We talk a lot here about how scary it can be to be seen.
Also about the longing to be seen — seen by certain people. To be acknowledged for what you have done or who you are.
The safety of not being found versus the desire to be found.
I’ve written about when you don’t want anyone to look at you.
And ohmygod what if they actually read something you wrote? About sneaking around the whole vulnerability thing.
And about reclaiming the power of being invisible.
The wanting. And the not wanting. The hiding and the seeking.
All of it. It’s not easy.
Especially online. Quadruple-especially if you want to (gasp!) make money, and you need your right people to find you.
Just like with anything we work on, there are steps you can take “in the soft” (symbolic, under-the-surface, inside stuff), and then there’s everything that happens “in the hard”. The practical, tangible, real life stuff.
Today is about three things you might want to try in the hard. Three hacks.
Three ways to have a symbolic online invisibility cloak that still lets you be accessible to the people you want in, without necessarily showing yourself to the rest of the world.
Invisibility Hack #1: The super-secret hidden services page.
The situation:
You have a thing you want to offer but you’re not ready to tell the whole world all about it.
Maybe you’re not sure how it relates to the other things you do right now, or to the types of things you want to blog about.
Maybe you’re not sure if it’s something that anyone would ever want ever. Or you just feel self-conscious.
What you do:
So you make a private page. You can even password-protect it if you like.
Then when someone emails you saying ohmygod I wish you could help me with that one thing, you can tell them that actually you do but it’s a private thing and please don’t tell anyone.
Or you send a little note to a few trusted people, and tell them to please only pass it on to people who are awesome.
And, of course, you can tell me here, and if I know someone who might be a right person for your thing, I can sneakily send them there.
Why it’s brilliant.
A number of my clients have done this, on my advice. With terrific results.
Everyone likes going to a secret page and feeling special. And you get to skip the energy suck of dealing with “leads” and “following up” with random people.
Plus you feel safe in your invisibility cloak. And it’s that safety that (paradoxically) allows you to expand into being biggified.
Invisibility Hack #2: Comment zen and the comment moderation tag-team.
The situation:
You write stuff but don’t publish it.
Or you publish it, but secretly.
Or you publish it, but you live in debilitating anxiety because you know that all it will take is one mean comment to stifle your creative fabulousness for years. If not forever.
What you do:
Two things.
First: you write a very clear request that goes at the end of every single post, stating exactly what you want, and — more importantly — what you don’t want.
Like this:
“This writing is part of my practice of expressing myself creatively. This is something that’s hard for me and requires love, patience and compassion.
“What I really appreciate: being acknowledged (and maybe even cheered on) for being in the process. I like it when you say yay, you!
“What I can’t deal with right now: any form of critique. I’m not interested in knowing about how I can do better or what I’ve misspelled. Maybe later on. But right now this is about me and my process. Thanks!”
Second: you find someone (maybe here) who also has a blog. You set up comment moderation so that comments-to-be-approved go to his email, and his comments come to you.
That way neither of you ever has to see anything potentially depressing.
Why it’s brilliant.
Clear boundaries make everyone happy.
Also, it’s way easier to delete someone else’s well-meaning hurled shoes.
What ultimately happens is that, by creating safety for yourself, you have more room to begin to deconstruct whatever internal barricades are keeping your creativity and you-ness trapped.
Invisibility Hack #3: Hiding your name.
The situation:
You’re launching a site for your new thing but holy crap you’re going to be findable on Google.
What if that creepy guy starts hanging out there? Or what if your parents or former co-workers find it and then start criticizing your tiny, sweet thing before it’s ready for that kind of attention?
What you do:
Activate ninja costume!
Put your name as an image in the header.
And nowhere else.
So while your site might announce your name in large letters at the top, it’s not google-able, because it’s hidden inside of an image.
Set up your posts to publish as “By [your first name only], and just use your first name everywhere else. Or a nickname, if — like me — your first name is ridiculously unusual.
Or by your DBA. Like, I could just be Havi from The Fluent Self. Or that one chick with the duck.
Why it’s brilliant.
You’re out there. You’re biggifying it up.
People actively looking for the stuff you talk about can find you. But any not-right people looking for stuff about you won’t get anywhere.
So there’s a sense of sanctuary.
And then, once you’re biggified and you realize you’re cool with being found under your name, lift the veil and start using your name everywhere.
The relationship between the hard and the soft.
All these hacks are things you can do in the hard to make room to start feeling comfortable. To make space for yourself.
The stuff you do in the soft is where you untangle stuckified patterns. It’s where you unravel what isn’t working and replace it with something better.
We all need both.
Working on my stuff helps me make practical changes in real life, which then get reinforced by doing more wacky transformational stuff to back up what I’ve done in the hard.
Doing things in the soft makes everything in the hard work insanely better. And, luckily, since this whole thing is an ongoing process, we get to play with it over time.
Earning your invisibility cloak. Spending some time working on this.
I so wish the how of shifting things in the soft was more readily transmittable by blog post. Because once stuff moves in the soft, it’s a lot easier to translate that into changes in the hard.
However, Selma and I will be devoting an entire day to destuckifying your visibility-invisibility thing in the soft during our three-day Camp Biggification: Earn Your Invisibility Cloak retreat-thing.
And then we’ll figure out what your next steps are in the hard and get you a plan. But one you’ll actually use because we’ve taken care of stuff in the soft like:
- ninja invisibility training (and how to turn it on and off at will)
- how to get in front of the people who do need to see you without feeling like an ass
- shining your light in non-cheesy ways and without feeling vulnerable and terrified
- secret veils, magic cloaks, pirate tricks
That’s all I have to say about that. There’s a lot more here if you’re interested.
And … comment zen for today.
We all have stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
And our stuff takes different forms for different people at different times. Because people vary.
We give each other room. We don’t give advice but it’s cool to share something that has worked for you in the past or something you’re currently playing with.
And we blow kisses at the Beloved Lurkers. Hiding is totally allowed here. 🙂
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Ooh, I love these! Only, too late. :/ I just started a new blog and my domain name is my name. Distressingly google friendly.
Only it’s not my real name, it’s my internet name. Which means at least the people I knew when I was under 18 and don’t care about now can’t find me. That’s something. Actually, that’s a big thing.
Camp Biggification sounds super awesome. Wrong continent for me, but super awesome. Have fun you lucky people!
Popping out of hiding just to say that @Willie, your blog is the cutest thing EVER! I’m enjoying it. I see you!
.-= Dawn´s last post … Trying Too Hard =-.
Camp Biggification sounds like such fun! I love the playfulness that permeates all of your work, Havi. It’s what makes everything you do so creatively powerful.
Yay for transformation in the soft and the hard. And hooray for Invisibility Cloaks, and all the ways in which they allow us to feel safe enough to step into the world with the Thing we’re each here to do.
Kazoo!
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Money, Heart and Soul: An Interview with Mark Silver =-.
I’ve gone completely cloak and dagger lately after a creepy stalker who I thought I had shaken off after 8 years of harassment popped up again 10 years later, just as creepy as ever, and found me on Facebook and so discovered my married surname.
Sigh!
I’ve been writing a blog for years in my own name that I felt I had to pull the plug on (for the safety of my children – creepy stalker guy is potentially dangerous) and have gone underground, with a pseudonym that suits me more than my real name does anyway (at least that’s what I’m telling myself).
Some days I like my ninja invisibility suit, and some days I don’t. It’s been challenging, but I don’t want to completely disappear off the internet, so it’s what I’m going to have to embrace.
And I’m very grateful he doesn’t know where I live.
.-= wildish woman´s last post … Win a new bedroom for a friend by exposing their old one =-.
I love the way you nail things without actually using a hammer or nails…so it’s nonvoilent. Nonviolent is important to me on all levels. Loud noises scare me…much to my own embarrassment.
After working on a lot of my inner stuff and a very cool Sound Session with the Fabulous Fabeku I’ve gained some clarity about ‘my thing’. I’m secretly working on it while distracting folks at my blog by writing about all the wonderful folks on line are helping me…many of them without even knowing it. Which makes me feel like some sort of brain sucker who feeds then moves to the next blog/site.
All that to say that yeah, I found my thing. I never really lost it, I’d just buried it in a safe place to keep it safe from everything you talk about here and in your Blogger Therapy. It’s better this way and the mantra has become: I’m just playing right now that’s all. If I don’t do it this way I’ll be too terrified to do anything at all by all the monsters and fears that paralyze me. I need invisibility – even sometimes from my self…you know, the one that isn’t freaked out all the time; the one that’s awesome and dances on tables and stuff with lampshades on her head. (which totally works after enough Fireballs shooters)
So yeah, invisibility powers noted! Thanks!
I’ve stumbled here from Chris Guillebeau and I’m so glad I did. Just Monday I was fighting (and losing) my ancient battle with this issue, typically feeling like a loser over my inadequacies and feeling vulnerable. Sometimes it just feels like whatever I write gets lost, so then I wish I was invisible. . .and then I wonder (like a sick person) why I even write in the first place.
I love your first hack as it does allow you to keep some things secret or special. Thanks for writing in a special way. I can’t wait to read more.
.-= Carl Creasman´s last post … Debt is not the way forward =-.
Havi, these are awesome.
I rarely allow myself to be sensitive to my weaknesses. And sometimes that bites me in the butt. Ouch!
Thanks for reminding me that I don’t have to be 100% out there all of the time. I can peek my head out just a bit and whisper to some nice people: hey, come here; I’ve got something cool to show you.
.-= Eric Normand´s last post … Travel planning trouble . . . =-.
Havi, I love how your practical real world tips (the hard) get me to think about the soft. Because otherwise I would sort of ignore it.
Anyhoo…
::deep breath:: I have a brand new baby thing. It’s my Big Thing. That Thing I Do. All in one class. Which starts May 23rd. Joy! Terror!
Until right this minute, I’ve only told a few Twitter friends — people I knew would cheer me on. And they did, YAY.
You lovely people are my next brave step — because I know you will also cheer me on. 🙂 Clicking on my name will take you my Joy of Organizing Photos site, where you can sign up for a free email class that covers all the basics of the full class. “Lose the dreck, find the joy!” is the motto.
P.S. OK I’m gonna be honest and say that it’s still scary to tell you guys. But I’m doing it anyway, dammit!
Ha! My “hire me” page was literally titled “The Super-Secret Hire The Communicatrix Page” and I lurved it. I changed it when I went on Self-Imposed Hiatus–well, took off the hiring text and put up an alert that I was unavailable.
You have given me a mad-genius, baby-step-back idea though. Thank you!
Everybody else, go to the camp and git you a cloak! Invisibility rules, especially for the highly visible!
.-= Colleen Wainwright´s last post … Book review: The Talent Code =-.
Oh! Oh! I used to have an invisibility cloak! I had a whole anonymity quirky thing going on, even my portrait was of a bag over my head. And I diagnosed myself with the dread-disease, Privacticus Neuroticus and actually got sympathy for it!
Then I decided to be more relate-able, adopted this formal not-quite-my-name pseudonym, put an actual picture up, and…. something changed.
Oh, the family still can’t find me on the web, as my sister-in-law–with-the-shoe-collection constantly complains (reinforcing the wisdom of my choices) but I feel the difference.
I want to be more invisible again.
Unfortunately I can’t join you at the playground to work on it this time. But I think that Privaticus Neuroticus may just work it’s way into my new catalog of Things!
Invisibilty Powers, ACTIVATE!
.-= Tori Deaux´s last post … A Trip To The Circus, Courtesy of Mighty Metaphor Mouse! =-.
Genius ideas!! Wow, I have a lot to think about. Thanks!!
.-= Sherron´s last post … May I introduce Her Majesty, Katherine the Great! =-.
This post is so incredibly helpful! I have major issues with visibility, and these hacks are just the ticket to help. *yay!*
I found a neat looking tiara the other night and thought of you when I bought it. I have my own sovereignty tiara, and it makes me happy to look at it. Even more so to wear it.
Thanks for all you (and Selma) do!
Mm-hmm. Next stop on my website development is to learn how to create hidden pages. Especially for an idea that’s been kicking around for awhile and is ready for select input; guess that page will be password protected for a while.
Crossing fingers that the Camp Biggification becomes a repeat event so I can attend it someday–it sounds so awesome!
.-= Christine Myers´s last post … My Body is the Vatican =-.
I’ve been publishing under this name for ages (ten years this Friday!), and still love it when I read pieces like this.
Because it totally works.
.-= Graveyard Greg´s last post … Dungeons & Denizens =-.
Brilliant! And so helpful. Thank you Havi.
I’m feeling my way through these issues right now — identity, being seen and by whom, and the wanting and not wanting of it. I have so many selves, (maybe s’elves? or shelves?): corporate, student, teacher, writer, etc.
I’ve JUST taken the step, dipping a toe!, into having a Place Online where I can speak about what I do. (hi everyone. . . *blush*)
One question I have for this crowd, especially b/c stalkers have been mentioned (they’re really out there! yikes!): am I taking an un-wise risk by including info about how to find me in the real world? I have my class info posted (time & location), and am starting a bodywork practice (away from my home).
Maybe it’s not a big dea. . . but maybe it is. I welcome your thoughts.
.-= Kim´s last post … Feet on the Ground, Heart in the Sky. =-.
Havi, I love, love, love the idea of a secret page to send people to when you’re not quite ready to launch just yet. I’m going to get on that this week. No sense standing in your own way, right?
.-= Katy´s last post … What Do You Do All Day? =-.
@Kim – good question. If you want to be on the more careful side, you can give people the exact location only after they’ve signed up. Which is kind of good business sense too because it encourages people to commit. On the other hand, if drop-ins are a big part of your work, then maybe not.
When I started this site in August 2005, I posted everything about my classes and never had issues. At this point, with weird internet fame, etc, I’m a lot more cautious about all sorts of things.
Yay you for beginning.
@Misty – sovereignty tiara! Nice!
@Tori – I adore you. That is all.
@Colleen – MWAH!
@Sally – oh good I am super happy to hear that you’re whispering the news of your tiny, sweet thing. Excellent. Everyone, Sally is the bomb. Do whatever she tells you.
@Carl – me too. What a perfect way to put it. The struggle and then the discomfort and then the wondering what the point is. Yes. Exactly.
@wildish woman – oh god, what a horrible, terrifying thing to go through. That has to feel so uncomfortable in so many ways. I’m really sorry. Totally unfair and awful. Wishing you security in every possible form imaginable, and sending invisible flowers.
@willie – your blog is so sweet. I love it. And yes, internet names = good.
hugs all around
Havi, these are brilliant! And I’m bookmarking this as my ‘link to give to any business owners who receive hexagram 36’.
Explainy bit… Hexagram 36 is ‘Brightness Hiding’: the light is there, but it’s well-hidden under the earth. And the ancient story behind this one is of poor old Prince Ji, who was pretty much the last sane and lucid person at the thoroughly corrupt and nasty Shang court.
The day came when the king and all his hangers-on were – literally – too drunk to know what day it was, and so they sent messengers round to ask Ji. Ji, realising that being the only person to know could be seriously bad for his health, pretended to be mad – and kept this up for years.
One thing that emerges from all this… when you hide, you don’t need to adapt, fit in and get everyone to like you. The light can still be there, clear and distinct, without shining at everyone. There is a hidden possibility of release and untying of knots.
The next hexagram in the Sequence still has the same light on the inside, but instead of the earth covering it over, there’s wood – like a roof over a hearth fire. Hexagram 37: People in the Home 🙂 .
Secret Services Page! Yes!
One thing I like about your hacks, Havi, is that because they come often *from* The Soft, they are not empty, somehow. They carry a space. Like, they aren’t workarounds or sticking plasters, they are steps on the way. Seems to me that they resonate with a future possible-solution, making change more likely rather than less.
Whilst being totally workable in The Hard, they are secretly symbolic changes in The Soft too.
This. This is very sneaky. And lovely. And smart.
But sneaky.
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last post … How to present like Hans Rosling =-.
dear Havi,
with all due respect & liking – why would you call people who read your stuff “lurkers”? Just how many comments of the “omg hillarious” type would you like to see here? – aren`t people who come by, read, pause, breathe,go elsewhere and do their thing just what every Writer should wish for?
@Hilary – Neat! I absolutely love the story/concept/everything of Brightness Hiding. Fascinating.
@Andrew – yes about carrying a space and being a step to something new instead of a bandaid. You completely got the essence (and the applications) of all the stuff not being said. Ha. Now I don’t have to write a follow-up post. kiss
@raya – actually, “lurker” isn’t my word. Sorry. The mostly complete list of words I’ve made up is here.
“Lurker” is an internet word that people use. Like “spam” or “troll”.
My only contribution is capitalizing it, which I think adds a wink to a word that I personally find kind of weird, something you apparently agree with.
Luckily, as people who use words we have the power to invent our own vocabulary. It may not rid blog-speak of words already in existence (including words like “blog-speak”), but it gives us room to play.
One of the joys of having a space of your own to post stuff online is the way you can whisper hello to the people you can’t actually see, and acknowledge their presence.
It doesn’t mean they need to acknowledge back. It’s more a way of saying “I recognize you.” A namaste of sorts. Which is part of what writing is, or becomes, when it moves out of the realm of the scribbled notebook and into a space where it can be seen.
Hello Havi!
I first found your blog about a month ago and I’ve been avidly lurking ever since. I just had to comment now because I’ve been naturally using Hack No. 3 ever since I started my blog and later my Etsy shop. It seemed like an elementary part of what I do and how I do it, right from the start. Gosh, if people ever found out who I really am, they’d realise that I’m boring and ordinary and just not good enough! Lately I’ve been trying to turn that around and see my other identity as my creative side, my ninja-kitty, spy-girl persona. It’s fun! I changed the name of my blog and am in the process of changing the way I think as well. I’m so glad that you share the process you are going through and acknowledge how hard it can be. It makes me feel less alone. Please, please keep on doing what you’re doing!
Hi Havi,
It’s funny that I’ve been thinking about biggifying and then I found your blog yesterday. And I feel so loved being called a ‘Beloved Lurker’ and being given permission to hide that I just *had* to leave a comment. 🙂
I’ve been slowly coming out of hiding on my own blog — from using just my first initial to recently using my whole first name *and* posting a picture of myself with my entire head attached. Previously I only posted pictures from the nose down. And the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about putting up my full name, first and last. Hmm. I’m having trouble breathing just typing about it here, haha! Let me inhale and exhale some air, calm my pounding heart, and I’m sure within a week or two my full name will be up there. Thanks for giving me the space here to write this out and notify the Universe of my goal.
Namaste back at ya 🙂
.-= Elisa´s last post … Fantasy Gary Becomes Real Life Gary =-.