So. I scribble a running List of Useful Stuff whenever my duck and I are teaching a program. 40% journal. 60% strategizing tool.
We use the same basic breakdown as in the Friday Chicken of dividing stuff into the hard and the good, so I know what to do differently next time … and what was an accidental stroke of genius.
I shared one of these lists with you guys after the North Carolina Wacky Brain Training Weekend.
And I’m doing it again. This time with my Kitchen Table program.
And in case you missed my love letter a couple weeks ago, I love the Kitchen Table. Madly. But I still have a list. A useful one.
Important disclaimer:
This post is not even slightly a “hey, you should sign up for it” thing because ew. Also because I already have 70 people on the damn waiting list, which is plenty.
Most of the people who joined in 2009 are staying, so I don’t even know if the waiting-list-ers are going to get in this year.
So this post is a way for me to process what I’ve learned from running this program for a year. And to help you learn from some of my dumbass-but-well-intentioned mistakes, in case you ever want to do something like this yourself.
Things I’m going to keep doing because they were outrageously great!
Being clear about this only being a place for my right people.
I was very careful about who I let in, and the few mistakes at the beginning quickly sorted themselves out.
Having people apply to get in was part of it. But a big part was that my Right People are awesome. Whatever magic thing allows me to curate fabulousness resulted in the best group I’ve ever worked with.
The group leaders.
Having small groups where people could work on their stuff without having to do it right in front of everyone was super helpful.
Not everyone used them, but the people who did got crazy support.
And the people I chose to group-lead were (and are) terrific. Watching them biggify through the process of being in this biggified position has been amazing.
Pretty much all of them have grown their businesses like mad this year. The fact that the Kitchen Table has been a part of that makes me happy!
Underpromising and overdelivering.
That’s pretty much always a smart thing to do in business, but Selma and I took this to a completely different level.
We promised two calls a month, but threw in bonus calls and visiting experts all over the place.
We sent presents. We created a manual. We got responsive tech support.
We biggified people. We brainstormed ways to make monies. I comped them into Fluent Self classes.
Within a month, there was already a forum thread called “If the Kitchen Table ended tomorrow, it would still have been totally worth the money and more”. Fabulous.
Adding requirements.
For the new people in both the second and third quarters, I added requirements for getting in.
Having requirements = yay. Having relevant requirements = even better.
Mine made sure people would already be familiar with basic concepts, and were committed to clear, compassionate communication.
The chatroom.
At the time — when launching this was the most complicated, expensive thing I’d ever done — I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend even more money for bells and whistles.
Turns out adding the chatroom was the best thing in the entire world.
It’s where we get goofy while on the calls. This is where we come up with product ideas for each other. This is where madcap biggified joint ventures get born, where we problem-solve and dissolve into hilarity, and where we love each other up!
Spending lots of time on communication stuff.
We’ll be doing an entire quarter on that this coming year. But the result of all the work we put in on this is beautiful, beautiful clarity.
People ask for exactly what they need and how they need it. It’s just really clean.
Having a place to whine where no one is going to judge you for whining.
Oh, the genius that is CrankyPants McGrumbleBug’s Kvetchtastic Whine Bar.
People get to have their hard and receive acknowledgment, without having to take advice or try to fix anything. Huge.
Letting people have their own experience and not try to dictate it for them.
It’s something everybody has learned. And it’s good stuff. Important stuff.
And a few things I’m totally going to do differently next time.
Thinking I was starting a “membership site” program.
Hahahaha. Boy, was I ever wrong.
Okay. Admittedly the Table turned out to be something way better. It turned out to be a real community, where people genuinely take care of themselves and each other.
It’s like nothing else I’ve ever been a part of.
But, because of that, it’s a small intimate space that takes a lot of work. And to stay that amazing, it needs to remain small and intimate.
It took me a while to make peace with that, and to stop thinking of it as “this amazing thing that isn’t a money-generating-thing and needs to become one”.
Everything got better when I started realizing that what I had created was the best place in the entire world, and that the Kitcheners are actively demonstrating the power of everything I teach.
That will keep my business supported.
At some point I will create something else that’s more like a membership site – a place that can actually grow, but I’m viewing the Table as a magical, contained, safe place to nurture ideas and projects with an extraordinary community of smart-as-hell goofballs.
Hugely underestimating … everything.
Having no idea how active the Table was going to become, I worried about all the wrong things.
Like, what if no one talks in the forum boards?
Hilarious. My people are vocal. And smart. And have a lot to say. I quickly realized the physical impossibility (what with only 24 hours in a day and everything) of actually answering more than a small percentage.
So I read everything that goes up. But I gave everyone else permission to not have to. Because it’s crazy.
The Beta group. What a disaster.
Honestly? I had a beta group because it’s what everyone does.
Not enough thought went into this. And what did was fear-based — not very useful. I will not do this again.
My plan had been twofold: 1) to have the forum already active so that when new people came in it wouldn’t be all awkward and weird, and 2) to use the Beta-ers as a pool to take Group Leaders from.
Right. Of the 12 people in the Beta Group, only two ended up being really active at the Table, and none of them ended up being Group Leaders.
Instead, I had plenty of great leaders to choose from those who paid to get in.
Payments.
People begged to be able to split up the tuition. And from having been that person who couldn’t afford anything for so many years, I have a soft spot the size of California.
Smart Business Savant Me knows that if you let people pay monthly, they think of it as a monthly thing.
Which it isn’t. It’s a sum experience. It’s not just the group — it’s the library of the calls, it’s the classes, it’s the discounts, it’s having all those people actively biggifying you. It’s being part of an incredibly unusual thing.
I can’t say I regret making exceptions, because some of the astonishing biggification success stories at the Table have come from people I agreed to let make payments.
But the thing I was worried about happened, too. Some people treated the Kitchen Table like a magazine subscription. That’s not going to happen again.
Underestimating costs and not charging nearly enough.
There were months where I was paying over $6,000 to just one of my assistants.
Different people paying different amounts at different times and with different start dates got really hard to track.
It also took a while to train the Kitcheners to bring their issues to the Table instead of bringing them to someone who gets paid by the hour.
Not to mention unexpectednesses like hiring tech people who couldn’t finish what they started and then having to move the whole thing to its own server because it was slowing down my other sites …
Admin costs, tech costs, time costs and emotional costs were just huge.
Obviously it was totally, totally worth it because it’s the best thing I’ve ever created and I am one proud momma, believe you me.
But ow.
Especially since I hadn’t yet discovered that it was going to have to stay small to stay cool.
On the other hand, I didn’t know what unbelievably inspiring things people were going to get from it. Which brings us to …
The SURPRISES
Where to begin?
The popcorn effect, where people started leaving their hated day jobs and biggifying their own thing?
Maybe watching people go from being terrified of even having a website to having popular blogs with prestigious biggified guest-blogging gigs.
These amazing people creating products, starting programs with each other, working through their stuff, getting over debilitating fears, growing into their own skins.
People coming to work on one set of problems, and then healing family stuck, body image stuck, relationship stuck, biggification stuck all at the same time. Crazy.
And the love. I had no idea how fiercely loyal people would become about helping each other through anything and everything.
Hell, I had no idea it was going to be like this. I am in awe.
Going to end this now.
I have lots more to say but this is already the longest post in the entire world, even for me.
So I’ll just say that this has been the biggest, hardest, most rewarding learning experience of my life.* And I’m weirdly happy about doing it for another year.
* And not in the “wow, surviving that avalanche was quite a … uh … learning experience” sense either.
Comment zen for today.
What I can do without: criticism, judgment, shoulds, advice.
What would be delightful: things you’ve learned (hard and/or good) from putting on a show or teaching a program, stuff you’re thinking about, things like that. 🙂
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Kitcheners, huh? Hey, if you started a virtual knitting circle, it could be the Kitchener Stitchers. Which would be really funny to the knitters. To you, probably not so much.
Robynn, that would be very funny to the knitters.
Havi, I love hearing about this magic place you’ve created, even while knowing I might never get to see it with my own eyes (I’m not on the waiting list, I don’t even have something to biggify, I’m still trying to get a grasp on the communication books you use). It sounds like being there would be scary and wonderful at the same time, but I like knowing that it’s there quietly changing the world we all live in. Thank you.
.-= Darcy´s last post … Day 17: Writing while in pain =-.
I’m so glad your Kitchen table is working out so well for you, even with big, hard lessons. 🙂 Even though I’m not on the waiting list, and probably won’t be for a while (Naomi’s more than enough for me to keep up with right now!), the list is extremely helpful, if only because I can see some of the issues that might come up as I think about certain SCARILY biggified plans of mine…
@Robynn– I’m sure it would be very funny to the knitters! And it would ESPECIALLY be funny to the knitters from Kitchener, ON, but then again, they probably already have a Kitchener Knitters group… [of course, it’s just ONE guy…].
I’m in a strange mood today. Probably due to items! being yesterday instead of today — completely discombobulated!
.-= G. Romilly´s last post … No Dancing or Stitching Zombies Allowed… =-.
I love this Havi. I love the Kitchen Table. (And I love Selma too. Hi Selma!)
Being a part of the Table has been one of the very best experiences I’ve ever had. It’s like this magic place where all kinds of amazing happens. On so many different levels.
I never expected it would be like this either. But I’m a thousand kinds of glad it is. And I’m kooky grateful to be there.
This year. Next year. Pretty much every year that it’s around. I’ll be there.
Thanks for creating this space. That’s reason #324,219 that I adore you.
I am used to being on waiting lists, like for Art Quilt Network, which took me five years to get into. But in the interim I worked on my stuff and kept entering shows, etc, so that by the time I got in I was able to enjoy membership that much more.
I think that the Kitchen Table may be the same way. I am on the wait list, but I already have my Dissolve Procrastination kit and picked up Non Violent Communication last week, and so even if I don’t make it in this time, I will be so much further along with my biggification than if I hadn’t tried. (Not that I’m not going to try, just saying that waiting for the Kitchen is already helping me!) 🙂
.-= Andi´s last post … Painting, A Love Story =-.
The Kitchen Table sounds like a wonderful place to be! The popcorn effect: brilliant! Now I want to have some. Literally and figuratively.
@Robynn: kitchener stitch? Ack! Very useful, but also very avoidance inducing (in my neck of the woods). Still learning, still learning.
Andi, I love what you said!! I love the assurance in it. And, that feeling that you’ll be in at the right time.
You’re absolutely right. I’m seeing it the same way … I’m on that waiting list, too. And, when I’m meant to join the Table, that door will open — so, for now, my work is to have my experiences, and try things, and get stuck and get unstuck … and just generally work to prepare myself in the meantime, for any and all doors that open! So, I’m ready 🙂
Thanks Havi — much love for what you’re doing here — and gratitude for the openness in the way you share your process. I learn so much because you honestly show the goods, the not-so-goods, and the magic. Thanks.
.-= Sarah Tieck´s last post … Photo Inspiration #6: Birds! =-.
Hmmm, just thinking about the word Kitchener and how much it’s like Chickener and enjoying that little play on words…
And yes, I love how Andi put this too. Just being on the waiting list makes me feel like I’m already actively part of…something…
And even this space here that you’ve created with your blog and the amazingly brilliant people who show up in the comments? I can say that just touching it in this small way has changed me. For the better.
Thank you for that. Thank you a million times.
.-= Emily´s last post … Repeat After Me: My Body Is Not My Enemy =-.
Kudos to realizing that some things need to stay small and intimate. I have been part of a few groups that I felt special in, but then the need to uber biggify overtook and once again I felt lost in the mix. Having a mix of different sized groups allows an array of different learning, sensing, growing, relating styles to be met.
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last post … Holidays are Coming! Maxwell’s Maxims for Entertaining =-.
It sounds wonderful – for everyone in there, and even for those who are not – because there is the ripple effect you know. And more people biggifying and doing their thing is good for all of us.
.-= Elizabeth Halt´s last post … love makes you do wacky things =-.
Since I’m (finally) finishing up the final lessons on my own membership site, I have things to contribute! Yay me!
What I’ve learned, the hard:
–That I was really, really right when I said I needed a partner/assistant to handle day to day STUFF and cover for me when I temporarily freak out. That I was right when I anticipated that I would freak out and shut down. That I was wrong to ignore those right ideas, because I did freak out and shut down.
–That *things* always take longer than I expect. That I’m lousy at doing “quick and simplified”. That getting people to participate on a forum can take a LOT of effort.
–That when you start a community about improving your brain, you should expect to wind up with people who have *real* trouble with their brains, and who truly want to do the *thing*, but won’t be able to keep up or follow directions. I need a velvet rope there, but I’m not sure what form it could be.
What I’ve learned, the good:
–That people are really, really forgiving when they like you and value your *thing*.
–That freaking out and shutting down doesn’t have to mean shutting down the *thing*
-That I can recover from a meltdown shut-down freak out.
–That my instincts are good, and I should follow them.
–That I like prettifying, layouting, and fancy-upping a LOT.
–That this *thing* can work. No, really. It can!
Things I’m Thinking:
–After reading this post, I’m thinking that the “community” part of my *thing* needs to be either more or less exclusive.
–I really, really want to sit at a Kitchen Table. Whether it’s Havi’s, or …?
–Since we can’t all be at Havi’s table, maybe Havi will release info on how she does it, the rules and standards that keep the right-flow-of-non-judgemental-support there. Maybe the idea will spread, and we’ll wind up with a dozen different kitchen table communities? How ducking cool would THAT be?
–That this is really, really long for a comment and I don’t care! 😉
.-= Tori Deaux´s last post … Echo Poems: The Return of The Weekly Tweak =-.
Hey guys! Thanks for all the good stuff you’re adding to this.
And Kitchener Stitchers? Hilarious.
We are actually kind of overrun by knitters there, though that’s really more because two or three people just talked everyone else there into taking it up. Highly entertaining.
@Tori – thanks for the insights – super helpful!
Ha! I love that there are enough knitters-who-are-also-Havi’s-right-people that the FIRST comment is a knitter! We’re taking over the Table, baby!
I love the Table for a gillion reasons, but maybe MOST for the other people and for the space to be ourselves, whether grumbly, yay-y or I-need-help-y!
.-= Tara´s last post … Win a Learn to Knit Kit – help me name it! =-.
Havi, the Kitchen Table is one of those magical places that holds, nurtures and grows genius and community in a truly loving, organic way. I love being part of it.
I love hanging out with outrageously bright, creative, articulate, independent people. All of whom are committed to growing themselves and their work in the world, to expanding their vision of what’s possible, and to loving and supporting the best in each other.
Thank you for leading the way. Thanks for creating these containers–here at your blog; at the Kitchen Table; in your classes and program–where magic happens with so much kindness and hilarity.
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Shining Up That Crown =-.
Really, really looking forward to being part of this group when it’s my time. It sounds like an awesome entity, rare and special.
And thank you for sharing all your Useful Stuff – I nod and file it away for future reference.
.-= Amna´s last post … Germinational: "I hope in 50 years this country is not a colony of China." -my dental hygienist this a.m., re: our national debt. =-.
I thought the kitchen table was really a kitchen table.
And I like the phrase “Curate Fabulousness”.
.-= Bridget´s last post … Na-No-Intuit-Mo: Using your intuition to get clear on your fear =-.
Hooray!
I’ve heard so many good things about it, and have been proud to contribute in a tiny way by moving it to its current home on the new server.
Here’s to another year of insights and mad biggification!
Long live the Table!
.-= Charlotte´s last post … IE6, Why It Must Die, and What You (Yes, you!) Can Do About It =-.
I’m yet another one of those on the waiting list, and I really hope I’ll be able to pull up a chair at the Table when it opens next. It seems to be so totally what I need… but, at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if I’m dealing with too much stucknesses to be able to take it all in. I’m kind of oscillating between feeling that it’d help me a lot in getting unstuck, and fearing that I’m so far gone into stuckdom, and needing this thing so badly, that I won’t be able to make use of it. Hard. So, so hard. Anyone has a hug for me? I think I need one.
.-= Josiane´s last post … Noticing – the dragonfly edition =-.
There is definitely a crazy-resonance between Havi and knitters, yes?* I found out about Fluent Self from one knitter, then realized all these other knitters I already knew about from the internet or Ravelry were already Havi folks. And of COURSE Kitchener Knitters would be encouraging everyone else to take up knitting too…
*also I’m sure this exists between Havi and lots-of-other-arbitrary-groups; it’s just that, as a member of the online knitting clan I see a strong connection there.
@emilylime – ha! It’s because I obsess over and fetishize anyone with the magic powers to make me socks! 🙂
Plus I love anything craft-ey.
@Josiane – Big, big, big hug. Hug! Big! And yeah, overwhelmed by stucknesses means you’ll be in really good company. At any given time half of us are falling apart, and it’s very reassuring to be around people who get that and aren’t impressed one way or the other, you know?
Mmmmm. Socks.
Havi,
This is such a beautiful, thought-provoking post. And as usual, so many of the things you’ve learned can be used for things not directly related to a community site.
The beta group in particular reminded me that sometimes extra preparation is not the best way. Often, just taking the first steps that feel right to you makes the most sense.
I am so honoured to be part of this awesomest place in the world and thank you from the bottom of my heart for creating it.
.-= Lynn´s last post … uncommon_sense: @withoutayard Ah yes, the newest tech affliction Twourettes! Alongside Blackberry thumbosis. =-.
Yay Kitchener Stitchers! That made me smile.
I agree with several other folks that just being on the Kitchen Table waiting list has been helpful. It pushed me to pick up a copy of Nonviolent Communication and really ask myself a lot of good questions and do a lot of observing while I work through the book.
Of course I was planning to get around to reading the book eventually one day when I had time, but now I’m actually reading the book! Life is about what you make time for.
.-= Serendipity´s last post … Funky Fuschia Scarf =-.
@Josiane – Havi is right – it’s so helpful to be around people who get the whole “overwhelmed by stuck” thing and can offer support in whatever way you need. I felt completely stuck when I got there, too. Big hugs to you, because it is so, so hard to feel that way.
@Havi – Thank you so much for creating such a magical place. I had gone as far as I could with business knowledge, but I was still stuck when it came to starting my business. But the awesomeness of the Kitchen Table allowed me to find the right balance of meeting myself where I was and interacting with my blocks so that I could move forward. And being surrounded by so many awesome people? Priceless. Looking back, I realize that part of why I was afraid to be a coach was because I didn’t really have a role model for the kind of coach I’d want to be. By teaching me what I needed to learn, you also helped me understand what and how I need to teach.
.-= Victoria Brouhard´s last post … Quitting the Man: 20 Days Since Freedom =-.
@Victoria: Thank you for the hugs and the kind words! Considering where you are now, it’s reassuring and inspiring to know that you started from where I am now.
@Havi: A huge hug to you too. You’re the sweetest! Is it wrong that your use of the future and not the conditional made me feel really happy inside? It gave me hope that there may be a place for me there, no matter what. Thank you!
.-= Josiane´s last post … Noticing – the dragonfly edition =-.
@Josiane — “It seems to be so totally what I need… but, at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if I’m dealing with too much stucknesses to be able to take it all in. I’m kind of oscillating between feeling that it’d help me a lot in getting unstuck, and fearing that I’m so far gone into stuckdom, and needing this thing so badly, that I won’t be able to make use of it.”
That’s exactly how I feel. I would love to be part of the magic that is the Kitchen Table, but part of me is also wondering if I have enough stability in my life right now to get the most out of it, you know? I mean, how do you know if you’re too much of a complete wreck to be starting a big new thing, even if it is a potentially amazingly helpful big new thing? Ha ha, Havi should write a guide to how to know if you’re too messed up for the Kitchen Table.
I guess if I get in when it opens I’ll take it as a sign that it’s time, and if not I’ll have a year to work on other cool things like NVC and Shiva Nata and then try again in 2011. (((Hugs))) for all your hard & stuckness!
.-= Serendipity´s last post … Funky Fuschia Scarf =-.
Josiane, **hugs and more hugs***…
The thing about love (and the Kitchen Table) is, you don’t have to reach some (imaginary) level of unstuckness to belong. You belong because you’re loved, and you’re loved because you are.
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Shining Up That Crown =-.
here here. Sometimes extra prep is not the way to go!
.-= aaron shaw phd´s last post … Baby Animal of the Day! Kiwi! =-.
BIG insights here for me as I think of creating the Kindness Community. Right now it’s making me think “I’m not ready!” Which may or may not be true. Will give it time to percolate and not put start deadlines on myself.
…am also thinking I should have slipped in through the last-minute screen door to the kitchen before it closed last time.
Looks like I’m surrounded by lots of good company in the waiting room.
Hiro, I love: “You belong because you’re loved, and you’re loved because you are.” Is that too long for a tee shirt?
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Tender Edges of Your Heart =-.
Hm. Well, since I broke my hand two years ago it hurts too much to knit, so perhaps I don’t belong at the Table. I wish I could knit, though. I just found out my probable future daughter-in-law loves soft smooshy scarves.
.-= Carol Logan Newbill´s last post … Two Great Ways to Send Your Readers Fleeing into the Night =-.
Congratulations to you, Havi, and to everyone who has gathered around the Kitchen Table! Sounds as if it’s been quite a feast so far, and a glorrrrrious year.
I also agree with Elizabeth about the ripple effect. All along the Internet, for example, I keep seeing glimmers of Kitcheners biggifying themselves and each other, step by step, in grand gestures and in five minute love pats. That kind of thing is a model and an inspiration to us all. What you’re cooking in the Kitchen smells delicious, and we all get fed!
.-= spiralsongkat´s last post … Blogging in the dark =-.
This is so great, great to hear about what really works & doesn’t, vs. theories.
Is it horribly nosy to ask how big the group is? I’m interested in the dynamics of how many people you can realistically create a good sense of community gel with … lively but not insane. Or at least not insane in a bad way.
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
The NC workshop was so incredibly helpful and validating and mind-blowing that I signed up for the Kitchen Table wait list despite the usual thoughts of vast inadequacy (go me!). The idea of having that kind of support ongoing is overwhelming in a good way 🙂 And I will wait my turn and pay in full, cause I know it’ll be worth it.
[[Hug!]]
More hugs for Josiane, who articulated pretty much exactly how I feel about the Kitchen Table.
I’ll be over in the corner, whimpering a bit and trying to sound as though I’m not.
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain (@leannich)´s last post … Lace Shawl in Progress =-.
@Serendipity and Lean: There are times when being told “you’re not alone” really isn’t helpful at all, but this is *not* one of them… Thanks to both of you – knowing that you are also feeling the way I was when I wrote that yesterday helped me feel better. I hope we’ll have the opportunity to hang out together at the Kitchen Table next year! Until then, big hugs right back at you. 🙂
@Hiro: I was truly touched by your wonderful words. Thank you very much for taking the time to share some of your comforting wisdom with me!
.-= Josiane´s last post … Noticing – the dragonfly edition =-.