A few weeks ago in one of the Very Personal Ads, I asked for “birthday rituals”. Not really knowing what would show up, but just hoping that something would emerge.
And nothing showed up until then it did. I felt drawn to write a letter to me a year from now, and then I asked her to write back to me.
Yesterday, on my birthday, I shared the letter I wrote to future-me. Today I am posting the letter that she wrote back. This is from me one-year-from-yesterday.
My love,
You are so good to me.
I wish I could paper your world with permission slips: to do less, to know that you are enough, to trust the mission and let the mission do the work.
Take time for you now.
Take more of it.
There is enough. You may not be able to feel the truth of that yet, but there is.
What I wish for you.
Vision, perspective, strength, compassion, comfort, safety, protection, shelter, isolation, connection, sanctuary, trust, knowledge of your own beauty and your own power, appreciation, welcoming, belonging, structure, order, kindness, containment, agility, wisdom, anchoring.
May you know that everything you have done this past year is sufficient and beautiful as it is.
I know you don’t believe me but one day you will.
What I do for you.
I talk to you.
And I hold your hand.
I am the deep breath and the quiet release. I am the loving companion.
Did you know? I create retroactive emergency vacations for you. I help you find your safe spaces.
I plant trust and hope in every corner for you.
And I encourage you to follow desire. With curiosity, receptivity and conscious awareness.
We play. We play a lot. And I look after you.
What I need from you.
Keep me in your sights.
Talk to me often. Call on me for help.
Do less than you think is “necessary”, but more than actually happens:
Do three yoga poses instead of resenting the hour you don’t have, close your eyes for fifteen minutes instead of waiting until you get a real break, whatever that might mean.
Feel out the structures and set up the forms so that I can come in.
Keep dancing the dance.
Know that you are not alone.
The planting of the gwishes.
[This is where I listed all the things I want from the coming year.
These are silent gwishes – things that are in between goals and wishes. They have to do with being the queen of my internal world and everything that comes from that.]
What I am giving you.
Signs and reminders.
Color.
Flowers.
Appreciation.
A magical bath.
Your crown, of course.
I am with you already.
I am with you already.
Take care of yourself as best you can, and I will be with you the entire way.
Play with me! And comment zen for the blanket fort…
No matter where your birthday falls in the year, maybe you would also like to see what happens when you ask you-in-a-year to write to you-right-now.
It can be as short or as long as you’d like. You can share it here or not. You can follow the structure that came to me or invent your own or just write whatever comes into your head however it wants to appear.
As always: this is a wonderfully safe place. We let everyone have their stuff and their own experience. We make space for people by being welcoming, and not giving unsolicited advice.
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Follow
Dearest Me-Right-Now,
My treasure. You are scared. You can’t see what I see. You think if you take a step you’ll fall off the cliff into a canyon and so you stay safely back from the ledge. If you would take a step, and then another, and use the guides that are there for you they will show you the path across to the other side. And if you’d get the map out early in the journey, you wouldn’t find yourself at the edge needing to walk so far down just to find a save space.
You’ve done this enough times. Stop. I am on the other side, waiting for you with the rest of your life. Stop being afraid of money and taxes and bikini roto and just get on with it. Send the seekrit information in the attache. Send the money and say “yes, let’s do it.” Move on to something more exciting in life instead of sitting at the edge of the canyon imagining yourself impaled on the rocks below over and over.
Stand up, get out your map. Look at it. Pay the guides. Let them guide you. And next time, plan better, plan sooner, ACT sooner. We have so much ahead that you are just delaying because of this.
We will be fine, but you need to get moving or I’ll be looking across the valley at you next year, too.
Love,
Me-From-Next-Year
Oh! @seagirl – that is so beautiful. I love the map imagery. And that *you* are her treasure.
Dearest Kim-from-last-year,
What can I say? You are my hero. And my love. Words cannot express how proud I am right now and all your future me-girls join me in thanking you for doing the really scary stuff you are doing this year. Oh, your past me-girls are also thrilled and love you with all their hearts.
I know you are scared right now. You have no idea what is coming and still you are marching forward! Stay brave love, and keep moving. You are on a path, kimmy, it may not look like it from where you are today, but from my point of view it is totally clear and freakin’ brilliant 🙂
It is hard for me to see you sink into worries that you won’t be able to support yourself and do “work” that makes you feel all sparkly and lit up. Oh sweet pea, remember that random psychic in San Francisco who told you that you needed to let go of your fear of ending up in the gutter? That was 15 years ago. Look what you’ve been through and have always managed to avoid abject poverty and homelessness. It really is time to let that fear go. I know it’s tough. You cling to it because you are afraid it is the only thing motivating you. Trust me when I say that it isn’t. Imagine how great it would feel to not have that fear…
You are so loved. People around you are reacting to your amazing growth and change because it is a little scary for them. If you can remember that they mostly love you and be compassionate towards them, it won’t hurt as much when you sense disapproval.
It’s hard to go through all this change AND to imagine a life without mom. I know your heart aches. You are doing the most wonderful thing by living with her and being present to her journey. I wish I could put my arms around you right now and let you cry. You try to be so brave. It is truly ok for you to have moments of resentment, you are human. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her with all your heart and soul. Please please please stop beating yourself up for things you think you haven’t done as well as you could have. Just keep doing the best you can, trust me, she knows. And trust her when she tells you that you are going to be ok even when she is gone. And sweetie, you do know she will never be gone, right?
I am so excited about the future and it is all because of what you are doing now. You are giving me the most fantastic gift of the opportunity to shine without fear that I am shining too brightly or taking someone else’s shine away.
You rock,
Me-from-next-year
Havi,
Thank you so much for showing me how to do this. I think that is the nicest I’ve ever been to myself. Ever. Something big moved in me as a result of doing this exercise and I don’t think I will ever be the same. Your work is such a gift to me.
Big, big love,
Kim
Marvelous.
Oh, my sweet me-right-now. I so love you. You try so hard to do the right thing(s). You don’t need to try (so hard or at all). You need more be-ing, less do-ing. You have the gift of time. Enjoy it. Luxuriate in it. Rest and play in it. All will be made clear in good time. You will see. (I know. That sort of thing drives you crazy. But if there is one thing you can trust, wouldn’t it be me?)
Dear Me of 2011,
It is so awesome here. We have hoover crafts and they cured cancer and you won the lottery (without even playing). Okay, I’m kidding. Things are still really awesome, though.
You did an awesome job cutting down debt, and I am so grateful. I’m now in “save for the future” mode, and soon we won’t be tied to our job if we don’t want to be. We’ll be able to take risks! Yay risks!
I know you’re feeling impatient. Impatient about money and your job and photography and life moving forward. It’s going forward…fast even! It’s like when you’re driving a car and 50mph seems slow, but to the person standing on the side – it’s crazy fast. You’re going crazy fast, you just don’t know it. Let it happen.
You know, the biggest thing you could do to help me out right now is to nourish your body. I inherit the body you care for….please help me inherit a strong, healthy, capable body. It would be great 2011 bragging rights if you could pass it along in better condition than you received it. That’s going to take a lot of nutrition, a little exercise, and a lot of de-stressing.
I need this more than I need to you squeeze $50 out of the budget for savings. I need this more than I need a thriving business and more than I need a new job. Thanks for the blender btw, it comes in a day late, but you love it and are so fascinated by it’s ability to blend whole potatoes that you learn to cook. Also, you do end up giving away the microwave and not looking back.
Anyway kiddo, love you and don’t worry so much. Eat healthy for me. You rock! Buckle in for a crazy fun year. (I’m not saying what….no spoilers!!)
Love,
Me-of-the-fuuuuuuuture!!!!!
Must write mine offline, it will take quite a bit of processing. Especially, I need to write to me-of-the-last-five-years, and my relationship with my Mom, who died in 2009. (@Kim, thanks for the model.)
@Havi, @Kim, @seagirl, @Elizabeth, and others who will follow — you are all brilliant. Reading your words, I feel I am surrounded by light.
Dearest NowMe,
You are so right already. There is nowhere else to get to. I am not an improvement over you. You owe me nothing, truly.
There’s no figuring out which of your happenings and leaps and splats and over-doings and under-doings and be-ings and strugglings and fraidy cattings I will be most grateful for. I am still forgetful and I understand even less about how it works, so I can just say, very secretly, thank you Love for all of it.
Huge huge helpings of the ol’ Unconditional, wafting and billowing and surging all through and through you from me and you to me and all the sentients and insentients.
It doesn’t even matter if you know it.
I’m so here. So here are you, too, so Now.
Awww, you’re right again: spiritual/smiritual–it’s embarrassing! I don’t know how you put up with me, I’m such a shameless sap….
Your Beloved of Next Year
Dear Right-Now-Me,
My sweet and lovely self, you have hurt. You are hurting right now. You have been through so much with your health and are still going through more. You feel as if your friends don’t have time or patience to listen to you or to cuddle you.
I know how you wish for more, how you punish yourself and kick your inner puppy almost every day because you feel like it’s your fault.
I also know that it isn’t your fault. And I know that you will get through this, as you have gotten through everything else. You will learn how to enjoy your moments of rest, and you will find the things that give you the best warm fuzzies. The fuzziest ones you could ask for.
You will learn just how strong and beautiful and kind you are, and I will be there guiding you every step of the way.
I want so many things for you. I want you to have comfort, sanctuary, a beautiful safe – room, snugs, and lovely friends that ask about you and listen calmly and sympathetically to the things you need to talk about, even if it’s the same thing again. Most of all I want you to have understanding and beauty in your life.
I can’t wait to meet you in person. Don’t rush your journey, because each step matters.
Lovingly yours,
Next-Year-Me.
P.S. This too shall pass.
Dear me-right-now,
We did it.
The practice is thriving.
The family is thriving.
You made the right big decision this month a year ago.
There is nowhere we would rather be.
I’m right here.
Me-a-year-in-the-future
These are all so lovely. I need time to process my own, but this right here spoke to me so deeply right now: “Do three yoga poses instead of resenting the hour you don’t have, close your eyes for fifteen minutes instead of waiting until you get a real break, whatever that might mean.”
“A magical bath.”
yes. this.
Dear Here-and-Now Me:
Yes. Yes, it is going to be okay. Yes. Of course.
It’s going to be okay because — oh, love, I hope you can believe this — you are so good at taking care of the essential things, the things that matter most. Love. Creativity. Kindness. Kookiness.
Every day, you do something creative. Every day, you give your love. Some days, these are tiny gestures. Some days, they are hyooooooge. Great or small, each daily action is helping me shine. Thank you so much for that.