Seriously. Don’t say this.
I have one point today. And I’m going to hammer it in until you’re sick of it. And until you never say these three words again. Because this is so incredibly important.
Shameless. Self. Promotion.
Every single time I interrupt what I’m talking about to parenthetically insert the words “shameless self-promotion”, I’m making it all about me when it’s really about you.
Which is so not fair to you.
The world’s worst doctor.
Pretend for a minute that your friend just found out she has skin cancer. Tfu tfu tfu, god forbid, may it never happen, etc. But let’s pretend.
You go with her to the doctor’s office, because you’re a really great friend. Your friend is feeling distraught, and is desperate to know how quickly she can take care of this thing. You squeeze her hand.
Your friend: “I’m kind of freaking out here. What are our options?”
The doctor: “Well, there is a procedure, but — oh god, this is so embarrassing, I’m such a whore for even mentioning this — we do a thing here at the hospital that has a — total shameless self-promotion here — 99% success rate. You probably don’t want to hear about it.”
Your friend: “No, tell me! I want to live! It’s cancer!”
The doctor: “Okay, well, it’s this thing we do that — shameless plug for my own services — takes three hours and then you’re fine. It — I’m sorry — can be kind of expensive sometimes though. So you’re probably not interested and I totally understand.”
Your friend: “No, I am!”
The doctor: “You know, if it were up to me, I’d never take money for this because really I just want to help people. But you know how it is, I have to make rent and stuff. I shouldn’t even have brought it up.”
THE POINT: Don’t be this guy.
Whatever it is that you do, it helps someone.
Your art or your music or your life coaching may not cure cancer, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not vital and necessary to the people who really need it.
Your Right People.
You make something beautiful that eases someone’s pain. Or reminds them who they really are.
You listen to their hurts and witness their experiences. You give them what they need in the moment that they need it most.
You make them laugh.
The specifics don’t matter. Your Right People need whatever it is you have in whatever form you give it. It’s not fair to them when you shift the attention from their pain to your discomfort around mentioning the fact that you can help.
THE POINT: It’s not fair to make it about your discomfort when they’re the ones who need you to help them with their discomfort.
What’s really going on here.
I get that you don’t want to be all “me me me”.
I get the embarrassment and the “What if they think I’m an ass?”-ness of it all. So yeah, of course we have make an awkward joke about how embarrassing it is.
Problem is, now the focus is on us and not them. The irony is that it’s actually more “me me me” to ramble on about how shameless it is than it is to just tell them what you do that might help.
Your intention? Completely honorable. You want to make it clear that you’re not an ass, and you aren’t.
But in practice… I don’t know how to say this in a way that’s not obnoxious, so I’ll just say it.
You just (accidentally) came across as a total ass.
Yes, it’s unfair. I know. It’s just that we all need a better way to not come across as an ass.
And the way to do that is to focus on the other person’s pain and the other person’s problems, and not on how awkward we feel about the fact that we might have a possible solution.
THE POINT: When you mention the thing you do, it’s not talking about the thing, it’s brainstorming solutions.
Stop implying that telling me how you can help is shameful.
Someone who’s a total ass is going to be a total ass, regardless of whether or not he apologizes for it.
It’s not like you’re going around yelling “buy, buy, buy!” or telling me in the middle of a chatty conversation that prices go up on Tuesday and I should “act now — before it’s too late to save 50% off!”
All you’re doing is telling me more about the thing that can help me. Putting a link in your sidebar to a product I might find useful — especially if it’s yours — is just a nice, considerate thing to do. That way I don’t have to look for it.
But when you insert the requisite “look how obnoxious I am” bit, you’re making everybody uncomfortable. And every time you imply that helping me is something to be embarrassed about, we all lose.
THE POINT: There is nothing to be ashamed of but shame itself. And even that? Completely unnecessary.
Always on my mind.
I just spent four days talking to some of the most smart, interesting, creative and reassuringly wacky people ever. Entrepreneurs, writers, musicians, and helper mice.
People with good hearts. People with something important to share with the world. Sometimes with something important to share with me.
And instead of just sharing it, we all manage to screw it up. Not by being embarrassed, but by making that the focus.
When our discomfort comes up, it’s there for a reason. We can talk to it. We can acknowledge it. We can do stuff to work with it and destuckify it.
But it’s not fair to pass it on — even unintentionally — to the people we’re trying to help.
Sneezing shame and embarrassment and self-loathing … I know it sounds very sexy, but it’s not.
So I’d love it if we could take the “shameless” out of shameless self-promotion. And the “self”. And the “promotion”.
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HA! That illustration with the doctor cracked me up, but it also made it abundantly clear how the whole “shameless self promotion” stuff is so unhelpful, self-defeating, and well, annoying. Great post, Havi. Thank you!
leahs last blog post..Dream Boxes and Finding the Light in Your Darkness
Ok, wow, I don’t even know how you were in my head this morning, because I woke up thinking about how I needed to promote myself to offer a certain service that I’m good at, and the words which kept ringing in my head were (drumroll) Shameless Self Promotion!
It made me feel all icky. You just took the “ick” completely away. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
thedailyredheads last blog post..Having Kids is No Excuse for Bad Manners
Thanks for this wonderful reminder, Havi, that we’re here to serve our Right People, not to burden them with our self-consciousness. It really is all about them. Yes!
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Creative Connection: Where’s Your Muse When the Baby’s Spitting Up at 3 am?
I really appreciated Seth’s mindest shift from self-promotion with all it’s negative connotations to promoting my art, promoting what it will do for an owner. You’re taking it a step further. I like it.
Peace.
@vinylart
Guilty as charged.
Maybe not so effusively, but guilty nonetheless.
And I get that I need to stop apologizing for what I do. I do!
I also wish there weren’t still so many people out there hucksterizing, because I do feel like part of what I’m doing is apologizing for that. And for my 20 years in the advertising industry (especially the 10+ years writing the damned things. Sorry. Really, really sorry, folks.)
And I also get that some people are really just telling people what they do, and those people do it well, and they offer this valuable service. The hucksterizing, though–when people are selling/pimping/pushing something to make dough, not because it’s that Thing They Do Better Than Anyone and Must Do, Period–that gets to me.
the communicatrixs last blog post..Lessons from SXSW, Part 2: You be you be you
Oh wow, you’ve effectively just steered me away from some giant potholes in the road ahead of me. Thank you, as always, for saying exactly the right thing, in the right way, at the right time.
Emma Newmans last blog post..Grounds for divorce?
Oh god. I’ve been told!
This is me. All the time. I am that doctor. I may have to print out that conversation and tape it to my forehead so I don’t forget.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this.
Sarah Marie Lacys last blog post..Never, ever, ever, ever, give up.
“… such a whore…”
Ummm, should I worry or feel proud that I immediately thought you were talking to *me* because I used that exact phrase in a self-promotional tweet?
Consider the lesson administered, teacher lady.
Amy H.s last blog post..Things that don’t go as planned
Thank you.
So, when I finally write a letter to this local publication with useful information but not-so-great format, I should just tell them I can help them make the information more useful without apologizing to them for what I have to offer along the way. Got it.
You know, you and Naomi should sign on for one of those tag-team pro wrestling gigs. Serious One-Two punches you guys are giving today.
“O wonderful, wonderful, most wonderful wonderful, and yet
again wonderful, and after that, out of all whooping!”
christys last blog post..Bringing Definition to Uncertainty
Very refreshing and necessary. Also interesting to note is how often the word ‘shameless’ is used to describe women. I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever heard the word being used to describe a man. Bold, maybe. Ballsy. But shameless? No.
Kelly Watsons last blog post..To Hype, or Not To Hype?
Ah, focus shifting. I have a friend who was telling her minister how painful it was to begin hating her husband who has Alzheimer’s Disease. The minister (no doubt intending to be helpful), said “I can’t imagine how painful that must be. And the thing about Alzheimer’s is that it can happen to anyone. I could get it, and my wife would end up hating me!”
Needless to say, not a lot of comfort to my friend.
Jean Gogolins last blog post..10 Steps To Doing a Kick-Ass Interview
Wow, thank you. I think this has to wiggle around in my head some more before it really starts to take root, but thank you for starting that wiggling process!
I would connect this idea with apologizing when someone compliments or thanks you for something you did. I had someone call me on that one a few years ago.
True humility is not becoming invisible, but being simply ourselves as we live our being through our doing.
Thanks, Havi, for the reminder.
I think that some people struggle with the self-promo shame (self included) because of stuff we see on Twitter and some blog posts.
There’s so much conflict and opinion about deep, deep stuff like, “Should I use Twitter to promote my blog post?” or “That guy’s just promoting himself; it’s about a conversation, dude!”
Oy vey, it starts messing with your head. You would have to be fantastically confident to even start to feel okay with it.
One day someone like Chris Brogan suggests that Twitter is about a conversation, not selling stuff. Suddenly everyone is pointing fingers at fellow Twitterers, “He’s selling! Run away!” It’s a feeding frenzy.
It’s hard to read between the lines that Chris is talking about the salesy people who never contribute anything other than a pitch. C’mon – you know who they are. If you’re worried about it at all, you’re not one of them.
The web can be so bipolar and manic depressive. It’s a humongous conflict pendulum for business people.
So it gets scary. Nobody wants to be “that guy.” People start questioning themselves at every tweet.
*peeks head out of hole in ground* “Is it okay to talk about Oprah again?”
You say, “Right People” and “Help them.” That’s the ticket, right there. And now I have to think of something to say about Oprah.
Mr. Firepantss last blog post..Are you awesome? Really? The Power of Feedback
I hadn’t been thinking of one specific person or anything — apparently I accidentally ended up chastising everyone I know. Sorry!
@Communicatrix: You are so right about the rampant hucksterism and how it makes the rest of us look like jerks and want to apologize for being even remotely connected with any of it. I feel exactly the same way pretty much all the time.
@Emma: Hooray for avoiding future potholes! That’s great. Because I totally spent the first two years of my business basically apologizing for breathing. And it wasn’t fun for anyone.
@Sarah: Oh no! Though it’s pretty entertaining to imagine you talking to people with my post taped to your forehead. 🙂
@Amy H: I missed your tweet, but now I wish I had seen it. You do so many great things that are worthy of people jumping up and down. I’ll promote you any day!
Wow. A couple of weeks ago when my updated site hit, I actually wrote a post CALLED “Shameless Self Promotion” because I felt bad about my readers who didn’t want to — well — read that my site was updated. (eek!)
Guilty as charged.
And so…needed…to…read….this.
Like.
Today.
As I think about it, it never bothers me AT ALL when you or Naomi (or others) tell me about a new class or a new thing or other stuff because I know you guys really CAN help and I LOVE hearing about what’s new that you have to offer.
So yeah. That’s about my ‘shame’ and stuff.
I think I’m gonna take a look at that.
😉
Thanks!
deb
Deb Owens last blog post..what’s wrong with AIG, businesses, and the country
Hi Havi,
This one speaks to us all, doesn’t it? I think you hit it on the nail with it’s about them, not you. Every conversation should be focused as that, and every real conversation that people leave feeling great about incorporates that. However, the one comment I do want to make is that shameless self promotion is fine if it is committed knowingly, truthfully, accepted within the social etiquette, and infrequently. What I mean is, promoting one’s latest blog post on Twitter is accepted and fine as long as it follows those rules above. However, if every feed into your FB profile is a blog or twitter update – then that does not follow.
No one will follow you if you haven’t engaged meaninfully and truthfully first. No one will care about what you have to say if it’s always about you. You drive these points home well, and as well as I’ve ever seen it written. Bravo!
Debra Askanases last blog post..How Twitter Drives Traffic to Social Networks and Blogs
I hadn’t really thought about promotion being the way you help people who’d want your stuff to connect with you.
That certainly makes it less vomit-ey. Thank you.
RhondaLs last blog post..No “Jockeys” This Week – Bummer!
Havi, I LOVE this post! Yes, yes, yes!
When I was starting my business two years ago and working on my first blog post, I inserted that phrase into the draft.
Fortunately, before I posted it I ran it by my guy to see what he thought. He was like, “NO! I AM NOT A FAN of that phrase, ‘shameless self promotion!’ It’s silly and disingenuous!” I saw the light, deleted the phrase, and never used it again.
Lesson learned: If you ever want to make sure your copy is 100% B.S.-free, run it by someone who isn’t a marketer or a writer or a business person. Any of the parts they think sound kind of pretentious or lame, take out.
(Or we could just tweet you, Havi, so you can collect the full set!)
Kelly
Wonderful, thank you.
Kates last blog post..A personal letter to my dream J-O-B
I agree with your premise and would add that talking with someone who can’t explain what they offer is just as annoying and ineffective 🙂
Michael Daehns last blog post..Michael Daehn posted a new blog entry: off to the dentist for my coronation (via Twitter)
This rang me like a bell. How many times have I been that guy? Eek.
I *LOVE* this, and so needed to hear it, and so appreciate you saying it.
I am also making a note NOT to be that guy… ever again.
This post is now in my Top 5 All Time Favorite Havi Posts. Thank you (and Selma) x 100.
Caught me out – although in a slightly different way! Feeling guilty for being happy at all the great stuff that’s happened and sharing it.
Fortunately, kicked the habit by working out the process behind it in the process.
Great post!
Joely Blacks last blog post..Doing and growing, all at once
Ahhh… screwed up that note. Reminder to self: Stop doing six things at once whilst writing comments.
Joely Blacks last blog post..Doing and growing, all at once
Another great one, Havi. And I soooo needed to hear this today. Been struggling feeling that I should go back to school to get another degree to pursue a more “noble” pursuit, which I’m not sure that I am really all that suited for, especially that the coursework involves dissecting cow/sheep brains and a cat!! Sometimes we need to be reminded that we do add value in our own “special” ways even if it is not to use another cliche “curing cancer.”
carmas last blog post..A McFlurry of Activity!
Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy.
Just did this last night. Happened to be sitting next to someone at a networking meeting who was SO clearly looking for ME, and I had to do the whole I’m-not-selling tapdance.
I’m laughing. No, really, I am.
At least I didn’t actually say anything about “shameless self-promotion”!
Thanks, Havi. You clearly have been watching over many, many shoulders all at once!
Grace Judsons last blog post..Taming the email monster
How in the world can you know me so well, when only your Duck and I have a meaningful relationship? Does Selma talk to you about me behind my back? Does she tell you my secrets? You wrote this post with a photo of me stapled to the monitor — admit it!
I’m in the midst of trying to launch a new blog/book/site and have found my self pretty much frozen in amber, unable to move forward. And the issues are around exactly what you describe here. Whether or not I should really grab people and shake them hard and tell them exactly what I know damn well they need to do. Or be all polite and nice and comforting and say “maybe” a lot.
There’s a very real possibility that you are not being allowed to type because if you could, all of the answers in the universe would be in your blog. This would then put everyone else out of work.
Just sayin’.
Dick Carlsons last blog post..Your Brand Is Your Google Results
Oh, Havi. That doctor analogy was the *perfect* illustration to make your point dramatically. I was laughing and having lightbulbs go off in my head at the same time.
And Dick sure has an interesting theory. Hmmm… 🙂
I adore this so very, very much 🙂
Goddess Leonie I Creative Goddesss last blog post..More from the Healing Journey
Like so many others who have commented already, I thought you were talking about me or something I did. How’s that for being self-centered? Ironic, too.
Loved this.
It reminds me of how sometimes we are falsely humble when someone compliments us because we think that’s the polite thing we should do. But in reality we just told the person their compliment doesn’t matter, didn’t we? Not our intention, we were trying to not be obnoxious, but in doing so we were totally obnoxious.
Terry Heaths last blog post..A Rant About Actually Being Qualified To Do Stuff
Ugh. I’ve been saying this when presenting proposals to potential clients, every single time I get to the testimonials-from-satisfied-clients page. Gonna stop now.
YES YES YES!!
Liberating!
Thanks!
I hesitated to comment twice, but I just had to say…
I had a client write today, asking for help, and I knew what could help them. Thinking about what you shared here, I just put it out there – clearly, simply, no apologies, no “gosh golly gee, if ya wanna.” And it felt GREAT.
And when I was done? I felt clean. Not all tripped up with my inner stuff, or tangled in their stuff (real or imagined). I just shared what was mine to share in a clear way, and wow… it rocked!
So do you.
So does this post.
Thank you again x 100.
Oh Havi, this is so helpful- and timely! I had a blog post waiting in the wings that contained these exact three words. Needless to say, I edited the offending phrase into oblivion and I am rewriting the entire post.
The doctor analogy was quite powerful, not something I am likely to forget anytime soon.
PS: If I get kicked out of Canada for refusing to apologize from now on (how very un-Canadian!), can I claim refugee status in Portland? ;D
Havi-
Thank you to twitter for leading me to this post. They do say sometimes you get what you need just when you need it most. They may be right in this case.
Great post. You really just put it out there and hit the nail on the head. The doctor analogy was pretty funny and very to the point.
Glad I found your blog. You have an excellent writing style! Going to go check out some of your other posts now to see what else I can learn.
Have a great day!
Tina
@Tina_Williams
Tina Williamss last blog post..Can Spam-Is Your “Me Cup” Snuffing Out Your Lights?
wow, that doctor analogy really made it all make sense. This is my first time sitting down and reading your blog. Nearly finished my Recession-Busting recording and you guy, Naomi and your duck (and the ever so helpful, Stu) are awesome.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
Katy Tafoyas last blog post..How to Make the Most Out of Your WordPress Blog With Tutorials
Love this post Havi! Such a great reminder!
Sues last blog post..Cooking Tips and Blog Flips
So right on.
Made me think about how I can share the great things about others, help connect them with their Right People with none of this BS, but much harder when it’s me–the tendency to make it All About Me by pretending It’s Not About Me is always something to guard against.
No trouble telling someone my LifePartner is a fantastic homeopath with wonderful healing for them, not so much to let the person who needs my help with planning their city know that I know just what to do about that.
Also made me think about another Word to be Avoided: little (as in “here’s a little example” when it’s the Whole Story for the person)–don’t belittle yourself!
@Dick: My spies are many and powerful. Actually, it was someone else’s mind I was reading, but I’ll get you next time. 🙂
@Fabeku: Look at you! Doing the thing! I love that you just said what you can do to help without feeling icky about it. That’s amazing. I seriously spent the first few years in my business apologizing for absolutely everything. Seeing you implement this stuff so quickly is just genius.
@Emmanuelle: That would be hysterical if they kicked you out of Canada for not being meek enough. Sadly, Portland is also all about being apologetic. I’m hoping some of my general effusiveness will rub off, but no promises.
I have so much more I want to say here, and you all said such smart, interesting things. But until I have my hands back, am trying to keep it short. Thanks for all the great food for thought!
LOVE this article! Thanks so much for the reminder:)
Melani
Melani Wards last blog post..Sandy Grason and Melani Ward are Giving it Up!
Hmm. Yep, guilty here as well.
I don’t say those exact words, no, that would be too simple. I am much more round-about and wordy in my apologies, to the point where I myself am no longer certain what I am apologizing for. (Which is probably worse, because even if people don’t get the apology part, it’s because they fell asleep halfway through it.)
It’s like Sparky said — there are SO MANY of those icky messages out there –you know the ones; they kinda sound like the internet version of an infomercial. And I SO desperately do not want to sound like one of them!
Actually, I am finding Twitter rather helpful for this: there is no way my apologies together with the link and the title would fit in the 140-character limit, so I have to choose between the apology or the link. Obviously, the apology wouldn’t make much sense without the link, so I am forced to leave it out.
Still, sometimes after posting the link, I wish there was an undo button. And that’s when I visit your blog and always find something that puts things back in perspective again. 🙂
Thanks!
.-= Lisa´s last post … Gift-wrapping your product =-.
Brilliant! Thanks so much for hammering home such an important message, and with so many laughs, to boot. I’ve struggled in this area, same as everyone else… As a woman, as a listener, as someone who’s been overly concerned about not taking up more than my share of airtime. Seriously, fantastic job shifting my thinking – so glad to have found you via SheWrites!