This is not some theoretical post, full of brilliant bits of how-to-ishness from genius expert me.
I actually do feel like dirt at the moment.
Dirt. Dirt. Dirt. Dirt. Dirt. Ugh.
To the point that I don’t even feel up to walking you through my process or anything. Sorry.
But maybe just a few of the things I do when everything is dirt, and some of the ideas behind the process. Because there’s no way I can write about — or even think about — anything else right now when it’s all dirt. DIRT.
So: some of the things that help me cope with the hard and come through on the other side when I’m ready.
Not asking “how come”. Just don’t ask.
There is always a good reason — usually a series of good reasons — for why you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
As soon as you start demanding to know why everything feels so awful, you start to doubt the legitimacy of the feeling and wonder what’s wrong with you?!
Which leads you straight into more stuck.
Better: assume legitimacy.
Even though I have no idea why I feel like dirt, this is where I am right now and baby, that’s how it is. For now. Not forever. Just right now.
Giving yourself permission to feel as crappy as you want.
Because that’s what you’re feeling.
It sucks, yes. And … that feeling is what’s true for you in this moment.
If you can’t give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling, give yourself permission to not be able to feel what you’re feeling yet.
This feeling of dirt doesn’t define me. It’s not the whole of who I am. It’s just the thing I’m dealing with right now. Even though I hate feeling like dirt, I’m allowed to hate it as much as I want.
Letting the reasons have their weight.
Once you’ve stopped asking but how come how come how come and you’ve stopped fighting with the feeling, you’ll probably know why you feel like dirt.
Or at least, you’ll have some pretty decent theories.
Instead of trying to convince yourself that these are stupid reasons and here’s why you actually shouldn’t be feeling like dirt, let those reasons seem like okay reasons.
Talk to yourself as if it were your best friend in the entire world who felt like dirt and had every reason to.
Wow. No kidding. Of course you feel like dirt after X happened. That’s a really hard thing to go through. And you’re catching up on sleep. And you’ve been dealing with all these other things. And things are changing in your life like crazy now. Who wouldn’t feel like dirt right now?
Figuring out what you’re actually talking about.
Okay, so I feel like dirt. What does that mean? What does that look like?
It’s not the same as dirty. It’s not necessarily about messiness. It’s about blah. It’s dusty and formless and smudged and hard all at the same time.
It’s not rich soil where something can grow. It’s just there. It’s useless and it’s there.
It’s hurt in my heart. It’s dread in the pit of my stomach. It’s blocked in my throat.
This is my personal definition of feeling like dirt. And now that I know what it looks like or sounds like or feels like, I can recognize it when it comes up.
Reminding yourself of the relationships between things.
At this point, the stuck might have less power over you, but to some extent it still kind of seems like it’s running your life.
This is where you remember that pain and stuckification and suckiness and feeling like dirt are all temporary, momentary, normal parts of being alive.
They are not the grand sum of your identity. Even when it feels like it is.
Even though I have no idea how long it will take to stop feeling like dirt, I’m going to give myself as much support as I can stand right now. And I’m reminding myself that I am not my thoughts and feelings.
I am larger than all of my thoughts and feelings. I am the being that brings these thoughts and feelings into existence, and I can learn to interact with them instead of being the innocent bystander who keeps getting knocked over by them.
Finding your resources of strength.
There are internal resources to call upon. I get to mine through breathing, singing, dancing, crying, repeating words, writing or meditating.
There are also external resources to call on. I get to mine by talking to my duck or leaning on friends or consulting an old, favorite book. Reading a blog post counts.
If I can’t draw on my own strength, I can draw on someone else’s. If I can’t count on someone else’s, I go back and look for my own.
If the stuck is so intense that it feels as though neither of these are available in that moment, I plant the request in my heart.
Like this: you close your eyes and say, “Strength, please!” and wait for it to come to you.
Sure, this too shall pass and all that. But in the meantime — while I’m in it — I’m willing to receive whatever support I can. I am willing to get better at accessing hidden sources of support that fit what I need.
Avoiding people who will try to talk you out of what you’re feeling.
The cheerer-uppers mean well.
But just as often they make it seem as though it’s no big deal. As though you don’t deserve to feel the thing you’re feeling.
You want the people who will give you a hug. The ones who will make you laugh but are also strong enough to just let you feel like dirt for as long as you need to.
Not the ones who can’t handle your pain because it sets off theirs.
I’m ready for support and kindness from the people in my life … and in the meantime, I’m going to practice giving it to myself because that’s where it starts.
That’s what I’ve got for now.
That and appreciation for my duck Selma and my patient, loving gentleman friend who both allow me to feel like dirt when I feel like dirt.
They remind me what unconditional love is and what it looks like. Which means that — at some point — I’ll probably have at least some sort of shot at being able to practice it with myself.
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Havi,
Hugs! That’s all… and thanks for the insights into some steps I can take when feeling like crap (always crap for me, never dirt, but I’m guessing the same kind of stuff)
Love you. D
Dana Corey, Spicy Princesss last blog post..Rubbing Your Lover the Right Way
Havi, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like dirt. I know exactly what it’s like to be there and how hard it is to acknowledge that sometimes, you just have to be there for a while.
But I would like you to know that even when you’re feeling like dirt, you can write something that’s completely inspiring and mega-useful. I didn’t need this today, but I know there will be many days in the future that I’ll come back to it, and it will help me get through rough days.
You’re awesome.
♥
Lucy Viret (aka randomling)s last blog post..A failed experiment.
Actually, I want to cheer you on for feeling like dirt and not running from it.
And the first thing I thought, when I read “I feel like dirt” was, “Well, you can grow a lot of awesome things in dirt.”
Joely Blacks last blog post..The ultimate question
I’m so amazed at how many times I read this blog, and have this epiphany about something in my life! Just that moment of “Oh, yeah, that’s what that’s about!” Today’s line “Not the ones who can’t handle your pain because it sets off theirs” was the lightbulb today. Thanks so much for doing what you do.
Lee Ann
Lee Anns last blog post..New Mosaic – Leavitt Pond at Dusk
Oh, Havi. I’m sorry to hear you are feeling like dirt, and happy to hear you have the support you need.
But dangit! You *did* still model your process 😉 And I for one, who have been feeling like dirt for the past few days, really really appreciate this. Couldn’t have come at a better time, seriously. Thank you. So I hope at least you feel like the finest of dirt. Like a high-quality topsoil perhaps?
(Oh and, “the ones who can’t handle your pain because it sets off theirs”? Kinda describes my whole family. Thanks for giving words to that.)
Lots of love to you~ E.
Eileens last blog post..Escape from Cubicle Nation
I fully empathize with your feelings of ‘dirt’. I can relate all too well because I am just emerging from a ‘dirt’ (I call it funk) weekend of my own. Because I learn so much from you and people who leave comments on your site, I feel like I have to share a little info about it even though I’m quite self-conscious discussing it…
I had a cold last week, the kind where I feel like crap but look like I’m perfectly fine. If I don’t look sick I don’t really acknowledge that I AM sick, so I was really frustrated by my lack of productivity by the end of the week. I’m an artist/designer and I’m always happier when I’m making/selling/shipping products. I wasn’t doing much more than surfing the internet and staring blankly at my laptop. What threw me over the edge into funk was Season 4 of ‘The Office’. We have it on loan from the library so we’ve been watching 2+ episodes every night… I started to get envious of the characters on the show(!) I wound myself up into a deep, deep funk.
My kooky logic was the following: If I’m doing my ‘dream job’ of working at home, self-employed in a job I love, yet I’m still unhappy, then I’d be much better off in a dead-end office job dreaming of my possibilities. [Note: Now that I’m thinking clearly again I find this spectacularly bizarre.]
So… this morning I spent a little quiet time with my journal and I did a reality check. I’ve concluded that being sick makes me have unreasonably high expectations. The next time I have a cold I will cease doing work until I can think rationally. I also need get away from my work more. I’m going to spend more time with other artists/designers and less time on the internet.
Cross my fingers, I think my problem is solved.
lindas last blog post..Daydreaming about Doodling
I hear that.
Hope you do whatever you need to do for yourself today, and f*** the naysayers.
You are loved and adored, my dear.
Exactly what Shannon said. And she must be right. I can tell by her name.
Big hugs to you, Havi. (And you know how squirmy I am about hugging usually!)
The thing that often works for me is when I acknowledge the meh-feeling, and tell a couple of my friends who can be counted upon to say, “boy, that sucks.”
And then, somehow, just by having had someone acknowledge that it sucks, it starts to suck less.
I love the magic in that, acknowledging and being acknowledged. Something you touch on a lot!
I’m sorry you feel like dirt, Havi, that sucks. I hope things get ready to be better soon, if that makes any sense.
Amy Crooks last blog post..It’s Good to be Small
I am mentally sending you a herd of very well-behaved puppies (it can be a different cuddly animal if you don’t like puppies), to lick your face, wag their tails, and fall asleep in your lap in that non-intrusive, silently comforting way that most people aren’t good at.
Thanks for sharing this. Hope it helps you to write it, as much as it helps me to read it.
Keely H.s last blog post..Happy Writers Worth Day!
I just love this! Because seriously, we don’t feel good all the time. And sometimes that’s okay. And sometimes ‘pushing through’ leads to missing the lesson.
(Sorry you feel like dirt though!)
All the best!
deb
Deb Owens last blog post..creative people are flaky, moody, & broke
Oh yeah. Maybe it’s a Monday thing.
I take that back. I hate it when someone co-opts my dirt and generalizes it.
Just to say I’m feeling it today. I cried, which felt terrific, and I read your blog, which also helps.
And here’s to all the occasionally stuck folk who work for themselves. I joke about working for a maniac, and it just occurred to me that I might occasionally have sympathy for her. Bosses have a right to bad days, too.
xox
Molly Gordons last blog post..What to do when there’s too much to do
Thank you for letting us (me) in on some bits and pieces of being with feeling-like-dirt.
*sending over non-intrusive warm thoughts and hugs to be put in a closet and used when necessary* 🙂
Sari O.s last blog post..Home sweet home?
*HUGS*
Does Selma squeak when you hug her?
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like dirt today. Sending you so much love, and hugs, and a reminder that you are shining, beautiful, and beloved.
Love, Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Flourishing at the tideline
Oh yes…definitely not the only one going through it.
Lately it seems like I feel this way once a week (or more), so thank you for sharing a way to start working on it without *forcing* it.
Big hugs to you. xoxo
Victoria Brouhards last blog post..What’s Happening, Hot Stuff?
Thanks for sharing your dirt.
I was feeling like crap and thought “how can I feel better? I know, I will read Havi’s blog! She always relaxes me, makes me laugh and makes me feel good.”
Then I see you feel like dirt. And already I feel better.
Speaking of dirt, not said in a hyper-perky or annoying way to ignore your feelings or take the dirtitude out of your attitude:
I watched a Sunday morning preacher on tv the other day with my husband, just to expand our minds (we are wacky like that). He spent the sermon talking about how we are all seeds, and can see ourselves covered in dirt and buried, or as plants about to sprout, stretch and grow.
He talked about being buried in dirt as if it were a terrible thing.
My husband turned to me and said “why does he talk about dirt that way? Doesn’t he know that dirt is his relative?”
Darryl is from the Dine tribe, (Navajo), which he says means “people of the earth (dirt).”
From his perspective, dirt is warm, alive, maternal and a relative. Kind of like a really nice auntie who makes cookies and gives you a bathrobe warmed in the dryer after you take a bath.
So in this case, from a different angle, feeling like dirt means cookies and warm bathrobes.
A stretch maybe, but something that makes me feel a bit better. 🙂
Love you babe!
Pamela Slims last blog post..I am taking the show on the road – is your city on the list?
@Havi: {{{hugs}}} So sorry to read you’re feeling like dirt. Here’s one more {hug}.
@Joely: I loved your comment about the awesome things that can grow in dirt. Thanks for sharing it!
Josianes last blog post..Back into Shiva Nata’s arms
Hi Sweetie,
This is one of the things I absolutely adore about you the most. I love, love, love it that you are someone who is obviously on a path of heart and consciousness and yet you know it’s OK to have dirt feelings, and crap feelings and sucky feelings and having those feelings doesn’t make you somehow LESS conscious. You recognize that It’s part of the process of loving ALL of who you are and not exiling things like the dirt.
I’ve been having a sucky last few weeks – flu that won’t go away, major car repairs and I just found out that I am going to be spending the next 6 months being best friends with my dentist while watching way too many zeroes go out the door.
I talked with my husband and he asked me how I was doing and I said “I’m doing a very good job of feeling really, really crummy today.” And of course he just smiled and gave me a great big hug.
And then I read this post. And it was just one more little piece of permission to be exactly where I am without judgment.
Thanks lovey,You ROCK!!!
Your compadre in dirt and love,
Chris
chris zydels last blog post..Creative Miracle Grow: The Crazy Wonderfulness That Can Happen When Someone Believes In YOU!
Who knew that at the same time I was feeling like dirt, you were feeling like dirt too. Shall we roll around in the mud together?
My dirt showed up in the form of doubt. It’s been kind of clinging to me like an octopus. I try to peel it off and then a different tentacle grabs on tighter.
Funnily enough, when I see this octopus in my mind’s eye, it’s kind of endearing. Kind of cute. Kind of like this little guy who is afraid of being without me. As if he thinks it’s really important to cling to me.
So actually I’m going to snuggle up with this octopus a little bit. Maybe my “dirt” isn’t such a bad thing after all.
Thanks for sharing and showing me how showing up can be done.
Mona Graysons last blog post..Time To Get Horizontal
This part here? —
“Wow. No kidding. Of course you feel like dirt after X happened. That’s a really hard thing to go through. And you’re catching up on sleep. And you’ve been dealing with all these other things. And things are changing in your life like crazy now. Who wouldn’t feel like dirt right now?”
That’s my life. Right now. (Some days I feel like dirt, some days I don’t).
So more hugs, if you’d like some, and thank you again for being so willing to be out here with us while you are feeling this way. Off to reread the whole post again now.
Anna-Lizas last blog post..Pollyanna Meets the S.W.A.T. Team
I hear you.
We good, nice, loving, sensitive, open hearted folks ‘do dirt’ a lot lately; to clean up and make the world a better place for our kids…
So I hear you and YAY, we’re doing it!
Maarten Elouts last blog post..Leading with no personal agenda
You hit the nail on the head.
People who try to make me feel better so don’t make me feel better. In fact, they make me feel worse for not cheering right up.
You helped me figure out why.
Thanks.
Since I’ve been reading this blog I’ve been learning to allow myself to just “be” without wanting to feel differently. It’s been really freeing. Feeling like dirt is natural and something we shouldn’t escape from. The more we allow ourselves to experience these natural states the easier it will be adjust.
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you for this. There was nothing I could have read this morning that would have been more timely for me.
Havi, you are nothing short of amazing. That you could write this even while feeling like dirt is just huge. I’m not only saving this, I’m printing it out to read whenever I feel like dirt, or feel panicky or anything else. Seriously, you have done so much good just by sharing this with us.
You are so dry.
With love,
Mud
Thank you for posting this. I’m about to go into a situation that I *know* will make me feel like dirt, and yet to others would be like “what’s the big deal?”
I shall print this post out and I shall look at it when I’m feeling like dirt and lo, it shall inspire and support me in my moments of feeling rubbish.
Thanks, Havi.
Hugs.
Dang, its a whole universe of dirt these days. Hugs all around
Christine Martells last blog post..Letting go of fossilized dreams
This was most definitely an external resource of strength. And it came just at the right time, too. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful post!
A.S.M. Piress last blog post..A Personal Side of the Financial Crisis (II): Fear
Havi the Amazing Destuckifier, you are!
Of course I am sorry you feel like dirt. But know that sharing your experience and strategies is tremendously helpful for myriad people–so your dirt can induce productivity and generosity apart from making you feel awful. That’s good to know, right? 🙂 It could make the whole thing a little lighter.
I’ve already printed some of your posts out. This one’s next.
Thanks a ton + hugs + flowers
Nat
Boy do I wish I had had this wise perspective a few years ago. I had a horrible entry into a very stressful, not-nice work culture and I took it all to heart. I was dirt, and not in a nice Navajo way.
Then I got wiser, but I remember the pain of that time clearly and offer no answers, but empathy. Hope you and duck are better now.
Oh, thank you so much for this post. I’m having one my I-suck-moments right now, but somehow I am relaxing into it…
Oh, that’s just a horrid place to be. So sorry you’re there.
Of course you’re right about honouring how you feel. Neither wallowing nor suppressing work. Pema Chodron talks about “softening” towards your ick and allowing it space to be there so it can be released rather than dug out. I keep finding parallels with her work in yours.
Havi, thank you for this post, and thank you @Joely and @Pamela Slim for a lovely, growing way to think about dirt! In that vein, some other associations with dirt:
–The word “human”: from the same Indo-European root as the word “humus”. By which I mean rich, fertile loam, although I don’t mind the associations with yummy chick pea dip, either!
–Archaeologists
–Mud pies
hey,
I feel like crap right now!!!!!
I’ve felt it before, when I lost my brand new phone; when some of my loved ones passed away; when I got beaten up by a girl half my age; when I lost a lot of my netbal games…and the list goes on and on.
I used to drink a lot, like totally get drunk because it would ease the pain. I just stopped recently as I always feel worse than how I felt before I got drunk, as I’m only fifteen years old. The reason I’m really down now is that I let everybody down, most of all myself. It was the only thing I’m good at and everyone was expecting me to do good…but I froze!Like suddenly forgot every little thing, from that I started acting different and cranky. I changed. I have changed. Anyway, all I’m saying is that your blog is pretty good. I’ll try and do it….hopefully “time does ease the pain”.cheers.
I’m very late to this post, but THANK YOU so much for the kindness it contains.
Just found this post via ppdtojoy.com. It was just what I needed to read. Might have to print it out and stick it in front of my face when I need a reminder.
I’ve never been to your blog before. A friend linked to this on facebook and I needed something to read while eating my dinner tonight. I’m so glad I did. I don’t need it today, but I bookmarked this page for the next time I do.
One of the hardest parts of feeling like dirt is the sense of endlessness to it, of the gravid staggering enormity of it. And often when I’m that overwhelmed, I could use some instructions on where to begin. I will be back to pick them up when the time comes.
Your written voice is splendid.
Well written! I feel like a giant pile of dirt and reading this really helped! Especially the part about avoiding the “cheerer-upers”. They do mean well and they want to you stop hurting, but by “helping” and making it sound like no big deal, it makes you feel even worse. “What’s wrong with me?” “Is this really a big deal?” etc.
when trying to talk to someone about the dirt pile I am in. the response has been “we’ll I wasn’t there so I don’t know what happened”. this is after i have told them what happened. I am so confused. It makes me feel even more alone. I wasn’t looking for them to side with me. I guess I was (am) looking for some kind of support. Some kind of understanding, or perhaps show me some love and support. I feel sooooooooo alone. I am very tired of feeling this way. I feel like I am drowning. While I watch them walk on by.