For some reason we’ve been covering meditation-related stuff kind of a lot lately, what with the whole discussion on how to dump some of the meditation-related shoulds as well as my wacky tales of conversations with blocks.
So I bet lots of people have this question. Or a question that’s kinda related to this question.
And even if you don’t, maybe there’s something in this one for you anyway.
Man, I hope so.
The question:
“I’m hopefully not the first one to ask this:
How does one achieve a meditative state while sobbing like mad? I can’t seem to make it work…
Of course I haven’t tried any meditation without one of your helpful MP3s ’cause I’m not yet ready. Help when you have a second?
Thanks so much. Hugs to you, Selma, and your gentleman friend.”
Wow. Hard.
Well … the short answer is: you don’t.
Believe me, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. And it’s not fun.
It’s hard being in the stuck. And sometimes when you have a lot of sadness and pain to process, they demand a lot of your attention and time. Because they really, really want you to notice them.
And it can feel as though you’ll never be able to get a little peace.
Ironically (ow ow ow, it hurts), it’s the giving them attention part that helps them get quieter.
But the best way to give them attention is usually through some sort of meditative state and aaaaaaarrrgh, usually they’re so loud that you can’t get there.
So what ends up happening is that you can’t give them that attention even if you want to, which — if you’re even slightly like me — you probably don’t.
Oh, sweetie. I wish I had a perfect, magic solution for you. But all I can do is tell you what I do in this situation. So …
What I do when I’m sobbing like mad and can’t achieve any sort of meditative anything.
Let’s see. I generally do one (or more) of the following seven things.
You might like to try them in a different order, of course. No need to stick to the way they happened to come out of my brain this particular time.
And there’s definitely no need to limit yourself to my (or anyone else’s) limitations. 🙂
You’ll see how it goes. Should you find that one of these things tends to work especially well for you, go ahead and bump that one up to the top of your list.
Okay. Here’s what I’ve got.
1. Allowing yourself to be miserable.
I pretty much give myself permission to be sad/furious/miserable or whatever it is I’m feeling. Maybe I even give myself fifteen minutes to run around the house kicking walls and throwing things and wailing, or to just collapse in a puddle on the floor.
And I keep telling myself “I’m allowed to feel __________”.
Or — if I totally don’t believe that — I’ll say, “Even though I’m still feeling _______ and I don’t want to be, this happens to be where I am right now so what the hell, I’m just going to let myself be there and remind myself that it’s not going to be like this forever.”
Rinse. Repeat.
2. A quick dose of calm.
If #1 doesn’t work, I will absolutely take ten minutes to listen to one of the Emergency Calming Technique audios. Or the Non-Sucky Yoga recording, which I know you also have.
Yes, I listen to my own audio recordings. That seems kind of insane, even to me. But they pretty much always do the trick.
Absolute worst case scenario? They’ll make you feel better equipped to deal with this, and you’ll be able to brainstorm possible solutions of your own and to feel less miserable about your options.
And no, it’s not cheating to listen to a recording. If that’s what helps get you there, go with that. The goal isn’t some idealized Tibetan cave meditation situation. It’s about opening a tiny door into a space that’s yours.
3. Systematic flailing and whirring of neural connections.
If #2 doesn’t work I do some Dance of Shiva.
Usually the frenetic whirling around of limbs and resulting state of chaos and confusion shuts down my brain long enough for me to be able to sit quietly.
Dance of Shiva is by far the best preparing-oneself-for-meditation technique that I know.
I’ve used it with people in intense grief situations who were absolutely incapable of even closing their eyes without bursting into tears, and they were able to achieve several minutes of sitting quietly, which is a huge relief when you’re under that kind of strain.
Plus it will give you big, crazy insights into whatever patterns are behind this thing to begin with.
4. Permission not to meditate: granted.
If #3 doesn’t work I give myself permission to skip meditation entirely.
I remind myself that this situation is temporary, and that apparently what my body and mind need most right now is comfort and attention that is best received in a way that’s not meditating.
And then I crawl under a huge pile of blankets and put one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly and pay attention to the rhythm of my breathing.
This is not “Oh fine, I’ll go back to bed.” Because that can end up triggering all sorts of (completely legitimate) fears about getting lost in the depression and the stuck.
It’s a conscious, active “I am intentionally giving myself this time and space to be with myself and my body so I can practice receiving comfort.”
Fifteen minutes or so works well to get you into a softly meditative state. After which you might even find that hey, you actually feel like meditating now.
OR that you’re not judging yourself for the fact that you can’t. Which is also great.
5. Sing! Sing! Sing!
If #4 doesn’t work I sing. Sometimes really softly and sometimes at the top of my lungs.
Generally speaking, it’s helpful to have a mantra or something meaningful to you, but really any song that doesn’t make you sad will work. A short song that you can put on repeat is also good.
Sometimes I’ll sit with prayer beads and link one word of my song to each bead, which will really focus my attention.
Other times I just make up my own little sad song about everything I’m thinking about and just let it go through me until it’s done.
6. Acupressure magic.
If #5 doesn’t work, I make my gentleman friend do acupressure tapping on various points on my face.
I gave some especially useful and unconventional points in the Emergency Calming Techniques package, so you probably already have some favorites.
Here’s a PDF version of some more standard points. It’s not my favorite acupressure method in the world, but it will totally work for these purposes.
7. Ask yourself what you need.
Thankfully I’ve never experienced a situation where one of the above six things didn’t shift something for me, but if this should ever happen, here’s what I’d recommend for you:
Don’t force the meditation. Or the concept of it. Because it’s sooooo depressing when the thing that’s supposed to help you becomes a should.
Instead, see if you can maybe shift your focus to “what are some of the things I could do to meet myself where I am right now … so that I can achieve a little distance from this pain while still being close to myself?”*
*Or whatever less-cheesy version of that works for you.
Hope that helps!
As an ex of mind used to say, “patience is a virtue but being virtuous kind of sucks…”
Right? It’s hard when you really want something to be happening now and it’s not. I know it.
Selma and I are wishing you (and everyone else who reads this) support and comfort and lots of everything you need … all the time, but especially when you need it. Keep us posted.
Follow
Wow. Those are some good suggestions. Even if you’re not sobbing like mad. I do a lot of them sometimes.
Recently, I realized that I was just very sad and upset and avoiding feeling those emotions and all that went with it. I lay down in my bed and just allowed myself to be with the emotions, without fixing them or analyzing them or making myself wrong. Realized i was also resentful.
I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that shortly after this experience, my creativity took a huge leap. I think when you try to cover up your bad emotions, you also cover up the good ones. This is not the point of your post, but was a realization I had.
I’d like to second the “Allowing yourself to be miserable” one. I don’t know about America, but certainly in the UK one of the most common reactions I see and hear to somebody crying is for the witness to say “Don’t cry.” I heard that only last week. It was said in the softest voice, the most caring tone, but it still shocked me that what that caring husband was saying to his wife (not me or mine I hasten to add) was “Please don’t express your distress in this way (because I am finding it distressing too).” Deep societal pattern over here….
Emma Newmans last blog post.."Realistic dialogue?!" she shrieked. "Heavens no! Kindly abandon such a hazardous suggestion, immediately!"
I’ll third “allowing yourself to be miserable.” Maybe you could call it “sobbing like mad meditation.” Suzuki Roshi would say if you’re sobbing, just sob.
Emma, I have to watch that tendency with my little boy. I really want to say “don’t cry,” but I try not to. I usually go with something more like, “you sound like you’re really sad” or “I know, that’s really frustrating” instead. Or sometimes just “I know” while patting his back.
I really like Havi’s “Even though” phrases, those have helped me enormously.
Sonia Simones last blog post..SlowBlogging
The idea of sobbing meditation really, really appeals. If that’s where you are, that’s where you are, after all.
How curiously appropriate too, that this should pop up today.
Joely Blacks last blog post..The littlest voices that speak
Wow, I’m glad my block wasn’t as big of a dick as some people’s blocks are. Some harsh blocks out there.
P.S: Really irritated now that CommentLuv won’t show my latest post… about my block. It would be so appropriate.
Johnny B. Truant (See? I’m embracing the B!)s last blog post..Unfortunately, pants
Wow @Emma as I was reading your comment, I saw a mother with her crying baby, frustrated that all her attempts at shushing it were failing.
Possibly the first instance when our bodies receive a different message than our heart.
“”Please don’t express your distress in this way (because I am finding it distressing too).” Deep societal pattern over here….”
Probably deeper than we realize.
My definition of meditation is evolving and is currently defined as “being with myself and my emotions of the present moment, in the present moment“.
Minervas last blog post..Our Privilege of Present Moments
This post reminded me that when I was little I used to make up songs all the time. I guess that’s part of the genius of children, isn’t it? Later, when these songs had to be “right” or worse yet I judged them because they weren’t “real” songs (and I had to listen to someone else’s song, which may or may not have related), I abandoned the technique.
I do the same thing with all my creative abilities. They’re there to “create” right? But I force them to conform (“You will be assimilated!”) and then they’re no longer creative. I’ve been doing the same thing with my blog lately (after reading your series on blog therapy) and getting things off my chest. It has actually been fun and people aren’t as weirded out as I expected.
So thank you for reintroducing me to that old part of myself.
Terry Heaths last blog post..My Point . . . And I Do Have One, Ellen
All the insights and suggestions are absolutely on spot. Appreciated!
@Emma, Minerva – I’ve noticed the “Don’t cry!” thing too. It’s the thing people say when they’re trying to be compassionate, but the message is “you must not express the feeling that you happen to be having at the moment!”
When I lived in Israel … the thing people say there when you’re upset is “It’s nothing. Nothing happened. It’s not a big deal.”
Which, when you’re Israeli, this works on you and calms you down. Sadly, I am Israeli enough for this to work on me too. But there is also now a part of me which rebels against this and says “Stop telling me nothing happened! Something DID happen – it’s why I’m crying!”
@Terry – That’s really beautiful. I have been enjoying your recent posts from the “now I’m allowed to say what I think” shift, and wow.
@Sonia – oh yes, I have to say that “even though” phrases changed everything for me. So much more helpful to allow the crappy and also make room for reframing it. Instead of just rushing in and trying to fix everything. Sigh.
And knowing what to say to kids?! Hard hard hard.
Guys, I’m loving the idea of a sobbing meditation. I kind of think we should just have a big group cry and then sit.
Actually, Havi, a lot of your stuff helps make it easier to know what to say to kids. Which might seem odd to you since you don’t have any. But it helps to just have some other ideas sometimes. Because even when you don’t like the dominant script if you don’t have another one, you are kind of at a loss.
On the sobbing front, I realize that I have been really lucky to have an English gentleman friend who didn’t tell me not to cry. I used to have really regular crying jags (every Sunday night for a few years) and he would just hold me and say that even though I didn’t even know why I was crying it was okay. And eventually it was. That also gives me good ideas for the kid thing. Since she is now 11 and thus coming into a phase of lots of inexplicable crying.
All this is really helpful.
JoVE, that is a very prime gentleman friend, IMO. Or any kind of friend, really.
Hi Dearheart,
I love this post. I mean, I love all your posts, but this one especially so. And I love the idea of a group sobbing meditation. We get so many messages about controlling our feelings, and how our feelings need to make logical, rational sense or that our feelings shouldn’t be what they are, and of course all of that makes us completely crazy!
I learned a long time ago that feelings have their own rationale and reason for being and just because they don’t always let the left brain in on the “what” and the “why” is no reason to try to make them stop!
When people come to my painting classes sometimes they will just start sobbing because they painted the color blue or painted an eyelash on a dog or for just about anything at all! And it is such a relief for them that they are allowed to just cry for “no reason.” It’s another way that we need to learn to trust the wisdom of our hearts and our bodies without forcing them to explain themselves. They have their reasons. But those reasons can only be felt, not always cognitively understood.
Thanks again for your wise and wonderful heart!
Love you bunches,
Chris
chris zydels last blog post..STAYING CREATIVELY ALIVE: KEEPING YOUR EYES OPEN, YOUR JUICES FLOWING AND YOUR SHADOW GREASING THE WHEELS
I love these suggestions. When we stop trying to force ourselves to do what we hate and give ourselves options we let our feelings make the best choice.
Thanks for this post. Needed it today!
Karl Staib – Work Happy Nows last blog post..The Necessity of Giving Gratitude at Work