Rewriting a narrative & other bedtime practices

The monsters of bedtime and their long list of regrets!

As soon as I get into bed at night and begin to consider the world of sleep and dreams, the monster-litany of regrets begins.

It’s a list, made by my monster voices of self-criticism, of all the things I didn’t get done during the day, even though I meant to, and all the ways I fell short at [everything].

And, as the listing of items goes on, I also notice some genuine sorrow in my heart about the gap between how I wish to live and how a day in my life actually goes.

The question remains

The question remains, as always, how do I disconnect from this monster-ing worldview of Shame & Blame, while meeting any heart-sorrow and myself with love and patience?

In other words, without being even remotely impressed by anything my monsters have to say, how can I also use this as a way to get closer to myself?

How can I locate and use the neutral information inside of the list, because once we strip away the guilt over what hasn’t been done, the list is full of clues about my true yeses and how I want to live…

What is a monster-litany

For anyone unfamiliar, I use the phrase monster talk to describe the cacophony of self-criticism that is a combination of internalized cultural stuff that comes from capitalism + puritanism (“you should have done more today, striving & achieving & accomplishing is what life is all about and you are bad at life!”), and various internalized family stuff. Stuff-stuff! So much of it.

Let’s not forget the general doubt-anxiety-shame spirals related to being a person in a body in a society.

The fraughtness of existing, sure, let’s call it that. Monster talk is the internalized blame-shame spiral of the world we live in, put into thoughts. Thoughts that sometimes pretend they are mine! But they aren’t, not really.

A part of me but not the whole of me, a part of me but temporary

They are a part of me, but not the whole of me, a part of me but temporary and meaningless.

And, importantly, they are not aligned in any way with what I actually believe in a heart-soul sense or a felt sense.

You know what, they are hop-ons!

Thought-hop-ons, that’s hard to say! But you know what I mean.

We can firmly instruct them to leave, and we can also notice who and what hops on, and get better at loving-discernment, which might be a form of loving-clarity.

Hearing or perceiving, naming & noticing

For me it helps a lot to name what they say so that I can separate it out from what I actually believe or want to believe. I will give examples of how this works!

Recognizing is how I separate from it, and separating from it is how I am able to meet myself with compassion, to the best of my ability, or get a reality check from friends if I can’t.

This practice of noticing is also a way to remind myself that this collection of cultural expectations, obligations and shoulds are a) impossible to meet to begin with, and b) often entirely unrelated to how I actually want to live or be in the world.

Approaches

So I wanted to talk about some of the approaches I use to quiet this, or reframe it or turn it around, so that I can sleep well and not spiral into anxiety, dread and the bad place.

And also I just wanted to talk about the phenomenon in general, because naming the pattern helps us see it or otherwise perceive that it’s happening.

And interacting with what’s happening reminds us that we can be in conscious relationship with these patterns instead of them running / ruining our lives, yes? Okay, let’s talk about it!

Technique: Thank you for the list!

If we put all the shame, blame and feelings aside for a moment, we have just been given a comprehensive list of what to focus on the next day, week or month.

If I just jot down the list of things and leave off the finger-wagging, now I have some direction.

I am always clear with monsters that I do not accept rudeness. I might say, You absolutely cannot speak to me like that, you are welcome to name the things you’d like us to work on this week, and you are going to be kind about it, because that’s how I best receive information.

Reminders (for me, for monsters, for all of us)

I might also remind them (and myself) that the list of what we think can be done in a day is always significantly longer than what can actually be done in a day.

Not only that, this was also true long before my concussion, before long covid, back in more energetic and able-bodied days.

And I remind them and myself that we have run many experiments with the Internal Scientists to demonstrate again and again that our perceptions and expectations of what can be done in a day are not anchored in consensus reality. Turns out that things take time actually, and sometimes we need to let them percolate.

And then I thank them for the list.

Technique: The reverse list

They named what I didn’t do? Great, let’s name what I did do.

Not, to be clear, that I think doing (doing anything, doing in general) is the be all and end all of being a person!

In fact, just the opposite. I actually happen to believe that not-doing is often valuable, healthy, meaningful and important, and even when it’s not, it can be neutral.

There’s no reason (if we can take a breath and remember a world beyond capitalism and internalized guilt) to think that not-doing is negative. This is something I’ve written about quite a bit.

However, in addition to reminding myself of all of the above, I like to make a list of what did actually happen in the day, because quite often it is more than I remember, more impressive that I am inclined to give myself credit for, and clarifying in a way that is useful.

Could a depressed person do all of that???? Turns out I did!

Naming what I actually did

My monsters of course are furious about literally everything that did not get done, and have all the usual complaints: you accomplished nothing, aren’t doing the minimum, wasting your life and your talents, falling behind etc etc, and they notice so many things I didn’t do…

And yet, look at what happened today! So many wins for one day!

• 35 minutes of morning kitchen jog used to be hard but it’s fun & easy now!
• 90 minutes of slow morning yoga
• homemade banana bread for breakfast, the decadence!
• cooked down ten onions for two hours until they were what Tamar Adler refers to as Elusive Golden Jam, to go on everything, for now on red chile rice…
• made coffee anise cardamom syrup to have with chai tomorrow
• listened to a podcast and learned things
• bravely did kitchen congruencing & organizing even though it can be so hard and stressful, I am the bravest
• heroically remembered to take vitamins
• went through email
• cleaned out a scary drawer, good job!!!
• hand-washed some garments and hung them to dry
• mostly stayed focused & calm, a miracle
• did some journaling
• hell yeah, taking steps towards yeses even when it feels like just fighting with no

Naming a wish-hope!

And maybe tomorrow I will have more luck with transitions from one activity into the next and not find myself turning to distractions that make me feel bad…

Maybe I will be able to find a way from morning movement practice into supportive forms of doing (or not-doing!), and not distraction ops that make me feel bad…

Lighting an imaginary candle for this beautiful wish!

Naming and noticing other wins!

Monsters stay enraged about the list, and yet…

My wise self points out that the fact that today wasn’t a space out & stim day even though yesterday involved cooking for several hours, which means I need less recovery time than I used to, which is amazing actually.

I am forgetting that even though my unequivocally good days are rare, I’m having fewer crash days!

And all that is impressive actually as much as monsters want to say it’s not, and all the more so after a busy day that had involved a lot of standing.

Forgot to do some important things, but they can go on the list for tomorrow, it’s gonna be okay, babe.

Bonus: Naming the things I don’t perceive to be impressive but would like to!

This is basically a rewriting exercise. For example, my monsters think aimlessly pacing is a waste of time and a form of avoidance, and something I do too much that is wasting my life, but what if it’s not…?

An hour pacing, good job, babe! Good job, being autistic! Good job, knowing you need to move and then giving yourself movement! Pacing is such a useful way to let thoughts work themselves out, it’s a form of release, it helps with perspective, what if we get extra points (sparklepoints parade) for pacing…?

Good job, stimming. Good job, staring staring out the window aka taking in nature aka giving yourself a break aka letting the slow healing process be what it is, good job, good job!

Good job, figuring out that your mood could be shifted by doing a hair wash in the sink since we still don’t have a working shower. Good job, realizing that vacuuming would help.

Technique: Get a reality check, it helps!

I love sharing this list with my friends, because they are way more impressed than I am, and this perspective helps me be kinder with myself.

My friends notice things that I don’t appreciate. They say things like, Wow, you are so committed to your movement practice, and that’s beautiful. Baking banana bread so you have it for tomorrow is such a good plan! Cake for the collective! An inspiration to us all!

And if I tell them that I am feeling anxious because I perceive (monster-thought!) that I have Done Nothing and Everything Is Bad, they know what that’s like! The most relatable thing ever!

And they can see it differently with their wisdom and loving-kindness (loving-clarity!), and by doing this, I am reminded of the ways I can see things differently too.

Related technique: how would I respond to a friend

And how do I respond, quite often actually.

Because this happens to my friends too, and it is very easy for me to see how what they were able to accomplish on the most stuck days is valuable, meaningful, and planting fractal flowers for the future.

Good job, crying through therapy for the collective! Good job, watching a movie and getting clues! Good job, going down a rabbithole that will prove useful later! Good job, learning what doesn’t work so you can try something else next time! Good job, fudge and popcorn for breakfast is so celebratory and inspiring! Hell yeah, making it work!

I feel such warmth, love, adoration and enthusiasm for my friends. I am wholly unimpressed by their monster thoughts in the same way that they are unimpressed by mine. I can unequivocally see the good in how they did what they could.

So even if friends aren’t available to give me a reality check about my monster list, I can imagine what they would say, or what I would say to them if it were their list.

Technique: the wise self counter-narrative

This is something I figured out I could do one day while doing gentle yoga before bed and contemplating the difference between a monster narration of my day, as opposed to the way my wise loving self might narrate or interpret what happened…

A monster narration:

Aaaaah I screwed up and deprived myself of the most vital thing for my mental and emotional well-being (morning stretching and sun salutations) in pursuit of FOMO (going to the farmers market) and it wasn’t even good!

I squandered what little energy I have, and wasted time and money for nothing, then was too hungry to function, ate all the food on hand, scrolled into oblivion, and yet again I am a known loser who makes bad choices and no one is flirting with me, which is rude, and this entire day was garbage….

A wise self narration (an interpretation & reframing)

Actually, let’s look at how this farmers market experiment went even though I didn’t enjoy it and got mad that I skipped morning practice.

What actually happened? I wisely clarified that the most important thing in my life is my one true love, morning practice, and simultaneously clarified that [fear of missing out] is monster nonsense, and officially confirmed that I’m not missing out at all!

And how fortunate that this was the exact right day to be hungry, because I had a strata ready to go into the tiny toaster oven and made room in the fridge by eating it, all good job!

Then I heroically did many small bits of congruencing that will make my week easier, and even made time for an hour of evening yoga, so despite being tired & cranky, winning! A glorious Saturday, in which I learned that I don’t have to try going to the market again, so many points to me.

And a brief mention of adding in anything physical

Something I talk a lot about is techniques in the hard versus in the soft, or physical level techniques in addition to mental-emotional level techniques or energy techniques or spiritual realm techniques.

So: everything I’ve mentioned so far in this piece is very mental level, in part because that’s the easiest kind of technique to talk about in a written format, where we’re already in thinky-thought mode.

This is your reminder that we can also add physical elements to a mental practice! For example I could play with any of the techniques named here while in legs up the wall, or while tapping my face or doing facial massage, or while shaking it out on the floor.

You can yawn several yawns or dance to a song, or take sixteen breaths.

Or whatever you like. Try things, see what helps. 🙂

Where do we go from here / where can we go from here

As we say so often around here, it’s a process.

Maybe one day I will get to the point where I don’t have monster-thoughts before bed or they don’t need to present me a list of All The Many Things I Didn’t Do, or I won’t care, or I will have already made my own list of what’s next.

And, also: we are where we are, working with what is. And where I am right now is dealing with a lot of pre-bed anxiety and a monster list. So these are the techniques I’m using.

As always, we try things, we note what works and what helps. If something doesn’t seem useful or isn’t for us right now, we can skip it and try something else.

It’s a process of experimenting, and all experiments are good experiments. The worst thing that happens is we learn something useful, and then try again, good job to all of us for being brave and trying things.

And a last word for now

Being a person in a body in a culture is hard! Or it can be.

It can take time to even notice our thoughts and feelings, or how an experience triggers a thought-feeling, and sometimes we find ourselves whooshing down a familiar neural pathway into a series of patterns before we can even think to interrupt them.

That’s okay! It takes practice. And noticing the pattern changes the pattern, even if we notice after. We’ve still altered the pattern by adding on the noticing. It used to be A-B-C-D-E-F, and now it’s A-B-C-D-E-F- noticing! Or even A-B- noticing-C-slightly different D, etc.

It all counts. Noticing is powerful. Trying anything new is powerful. Feeling how we feel and letting ourselves feel the things we feel is a big fucking deal. Good job, babe. You’re practicing. Noticing patterns for the collective! The collective appreciates it.

I am lighting a candle for positive shifts, and glowing all love and appreciation your way. May all of these experiments get progressively easier, let’s get better at giving ourselves more credit. Sparklepoints all around!

Come play with me, I love company

You are welcome to play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!

Which of these techniques (or others) are you interested in experimenting with? What patterns are you gently and lovingly rewriting —or gearing up to rewrite which is also part of the rewriting, and it all counts!

All experiments are useful experiments. What wishes or themes are you currently playing with? What helps?

And of course you’re invited to share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, into the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, and companionship helps.

Here’s to locating the most supportive rituals and experiments, with so much compassion.

A request

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

Or you can buy a copy of the my Monster Manual & Coloring Book if you don’t have it!

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share one of my posts with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️