A dream and an accomplishment (story hour)
I had a terrible dream last night, and it started out so beautifully and so promising. In the dream, I went to visit my favorite person to smile at, and we beamed at each other happily for a long time, and on the way back to my car, someone came at me with a knife and stabbed me.
When I told my smiling companion about the dream, they immediately asked where I was stabbed. I didn’t know.
While it rattled me, I think this dream is not so much about [the dream events] as it is the return of March.
A year ago we had no idea, or maybe an inkling of an inkling, but we did not know the extent to which everything would be overturned and undone; certainly I did not know how I would be undone.
February, the longest and shortest month, is over, and a new March is approaching, and there is momentous anticipation along with a sort of panicky trepidation in the air, because we are all deeply traumatized from the last one, and the way it seemingly lasted for years.
And so I am being given an opportunity to remember and practice Now Is Not Then — even and especially when now reminds me of then, as well as the superpower of Do-overs Forever, which was my February theme and really my whole life theme. Reset restart. New breath, new moment, what is here?
In the meantime, if you’re wondering if I exceeded my January record of 8000 sun salutations aka Sundulations, despite the month having fewer days in general and fewer sundulationable days due to Trauma and some chronic pain stuff, I am waiting for that call from Assassin School. Any day now.
Raising a glass of lavender sparkling water to my NINE THOUSAND AND NINETY NINE February sun salutations, because I’ve got nine thousand ninety nine problems but my morning ritual is not one of them.
Thanks to Laura for saying I should get the opposite of the Nobel Peace Prize, the Lebon Vengeance Prize, yes please to this prize being a thing and to me getting it.
Weekend Check-in, we made it.
Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.
We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.
Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.
If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD, but also I’m on an extended break from news after spiraling hard in December.
Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…
THING ZERO and THING ONE remain the combination of the pandemic and the dissonance, the lack of an agreed upon reality or even a shared context, re the coronavirus and also in the political.
I said this last week and it’s still true, so much time goes to trauma processing and rage processing from this and related things, also every single aspect of the attack on the Capitol, the horrors of the Trump administration and also literally every time I remember that the Supreme Court exists, etc.
This week’s challenges were mostly boundary-related and ADHD-related. How do I function in a world when I live outside of time? And how do I explain what I want to people whose wants for me are so entirely different as to exist in a different plane.
I had some uncomfortable realizations that were useful, but it took a while in the discomfort to get to the useful.
Tired of situations that do not hold me in high regard.
The ongoing mystery of where/how to live, and how to stop moving all the time.
And the ongoing question: how do I shower myself in adoration and affection to such an extent that any from anyone else is just a fun bonus? Who knows, but that’s the practice.
Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet
I baked the tiniest and most adorable ancient Persian vengeance cookies, aka hamentaschen, which I have not done in many years. As my favorite youtube chef would say, you are after all the Snookie of your ancient Persian vengeance cookie. And I am going to challenge myself to post a pic on Instagram for you, even though being online kinda stresses me out right now.
Poolside lounging like the happiest cat, writing full moon wishes and communing with the mountains.
Last night’s nightmare aside, I have been sleeping well and looking forward to bed instead of fighting with bed time, which is the dream.
Today I moved back to my favorite place, and I get to stay here for two entire weeks, and I am so thrilled to be reunited with this space that loves me back.
Speaking of places and wanting them to love me back, I bravely had a hard long distance conversation with the dragon (my 150 sq ft trailer in New Mexico), and it was fruitful. The builder built the dragon to be a very small home, and I wanted that, but the dragon does not wish to be a home. The dragon wishes to be a place for ritual.
There are a variety of forms this could take. The dragon would welcome being a place to write a specific form of writing it desires to bring into the world, or a place to create special concoctions to be shared with others (vanilla extract, very good mustard). It knows clearly that its purpose is for magic and not to be lived in, even in a magical way, and it took a while to be able to accept this, because I was trying to understand it. But this is one of those things where understanding is besides the point. The dragon knows what is best, and nothing is wrong, I didn’t make a mistake, I just need to reconfigure my vision.
Is that hard or good? I guess both, but in my heart I know it is good that we came to this clarity together. I am someone who knows how to listen and to reconfigure, these are things I can do, and that matters.
Delicious things remain delicious: desert tinctures, the mountains turning pink in the evening, morning bobcat time (stretching and moving), the way I am smiled at by the person who smiles at me like that, listening to Arabic music in the car and recognizing more words, the way Incoming Me just wants to wrap me up in love.
Ancient Persian Vengeance Cookies aside, I do love that I come from a people that celebrates grudges. Purim is truly the best holiday and I’m not just saying that because I was a Purim baby. Imagine being so MIDDLE FINGER IN THE AIR to the person who tried to mess with you that you name a whole dessert after your enemy, and eat it each year just to celebrate their downfall. Your enemies failed in their attempts to wrong you, and you name a cookie after them. Honestly inspirational.
In that spirit, I renewed a domain that I don’t want or need, because of an ancient grudge of my own, and the person who wants it could just have it if they’d apologize for being terrible to me, but they don’t want to, and so I took pleasure in this yearly ritual. It’s the little things.
This week, in addition to genuinely joyful grudges, also held insight, patience, self-tenderness, good conversations, warmth and hope. And much writing about some familiar and new goal-wishes, aka Gwishes…
Thank you again so much to everyone who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it is always welcome and received with love, and if I can land in a place, which is the wish-goal of wish-goals, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.
Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…
I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.
We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!
How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.
And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.
Love ya,
Havi
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Renewing a domain you don’t need because of a grudge is the greatest thing I’ve read all week.
This post today sparked so much compassionate joy and I am always rooting for you.
Also my new band name is Grudge Domain.
I so love this chicken, with a fierceness.
The hard:
~adjusting to new medication
~a full moon day of revisiting old, deep wounds that apparently aren’t healed, even now, but they hurt much less when I explored them (at Deep Dream’s request), so that’s something
~more work than I have the energy, mental or physical, to do, at least for now
The good:
~more light every day, glorious sun, this much closer to equinox
~locally made lemon yogurt, +&also the earl grey flavor +&also the lavender flavor
~Dr C’s homemade pretzels
~signing up for a vaccination appt – apparently even with my pandemic weight loss the medical establishment still thinks “she haz the deathfatz1!” – so why the hell not —> I just realized this is a form of vengeance! Bwa ha ha
what worked:
~sleepy gummies + kava
~a vitamin & supplement schedule + listening to what my hip bones and deep abdominal muscles say about movement and the frequency required thereof
~enlivening drum music in the earbuds whilst walking under a darkening sky
and a few more breaths for my dreams of a week filled with early-spring-light & superpowers of excellent navigation & allies of bon ami & respectful engagement
“she haz the deathfatz1!”
CACKLE CACKLE
Yes get that vaccine!!! Haha SUCK IT DIET CULTURE with your “health concern” trolling!
Seeing that post on Instagram reminded me to check the blog, so thank you for that!
I just said yes to a solo-retreat at an AirBNB one town over from me. Realizing that I have so many things going on right now personally + all the stuff in the world, like any one of them would be a reason of its own to take a pause. And also noticing: my first Rally was 7 and a half years ago now. I actually have been training for so long on how to make a really good container in which to heal and cry and rest and be and maybe let some stuff shift around. And the Airbnb has a clawfoot tub and a yoga nook and it’s by the fancy grocery store and a magnificent park with a pond. So feeling sparkly and excited about this (and grateful to the things I’ve learned here and in your spaces).
This week has some excellent parts. Trying to be with each part as it comes, despite the temptation to hyperfocus on this Friday and next Friday which have suspenseful bits I cannot rush.
Today feels like getting ready for a party. Disruption and cleaning, and then tonight I am cohosting a (virtual) gathering of people I love to do things I helped plan and am excited about.
Hamentaschen! Ancient Persian vengeance cookies! Simply marvelous. <3
My notebook this week has CHOOSE JOY written on the cover, along with a beautiful pearl button closure. I'm going to let this be my superpower for the week: when in doubt, choose joy!
Oh, and just for the sake of joyous rebellion (which could be *my* fake band of the week) I just may decide to resist the month of March. I don't have to march anywhere unless I want to! This can be my month of Stroll, or my month of Saunter, or my month of Meander…
“Imagine being so MIDDLE FINGER IN THE AIR to the person who tried to mess with you that you name a whole dessert after your enemy, and eat it each year just to celebrate their downfall. Your enemies failed in their attempts to wrong you, and you name a cookie after them. Honestly inspirational.”
This is the best thing I have read in a very very very long time. I am cackle-laughing madly and have copied it down into my journal for safekeeping. You are a treasure.
Choose joy!!
(That was a reply to
Kathleen)
Ahaha, that is some Count of Monte Cristo level revenge!
The hard:
– weird cluster of faff/awkwardness/temporal whatnot around the last project, when I would really much rather be concentrating on the new project
– continuing motivation deficiency in other areas
– I read a distressing thing and now it’s in my head
The good:
– partner has been summoned for vaccine
– there is a snowdrop growing in the garden
– I am enjoying the new project and the research around it
– quite staggering quantities of socialising, including a Zoom with excellent internet people
– the onion/potato pie I made this evening
– new garage door *that I can open*
What’s working:
– walk to write
– small drawings
Cluck cluck!
Onion potato pie yum!
I too walk to work ( when the sidewalks are not covered in inches of ice), 12/10 highly recommend!!! 🙂
Hard: do I have covid or just another sinus infection? Is not a game I want to play any more! I wish to move on to another game please!
Good: one can find recycled sari’s on The Internet to use as drapes! If only the company were called SariNotSari! (It’s actually called Mango Gifts, which is also charming).
Also Good: it is March, hopefully more sunshine, hopefully some vaccines in sight for self and loved ones. Also, EQUINOX IS COMING and so is Aries Szn, my birthday (fire emoji).
I did not know about Vengeance Cookies, what a miracle!
resisting the march of March – love this idea, thank you! Inspired by you, think I may just wander around (or even lay down) instead.
(was trying to post that in reply to Kathleen Avins, but already began my wandering I guess and so found myself down here)
Vengeance cookies! So sweeeeet!!
The hard:
– A dear younger cousin-once-removed, mother of four, is in critical condition in ICU, on multiple life supports after a spontaneous coronary artery dissection two days ago. Slight improvement since yesterday is at risk due to certain required “weaning” procedures today. Long road back is expected, if she does make it. Invoking universal Light for her and her care team.
– Other “hards” don’t rise to that level, but they are still there. That seems completely unwarranted.
The good:
– Discovered my paternal grandmother’s house, where my Dad grew up, on a real estate listing from last year. Lovely memories.
– Days are getting longer. Cold nights seem less oppressive, the days are warming up. Hearing birdsong. Thinking about weeding and mulch. Must call the pruning service.
Gwishes:
– Sparklepoints in advance for all the possible upcoming doingness of mud-luscious Spring, and for brain breaking out of its winter seed-coat.
– Peace and hope for all at this turning of the covid year.
Belated check in because I’ve been Doing More and not reading email.
Things are a mix of hard and good. I’m buying a condo and moving. The closing was on Friday, and I took a few things over there afterward. Now that it is mine, I am seeing things that need to be Dealt With that were not apparent on my multiple visits.
I calculated how much shelf space I would need for my books, and bought bookcases. They’ve been in the garage at the house,, and today they were taken over to the condo and sister C and I set some of them up and arranged others, still in their boxes to get an idea of how they would fit into the space. All my careful calculations based on measurements on the floor plan (inaccurate!) and the size of the bookcases were — wrong! It looks now like I have too many bookcases and not enough wall for furniture that needs to be against a wall.
I’m impatient to get things done, and I want to take my time — prolong it — so I can consider what I want and where I want it.
I’m not 36 anymore; I’m not 46 anymore; I’m not 56 anymore. At 66, I am not strong and energetic anymore, and I have to rely on others to do things that I used to do for myself. Some of them are not reliable.
Settling into the condo is a creative process and a joy. It’s also hard as I’m making so many choices now that will affect how I live in the condo. Leaving the house where I lived so long is sad, sad, sad. It’s also a joyous release from the weight of memory and the limits, some self-imposed and some resulting from by earlier choices not always mine.
Living into the questions: Who am I now? How do I want to live? What do I take with me into the next stage, what do I leave behind? Learning that releasing something does not mean abandonment or rejection. Understanding that where I am now and who I am is the result of choices I made and things I did in the past, but at this moment, I can choose which choices and which actions from the past will go with me into the future.
There is awe-inspiring freedom in this moment, poised to step into my future.
I think I am going to rethink the concept of vengeance! It always seemed like a bad thing, but you make it seem so fun and healing!
This week the hard:
Energy Slump.
A gathering that was not fun.
Questions about the Prophet who lives in my back yard.
This week the good:
I went to the gathering knowing it wouldn’t exactly be fun but it was worth the effort in terms of Community Relations.
A friendly walk with the Prophet, took my anxiety down a notch.
Some snow melted.
Some snow fell.
What Worked:
Just declaring a Vacation Day since I wasn’t getting much done anyway.
Putting one foot in front of the other, slowly.