A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the California wildfires, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling for everything getting peaceful as swiftly as possible.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Sourcing, not forcing

Breathing breaths of safety & sanctuary, for everyone in the path of fire

Heart-breaths.

Safety and sanctuary. Comfort and compassion. Miracles miracles, courage courage, guidance guidance. Whatever is needed.

A breath for I can’t solve this, I can only be present with what is and try to be brave and hold hope for something better.

I am here, breathing some breaths for California, for the people I love, for the people I don’t know, for the hurt and hurting places, for the world, for myself, for this overwhelming, soul-crushing level of anxiety that feels untenable and unsustainable, and yet here we are.

Thinking about the layers of this, feeling my way through the layers

Maybe layers isn’t the right word, but yes, also: there’s something here about layered anxiety.

For example, my heart aches and worries for my friends and family in southern and central California, and also there is a specific anxious hurting-and-worrying about beloved places that have meaning for me.

There is the anxious hurting-and-worrying about everyone who is in harm’s way. You see suffering and wish for it to be alleviated, you perceive fear and wish for it to be soothed. May it be alleviated and soothed.

And then at a broader level, there’s a more general existential nonstop angst related to how swiftly we are careening into climate collapse while continuing to mostly pretend it’s not happening.

Beyond that, the painful recognition that the people in charge are unable to be of help even when well-meaning, while the absolute worst people imaginable in this country to be dealing with any of this are about to be in charge. Nefarious, self-serving, and incompetent. Great stuff, love this journey for us. I do not love it.

Here we are (YOU ARE HERE)

So yes, there are a lot of layers to the anxiety. A whole passel of reasons, big and small, to pause and breathe and surrender and hope and be.

A breath for miracles, a breath for the easing of pain.

I have definitely been in the morass space this week, in the hurting places, in the existential terror and the long witching hours.

Here we are (YOU ARE HERE), in this human morass of wanting better for the world, and grieving. And it sucks.

It sucks. It really does.

It sucks. I don’t want to pretend that it doesn’t.

And also I wish I had something more hopeful to say. Maybe we will get there.

Also: What is the opposite of a morass?

Not forcing, and: getting there anyway

Anyway, this is what I am thinking about these days:

How are we going to stay brave and stalwart, breathing our way through these very scary times.

Not forcing ourselves into gratitude, not forcing ourselves into courage, but somehow channeling what we need.

And, also, at the same time, what if maybe we end up finding our way there anyway (rooting into gratitude, rooting into courage) in a roundabout way.

Getting closer

There will be some sweetness and tenderness available for us in the hard times. It’s there, and we will figure out how to access it.

Okay. That still feels like not exactly what I am trying to describe, but closer.

Something about resilience but in a new shape, new form…

Here is another question that keeps coming up for me:

How are we going to channel resilience with grace, a Striking Resilient Grace?

How are we going to breathe our way into the grace of resilience, in a way that is not like past ways, but a new way, whatever this particular timeframe is asking of us…?

I don’t know, but here’s to Striking Resilient Grace, here’s to new forms, here’s to finding the utility in the unknown of it all.

As in: yes, this is scary in a new way, and also, I am going to channel something new to meet it.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

I am not in California where the fires are, but in the southwestern United States, where we are being hit with a brutal cold spell that seems to have no end in sight. The past couple weeks have been scary cold, and it just seems to keep getting colder.

Temperatures have been as low as 12 degrees Fahrenheit (-11 Celsius), and are supposed to dip lower than that this week. It’s the desert, we are not in any way prepared for this.

As you probably know if you hang out here, I live in a very small unheated metal box at the edge of the forest. This year I upgraded from one small space heater to three small space heaters, two of which are on remotes, and that’s been awesome, but it’s still not the same as central heating.

Then guess what happened next!

Frozen

Just to make things more exciting, there was a NINE HOUR POWER OUTAGE the other day, when I couldn’t heat my place at all.

And then the pipes froze and I didn’t have running water for two days.

If my anxiety before that was already running wild, I cannot even express how these new situations made it worse. I was not okay. I couldn’t figure out a path from not-okay to somewhat better. Resilience and Grace both felt very out of reach.

The best I could manage was to keep saying, “You’re doing amazing” to myself. Courage, courage. Miracles, miracles. Guidance, guidance. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. Let’s keep going.

I kept going, and it worked out, and I was able to stay the night with a friend, who also came over the next day and helped haul water, what a blessing.

Cold Spells

The phrase COLD SPELL is very funny to me, because it almost sounds like it’s the work of an angry witch? Could be! Who can say!

We are in a spell, we are under a spell, the spell is that everything is cold. It’s a cold spell.

A spell is a period of time, and a spell is something that is cast, in time. This is happening right now, and it will continue to happen, for a spell, and then something else will happen.

To spell something out is to clarify. To be in a spell is to be in the clarifying, the revealing.

That seems contradictory on the surface of it, but what if it isn’t.

Spigots

So this is a fun thing: whenever the temperature goes below 28 degrees Fahrenheit (-2 Celsius), the pipes in my kitchen freeze and I don’t have water in my house.

I have to fill jugs in the late afternoon for everything that happens in a house that might involve water, and then shut off the water to the house in the evening, and just hope it comes back the next day once things warm up.

So this current cold spell has involved a month???? of temperatures that low.

That’s a lot of hauling water in containers from outdoor spigots.

It solved itself (and then it didn’t, but maybe it will again)

This life of constantly haul water from spigots got temporarily solved when someone had the brilliant idea to install chicken coop heat lamps under my house directed at the walls where the pipes are.

This was only a temporary reprieve, for which I am still very grateful.

It bought me eight entire degrees. Blessings upon this solution. Eight degrees of leeway is not nothing. It’s a lot.

Now when the temperature dips below 20 degrees Fahrenheit (-6 Celsius), I am back to spigot life. Which is also happening more often than I would like but at least it’s not every single day, on repeat.

A breath for any reprieve in a storm, a breath for all the miraculous ways that something can solve itself, and might again.

Spigots, again

It is interesting how often I am thinking about spigots.

I did a meditation for the anxiety, trying to separate out what is mine vs what is from the collective, what is from now vs what is from then.

An image appeared for me; I saw or maybe felt and perceived a spigot at the back of my heart. Like a faucet that was just whooshing non-stop anxiety.

I turned the faucet off and the anxiety stopped. I wondered who would have installed an anxiety faucet and for what purpose.

And I asked for a new energy body, a new form, something that doesn’t need to plumb in anxiety, or anything for that matter.

Source

It occurred to me that maybe the original idea behind the anxiety faucet was as a release valve. Like a give it to god, give it to source, return to source mechanism for letting all the excess anxiety exit my body.

And at some point, it got reversed and the anxiety began flooding inward?

I don’t know if that makes any sense. It made sense in my body-mind in the moment.

I like thinking about how [source] can be the source of my anxiety, but source can also be SOURCE, as in holy holiness, a well-spring of any quality I need to channel.

What if I can be a source of sourcing, of resourcefulness, sourcing a flow of grounded calm, sourcing a flow of steady courage? Breathing into my courage heart.

Breathing into my courage heart

I imagined that, without the anxiety spigot, my heart space was filling up on courage, glowing courage, a beacon of courage. A place to love myself and love my own heart.

Imagining the word COURAGE writing itself with my breath, its essence moving through me.

Imagining COURAGE integrating into the rest of me, spinal fluid infused with courage, circulating courage throughout my body.

Located

The day after I perceived the spigot of anxiety at the back of my heart-space, and asked for it to be removed, my back went out. I couldn’t sleep because the pain was so intense and there was no non-painful position.

The pain started at my right shoulder and ran all the way to my hip, but the center of the pain was located in my mid-upper back, at that back of heart-space where the spigot had been.

The next morning, it had eased up a bit, and I tried to do a little light gentle jogging to warm up the joints and activate core, but it was excruciating. I made some sounds that I hope to never make again.

An hour of very gentle yoga helped more than I expected to but not as much as I needed it to (the familiar, ongoing theme of everything in the category of Things That Help).

Location location location

I sent a hail mary text to the chiropractor I know who has done magic on me in situations like this, but was booked for several weeks out, and luckily a last-minute cancellation opened up a spot for me the next day.

“Oh nooooo, oh Havi, oh nooooooooooo,” he kept saying every time he lightly touched my back or neck, and then hugged me out of the pain, and did some massage to help with breathing.

I told him about the spigot, and my months of heartbreak-heartache, and the anxiety and my dad, and he said, that all tracks.

Heart and breath and anxiety and it’s all in the same location, but hey, at least I know where to focus my attention. Love for my courageous hurting heart.

Rooted in Gratitude, Rooting into Gratitude

I am not one for forcing gratitude.

In my experience, often just arriving at the general vicinity of gratitude requires a lot of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy practice: sometimes you have to name all the hard things and make space for them to be hard before it’s even possible to find the good.

A practice of rooting into is a practice of getting there, my way

In the evening, I name what was hard or challenging in my day, and when these parts have been named and heard, I am able to be even more brave and get curious about what I am thankful for.

I call this practice RIG (Rooted In Gratitude) because this is very funny to me, and reminds me of sailboats and rigging.

And ultimately RIG is about discovering what might allow me to root into gratitude, steadily, gently and intentionally, instead of trying to make gratitude happen, or to wish myself into becoming someone who just finds the good.

Rooted In, generally

What I mean by this is that it doesn’t have to be about gratitude. It can be Rooted In [anything? many things? whatever helps?], and I am more interested in the practice of rooting into qualities than any particular quality.

Right now it’s gratitude, which I am not forcing but inviting. And whatever supports my heart space.

Stretch Goals (double meaning)

It is probably not a coincidence that I have not had back pain since I was visiting my dad this summer, which happens to be the last time I stopped doing my daily yoga time.

Until this week when I took four days off from yoga for reasons that seemed very reasonable in the moment, aka not enough time in the day to do the things that need doing.

And my back was like, FYI I am now on strike until further notice, also now your heart space hurts in a way that is physical and not just emotional.

So I am thinking about stretch goals in the sense of A Glorious Return to the physical and breath-centered practices that help.

But also in the sense of having a baseline goal or wish, and then something I am reaching towards beyond that.

Like a big cat

Reaching and stretching for it like a bobcat, with length and breath, centered, moving from center.

Intention initiates breath initiates movement. Slow delicious big-cat stretch towards my wish.

Not straining. Not pushing. Just an expansive intentional reaching.

Reach and breathe, reach and rest, reach and nap, pause, shake it off, shake it out. Not bound by rules.

Movement that is fueled by curiosity and desire. Playful grounded expansive movement, plenty of rest.

May it continue to solve itself

Trying to stay attuned to all the many, miraculous, beautiful ways some of these issues have solved themselves or are solving themselves.

Here are the powers I am naming, invoking, requesting, channeling:

IT IS SOLVING ITSELF AND I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW

SOME ASPECT OF THIS SITUATION IS GOOD AND I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOOD OR HOW IT IS GOOD

EXTREME SELF-CARE, SELF-TENDING, SELF-TREASURING, SELF-NOURISHING

THIS STORM WILL PASS

Let’s keep going

It is so brave to keep meeting these hard, scary times, and it helps that we are doing it together. Let’s keep going.

Here is what I am trying to keep my focus on:

Sourcing, not forcing.

Not forcing, but getting there anyway.

Please join me, if any of these appeal to you, or add your own focal-point wishes.

What else am I committing to trying?

Doing what helps, when I can, to the extent that I can, and prioritizing these practices, making sure I don’t neglect myself.

Asking for help. Rooting into the qualities that feel indicated, necessary and supportive. Intention, breath, movement. Sourcing resourcefulness.

A graceful resilience might be the stretch goal, but any resilience counts.

Tenderness for my own heart.

Tenderness for my own heart (is it a stretch?)

It’s certainly a beautiful wish. Is that a stretch goal too? Maybe, but that’s okay.

We can stretch into it gently, we will get there when we get there. What matters is the process of noticing and naming the needs, the work that doesn’t get enough credit.

Courage, courage. Miracles, miracles. Guidance, guidance. Trust, trust.

All this and more for our resilient brave hearts.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

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