So you’re walking down the street and someone throws a shoe at you.
Except that you weren’t walking down the street and they didn’t really throw a shoe at you. Also — as it turns out — there is no shoe.
But never mind that.
What really happened is that someone made a particularly condescending remark about something you did or said or wore or thought or admired.
Maybe not though. Maybe they just gave you a total asshat response to something you posted on a forum (yes, that happened to me last week).
Or maybe they did something.
And that something makes no sense because how could they not know that this something would be completely disastrous for you. Ugh.
Whatever it was, you’re feeling hurt.
And upset. And angry. And scared. And indignant. And annoyed.
Completely understandably.
Okay. So. You know what? We’re going to pretend that it was a shoe.
This unknown someone threw a shoe at you. It hit you in the back. Not hard enough to knock you over or do any damage or anything.
But it hurt. A lot. And it surprised you. It was startling and painful and unpleasant.
Where am I going with this?
There are always going to be some people who are going to throw shoes. I wish that weren’t the case, but that’s just the way it is.
And given that this is true, it’s useful to know about the Five Primary Reactions To Shoe Throwing.*
*Thanks to my teacher Orna Sela in Tel Aviv for the shoe-throwing metaphor.
The Five Primary Reactions To Shoe Throwing.
The “It’s all about me” Reaction.
- Man. Not again. People are always throwing shoes at me.
- I don’t know what it’s all about but if a shoe is going to be thrown, damned if it isn’t going to hit me right in the back.
- It’s not fair. Everyone hates me. Everyone is against me. I have all the bad luck. Everything bad happens to me.
- I probably deserve it, though. I must have done something to provoke all this shoe-throwing.
- And now this shoe-throwing has ruined my day and made everything even worse than it already was.
This is most of my clients when they come to me. It’s most of my blog readers. It’s a lot of people. Common reaction.
The “It’s all about them” Reaction.
- What the hell kind of person would throw a shoe at someone?
- What the [insert especially impressive stream of cussing here] causes someone to pick up a shoe and throw it?! What’s wrong with them? What’s wrong with everyone?
- Why do people have to be so mean and stupid and hurtful?
Same thing. A lot of my clients, students and blog readers. Me a lot of the time. And most of the people I know. Again, very common.
The Consciously-working-on-my-stuff Reaction.
- Wow. Someone just threw a shoe at me and I’m feeling hurt and angry and upset.
- This is me feeling hurt. I’m allowed to feel hurt. This is my stuff showing up in response to having a shoe thrown at me.
- My anger and hurt and frustration? My stuff.
- The shoe-throwing itself? Their stuff.
- I am reminding myself that this shoe and the throwing of it are not about me and actually have nothing to do with me.
- The throwing of the shoe is all about the shoe-thrower. It’s about their personal stuckification, which — oh, look! — just set off mine too.
- Okay, so that’s my stuff interacting with their stuff. And then if we put my stuff and their stuff aside, there’s still the part about how it’s not okay to throw shoes at people. So let’s deal with that.
- I can say to this person, “Hey, it’s not cool to throw shoes. It hurts when you throw a shoe at me.”
- Because yeah, even though I can’t do anything about their stuff, I can still stand up for myself.
- And I can keep working on my stuff.
This is where I try to be most of the time. This is where many of my Kitchen Table program people are at now after several months of working on their stuff with me. Totally worth working towards.
This kind of approach changes your life and it changes the life of the people around you. Plus it’s very Fluent-Self-ified.
The Advanced Consciously-working-on-my-stuff Reaction.
The Advanced reaction? Same as the above with just one difference.
- This time you’re not upset and you’re not angry.
- You’re still interacting with yourself in a conscious, loving way. You still recognize that the shoe-throwing is all about them. You’re still empowered to tell people that they can’t throw shoes at you.
- But it doesn’t even occur to you to take it personally. Because it’s so obviously not.
This one is my goal. This is where I want to be. And maybe one day it will happen.
It’s not where I am yet, but that’s okay.
The Impossibly-enlightened Reaction.
- There is no shoe.
I’m not even slightly there.
In fact, I’m not even sure I’d ever want to be there. It might even be a purely theoretical option.
But if we’re just following the movement of possible reactions and taking this movement to its logical extension, I’m pretty sure this is where someone could (again, theoretically) end up.
The point.
It’s not that I’m especially invested in moving people along from one reaction to the other.
And I’m also not interested in chastising people for being where they are. That doesn’t seem like it would be especially helpful.
Here’s the part that excites me:
I like watching how our relationships with ourselves change when we start paying attention to the fact that there are different types of reactions available to us.
I like being able to notice that hey, I’m slipping into a certain reaction as a default. And then I remember that the very act of noticing this is altering my relationship with myself and the people around me.
Because when I’m noticing, I’m not in it. And when I’m not in it, I’m more likely to be patient with myself.
And when I’m patient with myself, things don’t hurt.
Follow
“…when I’m patient with myself, things don’t hurt.”
I have to get back to that place.
Amy Mommaertss last blog post..The attack of the thing, critisism, worth, and lost passions
Omigosh, Havi, this one is even more insanely helpful than usual. At least for me, at least right now. Because hey, other people are where they are, and that’s cool. I can say that because I’m having a Consciously-Working-on-My-Stuff kind of day.
Which is very easy to say on days when you’re lucky enough that no one has thrown any shoes at you yet. :o)
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Havi, I’ve needed this post this week. Thank you.
Havi, this excites me, too:
“I like watching how our relationships with ourselves change when we start paying attention to the fact that there are different types of reactions available to us.”
I can’t possibly stay in that stuck place when my watcher is at work. Just can’t.
Thanks for a wonderful post,
Laurie
Laurie Foleys last blog post..What I Learned While Doing The Laundry
Thanks for taking the time to write out those five primary reactions. Seeing them laid down like that helps identify and distinguish them, which in turn helps the paying attention and noticing.
The reminder that simply paying attention and noticing is enough to make a difference is also useful: it’s encouraging to know that something that feels totally doable and not overwhelming happens to be a real step in the right direction.
Josianes last blog post..Exposing some flesh
Great, as usual, Havi.
The shoe is, until it isn’t.
The drama, I always say, is entirely optional.
Hugs
Wayne Allens last blog post..Sound Conduct
I always swore that when that angry mean “anonymous” commenter eventually stumbled on my site & decided to direct their ire my way, I’d brush it off and it would be a non-issue. Well, they did, and hopefully it was a non issue as far as my readers are concerned. I dealt with it immediately, but I was surprised by how much it actually did bother me.
“Why do people have to be so mean and stupid and hurtful?” That was me all over. And then the craziness of my day took over, and I forgot about it until now. Major improvement – a few years ago I would have shut down the site and crawled under the covers for a few days!
Love this. Thanks so much Havi. Working toward the noticing thing. Even if it’s after the fact. Maybe I’ll get closer&closer to noticing in the moment 🙂
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This is such a smart post, Havi. I’m constantly amazed that you speak so directly to your “right people.” I guess I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t one of them.
This would seem to be all about boundaries. The shoe thrower’s and mine. I’m also reminded that it’s not always about me! The shoe thrower also has icky stuff to deal with.
At least right now, I only throw obscene hand gestures. And only out of view of others. And I know that it’s truly my stuff, and not someone else’s overpowering ability to make me feel angry/frustrated/annoyed enough to gesture at them.
I’m wondering: can I be both shoe thrower and shoe throwee?
Ah… the witness in action. I got to do this last night standing in line for Krishna Das. We got there really early so we could get good seats and then the people right in front of us kept adding people… until two people were 15. I watched myself get so fumed and then be embraced because the people we were with, whom I don’t know well, were watching me… one guy was just back from a 7 day meditation retreat.
It was hilarious.
Later.
I also don’t know if the non-dual place of “there is no shoe” is where I want to be.
I do know that standing up for myself in some domains still needs work.
I think my favorite thing in the whole wide world is watching how minds work.
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What a great post. It inspired me to post some of my photoshop art (that I’m learning) on a forum for crit. I know they are harsh and I sometimes avoid doing so becuase..
IT FEELS LIKE THEY’RE THROWING SHOES AT ME.
But I did. And now I can learn. Because there are helpful things that come out of crit.
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I think I’m in agreement that I don’t want to be at the “There is no shoe” stage.
If someone responded to my tale of a shoe-throwing incident by telling me there is no shoe, I would have to throw a shoe at them. With my foot still inside it.
For now I will just continue to work toward noticing and being patient with myself.
Victoria Brouhards last blog post..Shedding Beliefs
@Victoria – I think that if you shared a personal shoe-throwing story and someone said to you that there was no shoe, that would be the EQUIVALENT of them throwing another shoe at you. Yuck.
Even if something is wise, it’s totally not an appropriate thing when it isn’t given compassionately.
That’s what I think. 🙂
Also, I remember when someone asked my teacher what to do when you are 100% clear that there was no shoe in a specific incident, but the person you are talking to is really upset about the shoe. And she said, “Well, you give them a hug! They’re upset!”
Smart cookie, that woman.
I watch myself going through all these reactions, doing my best to hold myself with love, and to hold the flame [scratch] shoe thrower, too.
But I AM trying to get to the “there is no shoe stage.” Which to me is the “they are all shoes stage” and the “what are shoes but leather/hemp, laces and rivets all come together into a thing we call shoes stage.”
Mahala Mazerovs last blog post..Suffering By Desire
Nice way to look at hurtful actions. Somehow thinking of them as shoes really helps change how you think about it. There is a cost to throwing a shoe (such as the distinct discomfort felt as they try to walk away). Do hurtful actions hold similar cost. Probably.
I think I’ll be pondering this for a while. Thank you.
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I have a wonderful Jewish friend whom I love dearly for her absolute honesty and clarity in communication. She has these huge and intense dark black eyes and never tires of pointing out when it’s either my stuff or theirs.
Whenever someone has thrown a shoe at me and I got caught up in the “Wow. Someone just threw a shoe at me and I’m feeling hurt and angry and upset”, she would just look at me and say in a dry Hebrew tone of voice that leaves little or no room for drama:
“It’s your sh*t mush”
And that cracks me up so much that I can move on to the next stage.
Because we live so far apart I hardly get to spend time with her anymore but every time “a shoe” happens I see her face and hear these words… priceless.
Anyway, sometimes I can be opportunistic with it as well, wait for another shoe and sell the pair. Profits go to a good cause. Receive, transmute and do good. Other times it just plain hurts…
Life: what a journey aye!
Maarten Elouts last blog post..Tonight I will burn a fire
Thanks for this one. Very helpful. I probably need to print it out and tape it to the wall.
An old friend of mine was out running one time, and someone driving by threw a *fast food hamburger* at him. SPLAT! Ketchup and mustard and everything, all on the back of his shirt. He said it was disgusting and awful and unnerving, but what could he do but laugh? (and scrape the food off of his shirt.) So the shoe-throwing translates into the hamburger-throwing metaphor for me. Sometimes it’s easier to deal with a thing if it’s so obviously ridiculous . . . in some ways the shoe hurts a lot more (well, figuratively AND literally) than a hamburger. But they’re still both completely ridiculous.
I just came upon your site a few days ago, and I’ve really been enjoying what I’ve read so far. (And finding it useful.)
Just last week, I wrote about an exchange that falls in the shoe-throwing realm. I was proud of myself because I didn’t take it all that personally, just sort of thought, “Ah, that’s where you’re at,” and “This is where I’m at.”
Of course, there are still plenty of things and particular people who can set off the hurt, strong reactions. Being compassionate with myself and trying to accept my own flaws and setbacks as part of the whole instead of as discrete radioactive negativity has helped. Still working on that though.
claires last blog post..Huh-freakin’-zzah!
And when I’m patient with myself, things don’t hurt
My son is going through something very difficult right now – trying to find a job, having great interviews with employers telling him it’s likely he will get one and then not hearing from them.
Today, MY stuff was interacting with HIS stuff as I tried to help him. I tried, noticed that MY stuff was coming up and shared it with him – telling him exactly that and that I may not be the best one to help him because it was painful seeing him suffer and I was taking it personally.
WE worked it through together deciding it’s best to involve a third party to help him through his crisis of confidence.
Digressing for a moment, we got a background check report back from the GAP (where he’d applied) which said he failed it. He couldn’t understand it – felt like he couldn’t even pass a simple background check and that was the ultimate SHOE IN THE BACK experience.
I asked to see the report – read the fine print – and realized he didn’t pass because the social security number he’d given them was one that had never been issued yet.
I told him and he said he was sure it was correct – he memorized it. I took out a tax return, showed him his number and in fact the two were different – off by one digit.
FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS, he has been applying for a job with the wrong social security number. How many employers have done this background check which is a routine matter for most and figured that with today’s unemployment, this kind of thing is not even worth looking into?
I suggested that he read the rest of the form, figure out how to dispute it and contact each and every employer that he’d applied to either in person or online and tell them of his error.
As I was going to bed this evening,I read this and he walked into his office. This kid is 20 years old and he said to me “God, other people go through this shit too? I thought I was the only one.” That’s the first shoe throwing reaction at work for sure.
I explained to him that though I didn’t have the words for this, this is exactly what I’m working on in my own life – both as an individual and in all my roles as a professional as well as a mom.
I think of all the articles you’ve ever done, this one has the potential to be life changing for my son – and I thank you Havi – from the very bottom of my heart. I think you may have gotten through to him in places that I couldn’t reach.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be printing this and taping it to the fridge.
Hey Havi,
Thanks for your post.
Made me think of this little gem – have you seen it?
http://www.doubletakesblog.com/2009/01/haters-gonna-hate.html
Perhaps this constitutes the true enlightened response: engaged poetic indifference
Smiles,
Leila
havi so many resonances I work currently in a major shoe throwing environment. My conclusion is that it is THEIR shoe and I’m not sticking around to deal with their shoes either…
ms last blog post..My favourite meal out: Brunch
I try to be advanced in my reaction, but my stomach boils with acid over my “that’s not fair” reaction because when I say: “Hey, it’s not cool to throw shoes. It hurts when you throw a shoe at me.” all too often the response is something along the lines of “I don’t care about your point of you. You pissed me off and I threw a shoe and I wanted it to hurt.”
So yeah, advanced gets too advanced at that point and I go have a sulk since talking just makes things worse. 😉
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndromes last blog post..Are You Working Yourself Too Hard?
I was following all along your explanation and…
The Impossibly-enlightened Reaction.
* There is no shoe.
::bursts out laughing at the unexpectedness::
Jennifers last blog post..Information as activist resource
Oh yes, I needed to read this today. What’s funny is that I’ve said that, and it’s been true, about 5 other posts this morning. I think the universe has been trying to tell me something for a while now, and I clearly can’t hear it unless a whole bunch of people I respect say it at once. 🙂
Thank you so much for this post, Havi, and thanks to the great commenters above.
Catherine Cantieri, Sorteds last blog post..Taming Time: Your to-do list(s)
I felt this same reaction the first time I was exposed to “The Work” and Byron Katie. When I can actually get myself to realize that reality is just THERE and all I get to choose is how I’ll react to it, my life changes in amazing ways.
This is very easy to do with small shoes, and very difficult to do with large boots that are flying very fast. It will take me many years and much practice to not see the shoe at all.
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Havi, when I read this yesterday, I thought it was terrific and helpful, but had no idea that later that evening I’d catch a size 12 extra wide smack between my shoulders. It was thrown really hard, too. Still trying to resolve my anger, hurt, and frustration constructively, but at least I can TRY to recognize that this wasn’t about me and that I can CHOOSE not to beat myself up about it. This one got into my stuff in a major way, so I’m struggling. I’ll keep reading this over and over until the message really penetrates.
Thanks very much for sharing your wisdom (and your teacher’s).
I’m still stuck thinking that there shouldn’t be a shoe and I’m imagining the shoe. Too bad the feelings don’t just disappear.
I’m not even to the point of really commenting here often… I’m still in clean-up mode, trying to sweep away all the crap from self-helpish books of the past. It’s disgusting, and I didn’t even know how disgusting it was until I started reading your blog. I’m all shoulded up.
Some people have been known to have full-blown tantrums and take to their beds for days and kick the cat and wallow in gallons of misery over shoes that the other person never had any idea they threw.
Not me, of course. But some people.
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So, having just picked myself up, dusted myself off, and rubbing the sore spot on my head–I came to your post. Oooh. That was a SHOE, huh?
@Dawn – “Can I be both the show thrower and the shoe throwee?” Now THAT gave me pause. One shoe thrown is another shoe caught.
I just checked my closet and there is [an undisclosed number] of shoes without a mate. I don’t remember that. (Note to self: at least retrieve the shoe.)
Thanks, Havi! I REALLY needed a reminder to just notice and be kind to myself.
Nice post. The Universe reflects.
From don Miguel Ruiz to Alan Watts in one fell swoop.
Peace.
@vinylart
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Awesome post. And I was laughing with myself to realize that after going through all of those initial reactions, I usually end up at “Hey cool! A shoe! It just so happens that I needed one! Thanks!”
Yes, I seem to be a masochist for learning experiences…
Ginas last blog post..18 Ways Shiatsu Can Rock Your World
Someone insulting you and someone physically striking you are two different things.
30 years ago, I was riding my bicycle down a busy street at night (I was going to work) when I felt a sudden, sharp pain in my lower back, just as a car was passing me. I must have blacked out for a second, because the next thing I realized, I was staggering beside my bike. Fortunately, I didn’t fall. I later found out what hit me in the back was probably a wire or part of a metal coat hanger held horizontally (I had the welt to prove it).
My first reaction was anger. I yelled at the car to come back as if I intended to fight. I had no idea what I was really saying. My reaction was fuelled strictly by adrenaline. A few seconds later (when fortunately, the car didn’t come back), I realized I was hurt and started to get scared. I was in front of my destination, so I was able to limp inside. I didn’t get a good look at the car or license plate, so there was no use calling the police.
After that, I was a little nervous about riding my bike at night, but it was my primary means of transportation at the time, so I didn’t have much choice. Eventually, I got past the experience, but some part of it is still with me.
I’ve worked in a number of jobs that have been at least emotionally confrontational such as investigating child abuse as a social worker for a heavily populated county in California. Under just about any circumstances, when I have a few seconds to think, I can calculate a measured response to any insult. When a person is suddenly struck and injured, the first thing the person does isn’t to think, but to try to survive.
Probably not the response you were anticipating, but all things considered, I can manage someone making a snarky comment to me online with much more grace than being hit in the back by a piece of metal in the dark.
My husband seems to love to throw shoes. I have been trying to figure out how to make it not so fun for him.
Well said! Love the whole perspective.
So I’ve found that I am completely irrational in the first moments after the shoe strike. If I have the luxury of about a half hour of lone fuming I ALWAYS seem to come around to the “That’s their stuff that triggered my stuff and that’s OK” mode. And then it fades.
I might even think about the stuff it triggered in me and try to process that sore point into some better understanding of myself.
If I love the person, I don’t hold it against them (thinking of all the shoes I’ve unwittingly tossed in their hapless direction) but if it’s a jerk I don’t like, then it’s harder to get over (isn’t that funny?) but even that shoe strike eventually becomes irrelevant. Not getting stuck in the moment is the most important thing for me, processing it through is crucial.
Liz (made in lowell)s last blog post..Everything Upside Down
I found this post through a link at “My Super-Charged Life”. This is so timely… I just printed your post and taped it in the day book/journal I carry everywhere. I plan to look over it frequently because this is something could really use some help with. Thank you SO much for such a helpful post!
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Shoes! shoes! a shoe just came flying at me and I came right here to read this and it did help me calm down. Gave me a slight feeling of not being “in it.” So thanks.
I, too, found this post through following links. Thanks for putting a name to something that has really been bugging me and my reaction was “Why do people have to be so mean and stupid and hurtful?” Reading this post was as though you were just speaking to me and it has helped me to accept the person who threw the shoe probably has issues of their own and now, hopefully, I can put it behind me. Thank you.
“There is no shoe” totally made my day. 😀
I’ve actually been having a lot of shoes thrown at me lately. This wouldn’t be a problem except that they’re from someone I pretty much *have* to interact with every day. Mostly I just keep my mouth shut, to avoid either “it’s all about me” or “it’s all about them”. Neither of those reactions will get me any respect from this person. But at the same time, silence leaves me dissatisified because I’m not standing up for what I believe in, I’m feeling like a doormat to avoid conflict, etc.
I’ll try and remember to be calm and ask them “not to throw shoes”–because that’s how I can still look like a feminist/queer/gender-aware person, but not one of *those* feminists/queers/gender-aware persons.
Thanks! Now I just have to keep my temper long enough to put it into practice…
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