So. I’m using the last week of 2009 to get some things in order. Well, at least I did yesterday.
There’s the casual “hey, this is me accounting for things”. And the “looking at the books” sort of accounting. And some “cheshbon nefesh” — which is literally soul accounting, but more of a thoughtful taking stock of what is and how you got there.
Anyway, related to all this, I’m listing a bunch of things that are on my mind in this symbolic time-of-transitioning.
Please keep in mind that if I don’t mention you as someone fabulous, it’s not because I don’t think you’re fabulous, it’s just that you aren’t on this particular list that’s going up. Not personal.
More things I’m okay with saying goodbye to.
The kind of waiting that doesn’t nourish me and doesn’t help anyone else — like when I know what needs to be done but don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
“Okay, guys. We’re going to have to put our heads down and power through” a la Arrested Development.
Sometimes being the person who sometimes thinks she can say completely ridiculous things like that — to herself.
The part of me who so wants to give people I like the benefit of the doubt … that common sense and equity go flying out that hole I just punched in the wall.
Structures that don’t work. Systems that don’t love me.
More things I’m committed to bringing in more of.
Permission.
Intentional not-doing.
Creative and fun collaborative adventures combined with extra just-for-me time.
Pirates.
Relating to my inner introvert with a hell of a lot more respect than she has ever been given before.
Letting my dammit list call the shots.
Non-Emergency Vacation.
Some extremely wise things I have learned from other people this year.
“What got you here won’t get you there.”
No, not that one book that I didn’t really like.
But the concept.
Working with Hiro has been so completely eye-opening, and she has consistently pointed out the enormous variety of different ways in which I trip over this exact thing.
You know, the pattern of trying to use things that have worked for me in the past, and then wondering why it’s not working now.
It’s not working now because it can’t. It’s what got me here. Which is great. And now I need something else to help me move through the next bit.
This has taught me Useful Things about the value of being flexible: knowing what to drop when. And it’s been a good reminder of the importance of having all kinds of stuff in your toolbox.
Hiro is my shining star.
“Saying no can actually be an act of kindness — for me and my business”.
Oh, Charlie. I adore you for helping me make some peace with this one.
Here are some of my scribbled notes from the class he taught at my Kitchen Table program when we were spending three months working on our relationship with time.
Apologies if I have misquoted or mis-phrased any of Charlie’s bits of genius.
“When you say no, you’re reflecting the reality of the world.
Things are limited.
To do your things well requires committing to them: saying YES to the time and energy that you have for them.
Which means saying no to other things. It’s vital.
You can still allow yourself to feel sadness over what you have lost.
Saying no is like pruning roses. It helps them grow better and stronger. Really, the only way you can have beautiful roses is to say no. The pain of loss is still there, and the comfort is knowing you have done what is best for your roses.”
So helpful for me.
“You don’t want to show up at your desk and say ‘what am I doing today?'”.
Ha. Still working on this one too. Not very good at it yet. Possibly because I don’t have a desk.
Anyway. I got this from Michael Port and I can feel the truth of it.
Really ridiculously hard to practice though.
According to Michael, you want to show up at your desk (or your couch) knowing the following:
- What you’re working on.
- Why you’re working on it.
- When it’s going to be done.
Not sure if this is necessarily the exact formula for how I want to do things. Selma and I will probably end up altering the vocabulary to fit our wacky needs.
But I do know in my heart that the running around and putting out fires way of doing things is a classic example of what got me here and isn’t going to get me there.
And that bringing more mindfulness, more loving use of the word NO, and more positive constraints (another Michael-ism) is where I’m headed.
Another favorite word from 2009.
Mmmmmm.
Capacity.
I got this from Cairene.
This year was about learning to respect my capacity.
To recognize that it is not infinite. And that it doesn’t have to be. And that the relationship between non-cheesy self-care and conscious not-doing is a big deal.
What I want more of in 2010.
Water.
Being on ships.
Endless horizon.
Hot springs.
Looking at stars.
Spending time with the seasons.
Laughing.
Reading.
Learning more about what a strong foundation for all that looks like, sounds like, feels like.
Talking to my resistance and finding out what it needs.
Comment zen. Again.
Share away.
If you want to do any of these little contemplative exercise-things yourself, you’re more than welcome to.
Or if you want to reflect or not reflect or whatever, rock on.
We all have stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We’re practicing. Which is why we do our best to not throw shoes.
Big love. And mad Itemizing tomorrow!
Follow
Saying goodbye to:
~ Being responsible for the WHOLE world.
~ Holding my breath
What I’d like more of this year:
~ More secure foundation re: money. Not, like, ROCK but maybe firm-ish sand?
~ More respect for my Quite Sensitive Person.
~ More awareness of capacity (thanks Havi) and the difference between procrastionation and allowing.
***
‘Endless horizons’ made me cry. Is making me cry.
Sometimes just staying with the harshness of having *skin* is tough…
Aiyah…
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … How to make sure you fight at Christmas =-.
Dang it .. now endless horizons is making me cry too. That’s part of why I love the coast so much. It looks like the water and sky go on forever and ever and ever – and there is something about that that just makes me think “all is well”.
What I want more of in 2010:
naps
laughter
toes in the sand
time in nature
connection
star-gazing
staring into a campfire
.-= elizabeth´s last post … you are, you know =-.
Living in the verticality of the city these past 5 years has made me really hungry for horizontal viewpoints; I crave horizons. Give me meadows, lakes, skies.
What I’d like to cast off:
Judgments
Shoulds
What I’d like to gather close:
People who make me feel like myself
A sense of Home that is portable
Enough money to feel secure, but not so much that I feel like an asshat
.-= Lisa Firke´s last post … lf|HTK on hiatus until after the new year =-.
Best thing about my freight-ship travel from Australia to the UK: endless horizons with nothing but sea and sky, all the way round. Seriously awesome. (Other things were less awesome. But the vast emptiness of the ocean will stay with me.) I really miss that, back in small-skyed London.
Saying goodbye to:
– being scared of listening to myself / the things hanging around inside me.
– the fear of failure; in particular of creative failure.
– the fear of being laughed at, of the ‘who do you think you are?’ response.
– lack of clarity in my relationships.
– frustration-related irritability. (I know why I keep jittering with unfocussed anger/irritation; it’s because I’m not actually doing my stuff. Because I’m not up for listening to what that is, or because I’m scared of it, or because I think it’s Not The Right Thing in some sense. I’m ready to be done with all of that, I think.)
What I’d like more of in 2010:
– focus (I like the ‘show up at your desk knowing what to do’ thing up there).
– comfort/satisfaction in my own skin.
– a balance I’m happy with in the things I want to do with my time.
– a way that I can be happy with to work for the things I want to see in the world.
Woah. That was — slightly more than I expected to come out of the keyboard when I started writing this.
.-= Juliet´s last post … Repair, reuse… =-.
Havi, thank you. You’ve widened my horizons with your shining light this year, and brought so much joy and possibility with you.
Saying goodbye to:
Hesitancy, regret, second-guessing my heart’s impulses. Debts and obligations of all kinds. Constriction, barbed wire, anything grudgingly bestowed.
Welcoming:
Love. Play. The sea, the sky, wide horizons, stars in all their spiraling beauty. Delight, wisdom, friendship, understanding. Solid ground under my feet. Adventure, nature, home, belonging.
May all your farewells be gentle, and your gathering-in be filled with love.
Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Naming the Stars in the Sky =-.
ooo I’m sticking. My mind keeps drawing a blank. Silence.
Nada. The new year’s eve thing. Pressure to decide things HERE and NOW brings with it more than a little fear, angsting and performance related pressure as you’d expect. So I will resolve to play with accepting that until I can absorb and respond to some of the beauty ideas here. Permission to go slow and take my time. After all it’ll all come out in the wash in the end.
What I do know is that I have learnt so much from my therapist, the smartest lady I know, who after a very, very long time I am now slowly embarking on the beginning of an ending. Ohhhh. That’s an ending that is good but hard too and numbs me out a little. It feels inconceivable – like you know, the way that death of a loved one can feel at first.
And I have learnt so much that is truly invaluable here. It’s tapped into my need, my determination to hear, to soak up, grab good news,people braving it and feeling their considerable weighty and diffult stuff (all of you) and working thru it and ohhh doing your thing. This kind of stuff changes who I am or reminds me who I am and all the potential I have inside of me. It helps me feel I can bring the future to me – trusting that little bit more in my own process, yearnings, passions, insights.
I now have a combination of Sandra, my fantastic glorious, heart smart therapist and you guys – that is, Havi & Selma, living in my head. Glowing, shuffling, occasionally jostling for attention and sometimes dancing along together as a chorus to help me speak kindly to my resistance and scared-y cat bits.
I can’t help but think that that’s a bloody good start for 2009-2010.
Love to all and huge thanks for this space, for the jewels that glisten in the dirt and dark places, for growth, light, ease, love.
Yep, a little stuck but still more than a little grateful.
———————————————————
Oooo and is it ok to add this?! And if you can, forgive me the vidoe of Gorgeous Handsome Rugged 30 something men (ummm if that’s your thing that is). They seem to feel the need to walk somewhat mournfully through Nature wearing some really very nice scarves fellow knit-ees and some rather hefty microphone stands too. Ahh. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it baby!
A beauty pop song. Something I need a little more of. Always. Patience that is.
Take That – Patience.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=273eSvOwpKk
What I want more of is this essence soaked knowing when it whatever it is, is YES! not yes or weeeeell maaybe.
So I can say goodbye to wasting energy, attention and intention on what is really a NO wrapped up with fear of missing out, lack, poor habits and blasted patterns that make me feel like I should say weeeeell yes maaybe, but…
I LOVE reading all of these.
So much good foods for thoughts.
And cheesy as it may be, one of the things that makes this transitioning thing easier for me is knowing that we’re all in it together.
hmm… I’m still going through major decompression/recovery from my trip home. My mind hasn’t stopped swirling or cowering enough to really dig into this BUT, a few things are clear:
(I like Lisa’s words)
What I’d like to cast off:
fear.
fear of my creativity and expressing it.
fear of hurting others with choices that feel right for me.(sovereignty stuff)
my overabundance of self-doubt and self-sabotage.
not being able to pay my bills
What I want more of:
optimism
time spent creating stuff: drawings, pictures, sculptures
reading
writing
movement/exercise
Shiva Nata
money, enough to fulfill my debt obligations, buy healthy food, and cover rent for my own apartment.
I am ready to find some peace and quiet internally so I can think through other real goals for the new year…
This year I am saying goodbye to:
“the running around and putting out fires way of doing things”
because *boy* did that resonate, that describes it perfectly, the mad dash to find the right artwork that will sell and the money to pay the bills each month, and and and. I was just talking to Marty about this very thing in the car tonight, I just didn’t have the words until I read this post.
I am welcoming:
Exercise; I have missed it.
More whole grains
New systems so that things such as photo shoots do not send me into “crawl under the table and suck my thumb” mode
Sovereignty
Good attention for me and my work.
Feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
Friends, laughter and flowers. Also music.
Now to buy my blackeyed peas for Friday 🙂
.-= Andi´s last post … Alice and Friends =-.
saying goodbye to:
a closed heart
a puttering business
pointless debt
avoidance of things that make me uncomfortable
welcoming:
love and other wonders
a soaring business
investing in my self and my business
honoring the fact that I need a lot of winding down time
not caring that my landlady thinks I’m lonely just because I’m alone
Saying goodbye to:
procrastination
avoidance
the rut
Welcoming:
success
responsibility
activity
Thank you! And I’m down with the pirates too. 😀
I am expecting some very big transitions in 2010. Giant fear-conquring transition. So YAY! and Sweet Lord, what am I thinking? In that spirit —
What I am Releasing:
Carrying around other people’s stuck
Other people’s priorities and expectations
Food-pain
What I am Welcoming:
Dealing with my own stuck with kindness and patience
Sovereignty
Time and Space to more fully develop my dammit list
Freedom to Focus on only my Priorities
Maintaining Order
Thanks to all the comment mice for the support and fun in 2009.
@Havi, as always you are a Star!
.-= Lauren´s last post … 20 Things in 2009 That Didn’t Suck =-.
Would be very okay with saying goodbye to:
–overwork
–people-pleasing
–shame (oh, Gods, yes. Pay dirt. Even when I’ve done something to cause others distress — even when it’s legitimate — surely I can apologize, be a mensch and make whatever amends I can, without shame or guilt needing to be part of the equation?? Holy smokes, what would that be like?)
Committed to bringing in more of:
–Star-gazing.
–Dreamily dozing.
–Candlelight.
–Swimming.
–Deep breaths.
–Time to create whatever I want to create, not just what I’m assigned to create or expected to create.
–Shiva dancing.
–Sharing more of myself — my whole self my authentic self — with others. (Um, yes, don’t look now, but I think I just said that I’m ready for a bit more…*drumroll*…biggification. Eep!)
@everyone here: Thank you for sharing yourselves in this space, and for being so inspiring. @Havi: Thank you for creating the space!
.-= Kathleen Avins @spiralsongkat´s last post … If blogging can be therapy, can it also be triage? =-.
Saying goodbye to:
Waiting for other people to give me anything, including permission.
Not taking care of myself.
Acting OK with stuff with which I am not OK.
Welcoming:
Creative outlets.
A new business.
More time in person with my sisters and parents and friends.
The sparkly pencils Santa put in my stocking 🙂
My 2010 motto: “Shed My Obligations!” Yay! Deep breath and I feel even better!