don’t HAVE to. And I can still get to where I want to go. To know that, feels like I have befriended a part of myself. I have reached out a hand to someone within me to has needed a hand for a very long time.
So thank you, Havi. And, by extension, Hiro. Wow. This one feels like a lifechanger.
I’m not one of the “big thing” type people… I don’t really have a big thing yet (I’m dreaming for it, but its time hasn’t come) but I have kids… a real 9 year old and a real 6 year old… and even though its out of place on these biggification-business-superhuge idea-productivity sites, sometimes the message can be translated into parenting into full persons???
Um.. yeah, so basically, although I don’t have a business to push, I find that I have inadvertantly been trying to push, pull, cajole, bribe and otherwise force my kids to jump into the water of things that maybe they have to find their own way into… the pressure to get the goal (to get the project into the pool, to get a kid to do something they want to/aren’t sure how to)has been playing on my life.
No answers…. just epiphinizing…
(sorry)
.-= Pam (@moonslark)´s last post … Under the Darkened Sky =-.
Oh yes, the false friends and so-called supporters.
“And sometimes other people think that the best thing for us is doing something the hurting way, and so they force something painful. They think it’s for our own good. And then we turn around and do it to ourselves.”
I’ve been told countless times “You have to take a risk SOMETIME!” As in, I’d better do it now or lose my last chance, supplies are limited, don’t wait, run, don’t walk.
And they “mean well.” Which makes it so much harder to disengage, to say “but I want to ask for something different,” to stick to my own path of liberation, not someone else’s idea of what I Should Be Doing.
Well. Now I can say “My business advisor prescribed sunshine, cheez-its, dipping my toes in the pool, and generally enjoying poolside life as much as I want.” Thank you!
.-= Wendy Cholbi´s last post … Now you can get your WordPress installation with a cherry on top! =-.
Oh good goddess. This is how I live my life. And why have I been apologizing for it?
Bless you.
xo
.-= Gina´s last post … Serendipity Strikes Again =-.
Oh, I like this! I’ll have to remember: when I say that my goal is to get into the water, that is not the same as saying, “My goal is to jump into the water.” There are so many ways to get there! Choices! Empowerment! Wheeee!
Oh, and the various Things inside me are feeling rather seven-years-old, themselves. They’re feeling happy to be acknowledged, and in such good company!
.-= spiralsongkat´s last post … Blogging in the dark =-.
One thing I’ve been working on recently is being less certain.
I loved that I also didn’t question that something on a diving board must jump. And then got it just before you said.
If the aim is to be in the water, how you got in their is irrelevant.
Bit like building a business – I have people telling me to cold-call, be strategic in my online activity, have an email list.
But if the aim is to have a successful business, are those things essential?
(Also, people tend to give advice based on what worked for them.)
Your work (yet again)= Permission Central.
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … Shut Up and Listen =-.
“It’s amazing how good it feels to have permission to not do things the painful way.” Wow. I think I should write that down and pin it to my shirt.
.-= Riin´s last post … Blog Action Day 2009: Climate Change =-.
“giving something permission to be the way it is.”
Permission. Something about this word… this social construct… has always intrigued me. Whether I’m the one seeking it, or granting it… ‘permission’ has caused me to inhale deeply, and give her consideration.
So, etymologically, her essence is: “to let go through”
This is quite a lil’ game to play… to ask yourself:
(1) What do I let go through my gates? and
(2) Through which gates do I seek entrance?
.-= Erika Harris´s last post … A Change is Gonna Come =-.
“It’s amazing how good it feels to have permission to not do things the painful way.”
YES!!! Why is that we often look for the hard way to do our stuff?
I’m so NOT jumping! Thank you Havi!
@Andrew, that is neat, working on being less certain. I like it.
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
so, um , havi
i haven’t slept in 4 days – quite literally – i’m on adrenalin overload for way too many reasons to mention.
and i’ve got stuff to sleep – homeopathic, rescue remedy, pharmaceuticals, etc- and the message is sleep would you which equates to jump in the pool already and dive into your unconscious.
but i don’t wanna.
i wanna be in community. i don’t want to jump into sleep – i’m afraid, i’m not ready to release into rest with all this stuff and let my unconscious do its thing because i don’t wanna.
just like jumping in the pool – and i read this and will now ease into going to sleep, and i’ll sleep for as long as i do – and if i have bad dreams or it’s time to get up – i’ll do that – and allow myself to make mistakes with the whole not sleeping thing
in part because i read this line of yours
Its best qualities come out when it has permission to do things its own way. It’s happy. It has a sweet, playful, goofy spirit and a fierce power all its own.
And my commitment is to love it.
To care for it. To give it room. To appreciate how cool it is. To take away shoulds. To give it permission to have fear. To give it permission to need stuff.
To not have to do anything the conventional way.
And to do all that for myself too. When I can
thank you so much for helping me in a way i didn’t know how to do for myself. how can i ever say thank you enough for that.
.-= Char´s last post … Be Kind 2 Mind: Glenn Close goes to Bat for Her Sis =-.
Oh, how wonderful that sounds! I’ve come to appreciate not jumping through reading your blog and ebooks. What an amazing concept. So simple, and yet…
I just had to JUMP IN to something (in/out of relationships and to another country). I wasn’t ready, as it turns out. Argh. I jumped in and things didn’t go as planned – so I wanted to get out of the friggin’ pool because I was drowning, but nobody came to help me out. It’s so hard to tread water! It would have been great to get out. I guess this isn’t so much about jumping in as much as it is about not wanting to be in the pool. Or about wanting to un-jump. Heh. I’m kinda learning to swim now, but shit…
Oh, Havi! Amna asked me last night – when I talked about feeling like the next thing I need to do is too big (a JUMP): “Did you read Havi’s post today?” … I jumped (not JUMPED..a nice friendly lope) over here this morning to find out what you said — ahhhhh…I LOVE the water AND I’m not jumping! Thanks for this!!
.-= Karen, Square-Peg´s last post … DJ Puppet Rock =-.
Havi–
This metaphor really worked for me. When I was about 8, my mother signed me and my sister up for swimming lessons with the local Bluebird troop. They needed an extra couple of kids to get the discount for the group. On the last day of the class, we were all supposed to dive (or jump) off the diving board and swim to the other end of the pool. I refused to jump and the teacher came out on the diving board and pushed me in. I swam straight back to the closest edge and climbed out. I’ve always thought that was a smart thing to do. And years later, and years of swimming lessons later, I taught myself to swim by just goofing around in a friend’s pool. And I love swimming. And I love water. Just not jumping!
.-= Waverly´s last post … Thanksgiving Rant =-.
Hi Havi,
I linked to this post from Work Happy Now. This was a great post–I loved the whole metaphor of your “New Big Thing” as a kid learning to swim/jump off the diving board. Most people I know who were emotionally (or worse, literally) pushed off a diving board (or the edge of the pool) before they were ready mostly just ended up developing a big fear of water (well really of being overwhelmed/drowning which are actually not unreasonable fears!), swimming in the deep end, and–as an added bonus–a deep sense of feeling that their feelings don’t count.
Writing and teaching about having compassion and acceptance for one’s self (even when we’re having a vulnerable moment) is very courageous and a much needed antidote to so many of the damaging (at worst) and unhelpful (at best) views and attitudes that seem to be part of our cultural collective consciousness. So, a big thank you for having the courage to take this challenge and offer a more humane, gentle approach to life and its challenges.
Hurray for validation. Yes I once got forced (pushed) to jump; and yes I survived and it turned out – eventually – for the best; but it has taken a long time to get to the point where I feel both safe and successful. Really, it is okay to have both.
And it is not going to bode well for the next person who asks “now, when are you going to launch?” because I plan to never launch but to wade gracefully in to the stream.
I so needed to discover this post today.
.-= Deb´s last post … Inertia =-.