A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement on Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Desperately Seeking Shift

Starting at the starting point

For the past few weeks, I have been experiencing extraordinary levels of anger, I am not sure that level is the right word. Units of anger?

Volumes? I like that, there is something of heft in that which feels relevant. Volumes like a stack of big hardcover books, volume like noise, volume like amounts.

Anyway, regardless of the correct word for a unit of anger, I have really been in the deep end of anger.

Okay, the deep end of anger. What is the anger about?

Answer: The anger is about everything.

I am experiencing anger over the news, anger over all the fascism, anger over the horrors.

Anger over violations and harm that have befallen me personally, both in the past month and twenty years ago and more years ago than that, and everything in between.

Anger over the way one memory stirs up twenty more. Anger over the wrongs not righted. Anger over times someone else made my choices for me or stole my ability to choose.

And so on.

What do we know about anger? At least three things.

The first thing I know about anger

Anger is legitimate. It just is. I learned this first from my therapist Meirav and then my spiritual teacher Orna in Tel Aviv.

In fact, whatever I am feeling has a reason, or many reasons, and I don’t necessarily have to know what exactly those reasons are, though often naming them does help…

My anger is a normal and reasonable reaction to whatever situations, experiences, memories and so on are showing up for me right now.

It is okay for me to be feeling this uncomfortable feeling, and also I don’t have to like it. Both of these can be true at the same time, and they often are.

We practice acknowledgement & legitimacy as a way of making space for the big, uncomfortable feelings to exist, so that they can reveal what they have to reveal…

The second thing I know about anger

I learned this from Karla McClaren, and am forever grateful:

Anger is a messenger, and it is a messenger whose message is always the same: A boundary has been crossed, and it is time to re-establish boundaries.

This is very useful, because I have wasted a lot of time in life wondering why I was angry, when it turns out the reason is always the same.

A boundary has been crossed. A boundary needs to be established or re-instated or reconfigured or come into being in some way. This isn’t necessarily easy work, but also: the work is cut out for me. The path is clear.

I begin with naming the boundary that has been crossed, and brainstorming how to make sure I am beautifully boundaried from now on.

The third thing I know about anger

Anger, like any other big uncomfortable feeling, is energy or can take the form of energy…

Which means that it can move through my body and my life in the way that it needs to in order to exit or transform.

I can work with anger through writing my anger, dancing my anger, running with my anger, taking my anger to the mountains or to a body of water, I can do yoga with my anger…

Somatic wisdom is a language, and I can ask questions, and I can listen…

I can shake out my body and tremor and rage and flail and yell and cry and roll and soothe and stim and comfort and let it move through me.

And I can pay attention to where it is in my body, what feels constricted, what feels disharmonious, what is tightening, what is contracting, what is aching, what does my body know about this energy and about letting it move?

And so on.

Anyway…

Anyway, those are some of the things I have been blessed to learn and come to know about anger over the past nearly fifty years…

And as I move through this period in which I am processing a lot of anger and considering fortifications, these are the themes on my mind.

But I am also thinking about SHIFT and what constitutes a shift.

What is a shift / what brings about shift / what constitutes a shift

Sometimes this shift is a shift in perspective, sometimes it is a shift in circumstances, sometimes it is a shift in aesthetics, sometimes it is a shift in mood.

Sometimes I joke to myself about “giving a shift”, as in I don’t really give a shift but what if I could get excited about shift…

So here we are. I am investigating everything that contributes to good/useful/fun shift, and learning about the sizes shift might come in, and when I want a big shift and when I want a tiny shift or many tiny shifts…

And while I don’t necessarily wish to say that I am grateful to the traumatic situations that have brought up or revived all this extra anger, it has been useful to be focused on and towards shift.

A large shift

Here is an example of a large shift.

As many of you know, since 2020 I have been living in a teeny tiny house, aka a small metal box on wheels, in rural New Mexico. And this small box situation doesn’t come with a lot of amenities.

There is no shower, there is no laundry, and until quite recently, there was no heat. Which is to say, I could use electricity to heat my little home with space heaters, but there was no way to keep it warm when I wasn’t there, or keep it warm at night.

This meant that I spend an inordinate amount of time just trying to get warm and stay warm.

Or figuring out how to cook when my olive oil and coconut oil were frozen, which was most of winter.

Or jogging in circles in the kitchen while wearing all my clothes, and wiping down the walls as the indoor icicles on my windows melted…

And then this winter, I got indoor heating.

What a transformation

I cannot even tell you how wonderful and transformative this has been for my life.

It is such a joy to not have to wear a hat to sleep, or to not wake up miserable. My pipes haven’t frozen once. I haven’t had to turn off electricity to the well pump on cold nights.

I love that I can go visit my aunt in Tucson and when I come back, I don’t have to make sure enough hours of daylight are left to heat up the house so that I safely can unpack the car before bed.

Right now I am sitting to write, and I don’t have to do it from bed, or take breaks to make tea or put on five pairs of socks, because the kitchen is warm enough to just sit in. A delight. Who knew.

Who knew

I mean, everyone knew, but the problem was that everyone had a different opinion on what the right answer was to my heating problems. And some people said this solution would work and some said it wouldn’t.

And also it involved being A SQUEAKY WHEEL to make it happen, and I hate being a squeaky wheel, so luckily a friend of mine did that part for me.

Then it happened, and everything got better. My biggest problem of the last six years, solved by someone making a bunch of phone calls for me, and someone else kindly paying for it.

Ultimately it wasn’t that expensive, and it wasn’t time-consuming, and everything in my life is noticeably, markedly better in every single way, and I am full of gratitude all day every day.

What does this tell me

So for one thing, this is something I would put in the category of a Big Shift. Size L.

Something changed in my life, and that change made every single moment of each day and night better for me.

A big shift. Blessings upon the big shift.

What else is in this category? What else is like suddenly having climate control in my home?

And obviously I am wishing for big shifts in the world and our world, in American politics, in the many nightmares and the many mysteries, but right now in this moment I am looking for examples in my tiny life.

Naming and renaming, and doing a little divide and conquer

What wishes, projects, plans and dreams can I place in this category of A Big Shift?

There are obvious ones that are a little complicated (like getting onsite laundry and a shower), and maybe there are other ones.

And maybe some of these big shifts can be broken down into smaller projects and steps.

For example, there is a really obvious place to build a shower, but there is a pole in the obvious place that would need to be moved, and everyone has conflicting opinions on whether the pole can be moved.

But maybe the next step is just to find out who knows, and how complicated it might be…

Small shifts

If there are big shifts, there are also small shifts. Lighting a candle does wonders for my mental health.

Or for me, cleaning the bathroom, or changing sheets on the bed. These are examples in the category of a seemingly small but meaningful shift that changes the energy and improves my mood.

Going for a walk in the pasture even though I don’t want to because it is good for my mental health is a small shift.

Re-ordering the salt I like, even though I have been fighting this for three weeks for reasons that remain mysterious to me, would be a small but meaningful shift. Or maybe even a bigger shift than I think.

Giving myself a mini DIY pedicure is a small shift. A nap is a good small shift.

Let’s talk medium!

A haircut is a good medium shift. For me. Your mileage may vary. I don’t do this very often.

What else is a medium shift?

What about XS and XL, and maybe sizes beyond these in terms of shifts

What can I name, invoke, wish for, identify that is a type of shift in a new category, and how can I move towards it with curiosity and excitement?

There is also something in here about a balm for anger, because focusing on SHIFTS is just that: focusing.

It is another way to focus my attention, my energy, my passion, my desire for things to move and change.

Desperately seeking shift

Every time I pause and enjoy my new life as someone who has indoor heating and isn’t constantly keeping tabs on three different space heaters and what times of day I can run them, I feel the benefits of SHIFT.

This is partly gratitude in my thank-you heart, and partly relief, and partly appreciation, and partly noticing the contrast between what is and what was.

Shift is palpable, noticeable, tangible, meaningful, delightful, and I am craving more of it.

Not everything can be a big shift, but there can be cumulative tiny shifts, or a couple good medium shifts.

Or like we said, we can break down a bigger shift into smaller elements, and see how many of those we can make progress on, while putting the bigger wish into the wishing cauldron…

What do I know about shift

If anger is a messenger, then shift is a balm.

It is both soothing and invigorating. It reminds me that hope is possible, that things can change, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, for the better.

Miracles are possible and simple elegant solutions are possible and good things are possible.

Shift can be internal and external. It can be a shift in thoughts or in mindset or in luck or in a situation; it can be a literal shift in the temperature of the room that leads to a difference in how I feel.

A shift in intensity

I know that the intensity of the anger I am feeling now at [current situations in my life] will not always be this intense; that too will shift.

I know that meeting my anger with love, attentiveness, spaciousness, generosity, understanding, patience, curiosity and a sense of play will also help shift both it and the situations. The work of boundary repair is also a form of shifting, right?

And prioritizing those boundaries is also a shift.

I am hoping that as my anger cools, my intensity will find other forms. Motivation, determination, fiery power, playfulness, hope, intention, commitment, a desire to thrive and to be a source of thriving…

And so I keep learning, about shift and about boundaries, about priorities and containers and fortifications and ritual and the ongoing experiments…

Welcoming shifts

A shift is also a period of time. Like a work shift.

Which means that a shift is a container in which something can happen. A shift as a catalyst for change in addition to the change itself.

And a shift can be a dress.

And a shift can be a small movement, like shifting your weight from one foot to another. That kind of slow, conscious, intentional transfer of weight is how we communicate in dance.

Shifting weight in order to clarify. Shifting ourselves into the new and more grounded reality.

That’s beautiful, right? I think so. I love the idea of slow-shifting slow-dancing our way into something new and better, with clear boundaries and a lot of care and self-treasuring.

Let’s welcome some good shifts. Let’s see what happens from there.

May it be so, or something even better

Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.

I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.

Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.