Alright, we have an anonymous query in today’s Ask Havi:
“Can I just say that your advice is terrific? It helps me think in a whole new way.
“I was reading the “Is This You?” section, and the “You Have a Vision” description struck me. Because I don’t. I’m not the person you describe who can’t decide if she wants to be a kindergarten teacher or a poet, but really, nothing gets me out of bed in the morning except obligation.
“I hate what I do, but I have no secret desire to do some specific other thing. I can’t keep living this way. I know that this isn’t what you work on (is it?), but can you recommend any resources?
“If for some reason you decide to publish this query in your blog, please make it anonymous. Many thanks.”
Four thank-yous and a quick clarification.
First of all, I want to thank our anonymous question-asker, because this is a very important question.
Also because he or she is following the latest trend in Ask Havi queries which is prefacing them with kind and flattering words. Totally gets your questions answered faster. 🙂
And also because I think this is something a lot of people deal with, but not a lot of people ask.
Oh, and also because a lot of times people contact me because they want to hire me to help them work on their stuff and resolve their problem patterns, and then it turns out pretty quickly that they never read the “Is this you?” section and no, it’s not them.
Yay, you read the “Is this you?” section! I like you already.
Okay, back to the question.
So the question is — if I understand correctly — what do you do when you don’t know what you want to do, but you do know you need help so you can stop doing the thing you’re doing?
You’re also asking: Can Selma and I do this work even though we say we don’t and/or can I recommend people who do?
Yes.
It sounds like you’re feeling worried because you really need to move forward with making a change, and you’re wanting some reassurance that this can happen, and that you’ll find the right people to help you.
Well, the good news is that there are a ton of coaches who specialize in just this area — helping people figure out what their “thing” is.
I’m going to make three suggestions for people/resources that I personally feel comfortable recommending.
I also know that among the readers of this blog are several (at least!) life or career or creativity coaches who do this type of work too, so I invite them to chime in as well in the comments.
1. Figure out what your true gift is and how to make money with it.
Naomi Dunford is not just my friend, she’s also a total genius at figuring out what your gift is and how to actually support yourself with it. And I quote:
I currently offer one service: brainstorming. We can brainstorm about marketing your existing ittybiz, or we can brainstorm about ways to get you out of your lame ass day job, EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE NO SKILLS.
We will find your skills. And if we don’t, I’ll give you your money back immediately.
You get one hour, and it’s $150. If you are Elmo and want to sing at Jack’s birthday party, we are free.
Naomi is the bomb. That’s all I have to say about that.
2. Finding your purpose and leaving the cube.
The super-cool Pamela Slim of Escape from Cubicle Nation fame is also a friend (we met in a Michael Port course and hit it off, see why it’s important to take courses?) and this kind of thing is right up her alley.
She used to have a meditation CD that actually helped you figure that stuff out, and she might be available to hire despite her normally booked schedule, and I am 100% positive that at the very least she will both rock your world and have better suggestions / recommendations for this than I do.
3. A meditation on your purpose ….
Okay, this one I can’t vouch for personally — and I have to tell you in advance that the sales page is just kind of ew. Well, I’ll rephrase and say that she and I are at very different places on the sleaze-non-sleaze kosher marketing continuum.
But I have been told that this Find Your Soul Purpose meditation by Suzanne Falter Barnes is seriously great.
It’s also very, very affordable ($37, comes with a workbook). I’ve heard Suzanne speak and she’s sweet and funny and has a really great voice, so I’m sure it’s awesome.
In fact, tell you what … if you (my anonymous reader with the Ask Havi query) decide to get it and then you hate it, I’ll buy it off of you. How’s that?
3.5 Me? Well, here’s what you need to know.
Can I help you with this kind of thing? Sure. I can. I have before with great success. I try not to, though.
I guess it’s just that doing that part of the work doesn’t thrill me. What thrills me is when someone comes to me and says either:
“I know what I want to do but I don’t know how to get there!”
Or:
“I know what I want to do and I think I know how to get there, but I’m not DOING it because I’m stuck and overwhelmed and self-sabotaging like crazy.”
Both of those situations get me all fired up and I can’t wait to get going so we can start shifting things.
The figuring out what your thing is? Not so much. Am I good at it? Yeah, but it doesn’t put me in joyful mode.
And if I’m not in joyful mode, there’s not really much of a point. I used to feel bad about this until I realized that lots of people LOVE working on this exact process!
Moral of this little story: the best way to screw up doing what you love is to start doing the parts that you don’t love.
The writing on the wall?
I really do get how much it sucks to be in the situation you’re describing.
God knows I’ve had my share of awful jobs, but the two I hated most (executive assistant to the volatile CEO, and — immediately after that — working in a toy imports company run by the Moroccan mafia) were absolutely wake up in the morning and burst into tears kind of jobs.
At the time (recession and underemployment in Israel) I had only talked my way into these jobs (hi, I can touch-type in three languages, you need me) to get out of debt …
And was staying with my boyfriend for the same reason. My boyfriend and his mother. My boyfriend and his mother and her boyfriend and his three grown children and their girlfriends and a very, very jealous cat.
All in a tiny apartment. It was amazing of them to take me in, and I owe them crazy amounts of gratitude forever for doing so, and it was also hell.
The room I was staying in was tiny and cramped, and one of the mother’s boyfriend’s boys had written on the wall (in English, for some reason) in enormous, carefully drawn letters:
You Are What You Do.
You are what you do? You are what you do?!?!?!
You know what? That’s a bunch of crap.
What I did was get screamed at daily in front of thirty people for putting one drop of milk too many or too few in the CEO’s pint glass of decaf coffee.
What I did was three horrible jobs (executive assistant + company secretary + office manager) for the salary of one. Six days a week from eight to six.
What I did was watch all my talents and skills slowly deteriorate through underuse and underappreciation.
What I did was anything I could to preserve my sanity, counting the days until I could leave.
And seeing those depressing, miserable words every morning made every second of it that much worse.
My sincere wish for you.
My dear anonymous friend, I know that you will find your way to doing something that is full of love and meaning for you. But until you do, please know that you are so much more than what you do.
You are more than what you think, you are more than what you feel, you are more than what you know and you are certainly more than what you do.
Don’t let anyone or anything define you. Don’t let anyone or anything box you in.
Keep in mind that you have the power and the ability to work on your patterns, to shift your reactions, to heal some (or eventually all) of your pain, to interact with yourself in a conscious and compassionate way.
You have the right to ask for help and you have internal reserves of strength that can help get you where you need to go. Life is short. There are so many things you might be able to do and love … we’ll help you find one of them.
Please please please get back to me and let me know how things are going with the process.
I’ve made my recommendations. I know there are a bunch of life and creativity coaches and the like who read this blog, so if y’all want to mention yourselves or make other suggestions, please feel welcome to jump in here in the comments section — weigh in if you’re one of these people, or even if you aren’t.
Good luck. I hope you know that I’m totally on your team, cheering for you excitedly. In fact, I’m pretty sure we all are, right?
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It sounds like the person is possibly having depression issues. I’m not a doctor, but it may be more than just finding a job that s/he jumps out of bed ready to enjoy. She should seek professional counseling as well.
Besides medical issues it’s about taking small steps to see what interests her/him the most. If she’s not sure whether to be a kindergarten teacher or poet then talk to people in both professions. Start finding those threads that s/he can follow to make the picture clearer.
I truly believe when we let go of a large part of our own selfishness (always hold on to some selfishness) to be happy at work and we actually apply our talents to help others, that’s when true work happiness emerges. At every new job I was always looking to get out, never satisfied. It wasn’t until I took responsibility to make the best of the situation that my happiness blossomed. I believe work happiness is a 50/50 proposition. 50% employer and 50% employee. Understanding that we have choices opens many internal doors that block us from work that will fulfill us.
Havi, your life in the office sounded terrible. No one should be screamed at while they do their job. It looks like it forced you to become the great blogger and consultant that you are today. Thanks for another great post!
Karl – Work Happy Nows last blog post..Does Luck Play a Role at Your Job?
Hey folks,
A technique that I really like for finding what moves you is Steve Pavlina’s idea: Take a blank sheet of paper, write “What is my purpose in life?” at the top, then write down a bunch of random crap until you write down something that makes you cry. That’s your life purpose.
May each and every one of you find it. (:
-Pace
Paces last blog post..becoming an expert (part two)
Another thoughtful, rich and fabulous post, Havi.
And let me get this straight, did I just read that you gave a money-back guarantee for someone else’s product?! That might be one of the most amazingly generous things I’ve ever read on a blog.
Best of luck and hearty encouragement to your anonymous asker…
@Pace – Thanks for sharing that.
@Karl – It sounds like you’re really concerned for this person’s well-being, and that’s awesome. Very sweet of you.
Of course we all know about my boring official disclaimer, and of course you are absolutely right that talking to a trained counselor is pretty much always helpful … at the same time, I’m not sure I’d necessarily suggest what I think you’re suggesting.
It’s important to remember (since often people inside of the medical profession don’t) that depression isn’t always a “medical” issue — it’s very often a situational issue.
The first thing you want to find out is whether the symptoms are still around when you’re not in the horrible, depressing situation (such as being in a job you can’t stand).
Because it’s natural and normal to be down and unhappy when you’re doing something that has no meaning for you. That’s a sign that your instincts for LIFE are working.
What you said about understanding choice is very powerful … I think a lot of people will find that helpful. Well, frustrating and helpful, but totally helpful.
First and foremost, I have to gush about my love for you, Havi. You are full of such amazing wisdom and heart. I actually check my feed reader for your posts EVERY DAY and I’m thrilled when I see that a new post is there.
Now…I really like these Ask Havi posts. You answer someone else’s question and you always touch many other people in the process.
I’m one of those people with a case of both medical and situational depression. Now that I’ve got the right mix of medicines helping with the chemical side…I can totally see the rest and I’m able to focus on it and work toward a happier me. I think the distinction between the two is very important…
Thanks again!
@Sandie – That’s so great. Thanks for making that point that medical and situational depression can co-exist. Wonderful that you’re getting what you need on both sides.
And even better news …. just got an email from the person who asked the question to begin with saying how happy they are and looking forward to trying out all the suggestions. Hooray.
AND … while we’re suggesting things, I forgot to mention that Mark Silver does a brilliant exercise on discovering your Jewel — the unique quality of you-ness that you use in everything you do.
When I first heard about it, thought that it was going to be cheesy and lame. Boy was I ever wrong. Going through that exercise was INTENSE, and I’ve been working with the cool information that came from that ever since.
When I read the story of Anonymous, I started squirming in my seat because I wanted to dive right in and start helping this person! I agree completely that you are not what you do – sometimes what you love cannot earn the money you need to live (or want), so you need to do something else that allows you to do what you love in your downtime.
My favourite technique is to picture yourself in a happy state in the future and to describe what that looks like, especially since reading Daniel Gilbert’s Stumbling on Happiness because looking towards happiness in the future is actually more about what will make you happy in the present.
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndromes last blog post..Picking a Goal and Pursuing It: Harrison McLeod Interview
“And if I’m not in joyful mode, there’s not really much of a point. I used to feel bad about this until I realized that lots of people LOVE working on this exact process!
Moral of this little story: the best way to screw up doing what you love is to start doing the parts that you don’t love.”
Exactly. I am so happy that I have found at least one other person that believes this. So much of the unhappiness in this world is the result of people thinking that doing work you love is an unreasonable objective.
And then there are the people I work with who are usually in jobs where they have lots of autonomy and at least part of the work is work they love and they are not finding the time to do the parts they love AND telling themselves stories about how those parts are really about doing things they have to do for others. Which is where I come in.
JoVEs last blog post..other things going on
“You are what you do.”
Five of the worst words that can be strung together … and five easy words to believe.
One of the hardest lessons in my life involved moving past this (and some days, it’s still not easy).
Fight the good fight 🙂
I read, and have read, an enormous number of blogs. Havi, yours is one of the best on the planet. I sympathize with your anonymous reader and your suggestions are helpful for me too. Thank you.
When I was in a situation that sounds similar to the writer’s, what helped me was realizing that I was afraid to admit what I wanted. I believe we all know this in our heart-of-hearts, and sometimes we feel so hurt by life that we protect this information, even from ourselves, odd though that may sound!
One specific step that really helped me, was doing some aptitude testing (emphasis on ‘aptitude’ and contrasting from ‘interest’–I personally found interest assessments to have a really bad influence on my state of mind). The Johnson O’Connor group and also Rockport are two places that provide this.
Havi, your blog and approach in general are lovely and really useful, I am a new reader and loving every word of it.
Although…I have to disagree with you on one point.
“You are what you do”
I totally agree with the statement.
However, not in the terms that you disagree with it. We ARE what we do, in the terms of we are defined by the total of our ACTIONS, the way we speak, make tea, sew on buttons, cut vegetables, order our to do lists etc.
If we wish to be beautiful then all our actions must add up to being beautiful and we will fail to BE beautiful until we always DO beautiful.
We can create who we are in every moment…if only we choose to do so.
But
This doesnt mean that we are our JOB, although it is part of us, like everything else however, we can choose to be how we want in that situation.
Thank you for helping make life easier and adding positive stuff to my life.
Best regards
Neil
It’s so hard to be in the non-passionate place and i think a lot of people feel even worse being there because the self-help coach world can make it sound like if you aren’t blissed out 24/7, you’re missing out. i find doing what you love for work much, much more about adjusting my own attitude than anything i’m actually doing… although i only had a job 1/4 as bad as yours for the mad CEO… mad literary agent in LA… still gives me nightmares.
@Neil – That’s a really great point, and you’re right about the fact that in that sense, yes, we are what we do.
At the same time, I feel moved to point out that when you’re in the stuckness, sometimes knowing that — even if it is true, which it mayh be — is not necessarily always helpful. It could be, for some people, and it won’t be for a lot of people.
When I was in the situation I described, I also thought about that particular angle of the “you are what you do” thing. And had long talks about it with my yoga teacher. At that point in my life, I wasn’t able to receive comfort from that thought.
Even though I was sometimes able to say “yes, here I am smiling and this is also me being what I do, here I am breathing and this is also what I do …”, I knew I was still miserable, and not being able to apply this concept was just a source of yet more guilt and frustration.
When you get on a bus to go to work — and in Israel you don’t get on a bus without some part of your brain reminding you that this might be the last bus you ever take — and your first thought is “Well, if the bus explodes and I die, at least I won’t have to go to work!” and your second thought is “Well, if the bus explodes and I don’t die, at least I’ll be on disability and won’t have to go to work!” … that’s a sign that you need a bigger change than an attitude shift.
Because sometimes you’re in so deep that you can’t work the attitude shift, and if you think you should be able to, you just get more stuck, you know?
@Jen – Whoops, I missed that! Yes, yes, yes. That is a huge problem in the life-coach-ey community … this pressure to LOVE what you do and have it be 100% blissful every second of the time.
When in fact, even when your job is full of awesomeness, there are always going to be parts that are challenging or stuck or don’t work. And you’re always going to be working on how to make parts of it better or less horrible.
Sorry to hear about your awful job! Ugh to being a literary agent in LA and double-ugh to letting outside forces put pressure on us to be happy when sometimes what we need most is to acknowledge the UNhappy and spend a little time with it giving it attention and comfort.
That’s where I think Neil’s distinction is really sweet and beautiful (even if, as I said, not all of us are going to be ready for it in the moment) … because it’s about redirecting attention to the moments when it’s possible to choose some love, choose some comfort, choose some positive.
And when you’ve sat with the pain a little and you’re ready to receive some help, it’s so so wonderful to know that hey, it’s right there waiting for you.
Yes it’s all about being there first and then choosing… otherwise I end up feeling I’ve done violence to myself and I end up being very grumpy and negative. And that’s not pretty. 🙂
I realize I’m commenting on a post that is more than 6 months old. It’s a great post, though. I, too, had read the “is this you?” page and came to the same conclusion as your inquirer. It’s not quite me… yet.
I’m still figuring out my thing. In the meantime, I continue reading your site daily nodding in agreement, laughing, trying some of your techniques. I want to be a part of your programs and talk with the amazing people that seem to congregate here. Until I decide my purpose, I will humbly loiter in the background, feeling safe in the haven you have created.
Keep up the great work, Havi!
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