One of the things I’ve heard a lot of this year is how I (supposedly) have an unfair advantage by being kooky.*
Because, apparently, life is harder for non-kooky people.
The people who tell me this say things like:
“Come on. You have a duck. You’re a big weirdo who files things by chakras and is obsessed with roller derby and makes unforgivably dorky puns on Twitter.
“Of course you’re successful. Of course people pay attention to what you say. Because you’re a memorable freaking wackjob. Like Naomi. But vegetarian-er.
“But what about the rest of us who are not kooky and weird??????”
*Kooooooooooooooooky. Actually, I probably do have an unfair advantage, but it’s definitely not related to the kookiness.
Point one.
You do. not. have to. be kooky and weird.
It is not a requirement for anything. Outside of carnival work, maybe.
Point two.
Every time you’re doing your thing and being all yourself — out loud — your Right People are going to be drawn to that.
The being-yourself-ness of it all does not, in and of itself, have to be quirky, odd or remarkable.
It’s the act of you being all hellooooooo, this is me, baby. That’s what counts.
You don’t have to lift your t-shirt up and yell Spring Break! That part is completely optional.
Point three.
There are no boring people.
You are alive. There is something interesting about you. You just don’t know that it’s interesting because you’re too busy getting really, really excited about scones in a tube or feeding your pet kangaroo.
Point four.
But if there were? If you were the Most Boring Person That Ever Was? You could totally work that.
Because it would be the best brand ever.
And anyway, there’s nothing wrong with having laid-back and low-key as part of your thing.
You can even put those qualities on your dammit list.**
** I get to be a wallflower dammit. I’ll wear only beige if I want to dammit. I don’t have to go to networking events if I’d rather stay in bed dammit. Ha! So there.
Bring on the examples!
An example for point one (you don’t have to be kooky).
Robert Middleton. Amazon. The Small Business Association. There, three examples. All decidedly unkooky.
An example for point two (because it’s about being yourself out loud).
Okay. Mark Silver is a Sufi business coach who plays frisbee with Buddhists. What’s not to like?
An example for point three (and anyway there are no boring people).
You know who else thinks she’s not kooky and interesting?
Mahala.
Her Twitter bio says:
“Twenty years with brain injury has taught me: identify with love over limitation.”
Twenty years. With brain injury. And now she knows about identifying with love over limitation. So she’s teaching heart-meditation.
You’re intrigued, right? Of course you are!
Because hello, how is that not fascinating? Without knowing anything else about her, I was already one of her Right People just from that bio. Sold! Tell me more about your pet kangaroo.
An example for point four (but if there were, you could make the boring work for you, baby).
A year or so ago, through a series of excellent coincidences, I was eating crepes (crepes!) with Shannon.
We had a conversation that went kind of like this:
Shannon: There’s nothing to biggify about me because I’m boring. Boring boring life coach. Boring.
Me: Ohmygod. That’s a great angle. You should go with it.
Shannon: No, I’m serious.
Me: Right. So am I. You should brand yourself as That One Really Really Boring Life Coach. No, the Boring, Irrelevant Life Coach. I love it!
Shannon: ?!?!
Me: And all your material should be like, this will not be even slightly interesting, because I am a supremely dull human being, but we will completely fix your problems because life coaching works — even though it’s really boring. See? Like that.
Shannon: Yeah! You don’t get boringness and irrelevancy of this caliber for nothing.
Me: Right! You could print business cards that say, Bored yet? You should be.
Shannon: Ooh! And my logo could be someone yawning extravagantly. Tagline: ‘lulling people to sleep with my lack of personality since 1997!’
Here’s the thing. Shannon is a kick in the pants. I love her.
But you know how it is. She forgot that she’s a kick in the pants.
And my theory is that once she remembered (i.e. once she’d given herself permission to not have to be brilliant and kooky) she started putting more of herself into her business.
And then amazing things started to happen. She fired her internal critic (“that crazy bastard has been replaced!”) and hired her dead uncle to take his place.
And now she’s kicking ass.
What I think happens.
People get it in their heads that they have to be all interesting.
And the pressure to be interesting makes them freeze up.
So that they can’t recognize what’s interesting. Or remember that it exists. Or access it. Or trust it.
Or trust that it’s okay to get geekily excited about things. Or to never get excited about things.
Or to speak in your own voice***, whatever that is, and know that — for someone out there — what you have to say has strength and meaning. And power.
***This has its own scary. And we can get caught up in the fear of what if someone reads what I wrote and hey, I’m not an expert, and uh oh I don’t want to be vulnerable.
These are all legitimately scary things and I don’t at all mean to imply that they’re not.
Dude. Scones in a tube! Pet kangaroo!
Not everyone is going to get all enthused about the stuff that you care about.
But if you care about it and talk about it, your Right People will be all yes yes yes tell me more.
And it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks because ohmygod scones in a tube.
Comment zen:
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. You know how it is.
And all this biggification stuff is trigger-ey. So hugs all around for the hard.
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In addition to the kooky, I think wit is a really sensual (not in the sexy way) quality that pops out even through the computer screen.
Wit, I think, shows depth. And people appreciate a fun way of talking deep while being able to float on the surface if they prefer.
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last post … HouseCraft: Illuminate Your World from the Inside Out =-.
This awesome. Because as I’ve learned, it’s not just that we don’t have to be interesting, it’s that we don’t have to be someone else’s interesting… we have to find our own thing.
Also reminds me of another post I read, thought I bookmarked, and then lost, about how to make our weaknesses work for us. Those things we think are negative. Like your friend’s “boring”. I’m considering taking the angle of lazy shiatsu practitioner, because ‘m pretty sure there are a couple of folks out there who’d love to be healthier, but just don’t feel like doing anything about it. 🙂
.-= Gina´s last post … i’m too sexy for this post =-.
I’ve been writing a personal ad in my head for help with writing some zingy web copy, and this post is really coming through for me. That whole “laid-back and low-key” thing has been screwing with me, and all of these examples are hugely helpful ~ thank you!
.-= Briana´s last post … Then what? =-.
and yes being interesting and fascinating is incredibly hard work and tiring. I know this because I over developed my fascinating and interesting side as a way of getting people’s attention. Being an immigrant I worked really hard at enticing people my way. If you have the luxuary of being boring LUXURIATE IN IT.
Ps I want a baby wombat for christmas
http://www.cuteoverload.com/2009/10/23/this-just-in-a-baby-wombat-in-a-box/
.-= creativevoyage´s last post … hell… =-.
Oh I love this. And expecially Gina’s comment. It made me realize that I’ve been embracing my not-fitting-in-ness for a while.
Like when I used to be a university prof and I developed the pedagogy of laziness (go for the lazy shiatsu thing, Gina, it’ll be a hit).
Or my frequent forays into bad motherhood. (my kid is turning out fine)
This is just another piece of that sovereignty thing. Knowing who we are and accepting ourselves and then just being that person. Woo hoo.
.-= JoVE´s last post … Maybe sitting at your desk to work is the problem =-.
Love this. 🙂
I think it’s interesting how we sometimes project our inner thoughts or our “stuff” onto other people. I mean it like this: if we’re not accepting of our own kookinesss/weirdness, then we expect others not to be. And sometimes I think that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – like, if we apologize for our kookiness then others think our kookiness is something that has to be apologized for, and judge us accordingly.
Each of us is kooky in some way or another… even if our kookiness consists in not being kooky. Because that’s pretty kooky. 😀
I love that you’ve reminded everyone that their kookiness is them, and not something to shut away. Cheers, Havi.
.-= Charlotte´s last post … Why I’m Not Buying Any More Info Products. (or: How Merlin Mann changed my game.) =-.
I totally had a syntax failure on the bullet point “What I think happens” and put in a comma
“What I think, happens”
so totally different
and so totally cool.
I had a housebroken turkey once, does that count? 🙂
.-= Andi´s last post … Taking the Leap =-.
Havi, I love this post. Yes, for being whoever we are in any given moment! For real voices. Even if they’re more Oscar the Grouch than Monty Python. 🙂
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Of Dragons and Queens . . . =-.
Yes, yes, yes. I used to blog about anecdotes from my life in order to prove to myself that I was, in fact, interesting… and then I ran out of anecdotes that I found interesting.
So after a loooong hiatus, I started a March-Madness-style poll to get people to help me and C pick our wedding song.
Which was awesome.
And now I post whatever *I* find interesting, and it ended up making me an Item.
(…I still find myself at a loss for stories, though. You followed your boyfriend to another continent with no job prospects, Person-I-just-met? That’s awesome. I… have a blog. Zzz.)
.-= Laura G´s last post … In which I need help with NaNoWriMo =-.
Havi, you are not only a complete kick to read, you offer wisdom and perspective. Plus connect me to others I want to hear more from. (Just signed up for Mahala’s feed.) Thanks.
I admit I’ve sometimes thought I’m too bland to create “Savoring Your Sixties” and I carry on anyway. Thanks for the encouragement.
P.S. I’d like a pet gray whale but I’m concerned about the fishy breath issue.
Thank you for the encouragement, JoVE! I think I will I will pursue the lazy shiatsu therapist angle, whenever I feel like getting around to it. LOL
I, too, did the bad mommy blogging thing, long before I discovered others were making a career out of it. I stopped because I was afraid of (gasp!) judgment…
.-= Gina´s last post … i’m too sexy for this post =-.
@Gina – The Lazy Shiatsu thing is genius. Especially since you can also model for people what it’s like to give permission to not want to do stuff, which is huge. And different. And memorable!
Yay JoVE for saying what I would have said! 🙂
@Bonnie – Very cool!. You should totally write a post about owning the bland (and/or not being intimidated by the bland). I bet it would give a ton of permission to people who worry that *they’re* too bland to savor their sixties…
@creative voyage – I love it. WOMBAT!
This is so much fun.
The thing that makes me laugh about this is that I have had the opposite problem wherein I find myself declaring, “I am not odd, I am normal! I am VERY normal.” (I have it on good authority that if you have to add VERY, you render the statement null and void). I finally settled on “Ok, not weird, charmingly quirky!” But hell, even my acupuncturist has declared me “not like other people.” So, while I applaud the inherent permission to be boring, I also have to say there’s nothing wrong with being… not like other people. Which you already said of course. Let’s all just be ourselves. It’s much easier than being someone else.
Ahem. *wry face*
Good to practice being my normal variety of kooky. I’m thinking that Thing 1 is being your own self, and Thing 2 is *recognizing* that you are a unique flower, whatever your special personal brand. Like Mahala – being sui generis, but not always seeing yourself the way people do from the outside. Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum because I think I’m so boring. But I think I’m actually just as weird as can be, and sometimes just lose sight.
And so, so true that kookiness-on-demand can result in total wit-freeze and a false front of normalness.
P.S. – What’s your unfair advantage, anyway?
.-= Amna (@Germinational)´s last post … Germinational: @gapingvoid That’s because your soul hasn’t caught up with your body yet. (a definition of jet lag) =-.
So, after years of kicking the ground and looking modest and saying, “Oh, no, I’m not interesting or special,” I have an EDITOR who wants me to write a memoir-ish kind of thing – something about me. And I say “oh, no, I don’t want it to be about ME, I want to write fiction, I like making up worlds and places and people,” and the little voice inside says, “Are you nucking futz? An editor, a real editor at a book publishing house, wants to publish a book you have written, and suddenly you’re not interesting? SRSLY?”
I wrote my agent last night to say that I am going to try this… after I finish the draft of the current novel, sure, but I am going to try it.
Boy is resistance having a field day in my head. Getting bigger. I feel like part of my problem is that I’ve been fighting it all this time.
When someone declares that “X is boring,” I think it’s much more of a reflection of the declarer, than it is of X. Personally, I find tax codes boring. And that says more about me than it does about tax codes. My accountant is pulsing-red-hot-excited about tax codes. Which makes him one of the most interesting people I know. Because of his unapologetic passion for his thing. Which is not even remotely my thing. But passion is our middle ground, and so we come together there.
Thanks for the heads-up about Mahala. What she’s up to is so beautiful.
.-= Erika Harris´s last post … Live outside the box. Literally. =-.
I have a lot of kookiness inside me that I am totally afraid to let out. I think that maybe we all do. Thank you, Havi, for being an example. Seriously. When I come here I don’t feel so afraid anymore. 🙂
.-= Amber´s last post … Field Trip to Dad’s Work =-.
Thanks Havi. My problem is that I think I’m too kooky and that will scare people off. I keep needing this constant reminder that all I need to be is me. It’s something I constantly forget then freak out about and then I don’t write. Being me is enough, and now I need to be me out loud, so my Right People can find me, and we’ll all be kooks together.
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last post … Witches, Skeltons, and Witch Doctors, Oh My! =-.
Great post! The concept blew my head open earlier this year, when I was thinking about starting my new blog, and I was kind of due a reinforcement – thank you 🙂
Oscar Wilde allegedly said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken”, which sort of sums it up. (Oscar would’ve been great on Twitter, though, wouldn’t he?)
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain (@leannich)´s last post … Fashion Statements =-.
Heh. Re Oscar on Twitter, looks like somebody beat me to that particular idea!
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain (@leannich)´s last post … Fashion Statements =-.
Oh my !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (is there per comment exclamation point limit?)
Havi, I will start blowing kisses and bowing — I love bowing! — as soon as I stop laughing.
Laughing because A) On the Right People call you said to me, even if you don’t find yourself kooky or odd there are probably other people who would. Bong! Yes! After all, I fervently believe things I used to roll my eyes at. Chakras! Past lives! I had a visionary experience in the ER after my accident. I developed clairaudient abilities after my head injury because my short term memory was so bad I could never find anything. I had to say “Hey, keys, tell me where you are because I want to leave the house.” And they would tell me. I still count on my helpers to get me through the day. I love bowing. My favorite Buddhist practices are in Tibetan, but I don’t speak the language at all. I can go all week without my phone ringing and I love that. I consume chocolate at breakfast-time… Never you worry Mahala, dear. There’s plenty of odd to work with here.
Still. Laughing part B because I decided saying “I teach heart meditation” sounds dull and I’ve been thinking of saying “I teach meditation to idealists” because all that love & all that heart is how we know the world should work & when you meditate that world becomes more real.
Ok. Blowing kisses now. To you, and to all the people you’ve sent my way.
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … A Brief & Beautiful Prayer =-.
An Unfair Advantage – It’s just one guy! (Shortest comment ever.)
I happen to think everyone is weird because, without any exception I’ve ever seen, all little kids are weird. I mean really extraordinarily weird. Like, “should we be worried?” weird. Which is why I like to hang with little kids, they make me feel comfortable.
But this makes sense–“I’m not weird enough” can just be another fish we use to flop ourselves in the head with. The human ability to find reasons we suck: limitless. Kind of inspirational, really.
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
@Erika
“But passion is our middle ground, and so we come together there.”
LOVE it.
@Mahala – “…all that love & all that heart is how we know the world should work & when you meditate that world becomes more real.”
You just made me cry in the middle of a teashop. So true. Ow, my heart. It hoits, it hoits.
@Sandy – “if you have to add VERY, you render the statement null and void” Wow – very true.
(Can you tell I’m reading the comments from the bottom up?)
My friend had a rabbit who came when you called, and my cat sleeps in the sink so she can drink from my hand when I wake up.
Does that count?
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … Never how you planned it =-.
Wonderful post, Havi. I’m going to celebrate it by allowing myself to leave a boring comment here, because right now I’m too tired to think of anything much to say except, “Love it!”
Well, that, and the fact that you inspired me to Google scones in a tube.
.-= spiralsongkat´s last post … There’s a nap for that. =-.
I love you.
Can I just say that? I’m learning to be honest with myself, so YES I CAN. Absolutely awesome post, sure I guess I could elaborate a bit more and put my two cents in like “oh this is how i feel about it” and maybe just rearrange some words and add a few phrases including the words “juxtaposition” and “parallel universe,” but I’ll keep to myself. If I could pick one blog post for life, this would be it. Seriously. I’m sure you get this enough, but one more wouldn’t hurt or help, so it’s practically neutral. Which in retrospect, is kinda bad, but oh well. I’m just learning to love my weird side and my boring side, and expressing them effectively, and this post is totally helping me out. Thanks.
Love it!
I work at a TV station where I have to write a bunch of emails that nobody really wants to read. So I try to have fun with them, make jokes, add pictures. More for my own entertainment than anything.
Now I’m known for writing funny emails, but ask anybody what I wrote, they haven’t a clue. But from a personal branding perspective, mission accomplished!
.-= Jon´s last post … Rebecca Helps – Green Party =-.
My favourite boring normal person is Magritte. You know the guy who did all the paintings of guys in bowler hats. He had a whole theory of living a common, normal or in the language of his day bourgeois. He felt there way no need to be like Dali or others of his time who live extravagantly and were of course kooookkkky.
Andrew
.-= Andrew McGregor´s last post … The Fool, Magician and Priestess =-.
@Andrew McGregor – that is so perfect. Especially since Magritte is beloved by kooky people the world over, despite probably not wanting that at all. Awesome.
@Andrew Lightheart – totally counts! You’re in the kooky animal club. And I second what you said to Erika!
(“But passion is our middle ground, and so we come together there.” Erika! You rock.)
@Sonia Simone – I know! How many fish can we possibly flop ourselves in the head with? Loving the (extremely disturbing) mental image.
@Mahala – okay, I want to read posts about you talking to your keys and them talking back. I have a friend who found her missing cat that way. Well, kind of that way.
@Amna – Ha! I was hoping someone would ask. I will write a post about my Unfair Advantage (… it’s just one guy, as Gilbert said) soon. It’s not what you think. Not that you’re thinking anything. Never mind. I’ll just write the post!
@Patrick – *blows kiss* thank you!
Oh God – this is super triggery. I am naturally kooky and I love being kooky and I think maybe what I’m triggering on is that, in an effort to be “good” and “achievery” (“You’re not living up to your potential, Alicia!”), I have consistently put myself in places where I get slapped down for kookiness. Hence my new dammit about not working anymore in places that don’t allow the word “bitchin”.
Do I want to be a professional if I can’t be kooky too? What kind of professionals are allowed to be kooky?
Aggh – off to process.
Thanks.
Oh how I love this post! Yes, I AM free to be boring, or whatever. A therapist friend of mine once told me,
“Mikelann– if everyone likes you, you’re doing something weird.” I always think of that. If everyone likes me, I’m probably being a Chameleon. (That IS boring!) The truth is that I create girly scrapbooks while I watch NFL football. It just is. That’s me. Kooky or not.
Such freedom.
.-= Mikelann Valterra´s last post … Buying a racy gift in real time =-.
I love this too. It feels very… supporting and affirming.
I happen to brand myself as “Just a simple DBA”. I’m most definitely not the best expert you can find. I make mistakes and blog them so everyone can laugh and learn. This is me.
I admit that I’ve yet to figure out why this is valuable to other people, but people read me and listen to me at conferences and pay me to manage their databases – so I guess there is some demand for a simple DBA 🙂
.-= Chen Shapira´s last post … Lessons From OOW09 #3 – What’s New with Streams? =-.
@Alicia, “achievery” is making me smile. Which is good, I needed a smile today. 🙂
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
@Andrew. Lightheart <– love it! Sending kleenex and hugs through the internets. Don't know if it helps, but I cry all the time. It hoits less and less, but at the same time the heart becomes more and more tender.
@Havi. I will keep in mind your suggestions for a blog about talking to my keys. I DO anticipate a post about Raccoon Whispering, although in actual fact they whispered to me more than the other way around.
On branding. Back when I wanted to be a gardener, but had very little energy and moved very slowly, I was going to call myself a Zen Gardener. Gardening with peaceful awareness. I think the brand's still available, if anyone wants it.
Love, Mahala
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Bringer of Blessings | Rest & Receiver =-.