Resolutions that actually work

New Year’s resolutions that don’t involve beating yourself up

I love New Year’s. Not the whole party thing of course, which is not at all my cup of tea. My cup of tea is a hot, steaming … well, cup of tea. Preferably with yerba buena leaves floating in it.

I invariably fall asleep well before midnight. And five years as a bartender cured me of ever wanting to imbibe an alcoholic beverage. Or to even leave the house, for that matter.

It’s just that I really enjoy beginnings. Marking time. Looking back. Making plans. The whole process of symbolically closing a circle and opening a new one.

Luckily, there’s no shortage of new year moments in the year. Being Jewish provides me with four different “new year” observances each year, since Judaism is full of wonderful wackiness, and I even go so far as to celebrate three of them (don’t ask).

And then there’s January first. And of course September which just kind of smells like going back to school, but in a good way. Plus there’s my birthday in March when I take the day off and meditate on the year that was.

So the whole year, for me, is filled with many sweet moments of resting, reviewing, examining and preparing. Which is exactly how I like it.

Still there’s something about the two-thousand-and-eight-ness of it all — the official moving of the digit and the having to remember every time you write a check — that makes this official new year more solemn and more scary than the others.

The trick to resolutions that work

You’ve probably noticed that I talk a lot about how self-mastery is a waste of time and self-friendship is the way to go.

Usually what happens when we start making resolutions is that we make them in the “wrongest” way. We start beating ourselves up for what we didn’t accomplish and threatening about what we’d better get right this time. Oh, my dear, it just doesn’t work like that.

“I’m going to finally drop all that weight this year, goshdarnit” is not a useful resolution.
“No more screwing around and procrastinating!” is not a useful resolution.
“I want to start making some money for a change!” is not a useful resolution.

If you find yourself making the same old resolutions this year about what you should be doing or what you wish you were doing, maybe it’s time to approach the whole darn thing differently this time around. Here are the components of coming up with resolutions that actually work:

PRACTICAL

• Is your resolution specific?
• Can if be broken down into baby steps?
• Is it realistic (can it actually be done?)
• Do you have a plan?
• Is it track-able?

“I’m going to come up with a four month plan to fit into my old favorite pants, and I’m going to do that by a. walking for at least fifteen minutes every morning, b. drinking a glass of hot water before each meal, c. journaling around what I eat and when, d. going to yoga twice a week and e. practicing Shiva Nata three times a week for half an hour.”

“I’m going to figure out the five things that scare me most about writing this book / applying for that job / starting that band and I’m going to journal about them every day. I am writing down ten baby steps I can practice taking to begin feeling comfortable with this new thing. To this end, I am creating a new ritual of listening to one of the Emergency Calming Techniques every night before bed for ten minutes.”

“I am ready to have a conscious, intelligent, mature relationship with money. I’ve called my brother-in-law and he’s going to give me a Quicken tutorial this weekend. I’m signing up for a Conscious Bookkeeping course. Plus I’m instituting a five minute ritual before breakfast where I do one of Havi’s calming techniques and look at my numbers. I put my laptop on the kitchen table before bed so I won’t forget.”

ACCOUNTABLE

• Are you committed to your resolution?
• Do you have back-up in the form of a partner, friend, coach or mentor who will gently, kindly and firmly hold you to your decisions?
• Do you have a support network and how is it going to work?

“Two girlfriends are taking turns walking with me in the morning and I got my friend who’s doing a yoga teacher training to promise to drag me to class on Tuesdays.”

“I’m on a forum where a bunch of people are dealing with all of the same procrastination issues that I’m going through. I’m committing to post there every day.”

“I’m checking in with my brother each week and we’re comparing notes on our financial goals. I’m also packing lunch at night and putting aside what I normally spend on eating out into my ‘hire a business mentor for three months’ fund.”

COMPASSIONATE

• Are your resolutions “love-oriented” (do they come from your desire to have more “good” in your life or are they a way of punishing yourself for not being perfect?).
• How compassionate do your resolutions feel?
• Are you considering and interacting with your feelings when you make these resolutions?
• How are you motivating yourself with encouragement and support, rather than blame and criticism?
• And, if this whole compassion thing still seems impossible for you, how are you working with this information consciously so that you can get better at practicing kindness with yourself?)

“I’m ready to work on having a conscious relationship with my body where I can work on being able to say nice things to myself no matter where I’m at. It’s important to me to be strong and healthy. Even though I don’t always feel very confident or positive in my body, I’m committed to this process of learning to eventually like myself anyway.”

“I know inside that the thing I’m so scared to do is really kind of a gift to the world. I’m ready to work through my fear around being seen and noticed so that I can do this giving. Even though I’m pretty terrified, this process is important to me and I know I can grow from this if I take it slow and ease off the pressure.”

“I am aware of the anxiety I have around facing my money issues. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for just being willing to work on this so directly. I know I’m headed in the right direction and even if it takes time, at least I’m trying to invest in myself and take care of my future.”

Got the difference?

Ask yourself again: What would it your resolutions look or sound like if they were compassion-oriented rather than goal-oriented? If it were actually possible for you to motivate yourself through encouragement rather than blame and self-criticism … what would your life be like then?

What steps would be needed in order for you to even want to interact with yourself in this kind, conscious way? And what parts of these steps are terrifying and depressing?

Are these thoughts exciting? Terrifying? Liberating? Panic-inducing? Drop me a line and let me know — we’ll talk about moving through this process together in our next teleclass. And good luck!

This has been the best year ever for me, so many thanks to you for being part of it and for participating in the “virtual community” that makes my job such a pleasure. I know the upcoming year will be even better than the last one and am absolutely looking forward to sharing it with you.