A chicken of
Do you remember when we used to chicken (as a verb) on Fridays?
A shared ritual in the form of PAUSING TO REFLECT, then checking in here to share what was observed.
The check-in-ing sounds like chickening, the words get tangled up, as sometimes happens to me and sometimes also happens with my week, and the best part of the chicken ritual was knowing: no matter how tangled my week might get, I would still end up here, where the unwinding of self and week begins.
There were no rules, it changed shape and form as it needed to, we’d mostly just name the bits of the week that were hard and recount the parts that were good.
Really this is also the practice of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.
Yes, good noticing, these other things were pleasurable and meaningful, they raised the joy factor, and they count!
Yes, sometimes what was hard was also good,
and vice versa, yes, acknowledgment and legitimacy for this too.
Breathing for the hard, challenging and extremely-mysterious mysteries of this week.
I desperately miss someone I hate
and still can’t stop crying
in public, like, pretty much constantly,
also cannot coax body to eat,
so worn out from 36 days on the road
and the seemingly endless miscommunications
and panicky-panics,
noticing many things that are not as they were and therefore disorienting,
too many decisions, overwhelming logistics,
the monsters of You Are Behind On Everything and
Extreme Doom,
it can be so challenging sometimes to remember that Now
Is Not Then,
especially with real terror in the air
that extra-porous highly-sensitive-person me feels
as far-away things are happening,
car is still broken,
heart too, yes, ugh, need a new metaphor for this pain-rage grief state,
betrayal and loss,
and yes, I also cried a lot about other things in the air like
actual nazis, treasonous collusion that seemingly meets no consequences,
all the memories of assault and all the stirred up me-toos,
[boundaries boundaries boundaries boundaries]
long aching days of driving,
and hiding from myself, and others,
when it all is too much.
Breathing for the good, joyful and rewarding bits of this week.
oh god bless mueller and the first spark of hopefulness since that awful day in november,
are we finally at the point in the movie where someone says IT GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP,
and we, the audience, are muttering yes good grief it took you guys long enough,
breathing for that, may these sparks become flames,
also I made it to a quiet peaceful ranch in nebraska where
a tiny sweet kitten and two loving dogs immediately adopted me as their own,
so much kindness, really and truly everywhere,
a waitress at a diner gave me an ice scraper for my car and insisted I keep it,
a stranger squeezed my hand while I cried,
so many people made me tea,
there was refuge in the form of an empty gym when I needed to be alone,
and in the form of dancing with jake on the carpet in the dark,
sometimes one moment would be so beautiful, so utterly gasp-worthy, we would
set something in motion to find it again,
the ken burns documentary about FDR was oddly calming,
as was watching it in the easy quiet company of an ex from nineteen years ago
who is now a friend, see, things can change shape and pain ebbs,
mary lou understood about everything, including how grief can eat away at appetite,
and listened and didn’t push,
and chris kept me company for two hours on the hardest day,
this trip has delivered many surprises but mostly in the form of new friends,
breathing for the good things I have already forgotten,
or didn’t appreciate enough,
breathing for tacos, libraries, shortcuts, signs, clues, labyrinths,
the road less traveled,
warmth when I needed it,
and new superpowers that get stronger each day.
And I made a page: come join our secret op if you haven’t already!
Come play
Share your chicken or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…
Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.
Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation. Thank you, week. Thank you, friends who keep company here.
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A chicken! <3
I have had a good week, actually, one of the best in quite a while.
Hard things: some queasiness and wobbliness at times, worries about the truck, missing my daughter.
Good things: a very satisfying Samhain, feeling powerful and graceful in my work, scented soaps and shampoo bars, journals and pens (*always* the sheer sensual joy of journals and pens), remembering to sing more (yes, even more), going out on cozy dates, and a new travel cup that says, "On a dark desert highway/Cool Whip in my hair…" Now, *that* is a travel cup. <3
I would like the superpower of Resting in Motion. In sslve form, I think it would smell like lemon chiffon, because I want it to.
(Salve form, of course, not sslve form — although sslve form sounds pleasantly snaky, so what the heck, I’ll take some of that, too.)
Laugh out loud, “Cool Whip in my hair”.
I sure do remember the Friday Chickens!
Here is my Saturday Chicken:
The Hard:
-Still sad. Still hurt. Still wanting attention from person.
-The problems I have to solve for our company are endless. Yesterday I had to cab down to the theater to tell a drunk audience member to keep it down or be booted out. He did, but still, not the most fun Friday night.
-A lot of awkwardness and not-wanting-to-do-the-thing at workshop today, esp because I found out right beforehand that the organizer has some surprising bigotry in his background.
-Frustration about 2nd cancellation of a thing I organize my day around every month
-Not looking forward to workshop tomorrow with lots of needy festival people
-Loneliness as I went to the grocery store today, and sadness that the thing I thought I loved feels like a chore now that I have a chance to do it with some free time.
The Good:
-I had a lot of times of not feeling sad or attention-seeking and I reblocked person so they can’t see my posts for a bit because I need more time
-I have no more full weeks of work this year!
-There’s a waiting list for schools to do my show!
-I’ve made progress on music for song!
-I’ve watched all of “Mindhunter” in a week!
-Getting into some really important stuff with [professional person]
-I am snuggly and warm right now and I have a candle lit in my cheery kitchen and I am going to cook myself dinner and I just had hot chocolate
-Workshop today was good because someone really needed to hear what I had to say and wants to keep working together
Thank you for this space to process and reflect <3 <3
Begork!!
Hard:
– Tired, so tired.
– People = anxiety = people.
– Missed opportunity because the ‘No’ life got in the way.
– Where’s my quiet time?
Good:
+ Being in a space where my art was taken seriously.
+ Leaving the house and having positive experiences.
+ Matcha custard.
+ Connections.
<3<3<3
It is Friday! Not the same Friday, but all timing is right timing, and all chickening is right chickening.
The hard:
– dark in the morning, dark at night
– apparently I can’t drink red wine any more; I had a hangover after a glass and a half
– not being one of the cool kids, and knowing that there is no such thing as cool kids doesn’t help
– anger; misunderstandings; stuff about stuff
– the slow-motion montage seems very slow
– the mysteries of time
The good:
– I keep looking up from this to watch the most amazing sunset
– book launch; being visible; the best rectory
– in fact, this has been a week in which I’ve felt OK about belonging to the Church of England
– people who agree that my reasonable feelings are reasonable (of course they are, but it’s so good to have validation!)