A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

You do not ever have to leave your comfort zone*

Here is something we do not talk about enough

Here is something we do not talk about enough:

Some people get a high from pushing themselves to do something that’s uncomfortable for them, and that high gives them a certain amount of pleasure, and I love that for them. What a cool experience for someone (who is not me) to have.

If you aren’t one of those people, first of all, do not take advice from those people haha. It will make you so miserable.

People vary!

You do not ever have to leave your comfort zone*

*Unless doing so gives you a fun high, in which case go for it!

Also

Also, I just want to acknowledge how much it sucks that the broader culture applauds and rewards stories of people who push past their comfort zone, and stigmatizes not being able to do it.

And second of all, please know that it’s truly okay to be in the camp of people who need to feel safe and comfortable to be able to function, and who thrive when they can add on more comfort, not when they push themselves to be uncomfortable.

Maybe you’ll find some good, supportive ways to gradually expand your circle of what feels comfortable and doable for you, in your own right timing, applying the principle of Safety First.

A breath for that.

Seventeen years ago, somehow

I wrote an essay here in May of 2008, which is somehow seventeen years ago, called give me back my comfort zone. I still get emails about it occasionally.

Apparently it was something people needed to hear, or maybe, really, were craving to hear.

The zone of what is comfortable exists for a reason

We live in a culture that goes hard on all the reasons you (allegedly) need to be pushing yourself at all times; a culture that doesn’t have a lot of patience for those of us who are not served by experiences of discomfort.

And I think about this dilemma or this challenge every time someone sends me a post or meme that’s a variation on “don’t tell me to get out of my comfort zone, I want to be even more comfortable than I already am”.

It’s good that the conversation is shifting, that it’s become more acceptable to push back on the narrative that the only way to pursue positive change in your life is to get uncomfortable.

Use what works for you of course

Again, if you’re the kind of person who gets a high from trying something that scares you, then practicing exiting your comfort zone might be a great technique or approach for you. Enjoy that big sensation!

It just doesn’t need to be the only way, for all people all of the time.

And I would love for our culture to shift in a way that makes more room for those of us who need extra comfort, extra time, extra space, to explore without making ourselves miserable.

I’m glad it’s becoming more acceptable to be a comfort-zone dweller, or even devotee

I’m glad this is becoming more of an acceptable thing to say these days. It’s good to know that about yourself, if you are the kind of person who thrives in a comfort zone.

And I’m glad it’s becoming a little less stigmatized, in some circles, to be a comfort-zone dweller, or even a comfort-zone devotee. Hell yeah. Love a good sanctuary space. If that’s what works for you.

And I stand by what I said then, and also: I have some additional thoughts, so let’s revisit.

Starting here

Here’s an excerpt from the piece I wrote in 2008:

“There are all sorts of well-meaning people who think it’s in your best interest to force you to do some fear-facing, when actually the thing you are needing most is comfort. They sincerely want to help. They think that if you can leave the place where you’re comfortable and try this new, scary thing, you’ll get over it already.

“The problem is that sometimes what you need in order to grow is more comfort. And this kind of work needs to happen where you feel safe; where you’re most comfortable.

“That’s why there’s a zone for it.”

A breath for this, and a few more points I’d like to make that I didn’t get to back in 2008…

1: We don’t exist in a vacuum

The work we do here around our patterns and habits (learning about them, lovingly interrupting them, rewriting them) doesn’t exist in a vacuum; it exists within culture. We all exist within culture.

And like I said before, our external culture really prioritizes and rewards things like stepping out of your comfort zone, facing your fears, or being able to make a big lifestyle change quickly.

Those are the stories that get positive attention. We exist inside of culture, and culture informs what we think has value.

External culture tells us how to think, and what to prioritize, and we “should” be able to accomplish.

It doesn’t make a lot of room for being someone who needs to dip one toe in the water and then think about the water for a while. What gets applause is jumping off the diving board.

(A quick aside)

Sometimes when I talk about this theme, I have noticed that some people respond with “well, you should just be able to be stronger than culture”, and that’s a nice thought and a beautiful wish, and I want it for all of us too.

And, reality is, culture is a powerful force, and it can be hard work to extricate ourselves from these concepts, especially when they are often hard to observe or discern because they are just part of the air we breathe.

That’s great if your perception is that you just don’t let culture influence you. I support that! This is for those of us who still find that work ongoing and challenging…

Okay, back to the main theme!

Here’s a secret, maybe

People love to tell you things like feel the fear and do it anyway, or beyond fear is freedom, but here’s a secret about those people. They have a fear-facing kink.

Or at least, they are getting something pleasurable and enjoyable out of the experience of pushing themselves past a limit, scaring themselves, or taking a big risk.

And good for them. We love this for them. They’re having fun!

It’s just not the best advice for the rest of us

It’s just not the most sound advice for those of us who don’t get a rush from exiting our comfort zones.

We need a different approach. It’s not that we don’t ever want to try something new or make a change, we just need that change to emerge differently.

We need our zone of comfort to gradually expand to encompass new territory, so that new things become comfortable, instead of being forced into the discomfort.

2: It’s good to know which camp you’re in

People Vary.

Or, as I sometimes like to say, there are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world, and those who don’t. 😉

But regardless of whether you view this comfort zone issue as a two kinds of people situation, or infinite kinds of people, either way, human variety is the constant.

There are people who exist, and I know many, who get genuine benefit from the experience of gathering up their courage, breaking free from their comfort zone, and doing something that scares them. I would never want to take that away from them. I’m glad they can have that experience. And…

And…

And, there are people who need extra sanctuary, extra time, extra spaciousness, extra steadiness, extra permission…

These are the people (raises hand: it’s me) who require lots of layering on of experiences of safety and comfort, before they are going to be able to try something new. That’s just how it is.

And when we do go ahead and try that [something new], we are going to do the extra work to make that new experience feel as safe and comfortable and approachable as possible.

This is a valid way of being in the world!

Even if external culture doesn’t make movies starring characters like us. We’re still here. And it’s a good and useful thing to know about yourself if that’s what you need to thrive.

3: No one gets to drag me kicking and screaming from my comfort zone, no matter how much they want to

Just because the broader culture thinks getting out of your comfort zone is the one right way to accomplish things doesn’t mean that I agree to be pushed into doing something I’m not ready for.

Maybe I’ll find a more creative way to get there. Workarounds exist!

It’s good practice to get to know your limits.

This helps us express boundaries in a clear and neutral way when we can; to say “hey, this isn’t working for me, I am going to need to find another way.”

I also find it very interesting that it hasn’t occurred to many people that there are in fact a variety of ways to initiate change that don’t involve forced discomfort or making yourself miserable. And yet, these ways exist. Let’s talk about some of them!

What does comfort zone expansion look like

A much more interesting habit-building practice to me is this…

Rather than trying to push myself out of my comfort zone (which is honestly an act of violence, if you’re someone who doesn’t get a pleasure hit from fear), I think about what further comfort I could add.

Instead of developing habits of pushing, I’m focused on developing habits of deep abiding self-compassion and self-acceptance in service of deliberate thriving.

And maybe that also feels beyond your comfort zone, that’s okay too.

Playing at the edge

What if we just gently, slowly and steadily expand our sense of what could conceivably be comfortable, and find out how, exploring what that might look like. Investigating with curiosity and patience.

Playing at the edge instead of forcing ourselves to dive in.

Is there an around? Is there growth and play and pleasure that can happen in the shallow end?

Adding on comfort, layering it on, creating safe experiences to thrive. And then, from there, we play.

We can slowly and gradually expand our sense of what might feel comfortable, in a slow, steady quiet calming way that feels safe.

Prioritizing sanctuary

I know for me, I will try new things once I am ready, and pushing myself does not encourage me to feel ready, just the opposite.

When I can channel the superpowers of Deep Compassion For My Needs / Self-Acceptance in service of Deliberate Thriving, I can also experience the joys of Annexing New Space Into The Comfort Zone.

Sometimes I have moments of being a High Sensation Seeking adventurer who enjoys very specific types of risk-taking, but I get there by making room for the fact that I am mainly someone who needs to hide and rest a lot.

What might this look like

Sometimes I need to learn a lot about something before I try it, or sometimes I need to do something else entirely for a while.

Sometimes I need body-doubling and companionship, sometimes I play with proxies, sometimes I journal with the version of me who is less scared.

In all these cases, my priority is taking care of myself and my needs, not forcing myself to jump out of a plane or to become someone who can jump out of a plane.

(Or whatever feels like that level of scary right now, maybe it’s something seemingly small, that’s okay too!)

Where do we go from here?

I would love to exist in a culture that made room for all of us, for the people who get a high from doing something uncomfortable, and for the people who need to make an experience more comfortable before they can give it a try.

Obviously we have some bigger issues going on in our world at the moment, and still, it remains a beautiful wish, and I am wishing it.

Ultimately it is a wish to exist in a world (and build a world) that is inclusive, loving, and welcoming. A world that values a spectrum of ways of being.

In the meantime…

In the meantime, let’s keep playing with self-knowledge: testing hypotheses, and running experiments.

For example, if it seems like I need quality Y to thrive, how can we add more Y to this situation?

Let’s also keep playing with radical, wild self-treasuring:

What if it’s okay if my needs are my needs? Maybe I don’t fit the mold of what this culture values; I am going to find my own way anyway.

Or maybe let’s start even smaller

Maybe some of these themes feel too big or overwhelming or unwieldy. We can start small.

A breath for re-orienting our focus, moving from what external culture values to what we value in our internal culture or in the culture we wish to glow in community.

If you know that getting yourself to move out of your comfort zone can bring a thrill, then play with that.

And if you know that trying to push yourself out of your comfort zone is miserable, spend some time really getting to know and treasure your comfort zone, learning what supports comfort for you.

Maybe focus on embellishing and enhancing comfort, see what happens, see what you learn…

Both/and (or sometimes this and sometimes that)

You might find that you sometimes like one and sometimes like the other, that’s a great thing to know about yourself too. We have options! Different situations call for different approaches.

If radical self-acceptance feels too big and too scary, we can back-burner that for now.

What about just five percent more accepting and accommodating of our needs? Can we start there? Let’s find out!

A breath for how brave it is to consider these questions…

Stepping outside of culture is not easy. Contemplating our needs and what supports us and helps us thrive, and giving validation to any of that can also be really challenging especially when we aren’t used to it.

We can give this time.

A breath of spaciousness. A breath of making room for whatever we are experiencing. We are already practicing more kindness towards ourselves just by considering that we have options here.

There is no reason to force yourself to leave your comfort zone if you’re feeling comfortable and good there right now. Unless it’s fun and exciting for you when you do, in which case, enjoy the heightened sensation, enjoy the zone of fun unknowns.

Wanna do some comfort zone redecorating?

In the meantime, anyone interested in doing a little comfort zone redecorating is invited to play in the comments with me or do some journaling on that on your own if you’d like. Let’s get cozy!

What about an enhanced comfort zone? What does extra comfort look like or feel like, and what if that itself is a subversive practice? (I think it is!)

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

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