I do not have the slightest idea what I do for a living.
Nor do I wish to know.
The not-knowing has worked out quite well for nearly six years of running a business, and I expect it to only get better.
The grown-ups in my company (attorney, accountant, financial planner) don’t seem to be worried either.
They trust the duck. As they should.
A little confusion never hurts.
One of my neighbors thinks I’m a business consultant. Or a life coach?
Another thinks I’m a yoga teacher. Her husband thinks I’m an unlikely internet celebrity.
Another knows that I run a sort of zany pre-school for adults and that I always get the best toys at the neighborhood yard sales.
They’re all correct. I try not to talk about it. It just adds to the mystery.
The dreaded question.
The only thing I really dislike is that awful, awful moment when you meet someone new and they ask what it is you do.
I try to avoid this. I have tried being five years old. Thanks, Maria!
Or saying that I’m a pirate queen, which is true.
But then they still want you to talk about it, and I NEVER want to talk about it.
I have tried being evasive and changing the subject. I have tried being a secret agent and a ninja and a mob boss and saying that I can’t talk about it.
With an Italian accent! Idawanna talk about it! But it still stresses me out.
Oh ho! A sneak-around!
You see, it has been decided that I am an International Woman of Mystery.
I am part of the underground IWOM Brigade.
And no matter how many questions well-meaning strangers ask about what I do as an international woman of mystery, I am marvelously unfazed.
Person: So. What do you do?
Me: Oh! I’m an International Woman of Mystery! And this is my duck, Selma.
Person: An international woman of mystery? Really? What does that entail?
Me: I wish I could tell you but then it would be considerably less mysterious. What about you?
That is the power of the International Woman of Mystery.
It’s also fun to say, in a reverberating sort of way. IWOM IWOM IWOM!
What does it mean to be an International Woman of Mystery?
I’m not sure.
Remember when I tried to figure out what a CEO would do without having to wear shoulder pads?
That’s when I was looking for the signifiers of sovereignty.
And now I’m looking for the signifiers of being an International Woman of Mystery.
Sovereignty boots? Check.
Glitter eyeliner? IWOM drag outfits! Costumes!
I might need a parasol. Or a secret ring. It could be anything!
Joining the IWOM Brigade!
Would you like to? Obviously there aren’t any criteria.
It’s not important that you be and/or identify as any part of this: woman, mysterious or international.
It’s more about attitude.
It says:
I don’t have to know, explain or justify what I do. Unless I happen to feel like it.
Or possibly: Why yes, I AM wearing glitter.
Or possibly: I am changing the subject!
It’s a personal investigation into your secret identity and your superpowers, without owing explanations to anyone else. It’s about freedom.
Play with me!
There are many ways to play.
We can up with fun possible associations (and accessories) for the IWOM Brigade. Calling cards? Badges!
Or determine the qualities of being an International Whatever of Mystery:
Radiance, of course. Freedom. Play. What else?
Or we can find other ways to Intentionally Not Agree to being put in a box.
The Comment Zen part:
We remember that talking about business, biggification and identity can bring up a lot of hard and painful stuff. We all have our stuff.
We make room for people to have their own experience, and we don’t give unsolicited advice.
Love all around. And really great sunglasses, because that part seems important.
Follow
Yes! This is fabulous, and perfect! and did I mention perfect? 😉
I’ve spent a year or more trying to determine what it is I’m working on doing with my business… sometimes I need a reminder that I don’t actually need to know exactly what it is I’m doing. And as an International Woman of Mystery, it occurs to me that these things can be just as much of a mystery to me as to everyone else 😀
A red trench coat. 😀 Eyeliner. And one of those really long cigarette holders, only held of course when I am wearing gloves that go up to my elbows. And then I speak like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle, dahlink. 😀
I’m in. What a relief. I’m crossing the “I must come up with a clear, concise, witty and intriguing description of the mystery that is my person and livelihood” off of my “I should do this and yet I cringe every time I think about it” list. Yet again Havi, you rock.
(Please excuse my English, it’s not my first language)
Well, I just love this idea. I want to be part of the IWOM!!
And I think we need a hat – one of those little black hats with a little veil covering the eyes, the sort of hats the divas of noir films used in the 40’s… I don’t know how they are called, but they are very misterious! What do you think? 🙂
Oh and theme song? Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes 🙂
Badges! Check. (Seriously. And people love them.)
Radiance! Check.
Freedom! Check.
Play! Check.
Steampunk goggles and feather boa! Check.
Motorbike! Next on the list.
I’m *so* there. With bells on.
Oh yes – bells! Check.
xoxox
@Nospheratt — I was also picturing those film noir diva hats! And eye shadow. I love it!
@Lisa – hell yeah! Cross it off the list. It’s too depressing to have something like that hanging over you. 🙂
@Andi – mmm, yes. Cigarette holder. And Natasha-attitude.
@Heidi – yes! “just as much of a mystery to me as to everyone else” is exactly the joy of this IWOM thing, thank you for summing it up so concisely. Mwah!
Hello, Havi. Ohmygosh this is my first comment on your blog, I’m pretty sure. Let me preface this by saying that I almost commented so many times just with something like “yay!” or “Wow, thanks for this post.”
That said :/…
I think I would feel uncomfortable if I were on the receiving end of your IWOM response.
I feel uncomfortable just reading about it, because I ask people *all the time* what they do. I consciously avoid having it be my first question, because I for a while I had to remind myself that work does not define us (or, not all of us). But it is interesting to me, and eventually I do ask.
I think I’m uncomfortable because I’m perceiving this implication that I should have *known* this was an annoying question.
And that the off-the-wall response implies I’m being made fun of.
Honestly, I think it would throw me off enough that I would end the conversation, in case I was bothering you, depending on the situation.
I’m guessing this is really much more about having the freedom to not want to talk about what one does rather than “gosh, those people are so annoying.” Do you think my response to the approach would be uncommon?
Ooooo…eyeliner! Seamed Cuban heel stockings! A fur coat! A really good corset!
(Hmm… I think my lingerie drawer might already be down with this IWOM thing.)
And I will certainly clink my martini to that. (Although this might be cunningly disguised apple juice, because the only time I’ve drunk a martini, I had to go for a twenty minute walk to sober up afterwards as it seemed to go straight from my mouth to my brain. It did have jellybeans in it though.)
I have these really fantastic sunglasses with polka dots. On the frame of course, not the glasses 😉
Heidi, I love that you say that you can even be a mystery to yourself, it is a reminder to me to just do and not bother so much with naming what I do.
Oh, absolutely. Count me in! I’ve got the sunglasses, and I’m overdue for a new trench coat. My journal is also a useful Item of Mystery: “There she goes, writing again. What is she writing about?”
Oh, and I’ve just remembered that two of my high school teachers told me they thought I was mysterious! My freshman science teacher called me an enigma, and my AP history teacher, when she signed my yearbook, said, “You always seem to have a special secret, a special delight. I will miss you and the mystery.” (Which I always thought was a nice way of saying, I know you passed notes to your boyfriend during my class.)
Thanks for the affirmation and the inspiration, Havi! I’m off to practice smiling archly…
A potted palm. To hide behind whilst I conduct my espionage.
As soon as you said, “really great sunglasses,” I pictured the fashionable, big, black ones that make you look chic and hard to identify.
Love the idea of the IWOM but I’m not sure it’ll work for me because I don’t already have the following you do. I need more people to know what I do, y’know?
I’ve actually started saying that I’m a photographer without choking on it but I need to stop downplaying it in the follow ups.
Also something Colleen wrote recently really struck me in regards to the whole telling people what you do quandary:
“…not being able to succinctly describe what it is that I do is embarrassing …
Also, it’s ungracious. It’s confusing, which wastes everyone’s time—ungracious! (Worse, it makes some people feel stupid, like they’re missing something, and that’s beyond ungracious—it’s so mean as to be unacceptable.)
Finally, it makes me a lot less money.”
Any thoughts on that?
I love that IWOM works for you, but what if you were at an early stage of your business and needed to (gah) network?
In your case, I might say, “I run a business that helps people. It’s hard to encapsulate, but if you visit my Whee! The people page on my website, you’ll be able to see if it’s for you.” And then hand them a business card with the URL or offer to email it to them. No matter how you phrased it, I would point them to your site.
It’s just a thought (not meant as advice!), file it away or ignore it as you see fit. 🙂
Just discovered this blog last week via Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project site. Love, love, love. Thank you, Havi.
Interesting idea Claire…when I read what you wrote, it occurred to me that there are two levels to this whole self-identification question: one is the identity side, choosing to be proud or learning how to own your professional/personal identity — whether there’s a nice neat word like “photographer” to use or if you have to invent a description to capture all of it. But then there is the whole other side: what if telling people what you do is *not* the key to success? What if getting more people to know about your awesomeness didn’t have a whole lot to do with what you do but how you do it?
I don’t know, these are ideas I’m playing with too, since I don’t have a neat *thing* right now, more a constellation of bits that I try to knit together occasionally. And of course there is always the “do what’s comfortable” approach, in which case, mysterious sunglasses are ALWAYS helpful, for me at least 🙂
I’m in. I was already a member, I just didn’t know it yet 😉
An admirer told me last week in a message that I am “wonderfully enigmatic”. That’s all he said. Oh, and that he wished I’d have a nice day.
I think that could be our catch phrase or motto, or something.
Eyeliner= check
red lipstick= check
that look= check
parasol= need one!
red trench= check
Ohmygod, “Where in the world is Carmen San Diego!” (Complete with the theme song!) You say IWOM, I think her, and HELL YEAH who wouldn’t want to be Carmen San Diego? She was awesome.
I’m in.
‘I don’t have to know, explain or justify what I do. Unless I happen to feel like it.’
I LOVE this. And I feel a lot less angsty just reading that. I’m so in.
This is beautiful! I keep on trying to “nichify” myself, but I keep having all these great ideas that don’t-quite-fit into the niche. Or don’t fit at all. And then I end up not doing them, but thinking about them because I *want* to do them.
So I’m in! I have both black and purple eyeliner, for changes of mood. I have white, red, and Caribbean-multicolor feather boas. I have a black fedora. I have deep red lipstick. I just bought fab new high heels. I think I’ll just make sure there’s enough good gin for martinis in stock and see how it goes from there!
And, oh yeah, do something about those ideas I keep having.
Oh, I SO want to be part of IWOM. Because I hate trying to describe what I do.
On the other hand, I don’t feel like I’m mysterious. At. All.
In fact, I feel like I’m kind of the opposite of mysterious. Like incredibly dull.
I’m a custom software programmer. It is sort of mysterious for people who are afraid of computers, or who can’t imagine what custom software might mean for their business (which probably means they don’t need anyway.)
And I think it can be magical in that really good custom software allows you to enter some info and Presto! Changeo! your business life is awesome and better than it was before.
But perhaps I’m just not able to do do the mysterious part because I tend to be very concrete and direct. So I have trouble with being evasive and sneaky. I suck at it.
So perhaps I’ll decide that for me, IWOM means international woman of magic. Or marbles. Or madness. Yep, that’s me. Giving into the madness…
Ahhhh…isn’t there something depressing about having to limit ourselves to one neat soundbite, anyway?
I vacillate here. Sometimes I truly want to explain to them *what I do,* because I value clear communication. Muchly.
How can our people identify us if we can’t tell them what we offer?
BUT. It can also feel soul-sucking. And judgy. As you know. Playing with it…hmmm, how can I play with this AND still be clear? – Is what I’m working on now.
Glitter! I semi-recently left a position where I was very unhappy. Ironically, one of the rules there was NO GLITTER. My life needs glitter!
Oh. Eyeliner is good. Can it be any colour trench coat? 🙂
I’ve given up with a title; i’m an enchantress with wings who has many roles.
i discovered today that in reality, im an actress. i fulfil my roles with costumes [work uniform] and different nicknames and things..
I loved this post.
I don’t really care if I don’t have a real-world title; I love being able to wear different ones for different occasions. But it does make finding a living more difficult. If I can spend a little time with someone, they usually come to understand that I’m more of a dessert tray than a slice of cake or pie, but I don’t always have the option of conversation. And it makes me a hard sell for others. My friends and clients love me, but when they try to promote me to others, they can get stuck. Right now, I call myself a Design Thinker since that methodology comes closest to how I see myself, but “off-road thinker” or “MacGuyverist” might be better. I just can’t come up with an elevator speech. After reading this, I thought IWOM would be a great title, but now I’m thinking that I might answer the question of “What do you do?” with “What do you need?”
Hot sunglasses? Check. black leather sovereignty boots? check. Hot pink trench coat? oh yeah.
This IWOM thing could be fun. 🙂
Awesome!
I have always hated that question about what I do. When I was in the grad program that would not end, it always led the conversation to “so when will you graduate?” which made me feel like a loser for not knowing when.
When I had a boring office job, it meant that the first conversation I had with a new person made me sound (and feel) boring.
Then I was unemployed and had to say I was “between jobs” which is cliched and also leads to annoying sympathy and offers of leads on really horrible-sounding jobs.
Now I’m working on starting a business and I’m not really ready to talk about it confidently yet, and they are *still* asking.
I mean, who HAS a good answer to that? I guess if you do something perceived as prestigious, you can proudly say you are a surgeon or whatever…
Lining up for my badge. I’ve got the IWOM sunglasses already, and I’m definitely on board with more glitter, and possibly some feather hair doodad or something. I actually used this phrase recently in response to a Curious Person, but now I can’t remember the setting. I do remember that it was totally effective in derailing the (unwelcome) curiosity, though. IWOM I am! 🙂
oooh, seamed stockings YES! I am so in.
And an IWOM garter for some mystery layered under the mystery.
I’m in! When people ask me what I’m doing with my MFA, I’ll tell them I’m an IWOM. And I will definitely wear glitter.
Ooooh… Dark sunglasses. Red lipstick. A scarf (over the head or thrown across the shoulder). A garter belt in which to stash a super-secret IWOM weapon. And a wig. Definitely a wig.
I’m so there.
I am in.
Now just need to go talk to the monster who is yelling you can’t go around calling yourself an International Woman of Mystery! Who do you think you are?! and find out what’s up with that.
IWOM power-up! Sparkle, dazzle, pow!
I am SO in!
I’m ready to design the badge too. 🙂
Or get the fabulous Giulietta the Muse to design it for us.
Thank you for this.
xoxo
Jenna
Dahling, I AM an AWOM. Actually, a friend recently pointed out that I am doing myself a disservice by ruining the mystique for people. Because everyone loves that little thrill, the mystery, the adventure that lives nearby, and might one day sweep them up too! Now, who am I to deny people that, just so I seem ordinary and approachable, hmmm? Never again! I shall remain shrouded in a scarlet caper of mysterious derring-do!
*glee* I may have to add “IWOM” to my business cards. I printed a new batch a week ago, so they are due for a redesign.
I like the trenchcoat notion! And I want mirrored shades, sort of like Molly Millions 😀
This is great! Sure beats saying I am retired and trying to explain what I actually do that keeps me busy all the time.
Have new black aviator shades and dark lipstick. Definitely mysterious.
IWOM, I all in!
I work in an office and I have a job title, but it doesn’t begin to explain anything about what I do. Everyone in the office has their own ideas about what I do – mostly because I help each person in a different way with a different skill set.
I used to think that I was a “Jill of all trades, Mistress of none”, but being an IWOM is so much cooler! For now, I guess I’m running an undercover op. The office could not handle too much of the IWOM’s true identity.
Oh, wow, yes, me too!
AvonelleL: Software engineering is very mysterious to people who don’t know much about software. You’re already working in code!
I carry my journal with me a lot and I write in a way that no one else can read even though my writing is perfectly legible.
I have varied interests and people often ask me if I do/if I am… whatever goes with that interest.
One guy suggested this job description: Free Lance Do-Gooder.
Yes! The IWOM brigade! \o/ And the greatest thing about that, to me, is the realization that there are others out there, wearing the same IWOM badge and lipstick and sunglasses and trench coat, when I’m used to thinking that eeeeveryone else has things sorted in a neat, soundbite kind of way.
How cool would it be to have an IWOM crisis team on call? Kind of like a SWAT team but way, way cooler. A civilian (or a fellow IWOM) in need just has to sound a specific alarm that starts buzzers going in dozens of trench coat pockets around the world. And pow, zoom and whoosh, thirty minutes later the crisis is handled and everyone is back on track. <3
Thank you, Havi and everyone!
Motorbike, yes! Plus sidecar. For my LEOPARD.
Leopard! YESSSSSS.
I loved this post for many reasons (glitter!). But most of all because it made me think about my own process. As a Word Chef (marketing consultant/copywriter) I am keenly aware of the power of mystery — especially as it relates to attracting prospective customers. In fact, I often urge my clients to use mystery as an opening line when they’re out networking…precisely because it’s a conversation starter! If you don’t want to talk about what you do, the recipe for that is: be boring. When someone asks what you do, say the most mundane thing in the world and they will be glad to leave you alone. But be mysterious?! OMG. Now you’ve started something!
Another thought I had was this: the universe is in a constant state of flux, and by extension, so are we. You’re never the same person from minute to minute, so why even try???
Embrace your constantly evolving, mysterious self! AND the boatloads of glitter required to carry you through this life. Xoxo
Oh YES! IWOM is a career I can embrace!
@Claire: I was just thinking that spies have Cover Stories. So the bit you need to communicate can be a carefully crafted cover story, and the IWOM identity is supported/hidden by that?
The tricky part for me is that my red IWOM trenchcoat doesn’t go with my different-shade-of-red DMs.
Oooh! And eloquent, graceful gestures for dismissing things that you don’t want to respond to, “Ah, you know how it is, dahlink!” she murmured with a wave of her hand.
I just started a new career, after waitressing for 15 years, and it is depressing. I love what I do but not talking about it. I love working downtown, but not in a cubicle. Sooo, what’s really, really going on here? Am I really in a cubicle, or in a space module typing important, secret, and loving correspondence to other modules in my group? It’s so sad that we breathe different air so cannot come together but once a month,in a special room with special air that we can all breathe for an hour. In the meantime we make due and are happy to see each other when we can.
I wear clothes that look drab and as much like others as I can, but I know and they know that I’m really wearing black fishnets with the seam up the back, incredible boots, a slip or something flouncy, and fake eyelashes. I am an intergallactic woman of mystery. I see David Bowie on the street from time to time and we hold a long stare and keep walking.
It’s funny. I never thought that much about the question “What do you do?” until I started teaching ESL a couple of years ago. My non-native English speakers universally find this question strange and confusing, regardless of what country they come from. It was only until I looked at it from their perspective, translated literally word by word, that I realized what a strange question it is.
“What do you do?”
“Well, I cook dinner, watch TV, file papers, enter numbers in spread sheets, make phone calls, play tennis, etc., etc.”
“No, what is your job title? That’s the expected answer to the question. I’m a teacher. What do you do?”
“Oh. But that’s not what the question asks.”
“Yes, but that’s what it means.”
They find it very confusing since the verb in the question is “do”, but the verb in the expected answer is “am”. The questions seems to ask about activities, but the answer focuses on job title or social role. Plus, in a lot of cultures, work is just not a common small talk topic, and this isn’t the question you would ask (in any form) right off the bat when you met a new person. Also, I taught a lot of unemployed students, and they thought it was weird that they were still expected to answer the question with a job title when they didn’t have one. I tried to explain that Teacher or Banker or Construction Worker was still one’s profession even if one wasn’t currently employed, but they just didn’t seem to see that as an enduring identity outside of particular employment.
Analyzing the question in this way made me think a lot about the way English speakers generally, and Americans in particular, create and discuss our identity and our work.
@VickyB: OMG – “already working in code”…that is SO TRUE! That is awesome!
Thanks for reminding me. I will now start digging for a trenchcoat. Watch out world, another IWOM on the way!
Jesse & Caroline: Those are good points. Even “photographer” is loaded as a descriptor since there are so many varieties, and I’m not sure it contains all that I want to do, y’know? But it is easier to say than my previous vague stutterings. It lets me dispense with the job query portion of the conversation faster.
In some ways, it’s actually like the cover story that Caroline suggested. I like thinking of it that way.
I loved this post! Mainly because I get this question a lot too, and I just start to overwhelm people.
I say something like, “Well, I’m an author. I wrote a book called the Wild Woman’s Guide to Fundraising. I also do fundraising for nonprofits. I also do more than that, I do speaking engagements and webinars and help nonprofits with strategic planning, management, board training, etc. And I have a blog. Check it out, wildwomanfundraising.com. (so far so good)
ALSO ALSO, I have another company called Treyz Social Media, and I teach people and companies how to use social media to get more clients and kudos and cash! And I am writing a new book about social media! called 3-D reputation engine! (This is where their eyes start to glaze over)
And I’m the social media strategist for a website called Common Tastes!
And I give Destiny Card readings!
And I teach Encaustic art classes!
And I write poetry!
And ALSO, hey where are you going?
You see? I have such a hard time being ONE FACET of myself in conversation, that I usually just wave my hand and say, “I’m doing a lot of things.”
It’s sort of the same when people ask me if I have a spiritual practice. I just sort of have to shrug, because where could I begin? I’ve done so many things!
Anyway just trying to say, Havi, I can TOTALLY relate.
Peace,
Mazarine
Hmm, so earlier I was thinking the IWOM response would make me uncomfortable, but I think I’d be just as likely to respond with amusement and curiosity (which could be the opposite of what’s wanted, but better that being put off).
And when Sarah explained how odd the “what do you do” question sometimes seems to people from other cultures, I realized I want to notice more about how I perceive work and identity. I want to see how many other things I can ask about and notice without talking about work when I meet people or go out with friends. As an experiment. For example, I decided not to type “I want to do a better JOB at noticing…”
And *I* want something to say when I don’t feel like saying what I “do.” I want it to be gracious. Short-but-not-diminutive. Fun. Definitive-so-we-don’t-have-to-keep-talking-about-it. Then change the subject.
Hmmm.
I loved this post, and loved even more the discussion that ensued. I believe this may be my first comment on this blog, maybe not. That’s how much I love this post.
I’m with many people here, in that I still don’t have my toe on what on earth my business – or role – or identity might be. Having just moved across the world recently, I’ve now reached another point where EVERYONE I meet asks me what I do, and I’m not ready to yet try to explain that I spend a lot of time wondering that myself. I tell them sometimes that I’m an artist and writer.
Not recommended. They then ask me to prove it.
When I was working full time not long ago, it was as a Software Test Manager. I had built up a successful career in management in I.T. for two decades. Yet, when it came to answering that question again, I got used to the dazed expressions which greeted me on telling them I was a test manager. Rather than try to explain it more, I soon started making up a new career – I told everybody I was a truck driver.
Not sure if the fact they readily accepted this for me was a compliment or otherwise.
I understand the comments on here from people who do ask the question of others. I never do, and sometimes that, too, comes across as a little bit of disinterest, which is not the case.
I really want to be Carmen Sandiego, although baulk at all the makeup. But most of all, I’d love to find acceptance in a community like this one, with an IWOM badge of honour, and one of those slick raincoats which can hide all sorts of things (and my middle-age spread).