A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement on Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Not lost

Checking in

I have been having what my friend Darcy calls a Fussy Toddler Day for the past few days, and yes, the fussy toddler is me.

Obviously there is no shortage of contributing factors: the onslaught of depressing, upsetting, devastating and heartbreaking news, the general sluggishness of late winter into early spring, and who isn’t worrying over all the things to worry over. (Very reasonable to worry over the worrisome things!)

Also last night I made the compound error of not only consuming news but doing this before bed, and then had a long 3-5am Witching Hour of mini-panics and stirring the stew of all the things I am upset about.

You know how it goes.

Noticing

Pausing, noticing, naming. Making room.

Noticing the heaviness of the vibe, the heaviness in the air, the angst, the desire to fight everything, including myself. Making space for that. Tending and attending.

What does a fussy toddler want and need? Let’s start with steadiness, comfort, safety, boundaries, love, maybe a snack.

I also am a big fan of just agreeing with what is, even as I remind myself that I don’t have to agree to like it:

It’s okay that sometimes we are feeling the not-fun feelings, kiddo. You’re right, it’s no fun at all!

Not lost (literally)

Last week I thought I vacuumed up one of my favorite earrings, which is to say that I heard a metallic clinking sound when I was vacuuming, and then the earring was gone, but I didn’t find it in the vacuum.

I became convinced that it had been tossed into the trash and that I would have to go through three bags of trash, a task I was dreading and kept putting off.

But then later when I moved the rug while employing various delaying efforts, the earring was right there, under the rug, waiting for me.

No idea how it got there, very bizarre, but still, a beautiful miracle, a welcome miracle.

The problem of the missing earring solved itself. The problem of I have to go through all the trash but I don’t want to but it’s my favorite earring solved itself.

Delaying the unpleasant task was a great move, actually. Waiting it out doesn’t always work but sometimes it works.

It solves itself

I am a big fan of all forms of IT SOLVES ITSELF and putting various challenges into the imaginary cauldron of May It Solve Itself so that they can simmer and resolve.

Sometimes it solves itself by doing nothing (like with the earring).

Sometimes it solves itself as a result of setting a boundary, or re-establishing a boundary.

What else can solve and resolve itself this easily and simply?

What else has effortless solutions?

Or: What else has solutions that can be generated with small but meaningful efforting, and what can be solved with zero efforting and welcome miracles?

Possible things can happen (?)

Something small and very specific that I love about living in the state of New Mexico is that the wording on road signs here is very unique. I have a particularly favorite form of New Mexico signage / verbiage which goes like this:

Strong winds may exist here

The MAY EXIST HERE wording just hits me right in the I love New Mexico part of my heart.

Many things may exist here. Magic. Enchantment. Wild coincidence. Possibility. Ghosts.

A lot can happen. Things may exist here!

Similarly…

A friend sent me a youtube yoga video she likes, and the instructor said something about how it’s important to remember that Anything Is Possible.

And I immediately edited this in my head: Good things are possible.

Wonderful things are possible. Surprise simple elegant solutions are possible. Miracles are possible. Good endings are possible. Finding a missing favorite earring is (sometimes) possible.

Good things may exist here. Like the strong winds. Like the magic.

I don’t need to focus on how anything is possible, we already know about all the bad shit. It’s not that I want to dismiss it or forget it or pretend it isn’t there; it’s just not my focus right now when I am thinking about what is possible.

Similarly…

My dad used to always say that people who think things can’t get any worse or can’t get any better have very limited imagination.

Both of these are true. Where is my energy going in this moment?

It’s all possible. Let’s light a candle though for the simple elegant solutions, the beautiful boundaries, things working themselves out, fighting the good fight when that is what is needed, some good deus ex machina energy too.

Here’s to safety and sanctuary and inspired solutions

Here’s to safety and sanctuary in the form of TRANS RIGHTS NOW. Safety and sanctuary for everyone ICE is going after.

Safety and sanctuary in abundance.

Candles lit for whatever helps. Candles lit for inspired solutions.

Inspired solutions may exist here! They certainly might!

May they also be self-generating and self-sustaining. Or something even better.

Terms of endearment

This is a digression, but it’s on my mind because I am thinking about my dad, and also about being the adult for myself and calming my Fussy Toddler Self (it’s okay, kiddo).

My dad has Alzheimer’s and his vocabulary has changed a lot, partly because he forgets words he’s looking for, and partly because he’s just different now.

When I call, I always say my name and he knows who I am and is (mostly) happy to hear from me, and he will say something like, “it’s wonderful to talk to you, sweetheart”, and this is a term he has never used for me ever in my entire life.

And I wonder if the staff at his facility call him sweetheart, and so it has found a place in his mind as a term of endearment.

It was very jarring at first to hear something so unfamiliar, but now I kind of like it. It is sweet.

On the topic of sweetness and endearment (terms of)

My favorite way to refer to myself when I am talking to myself is to use the Arabic, Ya Helwa, which is like hey sweetie, or lovely, or a hottie, depending.

The word helwa itself is marvelously multi-purpose. It means SWEET and DESSERT and CANDY, and also refers to the specific nostalgia-laden treat of my childhood (halva) made from sesame and sugar that melts in your mouth.

I really like that addressing someone as Ya Helwa in Levantine Arabic is meant more like “hey beautiful”.

But also on some level it is like “baby you are dessert” and in that way it is also a bit like the SWEET part of Sweetheart.

It’s so affectionate and loving and warm and, yes, sweet.

And so when I am encouraging myself (come on, babe, let’s do this, one step and another step), I like to add in some extra sweetness.

Can we add some sweetness

Can we add sweetness for the sake of sweetness and also as a form of hope, into the wishing pot?

For example, sweetness for a fussy toddler.

Sweetness as energy. Sweetness as comfort. Sweetness as endearment.

Sweetness like how one of my first yoga teachers would say “reach until it feels sweet”, but also sweetness like how a teacher I took class from last week said, “Don’t push past sweet discomfort…”

Sweetness like affection focused towards my own heart.

Sweetness like patience. Sweetness like solutions, self-generating. Sweetness in action. Sweetness in presence.

Can this solve itself sweetly?

And if not, can this solve itself however it needs to be solved…

I have a friend who goes through episodes of whooshing out of reality and into paranoia, and when this happens, they can’t apply common sense to make their way back to reality, as much as I wish they could.

Maybe because, as my therapist aunt likes to say, common sense is left brain activity, and you can’t access that from trauma response.

And even as I wish to meet my friend with as much sweetness as possible, I also know that for me it does not feel safe to spend time with someone who is not in shared reality, and so I need to be beautifully boundaried and protect my peace.

Into the cauldron of IT SOLVES ITSELF.

Into the cauldron, may it solve itself

May it solve itself with sweetness, may it solve itself with beautiful glowing boundaries, may it solve itself with the gift of time, may it solve itself with grace, may it solve itself with medication and professional help, and so on.

May it solve itself like the earring suddenly reappearing: hey, there it is, grounded reality. How sweet, it was right there all along.

Not lost at all. Not untethered, not spinning off into stories. Right here, where we were all along.

Regardless, whether this happens or doesn’t, I am loving my friend from afar, and creating so much extra sanctuary space for myself, and for my actual toddler self who was raised by a paranoid delusional who is now all sweetness.

Sweetness comes all the way around

Sweetness comes all the way around.

Many good things are possible. What is needed? What is possible (more than I think, for sure).

And what will help?

Meeting myself (again and again, right here, right now)

Can I meet myself with warmth, sweetness, affection, spaciousness and a willingness to glow sanctuary space for myself?

Can I meet the world when I am ready from this place of courageous, steady, clear, compassionate-with-myself, beautifully boundaried? Maybe!

In the meantime, sweetness, curiosity, naming what is, tending to what is, noticing.

Let’s start there.

May it be so, or something even better

Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.

I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.

Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.