Rowr.
Well, you just can’t talk biggification without getting into the whole red velvet rope thing.
Because growing your thing (the thing!) in a mindful way without burning yourself out means … having boundaries.
And making them sexy.
But first, I need to explain a bunch of stuff.
Red velvet ropery: what is it?
The red velvet rope is a concept I borrowed from Michael Port.
For me, it’s about distinctions and healthy boundaries.
And really, it includes anything you say or do that results in making your Right People feel welcome, while helping your non-right-people understand that their thing is … somewhere else.
Wheee! Let’s have an example.
Okay. Selma?
She’s the best red velvet rope in the entire world.
I have a duck. I am a biggified blah blah expert whose business partner is a duck.
People who get it and think it’s cool are totally in.
People who think it’s stupid, or suspect that she’s — ewwwwwwwwwww — some kind of marketing ploy, are out. But not because I have to ask them to leave or anything. They just self-select out. They don’t stick.
Having red-velvet-rope Selma around (and let’s be honest, I don’t do anything without her) turns out to be a great way to help people find their way in or out.
Here’s another one.
As everyone knows, I’m having a totally-not-secret secret love affair with Naomi. And one of her red velvet ropes is that she curses like a sailor.
She is a fabulous potty-mouth.
People who don’t dig that leave. Fast. But people who think it’s hysterical to read smart, foul-mouthed business advice will read anything she writes.
Sure, she’s also smart, funny and really, really sweet. And knows what she’s talking about.
But to be in, you have to choose to be in.
Naomi and I aren’t marching around saying “you get in if you’re like this and this” or “go away if you aren’t blah blah blah“.
Because we don’t have to.
So: is the red velvet rope the best metaphor in the world?
Meh. It has some problematic bits.
On the one hand, the red velvet rope thing contains all kinds of good elements. Like these:
[+ boundary] [+ sexy] [+ value] [+ self-selecting]
But it also has some problematic stowaways*. Like [+ divisive] [+ snobby]
We definitely don’t want our red velvet ropiness to be obnoxious.
*“Stowaways” are a Suzette Haden Elgin concept — read her book The Last Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense for more on what I’m talking about here.
The most common misconception.
It’s easy to make the mistake of thinking a red velvet rope will make you come across as diva-ey or a total snob — that’s it’s about saying haha I’m in and you’re not.
But that’s not it.
It is about distinctions, but again — in a positive way.
Your red velvet rope is about showing your Right People that you have a place for them, and making them welcome.
The keeping-out part of the distinction is also useful — for keeping out the shoe-throwers and general asshats.
But ideally, the intention of the rope thing is to wave enthusiastically (hi!) to your Right People, to help them see that this is somewhere they can feel at home.
Don’t do this.
The boring way that people try to apply this is by (yawn) having a niche or talking to a “target market”.
So yeah, technically speaking … saying that you only work with “former journalists between the ages of 45 and 60 who live in the greater Chicago area” is a red velvet rope.
But it’s a stupid rope — the kind that doesn’t necessarily fit your Right People. I mean, what if I’m 37 and in Sheboygan but we would totally hit it off? Or what if I’m exactly in that group you described but we don’t madly adore each other? Not interesting. Not useful.
No, a good red velvet rope is something that gives the kind of people you like being around that tingly feeling of “oooh, oooh, oooh, this is for me!”
More about the ropes.
If it’s on your dammit list, it’s a red velvet rope.
For example, I don’t put gushy testimonials on my “hey, I’m doing a retreat” pages, dammit.
Not because I don’t have any. Anyone who has been to one of my live programs will say that this is a not-to-be-missed experience that makes everything in your life better.
It’s because I’m not interested in making some big market-ey point of telling people how great it’s going to be. I don’t want to push it or sell it or make a huge deal out of it.
I really want only the people who already suspect how great it’s going to be.
This means that a lot of people are going to self-select out. They want me to convince them, and I’m just not going to. And that’s fine.
My red velvet rope in this particular situation is you only get in if you’re someone who already gets it.
For a different kind of program I might have a different red velvet rope. But for retreats? The convincing-ey thing is not going to happen.
Taking the red velvet rope thing to somewhere slightly more extreme.
I’ve been playing with this a lot. Experimenting.
And for my Next Big Thing (which, by the way, has a name — it’s called Biggification 2010), there is mad red-velvet-ropery going on.
It will be the hardest to get into of any program I’ve ever done. There will be prerequisites and an application and phone interviews.
This is not to be bitchy and mean. It’s to be supportive of my Right People and to have super-clear boundaries.
More importantly, I won’t be doing anything to try to get people in. I will welcome the ones who are in, but I’m sure as hell not making it easy on people.
More about being inclusive.
There are different levels of Right People.
So not everything you do is going to speak to all of your Right People.
Someone can like me and not be a Shivanaut, and still be a Right Person.*
*Though if you show up at a Retreat? We’ll be shiva-ing it up and then we will laugh about how horrible it is … together!
Some people are going to be right there in the inner circle of Right-People-ness, and some people are going to be out around the edges.
Still right. Still a great fit. Just not the absolute most-PERFECTLY-right-ever overlap. There’s room for so many kinds of Right People within the bigger orbit of Mostly Right People.
But either way, here’s the important part:
Having boundaries and distinctions doesn’t need to be about being a diva. It’s about being clear on what you want and need.
It’s about being clear on what will support and sustain you as you bring your thing into the world.
Yeah.
Ahhhh. Now we’re at the core thing. Support.
You want your thing (your business, your poetry, your dancing, whatever it is) to get to the people who need it, even if you don’t know who they are yet.
You want your thing to go out into the world and do what it needs to do.
And that means that you and your thing need support.
You need to feel safe, supported and loved so that your thing can be sustainable. So that you don’t end up in emotional-breakdown land.
If you’re not taking steps to make sure that what you’re doing supports you (whether that’s financially or emotionally or spiritually or any possible combination of ways), it’s going to hurt.
Red velvet ropes are one more important piece of that support system. They exist to support you, so that you can keep doing your thing.
And that is huge.
Comment zen for today …
Stupid biggification! It’s hard and scary and brings up all of our stuff. Sorry about that.
Luckily, this concept is something you get to play with and make work for you. And if it doesn’t work for you, you have my permission to toss it.
EDIT! I can’t believe I forgot to mention this, but yes. All this red velvet rope stuff (and the Right People concept) is not just for biggification. It holds for relationships, friends, dating, work … really, anything that involves interacting with the outside world.
Follow
Havi, this is a great illustration of the difference between a niche and your Right People. Thanks!
.-= Julie´s last post … How can you tell if you should leave academia? =-.
If it’s on your dammit list, it’s a red velvet rope.
This made me cry, in a really good way.
Thank you, Havi. There is so much to think about here!
Good Morning!
I think I may need to print this out 🙂 Though I am not really interested (just yet) in the business aspects, obviously this translates to personal relationships of all kinds, perfectly. I’ve got a long list of people who got by the– wait, I didn’t have much of a velvet rope at all– some were nice, some not so nice, but just not my right people. My VPA yesterday was to figure out more of this ‘right people’ stuff. I’ve spent too long as a square peg, forcibly trying to shave bits off of me so I will fit in someplace (painful, ineffective, ends up lumpy and not-quite-right 😉 ) and it took me 35 years before that lightbulb went on and I *sort of* figured it out. Having gone through some difficult spots when I was younger made me only think about what others were thinking of me, and the idea that *I* might have some preferences was completely foreign. The red velvet rope, and sovereignty, (oh, ok, and so many other fabulous insights I can’t remember them all) well, this is why I read your blog. I still don’t remember how I found it, but I am so very glad I did. <3
Ingrid
Hmmm. Wow. Kinda speechless on this. Because I already do this…. I test people by being kinda wacky, like telling people that I have this theory that cats and dogs (and maybe ducks) are like an “Away team” for an alien race. So someday when they come they will look and see who was good to animals. Be afraid Michael Vick, be very afraid.
Anyway I guess things like that are my red velvet rope, except that when they look at me funny and don’t get me at all I think it’s something wrong with me and that I don’t fit. But maybe there’s nothing wrong with anyone and not fitting is just fine. 🙂
Wow, major light bulb moment that Right People-ness and Support are two sides of the same coin (or two sides of the many-sided die or whatever). And then even bigger mind-expansion moment from what Ingrid just said that your friends should also be your Right People. WOW. I mean, of course, duh, but I have so many people who are I guess sort of friends but who are definitely not my Right People, and I just couldn’t put my finger on why/what to do about it until now. Thank you, Havi and Ingrid!
.-= Darcy´s last post … Day 22: Still recovering =-.
I’ve been pondering Red Velvet Ropes a lot lately. It’s so hard for us to have one when we teach connection and openness and encourage people to broaden their monkeyspheres.
‘Cause here’s my secret: I don’t want to broaden my monkeysphere.
I like it just fine exactly as it is, thank you muchly.
I’m fragile and extremely sensitive. I make connections slowly and deeply. I can’t hold hundreds of people in my head, no matter how awesome they are. Truth be told, my personal monkeysphere is even smaller than most – the “typical” size is 150 people, but mine’s more like 90.
But that turned out to be my Rope in and of itself. People who want to crash into my life and absorb all my time and attention? They’re on the wrong side of the rope. People who want to be my best friend after one interaction? Wrong side!
Now, all I have to do is come to peace with that. (;
.-= Kyeli´s last post … Find the silly and embrace it. =-.
Ingrid? Is that you? It says it’s you.
And to what you say… it sounds familiar. Naturally. I used to worry about what people thought until I saw rejection was a gift. Because otherwise I’d end up embroiled with people who in the long run would drive me batty and, as you say, shave down the square peg parts.
Here’s to people moving on and square pegs!
.-= Bill Randall´s last post … Traveling Swans =-.
Havi, reading this was like taking a deep, nourishing breath:
“Having boundaries and distinctions . . .[is] about being clear on what you want and need. It’s about being clear on what will support and sustain you as you bring your thing into the world.”
It’s really as simple as that. My red velvet rope is me taking responsibility for my life, and nurturing my gifts so I can bring them to the world.
Thank you for this brilliant post!
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Sunday Poem #10 =-.
@Ingrid – yes yes yes! And hooray for square-peg stuff. It’s important.
@Bill – yeaaaaaaaaaah!
@Kyeli – awesome. I love it. That’s beautiful. Not being interested in broadening your monkeysphere is a terrific example of a red velvet rope. And “no rope-crashers, even if they’re nice” is a perfectly legitimate thing to insist on.
Your people should have to respect your needs, and if that’s how your needs work, that’s the way it is.
And I get you on the “how do we teach openness and connection while still having ropes?” thing.
For me, healthy boundaries create more room for deeper connection. And they make a safe space to practice openness. And then the people within your safe space set up their own red velvet ropes and teach people in their safe space.
And anyway, we all model this stuff all the time on the great big internets. So even if people aren’t in the inner fabulous circle of kyeli, they can still read your words and be inspired to open and connect to their thing too.
Hope that makes sense! Big sloppy kiss!
@Darcy – nice! That’s huge.
@Serena – that might be the best red velvet rope ever. Because then you’ll really only get people who have a keen sense of goofiness and wonder (and love for animals) inside your Weird And Wonderful Circle of Serena.
Anyone who doesn’t get it can move on. But you’re right that it’s hard to trust that internal space we’re trying to create when the rest of the world thinks it’s weird.
When I used to go to “networking events”, about 95% of the people thought it was stupid that I brought my duck. It was useful because the other 5% would just gravitate to me, and we’d have a ball. But it’s also tiresome being around all those other people who don’t get it.
So I hear the pain. Sorry for the hard. It definitely sucks.
And Bill also makes a really helpfulpoint which is yay for the wrong people finding their way out so we don’t have to deal with them.
I test to see if I have a red velvet rope that is for something, not against something. If it is for, then I’m doing the right thing.
It’s all in the prepositions!
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last post … Zippy, Pithy Elsa Maxwell Quotes for Thanksgiving =-.
“If it’s on your dammit list, it’s a red velvet rope.”
I was totally smitten with the dammit list before. Now, I think I’m completely, hopelessly in love. 🙂
What I find challenging is that when people aren’t your Right People, it’s often obvious. They just don’t get you, and you both know it. However, what about the people who seem like they ought to be your Right People because you share the same interests, passion, mission in life, etc.? I’ve met a lot of these folks and got all excited because I thought they’d be my right people, and oh, the sadness and frustration when I find out they’re not. Red velvet ropes probably would’ve helped me figure it out faster and without as much agony.
@Ingrid, yes yes yes, for personal life too! It took me so long to learn this. For years, I listened to people who told me I HAD to mentor so-and-so because they looked up to me so much! Or that I had to be friends with the-other-one because they adored me. Now, it’s more like, um, that’s nice.
@Sherron, yeah, that one is really hard. The people who LOOK so much like Red Velvet Rope people until you really get to know each other. They’re the ones I find myself most sad over.
.-= Julie´s last post … How do you know if you’ve made the right decision? =-.
@Lydia – nice!
@Sherron – hugely good point. You’re right. It *is* really frustrating and painful when it seems like everything should fit in the Right People thing and then it doesn’t.
There is also this phenomenon where we think characteristics (or all that “psychographics” stuff) are everything when it’s actually more like voice. Or soul.
Example:
If I like long walks on the beach, I have absolutely no way of knowing if everyone else who likes long walks on the beach is MY KIND of walking-on-the-beach Right Person.
But suppose I say something like this …
“Okay, fine. I do like long walks on the beach, though really only after 5pm because otherwise I burn to a crisp. And when I say long, I mean at least an hour. No pretending that fifteen minutes is a long walk on the beach because I’m pretty sure it isn’t.
Oh and my dog Zarbaphone will be there. He’s not an alien, he just sounds like one. Though my friend Serena (never actually met her), has this fabulously kooky theory that dogs are an Away Team for an alien race and they’re just testing us. So who knows. Also my duck will be there. Whoo!”
I’ll find fewer people who want to walk on the beach with me, sure. But I’m more likely to find the ones I want to be walking with.
That is the power of speaking in your own voice.
Which is also a wonderful red velvet rope.
Anyway, got off track. I’m just finding myself wanting to acknowledge the pain you’re talking about, and also to find other ways to think about red velvet ropes. Because if we can avoid some of the agony, that’s a good thing. 🙂
“For me, healthy boundaries create more room for deeper connection. And they make a safe space to practice openness. And then the people within your safe space set up their own red velvet ropes and teach people in their safe space.”
I’ve seen this in my experience where I had two friends, each of whom *hated* their roommate. Come to find out, they were roommates! But they were both friends with me. So we can be ripples for other people’s Right People (OPRP) without violating our own boundaries.
I also twigged to the applying the biggification to my personal relationships, it really helped clarify why Thanksgiving was such a Big Deal for me. I’m glad that I wasn’t the only one who went there too.
.-= Andi´s last post … Wishcasting Wednesday =-.
This rope thing has really got me thinking…. it’s definitely a step in the direction of Sovreignty for me because it just gave me this huuuuuge realization that it’s ok if not everyone is my Right Person, and that it’s ok if some people I’m perfectly happy to spend time with are not quite Right People for me. I guess I was always searching searching for perfect soulmates everywhere. Well, I finally found one person (heeee) that I can stop testing because he has no intention of leaving. And I am finding people who I love to do certain things with but not others and that is perfectly fine. Phew. Deeep breath. YAY!!!! 🙂
I’ve always loved the red velvet rope concept (and Selma! Yay Selma!). I recently pitched away my entire advertising business site for a one page concept (I’ll link to it above). Either someone will appreciate the idea or they won’t… I don’t suspect there are many in-betweens. If you think it’s a great idea, you’d probably also like the kind of advertising I’ll design for you. If you think it’s the most horrible thing ever, you’re going to feel the same about what I’ll design. (So far, the response has been mostly positive.) Instant red velvet rope.
– Brandon
Twitter: @brandoncreates
Ha-ha! That’s exactly why I’m sticking with the marketing meme, “Your software project sucks. I make it not suck.” It really does select out the people who don’t like the word “suck.” That’s okay. They probably wouldn’t like the way I work anyway, and we’d not get along, and that would be sad.
So I’m hearing you on this.
.-= Mark W. “Extra Crispy” Schumann´s last post … The Power of Dumb Ideas II =-.
I am struggling with this post.
I am having a visceral reaction to the red velvet rope.
I appreciate not entertaining asshats and shoe-throwers.
I also appreciate having people self-select out.
And yet, I am wondering if there are people outside the red rope who are great, and who maybe don’t match the current reflection of who belongs inside?
How do you know who you’re missing? Do you just trust that the right people show up?
.-= Bridget´s last post … Na-No-Intuit-Mo: how to use your intuition to find your missing fingers if you’re Galileo =-.
Having a red velvet rope is incredibly useful and supportive and utterly necessary, but setting those boundaries (especially when a lot of the prevailing advice in this world is to be as “inclusive” as possible), is hard work.
I look at the people whose red velvet ropes I’ve been kept out by, and it’s all alright. They’re not my Right People – and I don’t fault anyone for that. And, certainly, I don’t throw any shoes.
But somehow – when I’m the person setting up the rope? Horrible premonitions of flying shoes and other General Badness.
Skeeeery!
Here’s something you’ve helped me realize, though, Havi: Your Not-Right-People really do self-select away. And if they throw shoes as they leave… then isn’t it wonderful that the velvet rope kept them out in the first place?
Thanks for that. 🙂
.-= Charlotte´s last post … You ARE What You Do. (Repeatedly.) =-.
I think part of it, Bridget, is that your Right People might need to take a journey to get to you, and that’s fine. If there’s a little bit of a mismatch or tension there that makes them feel Not Right Enough Yet, then going out there and pulling them into Your Thing is probably not the right thing to do. For them or for you.
.-= Mark W. “Extra Crispy” Schumann´s last post … The Power of Dumb Ideas II =-.
Oh Crispy- That helped A LOT!
Thank you.
.-= Bridget´s last post … Na-No-Intuit-Mo: how to use your intuition to find your missing fingers if you’re Galileo =-.
What I love about the Red Velvet Rope metaphor is this: the Rope is a clear divider (boundary), but it doesn’t prevent you (setter-up of the Rope) from occasionally making intentional connections with very nice people who aren’t exactly your Right People. The Rope isn’t a Wall or a Chasm, so you can choose at any point to wave at someone on the other side, or shake hands, or pass them a friendly note. No need to apologize for the Rope, or explain it, because of that whole “self-selecting” thing–but you can also choose to interact at some other level, if you want.
.-= Tracy´s last post … Retrospective: Stumbling Towards Grace =-.
Sometimes I read your business-ish posts and I get how it applies to a service of some sort, but I wonder how it could apply if your Thing is an actual thing. I’ve even had this thought regarding red velvet ropes, but this time I’m thinking that my photography itself is the rope. One’s reaction to the art creates the distinction between Right people and others, yes?
.-= claire´s last post … Dance Dance Revolution: from ridiculous to sublime =-.
Love this.
I’m struggling with how exactly goofy to be in my new law practice helping creative solopreneurs and artists of all kinds. I want to play with law, make it play and it’s probably my legal training that’s making me think it’s all serious and sacrosaint. I mean, what if people don’t trust that I’m a really good lawyer because I’m a goof ball and I make it fun (or even make fun)? That’s what’s coming up for me right now. Lots of food for thought and this was so helpful. Xoxo
I am now convinced, CONVINCED!, that I need a red velvet rope. But I don’t know what it is. I suspect I already have one, if I think about it long enough. Hmmm. Lots of food for thought, here, for me.
Also? I had never heard of Sheboygan, but now I think I need to go and repeat it to myself over and over again. Sheboygan is really way too much fun to say.
.-= Amber´s last post … No Time to Be Sick =-.
What a terrific example, Havi. Less agony would be mahvelous!
One of the things the holiday season has me agonizing over is that none of my family seem to be my Right People. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way. I’m wondering how many other people made up stories about being switched at birth in the hospital “because there’s just no way I belong in THIS family!” LOL
This year, my goal is to be okay with who I am, even though they’re not. But I’m already getting panicky about spending time with them. Shoes? Possible. Probable, really. But a miracle could occur! 🙂
@Sherron – right. Everyone I know thinks that. I don’t know if family get to be Right People because of the problematic and annoying Lack of Apparent Choice.
Good luck with that. One of the things on my personal dammit list is that I don’t do Thanksgiving … 🙂
@Amber – yes, once you hear of Sheboygan you can’t un-hear Sheboygan.
I’d never heard of it myself until the year I spent in Madison, Wisconsin. You’d ask someone where they were from and they’d name some tiny place and you’d look confused and then they’d look annoyed and pout. And then they’d say “It’s near Sheboygan!” as if that explained everything.
@Rebecca – go you! There are enough staid, boring, unbearable lawyers in the world. Be the one the goofballs can talk to! (I get that it’s scary, though)
@claire – yes, absolutely. What you do is itself a form of red velvet rope.
Havi (and everyone)
This really made me think.
I took Michael Port’s 15-week programme, and it’s pretty thorough.
The Red Velvet Rope concept is really important and makes total sense.
However, ‘niching’ my business almost killed it (and me).
What I hadn’t done (consciously) until just now was to question Michael’s logic:
Red Velvet Rope = Niche + Target Market
(Bad critical thinker, BAD).
And, you’re right, psychographic doesn’t even mean much.
What I’m loving is setting up this new project and allowing
a) me to write how I write without second guessing myself (much)
b) it to gradually take time to gather momentum – I figure a year of blogging just to really find begin to find an audience for what I’m saying – plant-growing, not cliff-jumping…
*And*… I
There’s also the presupposition that I can know *in advance* who my Right People are.
Which might not be true.
Yay – blogging. Yay – opening. And yay – boundaries.
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … Shut Up and Listen =-.
(And yay not proofing my comments, evidently.) Sigh.
Oh oh oh – Boundaries tangent.
I was listening to Pema Chödrön the other day.
She took a question from a woman who asked how could she have boundaries with her Mom who had abused her, and still develop compassion for the abuser.
Pema replied that if compassion was to be genuine, it would arise rather than be chosen and that having boundaries would be the most compassionate act that the woman could perform in relation to her Mom.
Made me kind of cry-think-realise.
So really. Boundaries. Good.
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … Shut Up and Listen =-.
that is awesome, andrew, thank you. Pema knocks me out every time. and she is especially wise on boundaries, I find.
I’m a huge fan of something Havi said in an earlier comment–that speaking in your own voice is a great way to create a red velvet rope.
@Rebecca, I wonder if this quote will help you, it’s helped me. “Always take the work seriously. Never take yourself seriously.” I may not be quoting it exactly as first said, it’s by Paul Newman and it’s something of a mantra of mine. I bet if you talked about that very dividing line in your stuff (web site or whatever), your right people would totally start to hum and get it.
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
Oh, oh, oh FINALLY!!! I have just started my own business – it is actually one month old today, yay! (And yes, I still have my fulltime day job.) And I have been vacuuming up all the marketing info I have found and even taken an online course with a guy that I am pretty sure caters to my kind of people, but I have been struggling hugely with the niche thing because, first, like @andrew, I’m not sure who my Right People are. (Thanks @andrew, that was a big bright lightning bolt and a huge comforting thing all rolled into one!!)
And second, I found the two concepts psychographic and sociographic kinda stupid when connected to marketing but I couldn’t really pinpoint why. But today, here it was:
“So yeah, technically speaking … saying that you only work with “former journalists between the ages of 45 and 60 who live in the greater Chicago area” is a red velvet rope. But it’s a stupid rope — the kind that doesn’t necessarily fit your Right People. I mean, what if I’m 37 and in Sheboygan but we would totally hit it off?”
So this post was huge for me – thanks!
Ok, I’m not done yet – something is compelling me to say this too (even though I’m freaking out from fear just writing it. Hopefully I’ll dare to actually post it.) I have been hanging out here for a while – even though the fact that Selma hates the word “coaching” scares me – and thus I’m not sure if I am one of your Right People, Havi, and since one of my huge things are about not fitting in and not being included I feel scared here. (I am both intimidated by you and curious about you and interested in what you know about biggification and stuckness – conflicted in other words.) An example in point that I can give is that when I was in academia, I was the goofiest, silliest and most foul mouthed assisting professor there was and because of that I was never seen as being very competent, and I am still struggling with what that did to me. (So I really, really feel you @Rebecca, AND I also know immediately that I am one of your Right People!) And I’ll stop my ramblings here – sorry for the veeeery loooooong comment.
.-= marie´s last post … I have a dream – what is yours? =-.
Thanks Havi – I realise I have to do a red velvet rope page for my blog.
Also wanted to let you know was in a department store this morning and started to see if the furnature department had a chaise lounge…
What if the people who are already your friends don’t seem to fit your velvet rope but because you’ve spent so much time together it’s hard to separate yourselves? Because the velvet rope has changed over the years or something… ? *sigh
Whoo! Poetry likes being mentioned 🙂
Dear Havi and Selma, this is one of the smartest thing I’ve ever read … This blog is just pure “brain and emotion candy” to me. I’m still awkwardly trying to figure out my VPA (I’m improving …) and my Damit list. I feel so grateful people like you exist and I was able to find you.
@R that is a hard one, isn’t it?
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
@Bridget – those are all really useful questions. And it *is* really hard to trust that the right people are going to find their way in.
I definitely hear the worry/fear that it won’t work, or that it will be uncomfortable for other people.
I also think a lot about what Andrea J. Lee says … it’s more elegant than this, but the basic idea:
If we shine our light in a really focused way, that light is bright and powerful and the people who need it can see it. If we let it diffuse all over the place, trying to reach anyone who needs a speck of it, there’s no place to gather and be in the light.
So for me, I try to do a few things:
1. to speak in a voice that is truly mine, so that the people who will be a good fit can feel that.
2. to remind myself that the more I biggify, the more people I’ll be able to help outside of the boundaries of my velvet ropes. Like, everyone who reads the blog gets to be in some way part of my thing. Which is great.
3. to try and trust that the people I can’t help will be helped by one of the other, many helper mice out there.
But you’re right. We can’t always know. The best we can do is to speak what we know (and what we don’t).
My experience has been that the people who need me will find me, if I’m doing my part to work on sovereignty and to recognize the parts of me who want to stay hidden.
I don’t know if that helps, but … stuff to think about. 🙂
@Marie – you’re absolutely right, the stuff we talk about that’s true for biggification doesn’t always hold for really conservative places like the world of academe.
And it’s scary/frustrating when we’ve already had experiences of having to silence ourselves.
I think you’re going about things the right way, and taking care of yourself while you’re doing it. Which is the important thing.
And really, some of my best friends are coaches. Hell, most of them. And I’m one too, even if I don’t like the word. It’s a useful word. It has its place. My point is: call yourself whatever you like. I won’t mind!
Wow! I’ve been struggling with this for a while, both in my business and personal life. Very velvet rope-y year so far!
In theory, I completely get it. But I’ve been having a real hard time putting it into practice. I’ll do well for a while, and then, without realizing, slowly slipping back into the worrying/freaking out/what if they don’t like me??? phase.
Just these past couple of days, I realized this is what I was doing. And now I’m taking the steps to climb out of it.
The most important part is knowing that it’s OK to slip back. I make an effort to remember that, and it works.
Thanks Havi!
.-= Melody´s last post … Stuffed! I reached my limit… =-.
@Havi
Thank you for taking the time to alleviate my fears – it means the world to me. Really.
.-= marie´s last post … I have a dream – what is yours? =-.