Over the past five and a half years of running this business, I’ve read all sorts of books that deal with what I think of as the general theme of space:
That is to say, organizing, decluttering, systems, and the fascinating but depressingly-named field of “time management”.
And just about every book recommends that you spy on yourself. Different biggified experts recommend different ways of doing this, but the idea is the same.
They want you to take time and figure out what your systems are or how you use your time or where you put things.
I never do these exercises.
Not that I don’t get the appeal, because I do.
The essence of the spying practice is all about things I like:
Observation, play, mindfulness, curiosity, wonder, sneaking around the stuck and accessing possibility.
And pattern-finding, which is my greatest love.
But I don’t ever feel like spying on myself.
So last week I went to work on finding out what’s up with that.
Here’s the deal.
After ten minutes of my favorite pattern-detangling method — flailing around disastrously with Shiva Nata to facilitate the unlikely realizations — I started asking questions.
And bing bing there it was.
The reason I’ve been avoiding this tracking exercise for years:
There is a part of me who is seriously afraid of all the mean-yet-accurate things my internal spies will see. With their brutally devastating insight, they’ll nail everything that’s wrong about me.
It won’t just be information about what I can change or do differently. No, it will be perceptive, cogent, well-thought-out insights about how much I suck and how disastrously I run my life.
Ah. Okay.
So we have to turn the spies.
Time to subvert the system. Turn them over to our side. Get them to be a very different kind of spy. Here’s the set-up.
These spies are only looking for information about my me-ness. My essence. They’re looking for the qualities that inform the Land of Havi.
They aren’t trying to figure out how to help me or how to fix me. They don’t have an agenda. They are full of love. Like Hiro or Cairene or Shannon or other friends who get me and appreciate me.
They are only interested in knowing what I appreciate and what I care about.
And I don’t have to receive the information directly. It can be a mediated experience. I can spy on them, if I want.
They’ll say what good things they learned about my space and I will listen in, but they won’t be able to see me because I am hiding.
What shiny things do my pro-me secret agents uncover?
This is what they said about me, based on my office — my much-neglected Pirate Queen Quarters at the Playground.
Havi likes simplicity and spaciousness.
She appreciates color and richness — collections of wonderfully colorful things, and also vast expanses of emptiness and white space to balance it. This is important to her.
Havi lines up her notebooks. She likes bowls of things. She avoids what is conventional.
There is an interesting combination of abundant collections and this very zen spare thing.
She likes to draw and she doesn’t tell anyone about it.
Nothing goes on the wall until she knows for sure. She gives careful consideration to decision-making. She cares a lot about each decision.
Havi loves to write. She likes bold colors in small doses. She is very busy.
She likes order and structure, comfort and simplicity.
She does not care for desks and chairs.
She’s a classy lady.
Hmmm. Interesting.
The only part that seemed really out there was the classy lady part, since I’m pretty sure no one who has ever met me would describe me that way. But it made me smile.
Everything else rang true.
There was a part that the spies wanted to say — about how I put the needs of my students in front of everything — but they knew I’d take that wrong.
So instead they said that they appreciate all the work I’m doing to be respectful of my internal and external space, and that it was an honor to be invited.
And then I came in and thanked them, and then we went out to the cafe down the street and had drinks.
Finding the way that works.
It occurs to me that my fear of learning uncomfortable things about myself through examining my space is probably a parallel to the fear a lot of my people have about doing Shiva Nata — that they’ll see the patterns they don’t want to see.
And even though the shivanautical realizations are often so full of sweetness, I get how that could seem really intimidating.
I’m glad I did the exercise. Also glad that I waited until now. And relieved that I was able to find a way to rewrite it for my own purposes. Because it was really useful.
And it ended up giving me another sneaky idea that actually resolved a ridiculously old piece of stuck.
Playing. And comment zen in the blanket fort.
If you want to subvert this exercise in a variety of ways, go for it. Make it your own.
I would love to know if you also avoid these appealing-yet-intimidating mindfulness exercises in books. My plan is to keep flailing with Shiva Nata to brainstorm more loopholes and alternative experiments
As always, we all have our stuff. We let everyone else have their stuff. We talk about our own experiences, knowing that sharing our personal stories online is vulnerable, which is why we don’t give unsolicited advice.
That is all. Hugs. Super secret spy handshakes. And code words, of course.
Follow
Love It!
Pro-Me Spies.
It’s true that spies are scary when you are being spied on so they better have a clear mandate for their activities. It also reminds me a lot of
Dr. House – spying on his team of doctors to secretly improve their lives.
& Amelie (the French movie) – spying on people to leave them secret life-improving presents after!
I am taking myself on a spying lunch now.
xoxox
@Hannah – a spying lunch! That sounds lovely. I forgot about Amelie, that is also a lovely way to think of it. Yay!
Oooh! now I’m going to have to rent Amelie! 🙂 Sounds like my kind of movie…
Havi, you’ve found exactly what I needed today – again. Get out of my mind! 🙂 But thank you! I think I need to go spy on some pro-me spies, too!
(And *I’d* describe you as a classy lady! eccentrically classy, but there’s nothing wrong with eccentric. It makes you more interesting!)
Such a timely post Havi. I am currently working with an amazing writing coach who is helping me quiet my inner critic so I can see my characters (and myself) without all that negative commentary. Perhaps I will invite my spies to “interview” me or my characters so we can tell them all the things we want them to know!
You are, absolutely, a classy lady! Those spies know whereof they speak! 🙂
The phrase ‘time management’ makes me gag a little bit. I’ve been in situations to do the organising and systems tracking things, but also mood, migraine and food diaries. Not a single one of them lasted more than 3 days! I would forget, or leave it till ‘later’ or somehow cunningly avoid the work. So the very sensible exercises are where I stall and become another point of fail for my monsters to jump up and down about.
I want to whisper something about not having established a Shiva Nata practice. Or actually done any. Scary things may lie beneath the surface like that huge crocodile in the lake in the film. I think Nessie would be preferable, I like the idea of a Scottish accent.
As Lisa Stansfield sings, “You’re a classy lady, ’cause you’re all woman.” 😀
Oh god, do I avoid those exercises!
I also avoid tracking the time spent on projects, even when I’m being paid hourly. I will avoid it until it turns into a mess, and then continue to avoid it because it’s “always” a mess. Gaah.
In my Scientist’s Field Notes I sneak around this, I guess, by completely avoiding evaluation. Scientists don’t make recommendations. I don’t even compile the data at the end.
Oh, well, I do compile it when I use my logs for invoicing… which is uncomfortable. And maybe the reason I avoid note-taking altogether when I’m not on the clock. Huh!
That gives me an idea…
Also I love the approach with the spies whose mission is only to look for what you value and appreciate. Love!
Yes! Why look under the rock when who knows what might be lurking under there? Ew.
When it comes to observation, it’s so important to remember we each (not the experts) get to decide what sort of information we’re looking for and how we want to measure it.
So glad you subverted the system and shared the results here – fabulous, as usual.
P.S. Going all Amelie on oneself? Genius.
this is good good stuff! i am so relieved that i’m not the only person who buys books written by people that i probably would like and respect, reads their advice, AGREES with the logic behind the advice and then refuses to do it.
i use the word “refuse” because “fail” seems like way too passive of a word for what i do. sometimes i’m all “hmmmm, that seems like a great idea that i could do later, let’s see what else he/she has to say….” and other times i’m “wow! good idea! i have now identified that as something i will NEVER do. whew. that would’ve been way scary…”
now i see that i can secretly get someone else (who is a lot nicer than me)(note: yes, i realize she is in my head)to do the work and report back.
i like this!
thank you thank you thank you fearless (ha) leader!
p.s. amelie is awesome.
Another one of my favorite posts ever!
I don’t normally *feel* that I mind spying on myself, but I don’t actually *do* it consistently. (Oh…Bing!) I like that this uses a wider focus, not just dwelling on what is bothering me at the moment (not just what the current monster is snarking about). I think I’ll try it this way and see what happens.
There’s a very defiant side of me that dislikes being told what to do. In fact, she gets a little belligerent about it. The nicer side of me reads these exercises and thinks, “oh how nice, let’s do this exercise and see if it helps! I open to trying anything!”
Defiant side raises her eyebrows skeptically and says nothing. When Nicer side gets all ready to do it, Defiant crosses her arms, and in a dark voice says “make me.” but really means “don’t even TRY to make me do this. seriously”.
She’s got a tough exterior, but it’s mostly because she cares too much, so she puts up that wall so nothing gets in. She refuses to buy into the self exercises, and doesn’t want to hear what any of the spies think she should or shouldn’t be doing because how can some guy who wrote some book have any idea what’s actually going on. She could do these exercises herself, but just doesn’t feel like it. Maybe someday, but on her terms.
your post hits home. maybe she’ll be more receptive if she gets to be the spy on the nicer side…
There’s something about the continuity of reading a book, and the discontinuity of stopping to do an exercise, and the annoyance of someone telling me what to do when THEY ARE NOT ME that triggers me about those exercises before I even get around to not wanting to know what I’ll find out.
Though that is there as well. And with Shiva Nata. Some days I just don’t do it, and other days I commit to working on something other than what’s bothering me (of course, what’s bothering me still comes out).
My new question is: “What will I need to do before I’ll be ready to face this?”
My stucknesses love it because they get to actually address what’s going on but without any danger of me doing it at exactly that moment.
But back to exercises in books…books to me are like shooting down the river on a raft. And while once in a while I might do something really spectacular (like this time when I was with a bunch of river guides and we got an eddy to flip us back up the river so we could go through a class four rapid twice), most of the time I like to go *down* the river.
Metaphor mouse might be needed to rehab exercises in books to something that helps me move forward.
@Romilly – I love you.
And since you and Hiro have met me in person and know what you’re talking about, I will adjust brain accordingly.
@Caroline – me too on the three day thing. Well, three days in my head. One day of actually doing it. 🙂
@Anna – Field notes! And not being on the clock! Totally.
@Cairene – yes yes yes yes yes. And that’s why I love your approach, it’s so non-punishing and curious and “hey I get to do it my way.” What’s the word for that? Oh right, sovereignty. Awesome.
@kim – yay. And now I’m totally going to start referring to myself as the Fearful Leader.
@Sue – bing! Love it.
@Lily – me too with the belligerence. Sometimes I think my inner rebel is the one who picks those books so she can then rail against them. And defiant because of caring too much. Nailed it.
@Rhiannon – metaphor mouse rehab! Sounds perfect. I like your new question. Super useful. Mwah!
@Chris – spy interviews are SUCH a good idea. I’m boggling. There are so many ways that could work. I could interview them. They could interview me. We could go all spy vs spy, only help each other. Wheee!
So great. So so great.
OH YEAH I avoid mindfullness exercises!!!
About 70 days I ago I started this course put together by Larry Crane at the Release Technique and found out this course is NOTHING BUT INTROSPECTION!!!
Scary.
There’s something like a 200+ page manual full of exercises with questions you ask yourself to uproot any junk programming you have rolling around your unconscious and then when it’s burning ball in your chest or stomach, you keep inviting it up and just let the energy go out of your body.
Sitting in that fire (what it feels like) is no fun but I’ve felt a whole lotta peace when I endure it and encourage anyone interested in letting go of the past to check out the Release Technique or it’s big brother, The Sedona Method.
Oh my. I avoid those exercises for exactly the same reason. They are going to see all the things I do wrong. Or find out that I don’t have a system at all and I have nowhere to start.
This technique sounds promising. Thank you.
Such a good idea. Makes me realize that when I assure my clients/peoples that it’s just neutral information they’re getting and they need not take it personally, they sometimes do. Seems kind of obvious now, because I take it personally too, when it’s my stuff. Yup.
I’m getting better at noticing (I love the kindness of that word) what I do in my own life, letting it be there and waiting till I’m ready to do something about it (if anything). Letting it be okay if I decide not to do anything. The more I do it for me, the more I will do it for others. Another welcome way for me to stop needing to be so expert-y.
Well I haven’t met you (reading every single post doesn’t count does it?) but classy sounds like an extremely apt description, like “in a class of your own” that kind of way.
This is so cool to read because over the last decade I have bought a mountain of books designed to help me and have NEVER tried even one of the exercises within. Oh, I lie, I did do a list of everything I have ever done as suggested by Barbara Sher but I only did it to prove to her that I TRULY haven’t ever done anything at all with my life…
But your techniques I love, and thanks to the KT have actually started to like USE them (this might be kind of gross but I am reminded of a true story – recently a physio was giving info on pelvic floor exercises to do and on the sheet it actually had written on it that studies have shown that DOING the exercises makes them effective – what? I can’t just think about it?)….
This one is a winner.
I force myself to do the exercises, because I am nothing if not a Good Student, and I kind of hate it. And then I decide that I hate the book, and then I lose track of anything good.
I think maybe I need to subvert the exercise, too. Or maybe give myself space to NOT do something, because that would be pretty subversive for me. But what if I get a bad grade because I didn’t do it?
Perhaps I still have some work to do here.